Figuring It All Out

This school week was tough to say the least. As I try to juggle allowing the kids to learn outside of textbooks my desire to have them learn using textbooks still has a huge pull on me. I like textbooks because then I can be sure that my kids are learning, but I am beginning to see where my desire to push and push them is backfiring - especially with Andy.

I am beginning to wonder how Andy did as well as he did in school because he is a partial hot mess at home. There are so many big things that he does not have a knowledge base for: multiplication tables, cursive writing, spelling of any sort. All of these things (okay, maybe minus the cursive writing) are a really big deal. How can he possibly handle the upper level math that he is doing (if he had gone back to public school he was selected to take an upper level math class this school year) that I purchased for him to do if he doesn't even know his multiplication tables?! So, we will be taking a break from his textbook work for the next few school days and we will be making fact cards to help him learn his multiplication tables. I find myself frequently exasperated by the things that he does not know, and I need to harness that feeling in a little bit because it is not fair to him. I don't know if maybe he is just trying to bamboozle me on some of these things so that he doesn't have to work as hard, or if he really does have these inadequacies (which I am beginning to think that the issue is more the latter than the former), but either way it is extremely frustrating. All I know is that I am growing increasingly disenchanted with our education system. I can see in my own children how inadequate and broken our system is, and it frightens me. I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that I am glad that I stepped away from it even if it ends up only being for a year.

One of the fun things about school is that the three younger kids asked to stay up later than normal last night to finish up today's work so that they could have the day off. So, Josh was up until 10 pm, and the girls were up until 9:30 finishing up their subject work for today. That kind of flexibility is amazingly awesome, and one of the advantages of homeschooling.  Andy is the only one who has work to do, but he worked pretty late into the night himself to get to a point where he only had a few things to do today. Everyone has worked super hard this week - the weekend could not have come at a better time.

Bob asked me the other night if I regretted bringing the kids home. I think he could see how hard and how long I was working with the kids each day, and was wondering if it was weighing too heavily on me. I didn't even have to think about that answer - the words just tumbled out of me - no, I do not regret bringing them home. Not for one second. Even though homeschooling them is very hard and time consuming at times it is the best decision that we have made as a family. Bringing them home works for us. It is one of those things that is right as rain. I am thankful that I live in a country that allows me the right to bring my children home to educate them.

As I figure out next week's schedule I will take the things that worked from this week and the things that did not work this week and make some changes to our goals. We will eventually get into the right rhythm of that I am certain.

On a different note - we have out first showing on Saturday, and I am super excited. I hope that the people who come through this house love it as much as we have. I hope that they see the potential in it to make many happy memories. If this house ends up not being for them that is okay too. It is just nice to have someone want to see it.

I Am Learning Too

We took the morning off from traditional schooling, and spent it exploring the river that makes its way through Hampton Hills Metro Park. We brought the dog with us and let the morning unfold with fits of laughter, exploration, and family time. It was exactly what the kids needed, but more importantly it was just what I needed.

As I mentioned yesterday, I am really struggling with the pressure that I impose upon myself to get through enough textbook information each day to make it seem to the outside world that my kids really are learning something that they are "supposed" to be learning.To make it seem as if my kids are not too far removed from mainstream kids.That those families and mine have children doing textbook work with the only difference being that mine are at home whereas most likely theirs are in a traditional classroom setting. There is value in doing that textbook work (I know some of you would wholeheartedly disagree), but there is also value in exploring the world around us. To be out in the world each day that I will be asking my kids to live in as adults. To expose them to as much of the natural world that I can - without worrying about textbook information that - let's face it - we don't ever really use as adults.

So, I am thinking that while the weather is beautiful outside we will be spending more time outdoors exploring all that we can, and slow down the pace I have set for the kids book learning. I have been pushing them so hard in order to have something to show the outside world in case we are asked what we did all day. What I am really doing is just trying to prevent judgement from the outside world. People are going to judge me regardless of the decisions that I make. Why stress my whole family out  just to try and please those people outside my home whose opinions should have no weight in my life anyway?

