A New Home

More updates to come in the next month, but we found our next home. It is a new build in Denver, North Carolina. It has 5 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, and is a smudge over 3000 square feet. The lot sits on a bit of a hill, is a corner lot on a cul-de-sac. There are sidewalks on both sides of the road (which is something we do not currently have, and is a huge plus for Sarah), a community pool, fitness center, and community gathering place. We get the keys on April 21, 2023.

We are so excited for this next adventure, and will be sure to share each step of the journey as it comes!

The Loves Of My Life

Motherhood. 

What a difficult, rewarding, gut-wrenching, inspiring, heartbreaking, joy-filled adventure. 

Any mother will tell you that being a mama is the most challenging journey of their lives. Raising tiny, completely dependent humans into complete, “good”  adults is no easy feat. 

There have been so many days where I have felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother. Days where I have wondered what the hell the universe was doing bestowing these four souls I call my children to me. 

And yet…

Here I am with three of my four children now adults, and my youngest child turning 17 this year. 

And they are the best, most beautiful people this planet has ever seen. I couldn’t be more proud of the people my children have become and are becoming still. 

They are kind, polite, thoughtful, intelligent, loving, loyal, creative, hard-working, diligent, brave, talented human beings. 

They all represent the best of me and the best of Bobby. They are change-makers and peace-keepers. 

They are funny, and make me laugh until I snort. They are humans I truly enjoy being around and hearing their thoughts and opinions on things. 

They challenge me and make me strive to be a better person. 

Andy is my sweet protector. He has a heart of gold, and would do anything for the five of us. He is loyal and dependable. He is creative and funny. He marches to the beat of his own drum and has his own timelines for life. He is always up for an adventure and willing to try anything once. He loves nature. He is pure in heart. 

Joshua is independent and a free thinker. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him, and doesn’t live his life to impress anyone. He is who he is. He loves his family, and is grateful for the sacrifices we have made for him to play the sport he loves. Josh is a very talented soccer player. He is sarcastic and funny. He wants the best for his siblings and cheers them on in their goals. He likes to have a good time and is always up for a good party. Family is incredibly important to him. He is a champion of the disenfranchised. 

Sarah is determined, strong-willed, and courageous. She is incredibly intelligent and has the best belly laugh in the whole-wide world. She is independent and loyal. She loves her family fiercely and is willing to make their causes her causes. She is a strong support system for her best friend, her sister, Elizabeth. She is musically inclined  and thinks outside the box. She doesn’t give up and has an amazing work ethic (when she wants to).  She is tender hearted -especially towards animals. 

Elizabeth has a heart of gold. She is open and generous with all of her resources both internal and external. She is so, so creative. She is sensitive and feels deeply. She also has an eye out for those left behind by mainstream society. She has been her sister’s seer almost since Sarah began losing her vision and has been so willingly. She loves her siblings fiercely and is a mama’s girl. She loves playing soccer and is super artistic. 

My children are gifts to this world, and I sometimes feel unworthy to be their mother because they are such incredibly amazing, cool people. 

I am so lucky that I have gotten to have a front row seat as they have grown. I look forward to the rest of their journeys and being their biggest champion as they each go through this life. 

I love them more fiercely than I love anything else. I would do just about anything for them. 

They are the loves of my life. 

Random Thoughts and Photos

 I find myself wanting to say so much, but yet also feeling like I have nothing to say. The days of writing about playing at the playground and the antics of one kiddo or another seem to be gone. Instead, in its place, are adult (or near adult) children in the beginning stages of leading their own lives. For some of my children this means that I am no longer privy to the everyday details of their lives. It is only the select occasions that I get to share in their world, and often those moments don't seem exciting enough to share - even if I do cherish them greatly. 

It was so easy to write about our day-to-day lives all of those years ago, and there is a small part of me that misses that time period. The larger part of me though is so grateful for that time, but so thankful for the time I am living in now as the mother of three amazing adult (and one amazing near adult) children. I am so glad that I had the foresight back then to not wish away the ages that my kids were as some are wont to do. I have enjoyed every stage of their lives, even the hard ones, because I knew that it in the blink of an eye each stage would pass by. There are plenty of things that I got wrong, but that was one thing I got right. 

