A Little MIA

I have been absent for more time than I would like to be lately on this blog. There are so many things that I would like to share. So many thoughts that I would love to just put down on "paper", but I don't have much time right now. My world seems to be presenting so many opportunities - both the ones that I have been hoping for and some that have come rather unexpectedly. Some of these things are welcome and some are not. Some of them are good and some of them not so much. Either way, they are all things that will need to be addressed.

Bob is coming home a day earlier than expected (YEAH!!!) and will be home sometime tonight. He will then be with us for 2 weeks - again - YEAH!!!! So, I am not sure how much blogging will be done during that time, but I will get you all caught up just as soon as I can.

If I don't get a chance to get on here before Tuesday I would like to wish all of you who celebrate the holiday - a very, very Merry Christmas.

Peeing My Pants with Excitement

I am so excited for Christmas that I think I am going to have just as hard of a time sleeping on Christmas Eve as my kids will. I am excited that we all still believe in the magic of Christmas. I am excited that we can all still hear the bell ringing, and can feel the spirit of Christmas in our hearts.

I feel rejuvenated this Christmas season. I feel like I did when I was a kid. I am giddy, and so excited I could just about pee my pants. I am so grateful that I have had Santa discussions with each of my boys. I am grateful that they know that believing in Santa Claus is not something that everyone buys into, and that there are MANY out there who CHOOSE not to believe. I am most grateful that they know this, and believe all the same. I am grateful that they made a decision in their hearts to keep on believing in the magic of Santa Claus despite what the "facts" and "evidence" would have us believe. Watching them work through these decisions has strengthened my existing beliefs that Santa indeed does exist. That once you stop believing in him, whether you are young or old, he stops coming. That you can CHOOSE to believe in him for your whole life.To know that sometimes the best things in life are those that we cannot explain or make sense of, or see. We must believe with our hearts.

Image Source Page: http://walking.about.com/od/holiday/ss/christmastrees_2.htm

I have this feeling that Santa is going to be amazing this year, and gift my kids with many of the things on their wish list (which were all small) and then some. I am going to be so excited as they open each gift wondering what the contents of each box holds. To see the excitement on their faces as they see that Santa did come through once again.

                                                                         Image Source Page: http://www.busybeecandles.co.uk/shop/sleigh-bells/

I know that Christmas is not supposed to be all about gifts. I get that. My kids get that. But it is still super fun to be able to have what your heart desires (from a kids point of view) once a year.


More importantly, I am excited about this Christmas because we will ALL be together for 2 whole weeks. Family has taken on an even more important meaning to us than ever before because of our family's separation while Bob is away in Chicago. It will be so nice to be a complete unit once again, and to know that we are getting closer to the finishing point of this roller coaster life of ours.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. May the spirit of the season be with you always.

The Art of Housekeeping (or something like that).

I have said it before, and I know I will say it again (maybe many times) - I am not one of those women who knew she was destined to be a housewife., Who dreamed of nothing else but taking care of her children and home day in and out for years on end.

 I don't glow every morning and serve a four course breakfast to 4 cherubs sitting at the kitchen table with perfect manners. I don't love every minute of parenting. I don't make my clothes from scratch, or knit, or home school, or worship the Lord so perfectly that he just bestows a grace like no other on my heart to help me get all of the work done with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

 I do not have an awesome cleaning schedule down where every Monday I scrub the floors and wipe down the base boards all while baking bread from scratch. My children do not obediently wash the windows until they are streak free every Tuesday. I do not walk out back to the chicken coop on Wednesday to wring a chickens neck, boil it, and pluck its feathers to eat it for dinner that night. I do not sit by a fire on Thursday night knitting and sewing amazing things from the yarn of the sheep I keep in the side yard on my property. And on Friday, I do not do a weeks worth of laundry by hand on a wash board and hang them out to "dry" in the freezing December temps.

