Closing Another Chapter of Parenting

It is thought that our job as parents are to give our children wings so that when they are ready they can fly. It is also thought that our job is to give our children deep roots so that although life may bend and twist them it will never break them because their foundation is deep and strong. And so, as parents, we spend our days helping our children grow and trying to do the very best we can with individual children who all need different things from us, and come with absolutely no instruction manual, on how to do this parenting gig properly. Some days are parenting successes and we jump for joy and are ready to write the next best-selling parenting book. Other days, well, not-so-much. The only thing we can hang on to on those bad days is that the sun will rise yet again in the morning and we can begin anew.

I have been blessed with four amazing children.  The older I get I know that I can truly call them blessings and miracles. I had my children young, and youth while good for many things, also leaves us quite ignorant of many truths for one reason or another. I see now so many of my mama friends or those who are trying to become mamas struggle obtaining this miracle called life that I thought was supposed to come as easily to all as it did to me. Their struggles make me look at my own tribe and see how blessed I am to have so many of them, to have had them so quickly, and so easily. I feel that I owe it not only to my own children and myself to be the best mama that I can be, but also I owe it to all of those who are struggling to complete their family or begin their family to be the best mama that I can be. And so I try to do just that. Day in and day out.

As we all know, as the days pass, so do the months, and then the years. And then all of the sudden a mama finds that she is almost at the end of a huge chapter in her mama journey. She will soon be coming to the point where the wings of her children will have become strong enough to fly away on their own. For good. And because this mama chose to have her children one after the other it appears that they will all leave her nest one after the other in two year increments.

This realization that my family, my pride and joy, is going to be altered soon happened when I realized that my oldest son is going to be turning 17 in about 6 weeks. Although only finishing up his sophomore year of high school he has only two years left before he can take root and fly away on his own adventure to college and the world beyond. He will be out of my protective cocoon that I have so painstakingly created for all of my children these last 17 years so that they could enjoy the beauty and magic of childhood that is taken from so many too young for so many reasons. He will be up, up, and away. And he will take a piece of my heart with him. As will his brother two years later, and his first sister two years after that. And finally, the littlest sister two years after that.  I want to enjoy everything about being a full time family of six before each of my kids goes off to college and becomes a part time resident in our household, and then moves out entirely and becomes a full time resident in their own household. Just as quickly as they came into this world they will leave my world albeit not entirely as they will always be my children and I will always be their mama, but it will be different for sure.

Although I am not sure if I can handle to see this investment of mine leaving in such a quick succession of time I know that this was the deal that I made with the Universe when I became a mama. It is the deal that almost all mamas and daddies make when we open our hearts to becoming parents.I was granted the gift of 18 years to do as I pleased and raise these kids as I saw fit, but once I did so, they would take what I have given them and fly away to use these gifts in their own lives as they each saw fit. I was on borrowed time from day one. I will not regret, ever, making this deal with the Universe even though seeing them go will both be one of the happiest moments of my life as their success is my success, their joy is my joy, and their sorrow is my sorrow, but also one of the most heartbreaking as I have invested so much of myself in these four souls that I will feel as if I am losing a piece of myself each time one of them flies away.

Knowing that I am in the final chapter of this borrowed time I plan on making the absolute most I can of each of these days I have left. As every parents knows: the days are long, but the years are short. What a lot of parents fail to realize because they feel (as I certainly did) that these days would stretch forever into eternity before they would turn into years is that the days do not stretch forever. The days are numbered. And what once seemed like forever is now anything but forever as I am writing these words staring down the barrel of approximately 750 days left. I am in the home stretch, but I don't feel like jumping for joy as I once thought I would so many years ago when I was staring down at an infinity of days. Funny how perspective and time change things, huh?

I just want to spend these next two years loving my kids passionately, laughing with them deeply, learning with them wisely, and being with them intentionally. I want to spend these next two years with my eyes wide open. Because when I blink these two years will be gone, and I want to make sure that I enjoy this last chapter of our family's life as it is right now with every ounce of my being. I want to live fully and be fully alive. I want to know when this time is up that I have done the best that I could. That I have absolutely no regrets.