Of course, like most mothers, if I could go back in time from the moment I found out I was pregnant with Andy, I would have done some things differently. But I am only able to say that with the wisdom of a mother who has grown almost all of her children. I know that I did the very best that I could do in each stage of my mothering journey even when my very best was not very good. I think that is all we can offer our children as flawed human beings. I was always honest with my kids. I knew when I was not up to snuff, and tried to be as honest as I could with them about that. I have never been afraid to apologize to them when it was necessary because I wanted them to know I was human. 

If I am being honest, it has hurt my heart that this space has become a wasteland of unspoken words and stories. It has been happening for years. Gone are the months where I had multiple posts each week. Now, I am lucky if I get to this space once a month, but more often than not it is multiple months before I can summon up an experience or story to tell. The weird thing is that it isn't as if there aren't experiences being had each month. I guess maybe the problem is that this space is such a reminder of the past, of what was, and I don't do well dwelling on what was. There is an ache in my heart when I come to this space because I have spent my whole adult life being a mama - of being my kids universe, and now, one by one I no longer am. As a person who gave up a career and any semblance of a life outside of the walls of my home in order to dedicate my whole life to my children, I feel a sense of loss at the fading of this part of my life. Almost all of my children are pretty independent and don't need me for the day-to-day things of life. How does one transition from the only thing she has ever really known into something completely different?

Maybe, subconsciously, I ignore this space because it has always been a space dedicated solely to my journey as a mother. It's not that I am no longer a mother, certainly I am, but it's different now, and has been becoming so for many years. Most of the women bloggers that I follow(ed)

 no longer write once their children are all grown. That season of life of writing every day stories seems to be cast aside once our children are grown. We do not write about the transitions of moving from a place of having kiddos under our feet and in our homes to having young adults in college and the workforce. We don't show what happens to us when we move from the place of full-time mothers, teachers, housekeepers, taxi-drivers, etc...to living a life just for ourselves with careers of our own and dreams that solely focus on our own wants and desires. 

I wonder why that is - that we mamas no longer write about our worlds once the kiddos are grown. It's almost as if we feel there are no more stories worth telling. As if the only part of our lives that has value has passed beyond us and we are left with the ghosts of our past life hovering in the shadows. I cannot believe that this is the truth. Certainly, our lives are worth telling about and sharing even after our children have gone off to find and build their own lives? 

I don't have any answers, and I haven't for a long time. I only know that there is something that keeps pulling me to this space, even if it is not very often. There must be some part of me that believes that this next phase of my life is worth sharing. I suppose only time will tell... 

Sarah made this one day, when she was messing around with some legos. It is a representation of herself and Elizabeth. They are surrounded by a heart with the words 'Best Friends' written in contracted braille at the bottom. 

Superbowl Sunday snacks

New Beginnings

 We have decided to embark on a new chapter for our family. After living in this neighborhood for almost two years, we have decided to head out and find another more semi-permanent (for us) home. Our decision for doing so mainly has to do with the fact that our neighborhood, and in particular our street and a neighboring street, have experienced gun violence in the last six months, and it hasn't been just once. The mall a few miles from our house has had multiple incidents of gun violence these past six months, so much so that stores like Apple are pulling out of that area and are moving to a safer location. In the other direction, a few miles away near the University of North Carolina - Charlotte campus there have been multiple gun incidents as well. Some of them have been drug related, but at least one incident involved a mother of 4 being shot to death by an unknown assailant while getting money out of an atm. The perpetrator was not known by this woman according to video surveillance and police reports. Some random shmuck decided to rob and kill an innocent woman. 

The gun violence on our street was a drug related/ gang incident in which a car was chasing an individual who lives on the street next to ours through the neighborhood. There were two different guns fired, one of which the police said was a high-caliber gun, three neighbors had random bullets sprayed through their homes. Two of them had a stray bullet go through their windows and into second story bedrooms. We all heard the gunshots that night - as we did the weekend or so before when a gun was discharged right in front of our home at the bottom of our driveway after a party a few houses down got out of hand. These are not the only incidents either. It is rare for us to not hear guns being fired on the weekends. 

The police presence has been almost nil. They come after these incidents, but then leave and do not patrol our neighborhood until the next incident occurs. Then they come and take a police report, leave, and that is that. 