Lesson learned. We are going to slow things down around here a bit. The beauty of homeschooling is that we can take life at our pace, and that learning comes in so many different forms and ways. If I am creative and bold enough to do something as zany as homeschooling my children to begin with surely I can think of creative and bold ways to educate my children that are outside the realm of "normal".

Time to redo some lesson plans...


By the way - have I mentioned how very much I love having my kids home with me? I cannot imagine life any other way anymore. I love the people that they are becoming, and I am so happy that I get to watch their childhood unfold right before my eyes. I am truly blessed.

“The home is the first and most effective place to learn the lessons of life: truth, honor, virtue, self control, the value of education, honest work, and the purpose and privilege of life. Nothing can take the place of home in rearing and teaching children, and no other success can compensate for failure in the home.” - David O. McKay

Changing...

“An eternal question about children is, how should we educate them? Politicians and educators consider more school days in a year, more science and math, the use of computers and other technology in the classroom, more exams and tests, more certification for teachers, and less money for art. All of these responses come from the place where we want to make the child into the best adult possible, not in the ancient Greek sense of virtuous and wise, but in the sense of one who is an efficient part of the machinery of society. But on all these counts, soul is neglected.” 

― Thomas Moore

I can feel myself changing...ideas that I thought were so tried and true seem to be testing me as if they want me to realize that they may not be the right ones for me. As I juggle through this world of homeschooling I wonder if my days are supposed to be filled with nagging the kids to get this subject done or that subject done, or if there isn't something more to this idea of educating my children at home?

Taking advantage of sunny days outside and the abundance of trails and parks around the area in which I live...shouldn't that account for some of what we do at home? Instead our days have been filled with getting this workbook page done, and that workbook page done. There is value in that, yes, but am I placing too much value on that? I think perhaps I am. 

So fearful I am that someone will ask my children what they did that day, and have their response be, "explored the outdoors, made cookies with my mom, created a lego town, made up a new board game", that I pound through each subject just as my weekly plan dictates all the while knowing how ridiculous I am being for holding my family - my kids - accountable to someone else's standards...

Why did I choose to bring them home? What were my motives? To give them the best education possible? Yes. To allow them the freedoms to explore the world around them? Yes. To allow them the opportunity to seek out experiences that will help give them the best foundation possible in the lives that they will each build up around themselves? Yes. 

I need to relax, and take a deep breath, and to not be afraid to let them play their made up board game even if it means we don't get to a subject or two that day. We can very easily get to it the next day. The success of their childhood will not be set in stone in 1 day, but rather the culmination of days that form years and years. Being a pencil pusher will only make them hate homeschooling, and learning in general. That is not what I want. That is not why I set out on this journey. I need to take a deep breath, and realize that it is okay to let them play and explore their world. They can learn without books, and it is okay for me to let them do so sometimes.  

“We can get too easily bogged down in the academic part of homeschooling, a relatively minor part of the whole, which is to raise competent, caring, literate, happy people.” 

― Diane Flynn Keith

“What is most important and valuable about the home as a base for children's growth into the world is not that it is a better school than the schools, but that it isn't a school at all.” 
― John Holt

It's Been A While...

I got sick last week, and when Mama gets sick all hell breaks loose. I haven't been sick in a really long time, and I had always contributed that to my vegan lifestyle change last September. But for the last several months my vegan died turned to into a vegetarian diet which means that I was adding a lot of unhealthy junk back into my diet. At first it was a cookie here and a cookie there, and then it was something made with butter here or a little bit of milk there, until I was compromising a promise I made to myself to not consume animal products just about every day. My body was feeling terrible and I was putting back on weight. It was the perfect storm for getting a cold, and last Thursday I could feel it taking hold. I was down for the count for a good 4 days, and even now, I feel much better I am still not 100% back to normal. I am, though, back to my vegan diet, and I can tell I am already losing some weight again. My body and soul feel better when I am choosing to eliminate animal products from my diet, and I will continue focus on not consuming those types of products.

