Being Cool...

One of my sons has always wrestled with being popular and what it takes to be so in his world. Out of all of my children (up to this point anyway) he is the most concerned about his friendships, and places a high value on them. This has always concerned me a bit because in my world, family is first above all else. I realize that not everyone feels this way, and I would rather that my child not be one of them. I know of people that have a tight group of friends that they have become so close to that those people take the place of family. Now, I am not saying that one cannot have someone(s) in her/his life that he/she does not consider to be as close as family, but what I am saying is that I feel that family should not be cast aside in favor of friends. I have taught my children that family comes first - ALWAYS.(I realize that there are some dysfunctional families where this does not apply, but for the most part I think that if you have a functional family - family first.)

My son is extremely sensitive, but does not want anyone else to know that. Because of this fitting in, for him, has taken on an even greater importance. He truly cares and internalizes every negative comment brought to his attention.  He does not like to show emotion in front of anyone, and gets angry when he cries. (I am not sure where he got this from because I have always let my kids know that crying is a normal, natural, and healthy thing. I know that my husband feels this way too.) Because of his sensitivity and the importance of being accepted by his peers I find myself worrying about him more than the other children on the topic of making good choices and being comfortable with who he is. He wants very much to be part of the cool crowd, and I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff where the decisions that I make with him with have long lasting far reaching implications. I try to explain to him that he needs to be himself, but I realize that the seduction of being "cool" is very tantalizing especially to youngsters. Heck - if I really look at it I find that there are still adults who are trying to be part of the cool crowd, and we graduated from high school MANY moons ago! I thought all of that nonsense was supposed to be over eons ago.

Anyway, I digress (as usual). I don't think that it helps that our family is unique and conservative in how we parent. It doesn't help him that we are the ONLY family that I know of that does not allow video games in our home with a rating of 'M'. We monitor the computer and TV. In our home, we limit the amount of all electronic usage. In our home - the word 'shut up' is as bad as saying the "F" word. I find that 'shut up' is degrading and disrespectful. I have NEVER once said that word to my children nor to my husband, and I will not allow my children to say that word in our home without consequences. The words 'stupid' and 'idiot', etc...are not acceptable words either. When the kids get angry I advise them to let our their steam by either yelling out loud (one time) at the top of their lungs  the words 'AAAAAHHHHHH!!!' or punching their pillows or mattress. (Hey, they have to get that anger out somehow. Rather it be on the pillow than on a sibling.)

So, for a kid trying to fit in - our family is not exactly going to make the mark by today's standards. BUT I also very much believe in the family values that I am trying to instill in our children, and I think that the rewards of what we are teaching them may not be seen clearly as children, but they will certainly see them as they become adults. I am trying to let my son know that his feelings are valid, and that it DOES hurt sometimes to be a kid. I let him know that being one of the "cool" kids does feel good - on the surface - but that a lot of times when a person becomes one of the "cool" kids in the crowd he/she will, a lot of the time, act in a way that she/he might not normally  do so in order to fit in. I am trying to let him know that you never know who is watching, and that character and reputation are EXTREMELY important in life - BOTH have the ability to make or break you. I have also tried to let him know that the most rewarding friendships are not those in which  you have to pretend to be somebody else, but rather the ones in which you can just be yourself.

I hope that I can make a difference, and that he is able to really hear what I am saying to him. I also think that I really need to make sure that I am living in the way I am asking him to live in. My actions will speak louder than my words - as the saying goes - I want to make sure that I am staying as true to who I am as possible. To truly model the behavior that I want him to try and live.

That son of mine is such a neat kid. He is so wonderful is SO many ways, and I love him so much. I hope he sees the beauty in himself, and is able to make his way in this world trusting who he is without basing that trust on the opinions of others. One of my greatest jobs as a mother is to help give my children a solid and strong foundation so that they can see the beauty in themselves. I want them to be okay with who they are as they are, and to not worry about being one of the "cool" kids.  True "coolness" comes when a person is uniquely himself.

Thought for the Day

I once saw a quote, and it really hit home.

 

"How we spend our moments is how we spend our lives." - Anon

 

I am the kind of person who used to constantly be (and still struggle with from time to time) the kind of person who would say:

 

"When my house is clean I will..."

"When all of the laundry is done, I will..."

