Growing Greggs - A Love Story

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Learning To Find Peace

A look up at the tops of the tall trees and blue sky at the beginning of the Carolina Trail that we have walked the last couple of days. No leaves exist on the trees and only the tiniest of buds can be seen if you look close enough.

A cluster of white flowers with yellow centers. They look like a relative of the daisy flower. They are growing amid decomposing leaves, moss, and other small plant life coming out of hibernation as well.

A single purple flower with 4 petals growing amind the decaying leaves, sporadic grasses, and small plant life (like weeds, vines, and flowers not yet bloomed).

A view of the left hand side of the swamp as you walk towards the deck we haven't made it to yet. There are trees sitting in water about shin high - hundreds of them - getting ready to bud.

A picture of the twisted tree that you felt. Blue sky above. Dead leaves and fresh dirt on the ground all around. Trees as far as the eye can see.

A tree or bush (I cannot yet tell which) with light pink blossoms on it near the second lake. The tree/bush grows right on the water's edge on the path between the two benches. The water in the background is muddy and reddish looking.

A small branch of the same tree/bush with multiple blossoms on it. The limb is directly in the sunlight making the flowers shine.

A long ago fallen tree with a single muchroom growing out of its bark. The mushroom basks in the afternoon light displaying its white and brown coloring proudly.

A tall tree with a southern belle dress-like bottom with a small arched cutout that almost looks like a doorway without the door. The hollowed out space is clearly meant for an animal to live in and reminds me of the magic of the pacific northwest. There is a single fern showing to the left of the doorway in the "front yard" of the creature who makes this space home.

Spikey lime green moss growing at the base of a tree.

The chaos in my mind reached its crescendo last August making life feel unbearably hard. I knew that this cacophony of noise was unsustainable for a healthy life. I have lived with this tornado of thoughts, feelings, and emotions for as long as I can remember, and while there was nothing out of the ordinary that I can think of to cause it to get out of hand, it just did. If I am being completely honest, my headspace has gotten out of hand in the past, but I have always been able to temporarily fix things so that I could go on living the life of a homeschooling, homemaking mama and wife.

Maybe everything came to a head because I was tired of fighting the warring thoughts in my head daily, hourly, minute by minute. I have been doing so for so long that I think my aging body and mind just said ENOUGH. And as hard as this process has been to begin to deconstruct all that I think I am and all that I think I believe, both about myself and the larger world around me, I know in the deepest parts of myself that this process is vital to finding peace within.

I have often read that the mind/body connection is real and runs deep. While I could conceptualize that connection for others and maybe even myself, I truly did not understand this depth until my physical body raised some fire alarms almost two years ago. These external issues were the direct result of untreated internal issues, and I did what I have always done when a fire breaks out - I put the fire out but did not address what caused the fire in the first place.

I knew last August, when a three-alarm fire started within, and I did not have enough water to put it out on my own that I had to find the root causes of these fires because they were only getting worse, and my ability to put them out was becoming more and more ineffective. I didn't want to burn anymore. I didn't want to feel the rising heat from the friction my warring insides were causing. A phoenix can only rise so many times from its own ashes before the strength needed to pull itself together - even just one more time - becomes an obstacle it cannot overcome. I did not/could not just exist as a shell of a human being because my insides were scorched. I wanted to heal. I wanted to grow beautiful things within, so that I could finally learn how to live and love the whole of me - mind, body, and soul.

And so, last September, after burning out of control all August, I began the process of putting in the work to stop the fires and to start nurturing and nourishing the spaces in my head, so that it could help to heal my heart. I have a long journey ahead of me. What I thought would be a simple solution for the first few months of treatment, I can see now that this process is anything but simple. It is hard and complex. It makes me cry and rage and feel sorrow, but it is also healing me. I am just beginning to see some of the first sprouts of life within as
I learn different techniques to understand my fires and why they happen. And this is good.

I do not have blissful days every day...yet. The civil war inside has been going on for so long that it won't just stop with a trick or an easy strategy, and it might still rage for a long time before it subsides, but I do know that I will get there. One day the warring words and thought patterns will subside and there will be only peace within. That thought propels me through my hard days and encourages me to keep on putting in the work.

Because I deserve peace.

Sunday, March 10, 2024

When They Go

In the early morning hours, I said good-bye to my eldest son, Andy, as he left for Ohio where he will be staying for the next couple of months working for his cousin's landscaping business. It is always hard for me to say good-bye to my kiddos. The dual feelings of sadness (for me) and happiness (for them) is sometimes hard for me to reconcile. I know that life is meant to be this way. We raise our children for them to go off into the world to find their own paths, but it is still hard for me, as I suppose it is for almost all mothers.