It is crazy to me that I live somewhere where I feel partially unsafe. I have lived all over this country, and never once have I felt unsafe in my own home and walking the dog through my own neighborhood at certain times of the day/night.  Yes, most of these incidents are drug related and only seem to affect those involved, but my new reality is that on any given night a random bullet could come into our home because a shot missed its mark. It is scary. I never in a million years thought I would live somewhere like that. We live in a nice neighborhood where I would never expect gun violence to occur. Maybe, that's my problem though. Maybe gun violence can happen anywhere? Or maybe I just shouldn't live within a city's zip code? 

I don't know. What I do know is that I am very thankful that we have the means to move ourselves as it is not cheap to do so. I am excited (as is everyone in the house) to move to a house that better fits our family's needs and to go on the house hunting journey as a family. In all of our moves, this will be the first time the kids will be able to (most of them) join in on our search and put their two cents in. We plan on beginning our house hunt in earnest on April 1st, but have been scouting a few locations already. 

What we do know is that we are looking for a five-bedroom house that also has an office. We would like it to back up into trees/woods so that we are not looking directly at our neighbors behind us. I would like a new build, but that isn't a must. I would also like a nice kitchen with wood floors on the main level, and carpets on the second floor. I would love to have all 5 bedrooms on the second floor. A deal breaker is if a neighborhood does not have a community pool. The summers get too damn hot here, and there are very few public access points to water such as lakes locally, so a pool is a must. Bobby would like to find a house with both a front porch and a deck. Another major plus for him would be if the house has a basement. (These seem to be rare here, but they can be found occasionally.) 

I am excited to start a new chapter in a safer neighborhood. We are looking to stay at this location for the next 3+ years so that the kids can start/finish their college experiences. North Carolina, as I have mentioned before, offers amazing scholarships to kiddos who are residents to this state making college very affordable. We will most likely stay in this state until everyone has obtained his/her degrees. Then we will head out to somewhere more to our liking as we do not want to remain in North Carolina long term. 

A Glimpse of Heaven

 I have been hoping for a meaningful encounter with you since November 24th. Something that I could hold on to and know that you are alright. Something that I could carry with me through the hard times when the ache of missing you seems impossible to surmount; it happened last night. 

We were at some sort of gathering in which there was a tight crowd of people all around. It didn't seem like any sort of special occasion, just a gathering of people who all seemed to know one another in some sort of way and were casually visiting. There were people there that I knew too, but I didn't know all of them. I remember specifically hugging a bearded man with glasses and brown hair who seemed to know me intimately, but I don't ever remember encountering him in my real life, but he knew you, and I got the impression he knew me so well because you had told him all about me and our special relationship. 

As I made my way through the crowd of people, I made my way to you. You were standing next to the bearded man and seemed peaceful and calm. You seemed content. It seemed like you had been on a trip for a long time and that you had so many stories to tell me, but first you wanted to take a "selfie" with me. You held the camera out and mentioned that you needed the picture so that you could always have it with you to look at when we couldn't be together in person. I got the impression that you would be away from me for long periods of time and that our time together would be limited to short, sporadic visits when you were able to come back from your voyages. It was then that I turned toward you and just starting sobbing which made you start to cry. I remember how good it felt to hug you. It felt just like usual except there was an urgency in this hug because I didn't know if I would ever get a chance to hug you again, and I wanted to savor every moment of our embrace. I wanted to hold you forever. You were strong in your hug, not frail. It was like you were my grandpa of 25 year ago. You didn't need your walker or a cane. You just stood on your own with your arms wrapped around me and I could feel your strong hands and the way it felt to rest my chin on your chest. I could feel your whiskers on my cheek from you beard. 

Somehow, we knew that our time was limited, and so we cried and hugged and hugged and cried. Each being so happy and appreciative to be in the other's embrace. It felt so good to hug you again. To see you again and be with you. Your hug felt so real; like all of the other hundreds, and maybe thousands of hugs before it. I could remember every detail of your embrace. It was like finding a sacred treasure that you thought was lost forever, but stumbling upon it randomly and knowing how lucky you were to have found it again. Treasuring every part of it. 

But then, something changed, and you were gone. And I knew then that this was all just a dream, and that there would never be another hug again - not in real life anyway. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest because our dream together seemed so real. I was sure of its realness. 

In the end, I don't know if you came to me, or if you brought me to you, but either way I feel like I got to glimpse a little bit of heaven - being with you again, even if only for a fleeting moment in my dreams, was what I have been waiting for since you left this earth. I hope that you visit me often in my dreams, I will always be waiting for you there. 