"When I have done __________and _________, then I will..."

 

 

And you know what? The house was never clean enough and the laundry never done enough, and my life was passing me by. I was too busy "cleaning" to stop and play play dough or swing on the swings or giggle or run around and just be free. Now my kids are all in school, and too often the house is quiet.

 

I try to always remember that while I cannot change the past - I do have control over what I choose to do in the present and future. So, now when you come over to my house and it is a little messier than  you think it should be for a "stay at home mom" - please remember that my house may be messy, but my children were played with, loved on, and laughed with. At the end of the day that is really the only thing that truly matters.

 

For the memories my children carry with them will affect how they parent and how their children parent, and so forth. I want to make the most of this time that I have with them - for as any parent knows this time slips by much too fast.

Things I Am Thankful For...

 I am stuck in a funk right now waiting and waiting to see if this baby thing is going to work out, so I thought that I would think about all of the things that I can think of in 60 seconds that I am truly thankful for. Ready? Set. Go!

 

Andy

Josh

Sarah

Elizabeth

Lily (our dog)

Bob

My Grandfather

My family (both in state and out of state)

My home and all that is in it

Being able to stay home and make a home for my kids

My Bachelor's Degree

Indian Summer weather

Laughing

Reading

Hugging

Singing

Talking

Sharing

Loving

Hoping

Dreaming

Love of myself

Love of others

Peace

Knowledge

The ability to change

My marriage

Hmmm...60 seconds goes by pretty fast sometimes.

Having Faith

How do you get someone to believe in a vision that you are so certain of, but the only "proof" that you have that it will work out the way you say, is feeling deep inside that you JUST KNOW it will work out? To ask him to believe in something that he refuses to believe in because there are no "facts" that can be presented to him at the moment? How do you get him to see that if certain choices are not made now that there will come a time when he will look back and think that, yes, indeed you were right, but it will be too late to capitalize on those decisions? How do you get someone to understand that life is not about facts and figures, but about laughter and giggles. That it is about goodnight kisses and little hands to hold. It is about seizing the moment because if you don't that moment will move on, and all you will have left is the empty ache of what could have been. Yes, sometimes it is hard to make decisions without concrete evidence that it will indeed work out, but I have found in my life that those choices that I made where I did not know the outcome - where I took a leap of faith - those were the best decisions I have ever made. Oh, how I wish I could just reach inside of me, and share my certainty with him. How I wish I could let him feel how I feel inside to KNOW that it will all be okay. To have FAITH that it will be okay even when there is no proof right now? I am afraid that his fear of the unknown will win him over, and I will be left with the haunting ache of knowing what could have been...

Random Stuff...

While going about my day I constantly am thinking about things to blog about, but then the day progresses and I go about my life, and before I know it bedtime is upon me. I should just carry a tape recorder around with me, and then transcribe my thoughts onto my blog from each days recordings.

My oldest son had his first encounter with being bullied that was above and beyond "normal kid stuff", and I really want to go and beat the crap out of the offending party. Thankfully, this situation did not occur in a school setting, so I know that he can go to school each day and not have to worry about the bullying to happen there. I was so taken aback by the nastiness of the situation, and also by the complete lack of honesty (although I shouldn't have been surprised because if a kid can be that nasty why in the world would he/she show remorse or own up to his/her bad behavior) when confronted about the issue at hand. I don't want to go into the details too much - because although right now I have maybe 2 readers (my husband and a childhood friend) someday I hope to attract more visitors (I should probably tell people that I have a blog then, shouldn't I?) - I don't want to expose anyone because I do not think that is fair by going into the whole story. I would like to say that the responsible adult that handled the situation once it was brought to his/her attention handled it very well. I also know that I was very surprised by the wrath that I felt towards the kid(s) who were to cruel to Andy. I get that kids are mean and rotten to each other sometimes - it is a part of life, and it will help my kids adjust to being adults, but when it crosses that line to just plain cruelty I have NO tolerance for that. As my children's mother I feel that it is my job to let my children learn about life, and not hover over them - they will learn nothing that way, BUT if you cross that line with my kids it is MY job as their mother to PROTECT them. They need to know that I have their back ALWAYS when they are being bullied by others.

