A Little Lost

Right now I am feeling lost. I think it is pretty obvious to those who read my last post. The newness of being "alone" is gone, and now I am  left with the empty quiet of being by myself Monday - Friday while the kids are in school. Even when they are home I am finding myself easily overwhelmed and sad. My partner in crime is gone, for now, and his everyday presence is missed sorely. I had hoped I was hiding it from the gang, but I am afraid that I am not doing it so well.

Last night when I was sitting at the kitchen table trying to figure out how to get myself out of this slump Andy quietly called to me from his bed. "Mom are you stressed out? Because you seem like you have been stressed out today", he gently said to me. Those words stung like a slap in the face. I have been trying to hide my sadness from the kids because it is not their fault that I am sad. They too have their own sadness, and I am trying to help them through their own issues missing Bob - they shouldn't have to deal with my issues as well. But they do.

I have chosen to be connected to my kids, and in doing so they see and feel not only my joy, but my sadness too. Even when I try to hide it. So, I answered Andy in the only way that I could, and told him that yes, I am feeling stressed out, but also sad as well.  And in a way that only one of my children could, he asked me if there is anything that he could do to help me feel better. In that one moment, my heart melted and tears quietly streamed down my face. His genuine concern and care for me was just what I needed at that time.

We are a family. A tightly bound family. We  have a magic touch with each other that no one else in this world could ever have - a touch that can heal a broken heart - and for that I am utterly grateful.

For some reason while trying to maintain a connectedness to my kids I lacked the foresight to realize that our closeness has two sides. One side is able  to feel the joy and happiness that we each radiate, and the other to feel each others sadness. The ache I feel for Bob should not be something that my kids feel - I do not think it is healthy for me to be so sad for his absence that my kids should feel that - they have their own sadness that they have to deal with without adding my burdens on them. But I do think that it is healthy that they are aware that I am sad, and that it is okay for me to be sad - for this moment.

I was doing them a disservice by trying to hide my sadness because I was leading them to believe that some feelings need to be hidden. That is not a belief that I want my kids to buy into. So, I am going to try and start modeling different behavior and allow myself to be sad, and to own that feeling. I will not allow it to overcome me, and extend into their day, but I will acknowledge that it is a feeling that is with me right now.  Then, as with all things, time will help lift that sadness, and I will be able to move back into the light of happiness once again.

(Image courtesy of: http://freewallpaperspot.com/37-sunshine-wallpaper.html/sunshine-wallpaper-10)