 Nope. That is definitely not me - not even a little itty bitty  bit. So often I WISH I was that woman. I see her regularly on the blogs that I follow. These Wonder Women are inspiring to me, and I so wish I had their skills and talents.Oh, I have definitely tried to be like them. I have tried writing down different cleaning schedules, and menus, and laundry schedules, and grocery shopping days. All of which have EPICALLY failed.



Image Source Page: http://stmtz.blogspot.com/2011/05/why-didnt-anyone-tell-me.html

I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to keep some sort of schedule since my kids have gone to school to try and maintain the kind of home that I think I should have. I want to be able to create a clean, spotless home. With the laundry always done. Meals always planned out. Healthy, locally, sustainably grown food always in the refrigerator.

It is no wonder that I almost always feel like I am going upriver without a paddle! I think I need to be more realistic with myself in a lot of different areas of my life. Last week when I hit rock bottom I started to REALLY look at a lot of things in my life. Some things I really liked, and others - not so much. But hitting rock bottom for me was a good thing because as the saying goes "It is always darkest before the dawn."  I still have the same feelings that I did in last weeks posts, BUT I am doing everything I can to change my PERSPECTIVE on some of those things, and it is making all of the difference in the world.

One of the biggest things that I need to start looking at is the fact that who I am inside, and the qualities I possess may be different from my current ideals.  I would love to have the Pottery Barn home that is so immaculate that you could eat off of the floor.  I admire the woman who can pull off that type of home environment. But I think I need to decide if it is REALLY worth the effort to try and have that type of home. Maybe, the stress I have been putting on myself to be this type of perfect housekeeper is just a load of crap. I mean, when I die will it REALLY matter if there was a cobweb that sat in the corner of my home for a bit?

Yes, I want the "stuff" in my home put away. Yes, I want my counters wiped down, and my floors swept and mopped. But do I really need to wipe down the base boards every week? Do I really need to take a Q-Tip in the hard to reach crevice's of my home to try and get the dirt out? Do I really need to pull the stove out from the wall every week to wipe down the wall behind it?

There are some women out there who are fabulous housekeepers who get their homes cleaned in minimal time and they look wonderful. It takes me DAYS to get my house this clean, and that is when it is already picked up to begin with.

Maybe I am just not cut out to have a perfectly spotless home. Maybe I need to learn to be okay with that.

Night Terrors

Sarah came home from school ill on Monday with a terrible headache. To be honest, I sent her to school with the headache (although it wasn't as bad in the morning when I sent her) - I know, I know, I shouldn't have sent her. She didn't have a fever, wasn't throwing up, in fact she had no other signs of being sick except for this headache, and I thought it would go away once she got to school.

Well, it didn't. In fact it got worse. She missed Tuesday and Wednesday because of this headache, and I could tell by looking at her and her behavior that she wasn't messing around. The headache seemed to come and go throughout the day. The intensity was/is anywhere from a dull ache to what I would describe as a migraine.

Every night since the headaches have started she has had what I would describe as a night terror or an extremely bad nightmare. The dream is the same, Sarah tells me. Each night when she goes to bed I can hear her crying in her sleep afraid of this dream. I have read it best to not wake a child in this state so each night I have let her complete her dream. She finally scares herself so badly that she will wake herself up and come into my room, snuggle with me, fall asleep, and the dream(s) will begin again. Most of the night she whimpers in this dream state, and I am constantly aware of what is going on in case she needs me (which means I am getting very little sleep).

Last night started out no differently. I put her to bed early b/c she needed to get her rest for school today.(She finally mentioned yesterday afternoon that she felt well enough to attend today. Sarah loves school, and I know she misses her teachers and classmates a lot.)  She fell asleep right away, around 8 pm, at 9:30ish I am lying in my bed, and I can hear her beginning one of those dreams except that this time she is beginning to yell, and then scream the most scared and terrified scream I have ever heard a child of mine yell. I run into her room, and find her sweating profusely, covering her head with both of her hands, curled up in a little ball underneath her covers. I instinctively wake her (WRONG thing to do) b/c she is so terrified and I want to let her know that it is alright. As she opens her eyes she lets out this blood curdling scream with a look of fear in her eyes - she thinks that I am the monster in her dream trying to get her. I quickly pull her into my arms and rock her back and forth telling her that everything will be okay while she sobs in her sleep. She then opens her eyes, and proceeds to ask my why I am in her dream. It is then that I realize that she is still dreaming.