I know that this time will be especially good for Andy who is having trouble finding his footing on his life's journey. He has been struggling these last few years finding his way forward, and it has caused him some immense anguish, which (in his mind) is only exacerbated by his siblings growing and moving beyond him in certain areas of life. I have often tried to tell him that life is a long-distance race (hopefully) and that it doesn't matter if his timeline looks like others - that we are each meant to have our own unique journeys, but I know that he feels society's pressures of what a successful life is supposed to look like, and it creates an emotional internal turmoil in him that is hard to walk him through.

Going away, being on his own, doing his own thing is a very good thing for him as it allows him the freedom and space to feel like a productive human being. (Which he is.) He is one of the hardest workers I know (and always has been), so I have no doubt that what he accomplishes these next couple (or even few if he stays on longer working for his cousin) will help to fill his emotional bucket - something he sorely needs.

There has been some discussion of him starting a technical school this summer when he gets back from Ohio. He has also applied to a school that will earn him a commercial pilot's license as being a pilot has always been a dream of his. The steps to getting into the school are rigorous, and he will complete the first one on May 15th when he has a 'Class A' FAA medical exam (or something like that). He has had some physical setbacks (two blown lungs to name one) that may prevent him from passing the medical exam which is why I am so happy for him to have the technical school (which we toured a couple of weeks ago together) to fall back on if the piloting school doesn't pan out for him. (I would L-O-V-E to see this opportunity pan out for him though.) I think he has given up on the college degree route which Bobby and I fully support and have been suggesting that he do so for a while now. College just wasn't his jam, but he felt compelled to keep trying to get a square peg in a round hole for reasons both known and unknown to me.

Joshua will be graduating from college next spring and has informed me that he has no intention of staying in North Carolina (which from what he told me has one of the lowest starting teacher salaries in the nation) and will be applying for a job in Texas, New Mexico, or Arizona where there is plenty of sunshine. I know that there is a lot of time for things to change between now and then, but I feel pretty confident that at one point or another he will end up in the Southwest as this is not the first time he has told me of his desire to live in that part of the country.

I try not to dwell too hard on that the fact that my intuition of my children being scattered all over this nation when they reached adulthood was true - because the truth is that I would love for us to all be within comfortable weekly Sunday dinner drives from each other, but that isn't the message we have given them over the years. We have always told them (and shown them with the way we have lived our own lives) to not be afraid to seek out their own happiness wherever that may lead them. (Some of the kids have even talked about moving out of the country which I would fully support as much as it would make my mama heart ache.

The future has yet to determine where Sarah and Elizabeth will end up. I wouldn't be surprised if Elizabeth followed Sarah wherever Sarah went. They are just so, so close that I do not see them living far apart from one another. Only time will tell.

Sunday, March 3, 2024

FC Charlotte: Season 3 Home Opener

A picture of Dad, Me, Andy, and Elizabeth taking a selfie in the parking lot where we left the car to go to the game. We are all bundled up and the sky is dark.

On Saturday, February 24, 2024, Bobby, Andy, Elizabeth and I attended the home opener of Charlotte FC. (Sarah unexpectedly came home that weekend, so we didn't have a ticket for her. She stayed home with the dogs.) This is Charlotte FC's third season, and we have been fortunate enough to have been at all of their home openers since their inception.

This was the team's first win on a home opener. They won 1-0 after scoring in the first half. The team played strongly in the first half but seemed to falter during the second half. We were relieved to see the team come away with the win because there were moments during the game when we were not sure it would happen.

Josh ended up getting tickets to the game with his buddies, and because one of them is currently doing an internship with Charlotte FC, they were able to get luxury box seats (which he said was pretty awesome).

Charlotte FC has the best, best, best opener of any sports team I have ever seen. The light show, the fireworks, the introductory video, the national anthem, the fighter jets, all of it is so awesome. It definitely gets the crowd going every time.

I think we are all looking forward to the next game we go to. We had a lot of fun.

FC Charlotte players are warming up on the field below. The stadium is only partially full.

Pregame warm-ups.

A selfie of the four of us From left to right: Me, Andy, Elizabeth, Dad. We are all bundled up in hats, gloves, and coats.

Getting ready to sing the national anthem. On the field is a huge flag held up by workers. There are also two circular banners held up by people representing ally - the company that supports the team - and the fc emblem. The stadium is more full than before.