You

 Your birthday was a week ago. You would have been 88 this year.  I could not stop thinking about you. I thought about the power of your influence in my life - both good and bad. I thought about the essence of what made you - You. I thought about how much spirit some people possess, how they seem bigger than life. What makes it this way? 

On the day of what would have been your 88th birthday, I wondered if you had made it into heaven. Were your Catholic beliefs correct? Was your faith properly placed? If so, is Grandpa with you? Is he okay? Can you tell him that I miss him so much that the pain seems to break me in two sometimes? 

On your birthday, I thought about how I was correct in believing that you were the heart of the family and that Grandpa was its soul. Without either of those entities how can a living thing go on? It won't, I am learning. Instead, what was our family will change and morph into something else, passed down to the next generation or two. I hope that what we build from the foundation you have left behind is something worth working for. 

On the day of your birth eighty-eight years gone by, I thought about your laughter and generosity. I thought about your 4th of July parties and how much fun they were and how the tradition of them became such a part of my life's summers. I thought about how complicated you were. How much you wrestled with internally that I didn't truly start to comprehend until you were battling dementia. I wondered how much of the vitriol you spewed on others was really a reflection of your own internal conflict within. 

On your birthday, I wondered if you ever really felt our love. Did you know the depth of it? Could you allow yourself to feel it? I know that you sometimes felt like you were in Grandpa's shadow, but you were amazing in your own right, could you ever see that? There is no one in the world who will ever be quite like you. Your generosity was unparalleled, and I know of no one who gave so willingly and freely of her resources (except for my own mother). 

I miss you - immensely. I miss your laughter, your smiles, your crooked finger pointing as you tell a story, your Yankees midriff t-shirt. I miss hearing Janis Joplin on the stereo playing while you make dinner - a white or black Russian in a red tinted glass on the counter as you prepare the latest evening meal. I miss hearing you call for me and the nicknames you had for me. I just miss your presence in my life. I would take all of you - even your hard, dark parts - in order to be able to spend time with you again. 

On the 15th of February, I wondered if you were happy. Did you feel whole, complete? Were your wounds, both external and internal, healed? Most importantly, I wondered if you were at peace. 

I don't know that I have the same beliefs as you in terms of what comes after death, if anything at all, but I would like to believe that there is something after this life, even if I am still undecided about it. I would like to believe that the dream I had about you the night after I got back to North Carolina after your funeral was your way of telling me that you were okay. For as long as I live, I will never forget that dream. You looked beautiful and radiated peace and happiness. That dream was one of my favorite dreams of all time. 

I hope you know you are missed - and that your legacy will live on through those left behind to finish our own journeys in this thing call Life. 

I hope we meet again in my dreams. I'll be looking for you...

Hanging Rock State Park

In an effort to get out of the house more often and see the sights around North Carolina while we still live here (we are not planning on moving out of state any time soon, but I don't see us staying here permanently) we have made it a point as a family to try and get out every Saturday to hike new trails. The weather here this winter has been pretty rainy, so we haven't been able to get out as often as we would like to, but we have made it out several times in the last 6-7 weeks. We are also making more of an effort to try and get out now, as opposed to the springtime because both Elizabeth and Josh will have spring soccer games that will take up a good majority of our Saturdays. By the time summer comes around it has been our experience that it is too darn humid in these parts to be hiking, but maybe we will change our mind this summer and get to the mountains more often as it is not as hot and humid as the Charlotte area is. 

On this particular Saturday, we headed to Hanging Rock State Park and hiked a pretty hard trail up and down a mountain. The scenery at the top was very pretty with miles and miles of mountain peaks in every direction one could look. We brough Max with us which I know he appreciated and with the exception of the car ride there in which he whined the whole time in the car, he was a very good boy. 

With Josh being at school, it was just the five of us, but we all still had a good time together. We are getting more and more used to Josh not being around for a lot of what we do. In 6ish months, we'll have to get used to another member of our tribe not being around a lot as Sarah will be heading off to college as well. 

I am always glad that we get out of the house as a family. I think everyone of us would agree with that statement. It is so easy to get caught up in staying at home and doing home things that one can forget that there is a whole wide world out there waiting to be explored. 

It is always cool for us to go hiking in places where these signs exist. There is something about being reminded that nature can be a dangerous place that is a bit intoxicating to me. 

 

Of course, I have to include a Moose pic. He stayed home while we hiked, but kept the house in order and under control.