She finally wakes up, but she is still sobbing. She tells me that her dream has scared her more than she has ever been scared in her whole life.She describes the dream to me, and it is indeed the same one that she had on both Monday and Tuesday nights.

By this time, the boys have come upstairs with their blankets in hand because they want to sleep on my floor. The commotion was so loud upstairs that it unnerved them as they lay in the downstairs bedrooms. I completely understood, and allowed them to sleep on my floor. They asked how Sarah was, and what exactly happened. After I assured them that she would be okay they settled into my room. Meanwhile, I carried Sarah into my bed (on the side next to the wall b/c she didn't want to sleep near the door) and snuggled with both her and Elizabeth (who was already in my bed sound asleep).

I listened for Sarah most of the night, and thought how scary a dream it must have been for her. She did have more dreams - I could hear her talking incoherently in her sleep - but none that seemed to be anywhere near her nightmare. I know that night terrors are common in kids, but I am still unnerved nonetheless.

I am hoping that when I wake her up for school in an hour that she will not remember the dream, but I am afraid that I am hoping in vain.

Super Woman

Do you ever wish that you could divide yourself up, so that you could perform different tasks at once? Right now, I very much feel that way. Two of my kiddos were home from school yesterday. One of them was sick with a pretty severe headache, and the other one was just plain burnt out. Because my kids do well in school and are not sick often when I can see that they are burning themselves out I will allow them a day off during the school year to recoup. They are good about not trying to take advantage of this which is a good thing because if they did I would eliminate the idea altogether.

So, this led me to having two kids under the weather yesterday on my living room couch. Both kids needed me equally, and since (surprise!) I am only 1 person I felt like I was constantly letting one of them down to be with the other. I don't like that feeling. On top of that there is still laundry, housework, grocery shopping, etc...that needs to be done. I could have really used 5 or 6 of me yesterday to get everything done I needed to. Needless to say I am a little behind on some of my housework (which I am trying to not let overwhelm me especially because I have out of state relatives arriving on Friday), but I know that it is not so bad that I cannot get back on my schedule with a little bit of elbow grease and sweat.

I know that I am not alone in trying to be everywhere and do everything at one time. I think I will try and take comfort in that over the next couple of days as I get my house back in order, groceries in my fridge, laundry done, and most importantly my children well.


On a side note - I am doing a little bit better after my freak out last week. I am definitely nowhere near good, but because I have been forced to take life one day at a time (by my fragile spirit), I am stepping back from total insanity to just the insanity that comes from being a mom.

Christmas Traditions

 When I was younger my Dad used to make cookies and give them to family and friends at Christmas time. He would be baking for days and the house would be filled with good smells, Christmas music, and my dad's voice singing the current song on the radio. I can tell when my Dad is happy b/c he sings. Any other time of year he is usually  belting out some Ian Anderson song - completely in tune, and sounding very much like Ian himself, but at Christmas time when the cookies are baking it is Christmas music that fills the air. The assortment of cookies always amazed me. He always made more than half a dozen different kinds of cookies, and each one was delicious. I looked forward to him making cookies every year.

And then something happened (I don't know what) and he stopped baking them. For a long time the kitchen stayed quiet. Each year would come and go as I would hope in vain that this year would be the year he started baking again only to have those hopes dashed.

So, this year I really decided to take matters into my own hands. I wanted my children to benefit from the tradition of my dad's wonderful Christmas cookies - not only the taste of them - but to be able to take in the whole scene. I wanted my children to see my dad in his element before they got too old. So, I asked my dad for a list of supplies, went out and got them, and set a date for the next generation of Gray's to begin baking.