Monday, February 26, 2024

Sarah’s Birthday Trip

One of Sarah's favorite places to be is the ocean. (I wonder who she gets that from?) Because she was finishing up her first semester of college on her birthday this year, we weren't able to have the normal birthday type celebrations that we usually do. Instead, Sarah requested a trip to the ocean.

We ended up heading to one of our 'go to' beaches - Ocean Isle - and rented the cutest condo for the night. With our move in May we are now about 4 hours from the ocean, and while we could technically make this trip in a day, now that we can afford to, we like to spend the night whenever our schedules allow.

The beach was practically deserted while we were there. I always find this to be the craziest thing. It is still relatively warm in the winter months here, and so I don't understand why more local(ish) people don't take advantage of this and come to the beach. I guess I shouldn't complain because less people at the beach is just fine with me. In fact, it's what I prefer.

We spent almost all of Saturday at the beach and a smidge of Sunday morning. It was raining on Sunday (and on Saturday night), so we didn't feel like staying, but we had such a good time while we were there. Sarah requested eating at the restaurant that she ate at last year when Bobby and the kids to her to the beach for her 18th birthday weekend. (I was in NY attending my grandfather's funeral.) I don't remember the name of this restaurant, but it was pretty reasonably priced and had decent food, so that was nice. It was about a 20-minute drive inland from where we were staying.

I think this year was a bit of a downer birthday for Sarah as this was her first grown-up birthday in which adult responsibilities got in the way of making a huge deal about her special day. I do think that a night at the beach partially made up for this though.

View of the beach when we first got to the airbnb. The tide is out and the picture shows mostly sand. The sky is blue with some white clouds here and there.

You and Elizabeth taken from behind walking down the beach on our long walk. The water is on your left. The waves are gentle and the water is slowly coming up to our feet. On the left is the housing for the town. The sky is blue and the sun is shining on the left hand side of our bodies.

A picture of the water. There are bubbles all around us as the waves finish there ascent up the shoreline. The sun is beaming down on the water. There are deep ripples in the sand from where the waves have pushed themselves back and forth over the land.

Taken from in the water - this picture shows the waves and water all around. I am standing in ankle deep water.

This picture is of the same view, but it taken from a little bit further out. The water is just hitting my toes as it descends back into the depths of the deep ocean.

The sun is shining on the water as gentle waves crest quietly and roll onto the shore. The sky is blue with white clouds dotted here and there and also on the horizon.

Elizabeth, you, and Andy standing on the beach facing the sun arms around each other. This pic was taken while on our long walk the day we got into town. The ocean is on the right and the shoreline is on the left.

The jelly fish we found. It is pretty big - about the size of a dinner plate. It has that finding nemo type umbrella top and squiggly legs. The jellyfish is clear with a rust colored bottom part of the umbrella.

Another picture of the ocean as it comes in towards the shore. There are bubbles along the shoreline and in the shallows of the water.

The first of three pictures that shows the progression of a wave as it comes into the shore, crests, and hits the shoreline. There is a single cloud that is all by itself above where this wave is building. It is a weird shaped cloud. It looks like smoke pouring out of a chimney stacked fluffy and white. The wave I was following is just building in this photo.

This is the second of three pictures. The wave I was tracking crested and the white parts of the wave are crashing down. That white fluffy cloud is still lingering over the wave. The sun is shining in the sky.

The 3rd of three pictures showing the wave as it ambles along to the shore.

Another picture of the waves as the come crashing in (gently) towards the shore.

A view of the last part of the wave after it has met the shore. This view shows the line where the wave meets the sand. The water is mostly bubbles and is less than an inch deep. There is nothing else in this picture except for the part of the wave and the sand.

A view of the ocean from the porch of the airbnb. There is an orange table with two chairs in the middle of the porch. To the left is the couch and to the right is a stool with a basket sitting on top of it. The porch railing is white. In the photograph you can see other condos to the left of the picture and parts of the deck for the condo association as well as some beach grass and then, finally, the ocean.

This is a view of the airbnb from the front door. In front, on the right hand side of the room is the couch with the end table. to the back, right of the room is a table with two chairs and two benches. There are two walls in view of the dining table - one is aqua and one is white with decor on the walls. On the back right of the photo is the kitchen with a burnt orange wall. The appliances are stainless steel. There is a hallway in the middle back of the room which leads to the bathroom, pocket bedroom and the master.

The pocket bedroom with its bunkbeds. There is a light blue-gray ladder towards the left of the beds if you are facing them. The bed frame is white as well as the walls. There are raindrops painted onto the back wall in different colors of blue. The two matching bedspreads and sheets are the colors of the rainbow, but are triangles and white ovals all over the baby blue background.

