One of my sons has always wrestled with being popular and what it takes to be so in his world. Out of all of my children (up to this point anyway) he is the most concerned about his friendships, and places a high value on them. This has always concerned me a bit because in my world, family is first above all else. I realize that not everyone feels this way, and I would rather that my child not be one of them. I know of people that have a tight group of friends that they have become so close to that those people take the place of family. Now, I am not saying that one cannot have someone(s) in her/his life that he/she does not consider to be as close as family, but what I am saying is that I feel that family should not be cast aside in favor of friends. I have taught my children that family comes first - ALWAYS.(I realize that there are some dysfunctional families where this does not apply, but for the most part I think that if you have a functional family - family first.)
My son is extremely sensitive, but does not want anyone else to know that. Because of this fitting in, for him, has taken on an even greater importance. He truly cares and internalizes every negative comment brought to his attention. He does not like to show emotion in front of anyone, and gets angry when he cries. (I am not sure where he got this from because I have always let my kids know that crying is a normal, natural, and healthy thing. I know that my husband feels this way too.) Because of his sensitivity and the importance of being accepted by his peers I find myself worrying about him more than the other children on the topic of making good choices and being comfortable with who he is. He wants very much to be part of the cool crowd, and I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff where the decisions that I make with him with have long lasting far reaching implications. I try to explain to him that he needs to be himself, but I realize that the seduction of being "cool" is very tantalizing especially to youngsters. Heck - if I really look at it I find that there are still adults who are trying to be part of the cool crowd, and we graduated from high school MANY moons ago! I thought all of that nonsense was supposed to be over eons ago.
Anyway, I digress (as usual). I don't think that it helps that our family is unique and conservative in how we parent. It doesn't help him that we are the ONLY family that I know of that does not allow video games in our home with a rating of 'M'. We monitor the computer and TV. In our home, we limit the amount of all electronic usage. In our home - the word 'shut up' is as bad as saying the "F" word. I find that 'shut up' is degrading and disrespectful. I have NEVER once said that word to my children nor to my husband, and I will not allow my children to say that word in our home without consequences. The words 'stupid' and 'idiot', etc...are not acceptable words either. When the kids get angry I advise them to let our their steam by either yelling out loud (one time) at the top of their lungs the words 'AAAAAHHHHHH!!!' or punching their pillows or mattress. (Hey, they have to get that anger out somehow. Rather it be on the pillow than on a sibling.)
So, for a kid trying to fit in - our family is not exactly going to make the mark by today's standards. BUT I also very much believe in the family values that I am trying to instill in our children, and I think that the rewards of what we are teaching them may not be seen clearly as children, but they will certainly see them as they become adults. I am trying to let my son know that his feelings are valid, and that it DOES hurt sometimes to be a kid. I let him know that being one of the "cool" kids does feel good - on the surface - but that a lot of times when a person becomes one of the "cool" kids in the crowd he/she will, a lot of the time, act in a way that she/he might not normally do so in order to fit in. I am trying to let him know that you never know who is watching, and that character and reputation are EXTREMELY important in life - BOTH have the ability to make or break you. I have also tried to let him know that the most rewarding friendships are not those in which you have to pretend to be somebody else, but rather the ones in which you can just be yourself.
I hope that I can make a difference, and that he is able to really hear what I am saying to him. I also think that I really need to make sure that I am living in the way I am asking him to live in. My actions will speak louder than my words - as the saying goes - I want to make sure that I am staying as true to who I am as possible. To truly model the behavior that I want him to try and live.
That son of mine is such a neat kid. He is so wonderful is SO many ways, and I love him so much. I hope he sees the beauty in himself, and is able to make his way in this world trusting who he is without basing that trust on the opinions of others. One of my greatest jobs as a mother is to help give my children a solid and strong foundation so that they can see the beauty in themselves. I want them to be okay with who they are as they are, and to not worry about being one of the "cool" kids. True "coolness" comes when a person is uniquely himself.
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