On another note the realtor came over today, and we entered into a 6 month contract to place our house on the market. The listing will be online on Tuesday of next week, and a sign will be placed in our yard on the same day. If the house doesn't sell within 6 months I am taking it off the market and we are just going to make do.I feel terrible for Bob because he has worked so hard the last 6 weeks painting and repairing and replacing items in the house, and although the house should sell very quickly at the price point we are listing it at it is still less than he was hoping to be able to list it at. The new carpet (installed yesterday) looks so nice as does the new roof we put on. We have a minimal amount of furniture in the house which is awesome. I cannot believe that I feel that I needed all of that junk that I had stuffed into this house before. There are a few things that I miss that are packed away, but for the most part I am loving our minimalist lifestyle. I think I would like to incorporate it into our lives permanently. It is pretty freeing knowing that all of the stuff that we spend money on that we think that we need or our kids needs really just isn't true. We could spending that money creating memories by doing things together rather than spending it on material items that just collect dust. For example, instead of spending the amount of money that we do on Christmas gifts which, honestly, the majority of go unused after just a month or two we could be spending a week on a cruise as a family or flying to the east coast to go to Cape Cod. I would rather focus on making memories rather than using that money to buy something that really means nothing.

School is going well. I would like to have more fun with the kids because right now it is just work, work, work. Don't get me wrong, work is good and important, and necessary, but I brought them home to have fun too, and to celebrate being a family. So, we will start to take some trips here and there - things like the zoo, museums, parks - and use the freedoms that homeschooling buys to enjoy so much more than just the rote part of education. I am so glad that I brought them home this school year. I don't know how long they will want me to home school them for, but I can tell you that I have loved having them all home with me. I feel closer to each one of them, and I cherish the time that we have together each day even if some days get quite hectic. Bringing them home is a blessing, and I don't take that lightly.

I love my family dearly. I cherish them more now than I ever have with everything that has transpired with Sarah since May 18th. I want to protect my little pod of people, and build memories with them, and love on them, and get to know them better as unique individuals. With that in mind, I think that I am going to ease up on the baby thing. If I got pregnant I would be ecstatic, but I don't think that I am going to live my life in two cycles any more. I would love to add to our pod, but I also feel that if what we are now is all that we are meant to be as a family then that would be okay too. I feel very strongly that if I am meant to be a mother again, then it will be so, but if I am not - for whatever reason - then I still end up as the luckiest woman in the whole wide world because I have the best kids and husband a woman could ask for. If I had to do it over again, I would have chosen some things differently so that having more children wasn't such a hurdle, but if I had chosen any minute detail of my life differently, then I wouldn't be where I am today. And I am exactly where I am meant to be at this moment in my life.

The Scoop on Sarah

So after seeing her (favorite) ophthalmologist this afternoon here is the latest scoop on Sarah:

1.) It has been found that people suffering from Optic Neuritis seem to have flare ups when doing rigorous exercise. (A soccer team with few subs in the summer heat qualifies as rigorous exercise.)
2.) If we would have continued having Sarah go to practices (she has not been to the last 2) she most likely would have needed some sort of steroid intervention to get her flare up to subside. Because we were able to catch her flare up right away and keep her cool, stress free, with lots of sleep the last week or so her body was able to take care of the flare up on its own.
3.) Soccer may not be a sport that she can play for the time being.(Which makes me sad and her sad.) She can have a flare up at any time and because of the nature of soccer (constant running) and the nature of Ohio weather (hot one minute, cold the next, and then hot again) it may not be in her best interest to allow her to continue to play.
4.) Her vision in her right eye is getting better.
5.) Her left eye, as Dr. L told Bob today, is still presenting her with challenges.
6.) Her peripheral vision is poor, but her field of vision is getting better. (Meaning she can see more things in front of her, but not really side to side.)

She goes back in 6 weeks to see Dr. L, and she will be going back to the Cleveland Clinic to see her neurologist in 2 weeks.

This was a great visit. She came home - usually she ends up getting admitted when we go see Dr. L. We, as a family, were able to manage her symptoms - I am certain that had we taken her to the hospital last week (when things were really bad and scary) she would have been admitted because of the condition she was in. It gives me hope that there ARE things that we can do to help Sarah. It gives me hope that this disease is not going to constantly take over our lives. It gives me hope that we may be able to form some sort of normal for our family that does not always involve living in crisis mode. Hope.... I love that word.