Part of the master bedroom (with Elizabeth laying on the bed). The decor is black, white, and gray. There is a large window along the back wall.

A view of the living room and kitchen taken from the master. The space is tiny, but cozy. The decor is a beach theme and makes the house look so cute. Light is shining into the condo from the open doorway.

Morning time. The sky is mostly cloudy and the sun has not made its way out. The ocean looks dark and gloomy.

Late afternoon on the first day. The tide is moving out (I think) and the sky is beginning to cloud up partially covering up the sun. The pier is in the distance and there does not seem to be a single soul in view.

The sun behind a collection of rain clouds. All that is visible is the light that is cascading left and right from where the sun sits. The Ocean Isle boardwalk is in front of me. The tide's waves are lazily coming up on the shore in long, thin motions.

I am walking closer to the pier as I can see that the sunset is going to be visible once the sun drops below the clouds. The water is on my left, wet sand in front of me, and the sky in the distance.

The sun descending from the gray band of clouds that was obscuring it from sight. Its reddish orange glow is sliding down towards the horizin, but hasn't yet lit up the sky in its variety of colors.

a view of the sunset from underneath the pier. the sky is mostly obscured by the pier, but the glow of the sun is visible. The beach is empty.

The sun setting as seen in front of the pier. The sky is full of white and gray clouds with splashes of orange, yellow, pink, and purple here and there around the sky. The water is to the left and homes and hotels are on the right.

The beginning of the sunset taken from afar. The sun has just come down from the clouds that were blocking its descent. The sky has not yet turned its kaleidoscope of colors yet. The sky is filled with dark gray clouds, the beach and the water are calm.

Sunset - a halo of yellow is surrounding the sun as it sets on the horizon. The sun is reflected in full form across most of the wet beachy sand in a tunnel like vision.

The sunset - less of the sun is reflected in the sand than the previous picture, but there are still remnants of sun where the water meets the sand. The sky is all shades of sunset colors - purple, pink, orange, yellowish red.

Sunset view taken from the deck of our airbnb. There is beach grass in the forefront. The sun has not yet fully set and the cloudy are a grayish, purple. There is a beam of sunshine coming towards the deck on the right hand side of the photo. The water is in the background along with the pier. The sun is a brilliant orange.

The second to last pic of the sunset. The sun has only a little bit left to go before it is out of sight. The sky is lit up in shades of yellow, light orange, deep orange, and a purplish haze. Storm clouds are moving in and make up a portion of the sky.

The last of sunset. The big round sun is just about out of view. The ocean is calm as the waves gently roll onto the beach. The orange glow from the sun is reflected in the wet beach sand. There are gray storm clouds making up most of the sky, but there is enough clear sky to illuminate the horizon in deep shades of purple, orange, and pink.

The view from our deck at the sunset is now complete. The nighttime darkness is settling in along with the storm clouds making it hard to differentiate between the two. There is a sliver of daytime still left on the horizon, but it is quickly getting eaten up by the darkness. The pool of the condo association is lit up as well as the deck area.

A cloudy morning with bits of the rising sun reflecting off of the clouds that make up most of the sky. Beach grass is in the forefront of the picture - behind it the ocean appears calm and vast.

This is a view of the storm from moving in. It was taken from the sand on the beach, but the tide is very close to where I am standing. The clouds coming towards us are a dark gray and are pretty ominous as they sit over the open ocean.

A gray sky over the ocean. The waves seem to be coming in roughly. The picture is taken from the wet, sandy beach.

A lone seagull on the beach just where the tide has receded. He is looking towards the housing and away from the ocean. He is standing in wet sand.

The little run very fast bird in the water ankle deep looking for food.

This is a photo of one of those birds whose legs run really, really fast. This bird is in the water searching for food as the waves wash in and out.

A large flock of seagulls sitting on the beach just hanging out. There are maybe 50 birds - some a sleeping and some are just hanging out waiting for who knows what. The sky is pretty gray.

A gray and white bird feather - most likely from a seagull just laying on the sand all by itself.

A view of a wave as it moves back to the ocean. A shell or something must have been dragged back with the water because there is a streak of clear water down the middle of the picture with bubbly water all around it. The cleared part is making a path back out to the ocean.

The view of a wave as it moves up the sandy beach. The tip of the wave is bubbly with random bubbles scattered about the rest of the picture as other waves meet the sand and pull away from it.

A view of the underside of the pier and the tide going out to see. The sky is gray.