In the end, only the girls wanted to go up and bake. Bob stayed at home with the boys while I took the girls up to my mom and dads where my sister also  met me with her children. I had a blast - although when my dad gets into his element he forgets that there are others in the kitchen that want to help too - we'll work on that - and I think that my girls had fun as well.

I am so thankful that we started this tradition once again. I am sure that my family in NY will be happy too once they get their hands on the Christmas deliciousness coming their way.

One of My Favorite Stories

I am not a very "religious" person, but I have always found comfort in the following poem/story. I feel that it is very appropriate for me right now...

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

(Taken from: http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php)

One Step at a Time

 
 
I am currently reading a book titled, Imperfect Spirituality, by Polly Campbell. It is the perfect book for me right now. Funny, how stuff seems to just drop out of the sky just when you need them. Here are some thoughts in this book that have really resonated with me:
 
 

The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy.

    -Jim Rohn

 

 

If you don't love yourself, you cannot love others.

You will not be able to love others.

If you have no compassion for yourself, then you

are not able of developing compassion for others.

                                                                   -The Dalai Lama

 

For those who believe, no proof is necessary.

For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.

  - Stuart Chase

 

Imperfection clings to a person, and if they wait till they are brushed off entirely, they would spin forever on their axis, advancing nowhere.

 -Thomas Carlyle

 
 
 
I know that there is a lesson to be learned right now, but I am too tired to try and search out that lesson. Instead, I will slowly take 1 day at a time and try to work through whatever life is trying to teach me making one small step forward each day.



 

A Little Lost

Right now I am feeling lost. I think it is pretty obvious to those who read my last post. The newness of being "alone" is gone, and now I am  left with the empty quiet of being by myself Monday - Friday while the kids are in school. Even when they are home I am finding myself easily overwhelmed and sad. My partner in crime is gone, for now, and his everyday presence is missed sorely. I had hoped I was hiding it from the gang, but I am afraid that I am not doing it so well.

Last night when I was sitting at the kitchen table trying to figure out how to get myself out of this slump Andy quietly called to me from his bed. "Mom are you stressed out? Because you seem like you have been stressed out today", he gently said to me. Those words stung like a slap in the face. I have been trying to hide my sadness from the kids because it is not their fault that I am sad. They too have their own sadness, and I am trying to help them through their own issues missing Bob - they shouldn't have to deal with my issues as well. But they do.

I have chosen to be connected to my kids, and in doing so they see and feel not only my joy, but my sadness too. Even when I try to hide it. So, I answered Andy in the only way that I could, and told him that yes, I am feeling stressed out, but also sad as well.  And in a way that only one of my children could, he asked me if there is anything that he could do to help me feel better. In that one moment, my heart melted and tears quietly streamed down my face. His genuine concern and care for me was just what I needed at that time.

We are a family. A tightly bound family. We  have a magic touch with each other that no one else in this world could ever have - a touch that can heal a broken heart - and for that I am utterly grateful.

For some reason while trying to maintain a connectedness to my kids I lacked the foresight to realize that our closeness has two sides. One side is able  to feel the joy and happiness that we each radiate, and the other to feel each others sadness. The ache I feel for Bob should not be something that my kids feel - I do not think it is healthy for me to be so sad for his absence that my kids should feel that - they have their own sadness that they have to deal with without adding my burdens on them. But I do think that it is healthy that they are aware that I am sad, and that it is okay for me to be sad - for this moment.

I was doing them a disservice by trying to hide my sadness because I was leading them to believe that some feelings need to be hidden. That is not a belief that I want my kids to buy into. So, I am going to try and start modeling different behavior and allow myself to be sad, and to own that feeling. I will not allow it to overcome me, and extend into their day, but I will acknowledge that it is a feeling that is with me right now.  Then, as with all things, time will help lift that sadness, and I will be able to move back into the light of happiness once again.