There are some who believe that with God all things are possible. As for me, I believe that with HOPE all things are possible.

Just What the Doctor Ordered

As Bob and I were sitting out back having our daily cup of  coffee yesterday morning we decided to do something fun as a family. It seemed like it had been forever since we had done something that didn't include preparing for home schooling, getting the house ready to put on the market (which by the way it will be going up on September 12th), and worrying about Sarah. We were frustrated that our lives have seemed so out of control for so long (Bob finishing grad school,the stress of waiting to see if Bob's company was going to transfer us out of state, Bob's temporary job assignment for 7 months in Chicago, Sarah's diagnosis and three hospitalizations...). It has been a little over 3 years that all of this craziness began and we are so tired of feeling as if our lives are not our own.

So, we decided to quit the race for the day, and step back in time to be together as a family doing something relaxing. No painting, no preparing, and no worrying. We took the kids up to Edge Water Park in Cleveland. I have never been there before, but Bob took the kids once this summer. (I was always told that the beach there was very dirty which is why I never ventured up there, but it is actually pretty adequate. Definitely not a 5 star beach by any means, but it did the trick, and was just what we were looking for.)

My kids enjoying each others company.

It finally dawned on me as I was sitting with my toes just at the waters edge (I find that I have my best moments when I am in or near nature) that I have been a fool for allowing my worry over Sarah to consume my life lately.It is okay to worry for her and about her, but not in the way that I have been. My worry was sapping the moments with my family and myself that I have now.It was consuming me. Right now, Sarah is not in the hospital. Right now, Sarah's vision is adequate. Right now, we are all together as a family. Right now, Sarah is a child whose only troubles with MS are her vision problems and fatigue. She doesn't have memory loss, she doesn't have bladder issues, she doesn't have tingling sensations anymore, she hasn't lost the ability to use her legs, she doesn't have seizures. I need to stop worrying, and enjoy what I have right now. As usual, once that thought hit my brain, and I acknowledged it my whole mind/body were like, "Well of course that is as it should be!". And so, I had a great day with my family. We all had a great day. It was so much fun to see all 4 kids play together, and have fun, and laugh together. They ended up swimming in their clothes because our bathing suits are packed in a box and out of the house, but I brought extra clothes for them to change into when they were done. It was so great to play with them, and to see them play with one another. It was an afternoon that I will not forget for a long, long time.  It was just what the doctor would have ordered because when we all got home we felt relaxed and cohesive again.

I am very glad that we took the time to BE together. I am glad that we showed ourselves that life will only slow down for us if WE get off of life's fast track, and slow it down ourselves. We kept waiting for life to slow down first, and then we would have been able to relax. What we should have been doing these last 3 years is getting off of the fast lane ourselves. I am glad that we figured this lesson out now because it is one we will not forget.

One tough young lady.

Relaxing - Elizabeth style.

Me and Sarah.

Elizabeth and I burying her feet.

The kids trying to jump over the waves.

Wave jumping.

Andyman - he is becoming a young man more and more each day. 

My goofballs.

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They LOVED these waves.

Andy after conquering a wave.

Coming up with a plan to get the next wave.

My girl braving it alone.

Josh freezing his tushy off.

Getting It Back Together

I have gotten off track again...seems I have a habit of doing that a lot...sometimes I wish that I could just believe in what I believe in, and that live that belief, and be done. Not second guess myself and not allow outside critics inside my head. 

When things are running smoothly - when I am taking care of myself and living my life to the best of my ability - when I am living authentically - I feel wonderful. 

When I am not being truthful with myself, and I am not living according to my core beliefs then I feel awful. I have allowed that awful feeling to creep into my life over the last several months, and it has now taken over my well being. Time to regain control.


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“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.' 

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?' 

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 

― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

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To be nobody but myself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me somebody else-means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting. - e.e. cummings

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