On another note - I had my last appointment yesterday with the fertility clinic about  reversing my tubal. From my doctors standpoint - IT IS A GO!!! All of my tests came back well, and showed that everything inside "down there" is in good working order. I also had genetic testing done, and I am not a carrier for any genetic diseases. So, at this point it is a matter of trying to find a way to pay for the surgery (which is not covered my insurance and is quite costly). I have a couple of ideas, and I think that I can convince my husband that they are actually decent ideas that would work out. I feel in my heart that my husband has warmed up to the idea of having another baby. I wouldn't say that he is gung ho about it, but I will say that when he holds my newborn niece I can see him thinking about whether or not he could do this again. When we talk about the reversal I can also tell by his language that he is more 'yes' than 'no' on this situation. For example, the other night we were talking on the phone (he is currently in Chicago for work) about how to pay for the surgery, and also the costs of the pregnancy and the delivery of a baby. He told me that he wanted to look and see which insurance company would cover the costs of the above mentioned procedures (pregnancy & delivery) the most. Now, I certainly did not call him out on that and point out his 'pro baby' conversation, but I did a little dance of joy in my head that is for sure. I think that he knows how much this would mean to me, and how fleeting this life is. Now, before I get ahead of myself I should probably clarify that he has not given it a 'go' yet. We are going to talk about it this weekend, and then if he says 'yes' (please pray that he does) then I will schedule the surgery on Monday for sometime at the end of December/early January.

Finally - I have lost 17 lbs, and I am super excited. I have been reading A LOT about how we raise and slaughter our meat and dairy animals, and I have decided that I am going to slowly move towards a vegan diet. Having been a vegetarian for the past 17 years (minus the 1 time a year I eat my Grandmother's chicken cutlets) not eating meat has not been hard, but I have given up milk, eggs, and all other dairy products. That has been a little bit harder to adjust to, and I am sure that I am still consuming items that have some of those products in them. (I try to read the labels, but companies are very tricky, and sometimes those items are not listed as dairy, milk, eggs, but rather under a name I do not recognize as being one of those items.) I am losing this weight by walking 3-4 times a week, and also by eliminating animal products from my diet. I  feel really good, and I am excited by the fact that hopefully sooner rather than later I will be living a cruelty free life (and be a heck of a lot skinnier).

 

 

 

 

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me...

 

I am married to a really, really good man. A hard working, honest, caring, (mostly) thoughtful man. I am married to the kind of man that puts up with my craziness, and loves me all the same. I wish all women had a wonderful guy in their life like I do. My husband is my partner. He allows me to be zany and crazy and a little off of the grid, and supports me even when he would like to institutionalize me. ;)

 

We are yin and yang.  He is steady and calm.  I am, at times, a force to be reckoned with. He supports my beliefs that I, as a mother, should be home with my children, and allows me to have my way with some pretty (at least in my community) conservative views on child rearing. He is the best kind of father I could have ever dreamed of having for my children. He is attentive and loving, patient and kind. He plays with my kids like nobody's business, and adores them in a way that all children should be adored by their fathers. He expects our children to help out around the house, to earn their keep, to contribute to our home environment, to be polite, and respectful - as each child should be expected to do. He spends time with them -which is more important than any material gift they will ever receive. He is goofy, and funny, and in turn, my children also adore their father.

 

Because my husband and I met when we were very young, 18 - to be precise, I sometimes get caught up with the notion that neither of us has had much life experience, and that maybe there is someone else out there that he would rather "be" with. Maybe there is someone else out there who is more like him who would/could make him happier than I do? Maybe if he had to choose over again - he would have chosen differently? After all, I am a complete handful. I am high maintenance, and often a pain-in-the-arse.

 

And then, I receive the most thoughtful anniversary card, or a friend will tell me that she is jealous of me because she wants a man in her life who looks at her the way my husbands looks at me, or I come to my senses. I am such a crazy goofy girl. My husband loves me because I am me. We were meant to experience our lives together which is why we met when we were so young.

My husband would not have had 4 children with me or contemplate having another child with me in the future if he wasn't absolutely crazy about me. There is so much good in me if I would just take the time to give myself some credit. There are so many reasons to love me - that why wouldn't my husband love me?

 

Is everything always roses? Nope, but what real non-TV marriage is? Yep, I sure married a wonderful man, and he married a wonderful gal. You know what? I wouldn't have had it any other way. Of course he loves me...