Right Now

My kids are growing. It seems like the older that they get the faster they grow. All I want to do is press pause on the ever marching forward concept we call time. Then I remember that this is the whole point of being a mother; I am gifted my children for a short time in order to teach them all that I know and to raise them to be kind, compassionate, honest, hardworking people. (Or in some cases bluff on some of the things that I have no idea about, but am trying like hell to learn real fast.) They are supposed to leave the nest. They are supposed to separate from me and want their own lives apart from me. They are only on loan to me until they can spread their wings and make their own way into this world. I've known this from the get go, but once again it seems like an abstract concept is so much easier to deal with than the reality of that concept as it comes to fruition.

I would venture to say that the hardest of parenting isn't the sleepless nights. Nor is it the tantrums or sibling fights. Nor is it talks about sex, drugs, and the like. The hardest part about parenting hands down is learning to let your children go and grow into their own people apart from you while all the while giving them the support that they need to spread their wings. I know many of you aren't at this point yet in your parenting lives. Letting your kids grow into their own people is one of the most awe inspiring and equally heart breaking parts of being a mama. And that is where I am at right now. Learning to slowly let my oldest go, followed by his brother, and then his sisters.

Andy is going to be 17 years old in a couple of months. 17. I am the mother of an almost 17 year old. Because Bob and I chose to hold him back a grade when he was in public school I am fortunate enough to have him in my household for 2 more years before he spreads his wings. That's it. Two years. Do you know how fast those two years are going to go? In all honesty, Andy has always been a late bloomer. He was 11 days past his due date when he was born, showed no signs of coming out even at that late date, and had to be pulled out of me via c-section. He has lived his life in that same way. He does things in his time when he is ready. I am so thankful for that. His needs to hatch a little longer  than most before he moves on to each of life's stages  which has allowed me just a little bit longer with him. I will be forever thankful for that. He has applied to a couple of jobs this winter, but has not seen anything come of those applications. A job will come about for him when he is ready for a job. He has begun driving with Bob in empty parking lots in order to get comfortable with driving before he attempts to get his driving permit. It is crazy to think of him driving in a car by himself. It is crazier for me to imagine him driving in a car with himself, his brother, and their buddies. It makes me excited for them both. I can only imagine the experiences they will share together. Other than that he is getting through his school work and playing soccer on occasion with Josh as he gets himself ready to try out for the high school team this upcoming fall. He is also teaching himself how to program and code like the Dickens. I am amazed at what he has taught himself. Just amazed.

Joshua just finished up playing winter soccer with a team he was asked to join after the high school season. It wasn't a club team, but it ended up being such a positive experience for him that I am thankful that he played with the team he did instead of trying out for a club team. Their team ended up finishing in second place with a 7-1-2 record. Josh was the leading scorer on the team with 12 goals for the season. He had some amazing shots. This is the most goals he has scored in a season by a long shot, so it was exciting to watch him nail one goal after another each game. He caught the eye of a club team while playing for his non-club team this past winter and has been asked to be a guest player for a President's Cup tournament taking place in April. He has begun practicing with this new team as well. Although this is not the club team he is going to try out for in May he is still happy to have the opportunity to play soccer without too much of a break between the winter and spring seasons. Other than soccer the only other thing Josh has going on is school work and chores. As long as he is playing soccer though that is all that matters to that kid. It doesn't take much to make him happy as long as soccer is involved.

Sarah is doing amazing. She is knitting up a storm. She is making her own Barbie doll clothes now, and I am always impressed with her new designs. She is also playing the violin. She began her lessons about 6 weeks ago and can play two simple songs and is learning a third. Her teacher is impressed with her skill and her ability to adapt without vision. Sarah is making her way through contracted braille and is reading beginner books like Amelia Bedelia and Curious George in all contracted braille. She gets frustrated sometimes because she wishes she was further along in contracted braille, but I just remind her that this is the second new language she has had to master after having learned uncontracted braille. She is also teaching the kids uncontracted braille. It is nice to see her being the teacher and the other three kids being the student and learning from her. So often it seems like it is the other way around. I think that teaching them uncontracted braille helps her self confidence. Other than the above mentioned hobbies she is also moving right along in her school books.

