With Gratitude

This quote found its way to me via Facebook, and was sent by a family member who knows me pretty well. It speaks directly to my heart, and gives me hope.

A.L. - Thank you for your support. I know that you may or may not agree with the decisions I am making or might make for my family in the future, but it means the world to me that you know me well enough to know that what ever decisions I do make have been well thought out and researched and most importantly made with love. Thank you for supporting this 'independent thinker'. It means a lot to me.

One Mad Mama!

Let's see....today Andy was taken off of his I.E.P. at school (which Bob and I were NOT supportive of, but signed off on after being given the impression it was a battle we would lose), and a second bomb threat (in the past two months) closed the high school again. That alone makes me want to pull all of my kids out of school never mind all of the other reasons that I have for doing so.

Andy's I.E.P. (which I believe stands for individualized education plan) was for language arts. I feel very strongly that he should still be on one, but the school feels very strongly that he should not be on one. And of course in this case, the school won.  Andy struggles with spelling. As in he cannot spell very basic words such as: what, could, should, because, etc...I feel that this is a huge issue. I know that there are people who cannot spell very well, but to not be able to spell the most basic of words tells me that there is problem. The schools response was that there are just some bad spellers in this world, and that as far as they are concerned I should be happy that Andy is off of his I.E.P. because so many kids never come off of one. Now, let me be the first to say that I am very proud of all of the work that Andy has done to get himself caught up. I credit his success almost entirely to his 4th & 5th grade Intervention teacher who happened to retire last year. She is a wonderful woman who took Andy to places I did not think that he could reach in a traditional academic setting. The school also was kind enough to let me know that beginning in 7th grade most of Andy's papers would be written using Microsoft Word, so he could just use the spell check to fix any spelling errors. Does anyone else see a problem with this answer? AAAHHHH!!!! Let's not go back and correct the root of the issue - let's just gloss it over and rely on technology even more, so that it appears that my son knows how to spell, but in fact he does not. The teachers that spoke at his conference all had glowing things to say about him, his behavior, and his effort, and all I could hear was that because my kid is well behaved and tries hard he is going to be pushed along the school factory line toward graduation without ever "fixing" SLL of his learning disabilities- instead the school will just pick and choose which ones are worth fixing. And, how by the way, is one learning disabled one year (thus needing an I.E.P. to begin with), and then magically not the next? In my opinion, as a lowly mother, either he was never disabled to begin with or he still is, but not enough to actually matter anymore because he can now perform adequately on all of the state tests. I just want to puke. Bob, on the other hand, was more calm about the whole thing (surprise, surprise). I was ready to punch him in the face too by the end of the meeting (sorry, honey). He is not happy about Andy being taken off of his I.E.P., but thinks that now is a good time to do so rather than later because if he fails in school next year we can just get him on a new I.E.P. in 8th grade rather than waiting until high school to see if he takes a downward spiral. Oh, and I forgot to mention earlier in this post that I was also told that if every child who couldn't spell very well was given an I.E.P. then the whole school would be on one. HELLO???!!!! If you have a whole school of kids who cannot spell then MAYBE THERE IS A PROBLEM HERE!!!!

Now, let me just say that I know that Andy's team of teachers are doing the best that they can. The problem here is larger than themselves, and they are doing everything that they can with the resources that they have to provide Andy with a "quality" education. I know that there are a limited number of I.E.P.'s that are going to be given out for one reason or another, and honestly, there probably are a number of students who need it a lot more than Andy. BUT - and this is a big BUT, to say that my kid is bad in some academic areas, but not bad enough to necessitate anything beyond normal interventions, makes my blood boil. My kid is not an experiment or a guinea pig. My kid is a human being who deserves the absolute best that this life has to offer ESPECIALLY when he tries so hard to be successful in an academic setting. His current situation is just not cutting it. I was ready to yank him out of there the instant I walked out of that meeting. I could still spit nails I am so fired up about it.

As for the high school being closed because of a bomb threat - yeah - that is a new bonus of being a student in this school district that was added within the past two months or so. Lovely isn't it? Normally, I am not one to get spooked by such things, but this second time spooked me. I hope that the authorities catch whomever is sending these threats. In the meantime that is just another reason in my pocket to bring my kids home where they belong.

For those of you who are curious, I have been reading 'The Well Trained Mind' by Susan Wise Bauer and Jessie Wise. This is the style of home schooling I am looking to do (minus the Latin part). I am in the process of searching out texts and reviewing them, and then looking at making a mock daily schedule to see if I am able to fit in all of their subjects and still be able to do the normal chores that I need to do. There is a lot of material in this book, but for those of you who take the time to read it (A.L. I know you will be on the Internet scouring for information) there is a LOT in here that makes sense.

I have talked to the boys about home schooling them (I cannot remember if I mentioned that in one of my last posts). They are old enough that they should have a say in whether or not they come home. I was curious to find that Josh is more eager to be home schooled than I anticipated. He came home from school today, and said how bored he was, and how all he could think about what what he would be doing if he was home schooled and what kind of things he would be learning.