(Image courtesy of: http://freewallpaperspot.com/37-sunshine-wallpaper.html/sunshine-wallpaper-10)

Missing Him...

I miss Bob a lot lately. Certainly I missed him when he first left for Chicago, but this kind of missing him is different. I ache for him. When he first left for this temporary assignment I knew that it would be hard for the 5 of us to adjust to his absence...and I was right. Slowly, but surely, though we did regain our footing as a family of 5 while he was regaining his own footing as a family of 1.

He is working hard, that husband of mine, trying to learn as much as he can during his 7 months away from us. I know that he is away, so that he can try and provide an even better life for us than the one that we already have. I know that he is doing this for us, and that at the end of this journey we will be all the more grateful we took it on. In the meantime though, my heard and body will ache for him.

The kids feel his absence as well. Sarah had to create a drawing at school of her family, and without even thinking, she put the 5 of us on her drawing along with a story about who lived in our home. There was no mention of Bob anywhere. Tears pooled in my eyes as I was going through her school work the day I stumbled across this paper, and I felt that we had made the wrong decision. Did our desire for financial success cloud our judgement so much that we put our most important asset, our family, in jeopardy? Are we greedy for wanting to be able to provide more for our children? Should I just go back to work myself, so that we will never have to be apart again? My mind raced a thousand miles an hour trying to field these questions, and the finish line was no where to be seen.

Yes, he comes home every weekend, but it is not the same. We pick him up around 4 pm on Friday, and deposit him back at the airport between 6-7 pm on Sunday nights. The weekends fly by, and just as we get in sync as a family again he is gone. We have been on this road for almost 4 months, and have a little over 3 months to go, but I don't feel like I am over the hump. I feel like the worst of the ache is yet to come.

I feel like a lost ship in the night. I cannot see my beacon pointing me towards the shore. Lately, I have felt like my ship is taking on water, and I can no longer pump it out fast enough to stay afloat. I have many people around me who I can call for help, but it is not the same because they are not him.

He is our calm among the storm. He is our steadfast hand pointing the way in the right direction. He is our life. He is missed terribly by all.

A Day In The Life As Elizabeth's Mother

While tucking Elizabeth into bed Saturday night:


Elizabeth: "Mommy, I don't want to grow up."
Me: "Really?"
Elizabeth: "I don't want to get married either."
Me: "Well, you certainly don't have to get married if you don't want to."
Elizabeth: "And I don't want to have children's." (LOVE the 's' she put on the end of that word.)
Me: "Well, you don't have to have children either. That choice is completely yours."
Elizabeth: " I think I want to be an artist, or maybe a teacher when I grow up."
Me: "I think that either of those jobs would be perfect for you."
Elizabeth: "But I am worried that a really handsome man will ask me to marry him, and I will say 'yes' because he is handsome, and then we will be getting ready to get married, but I won't really want to marry him. I will only be marrying him because he is handsome."
Me: "Elizabeth - you don't have to marry anyone - not even if they are SUPER handsome - if YOU don't want to."
Elizabeth: "Ok. Good. I think I am going to live with you forever then..."

Me: Silent....

Sarah's 8th Birthday

Sarah turned 8 yesterday, and Bob and I spent the entire day hanging out with just her. Every year for each child's birthday, my lovely parents come down and watch the other 3 children, so that Bob and I can focus on the birthday boy or girl. In this case it was Sarah. This is what our day with her looked like:




Bob made Sarah this shirt to wear for the day.

 

Sarah woke up to a table filled with goodies.

 

We took her to Panera Bread, so that she could have her most favorite soup - Broccli Cheddar.


(Below): Getting ready to brave the mass crowds at the mall so that she could spend some of her birthday money.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At Build-a-Bear (a favorite destination for the past 4 years). 

 










 

Creating pottery at her favorite pottery shop.
We get to pick up her final product next weekend.

 

  

 

 

Sarah was sweet enough to give one half of her "Best Buds" necklace to her sister, Elizabeth.