Elizabeth is still a firecracker. That girl will always keep me on my toes. There is just no other way around it. She is gearing up for soccer to start as well. She did not play fall soccer, so this will be her first go at soccer in Oregon. I am curious to see how she does. Other than soccer and playing with a friend she has made in the neighborhood  she is just hanging out at home with the other kids and getting her school work done. She is very bright in math and her ability to comprehend math concepts and make them into her own astounds me. (I think this is because I am so terrible at the subject.) Although she fights me on doing her math homework just about everyday I actually enjoy doing that subject with her because she grasps the concepts in such a unique way that I am always amazed when she comes out with a correct answer by doing the problem in her head somehow.

I think as a collective whole the kids are ready to settle down somewhere, and are not willing to put down roots here because they know that this is not a long term location. While moving around has certainly had its perks there have been some down sides as well.  All of the kids miss their Ohio and New Mexico friends deeply. I think that the thought of moving away from friends they could potentially make here is just too much for them. Overall, they do not like living here at all, but all we can do until we get the next call to move again is make the most of the life we have been given/chosen. And that's just what we are trying to do.

As for me, I am trying to make the most of this time here (even though it is sometimes excruciatingly hard) because very soon, in the blink of an eye to be exact, my two year window of having everyone under my roof will be gone. Forever. Andy will be off to college and then Josh and then Sarah and then Elizabeth. Having kids so close in age was such a blessing when they were little because Bob and I were able to move through each stage: sleeping through the night, potty training, going to school (when they did that), etc...one after the other. I never put too much thought in the downside to that which is that they will leave the nest one after the other as well.

I am blessed. I truly am. I will never know what I did to deserve not one, not two, not three, but four amazing gifts. My children are the best things that have ever happened to me. They are my greatest treasure. They are where my heart is.

It's Funny That Way

I think that this is the longest I have been away from this space since I began writing 4 or 5 years ago. It feels both refreshing and oddly foreign to be typing away at my keyboard again filling in this blank electronic document with the words that will bestow upon the reader the things we have been up to lately. Being away has been good. Writing here now is good too.

I have always felt this weird small sense of loss when a blogger that I regularly follow stops blogging with any regularity and then oftentimes stops blogging altogether. Sometimes these bloggers will make their pages private; their words now privy to only those that they have selected to read about their lives. I enjoy reading about the lives of the bloggers that I follow. I like being able to peek into their lives and glimpsing the pieces that they allow me to. I suppose that this space is the same way for some of you.

I am still trying to figure out how much of my life I want to share in this space. Actually, I think what I am really trying to do is to find out how much of my family's life I am able to share without one day having them look back on these posts in horror at what I have chosen to share. My children are growing now, as most children are wont to do, and they are more than ever showing me that they are their own people with their own thoughts and ideas apart from me. I have known this all along, but knowing something and actually seeing it evolve into something beyond an abstract thought has been a bit of an adjustment for me.

Electronics are a funny. There was a point when I was writing in this space just to write something. It was addicting. Just like Facebook. Or my phone. I made a conscious decision to step away from Facebook at the end of December. I have logged into the website 3 times since then. I don't miss it at all now. I found that once I stopped logging into Facebook logging into my phone became less important. And then I realized that I needed to pull away from this space as well too.  It was hard at first to not check my account several times a day. Crazy hard. But slowly, the pull of Facebook (and then my phone and then this space) just lost its hold on me. I felt free. Electronics are funny that way. They have such a magnetic pull for me. To finally feel like I have broken free of that pull has been a powerful experience, but I know first hand just how easily that pull comes back.  I don't want to feel enslaved to this space, Facebook, or my phone. For me, all three are intertwined. Finding a healthy balance will be most challenging for me. I am going to pay attention to the pull and if things get to a point where I don't feel comfortable with then I will unplug again. And I will do that again and again for as long as I need to in order to maintain a healthy relationship (If there even is one?) with electronics.

 In the next few days/week I will let you know how everyone is doing and what they have been up to this second half of winter.  I just wanted to stretch my fingers for this post and get rid of any kinks in my knuckles that come from typing. : )

I guess what I am really trying to say is that I am back (for now).