I know that I can do this. It hurts me to know that I have to PROVE to most people that I CAN do this, but I know I can. There are some things in this life that I know with such certainty that I cannot explain to anyone why or how I know - I just do. Bringing my kids home and adding to my family feel right in the deep depths of my being. I will do everything in my power to research the heck out of this home schooling possibility with or without support. With support would be much easier, but I tend to live my life on the outside of normal this has caused me to build up a thicker skin than some as someone always has something negative to say about how I choose to live my life. Either way, one of the benefits I have found of aging is that I am very slowly starting not to care as much what other's think. What is good for me and mine is good for me and mine whether or not you approve - and vice versa.

Whew! I feel much better now. Thanks for letting me vent.

The 'You Cannot and Should Not's'

I have been getting some feedback lately regarding some of my more recent posts. The feedback has been coming from those close to me (my family) regarding my decision to proceed with the tubal reversal surgery and to look into home schooling the kids. This is the feedback I have been getting:

'Your kids will not be socialized if you home school them.'
'You already have great kids - why would you want to expand?'
'You children are so old now - you can't add another one. It will be just like starting over again. You don't want to start over.'
'You shouldn't have any more children. What about your health?'
'You shouldn't even think about having more children and home schooling at the same time. You cannot do both. It would be too much for you.'
'You shouldn't think about home schooling again because you have tried it before, and it didn't work out. Why would this time be any different?'
'You can't home school the kids - it's not right/normal/acceptable (take your pick)'

Now, I understand that in writing a blog I am putting myself out there for feedback - both positive and negative, but this has just gotten to be too much. I would just LOVE for someone to say this instead:

"I do not believe in some of the choices you are making or are looking into, but I know that you are an intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and loving mother and wife. I know that you have done thorough research on both topics, and I trust you to make the best decisions for your family."

Do you have any idea how nice it would be to hear those types of words? I am not asking anyone to support my causes. I know that they may seem a little off center to some, but to me they make perfect sense. To me, they are the right things to do/look into.  I feel I owe it to my children to  look into ALL options for their schooling because they deserve the BEST education I can find/give. I also believe in family first - ALWAYS - the bigger the family the better.

It is so HARD - to have to spend mental energy combating society at large that to have to spend more energy fighting off the negative feedback from close friends and family is a load I feel I sometimes cannot carry. So, instead of having to wear armour when I am out and about in my community, I guess I will have to wear it at home now too - at least for now while the dissenters are so vocal. I will not back down from these beliefs. I know in my gut they are the right things for not only me, but for my immediate family too. It would just sure be nice to have some support, but for now that just doesn't exist. I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, eh?

Bringing Them Home

I know that I have some people who might read my blog sweating over the fact that I mentioned the words home schooling in my last post. I know that it can be a very scary couple of words to some people, a lot of people really, but it doesn't have to be. For those of you who know me personally, I will share with you as much as I can about some of the things that I am looking into so that you  can take the time to look things up if you should choose. I think that home schooling is scary to some because it is not the "normal" path that most people take, and because, let's face it, we have all had experiences in which we have come across "home schooled" kids. You know the ones I am talking about. But it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, more and more people are choosing to home school, and it is not just for reasons of faith. You can find a number of articles on line that show that home schooling is on the rise - here are just a couple:

http://homeschooling.about.com/od/gettingstarted/a/homeschoolrise.htm
http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2009/01/homeschooling-sees-dramatic-rise-in-popularity

There are a lot of reasons that I am considering home schooling. I am not happy with public school education, and feel that home schooling will provide my children with the kind of childhood and learning experiences that are more in line with my values and beliefs, hopes and dreams for giving them the best life they can possibly have.

I have tried to home school the boys before - for two years - when they were in K and 2nd grade. I was working full time third shift, and needless to say it was not the most successful two year period in their educational lives. So I can definitely say that I know what NOT to do, but I feel that I am in a much better place to be able to pull it off this time. I am still uncertain if I am going to be able to home school the kids - I want to be successful at it, and I will need to figure out how I can successfully do that with 4 children in 4 different grades with 4 different needs. I have decided to take this last 9 week quarter while the kids are still in school, and research the heck out of home schooling to see if it is something I can pull off.

There are many different methods to home schooling. Some people choose unschooling, or Charlotte Mason, or Classical, or Unit Studies, or Eclectic, etc...I am leaning towards Classical or Eclectic. I like the idea of a Classical education very much, but I don't know if I would be getting in way over my head if I attempted that approach. We'll see I suppose. I have been toying with the idea of doing a test run with the kids shortly after they get out of school, and doing it all summer. This way if it is successful then I will be that much farther ahead. If it ends up being too overwhelming then no harm no foul. The kids will just go right back to their current schools, and they will pick up right where they left off.

As for spousal support - Bob agrees that there is something lacking in the kids current education, but he is unsure if home schooling is the best option. I think that the idea scares the poop out of him because he feels like I/we would be gambling with the kids future. At least if they went to public school he knows that they would be just as well off as the next guy (even if that guy isn't so well off at all). I think that he would rather they come out average than to risk having them come out awesome if the flip side of awesome is terrible. I get where he is coming from, and I think that those are honest thoughts and feelings. Failing these kids scares the shit out of me too, but I think that the fear of failure will motivate me to NOT fail. I also feel (not normally be a gambling type of girl) that this is one risk that I am so certain will be successful I would take it to Vegas with me.

Whatever we end up deciding to do I know that we will make the best decision in the interest of our children. Family first. Always.

Bits & Pieces

Our computer was down for the count for a week, and we just got it back yesterday from the repair shop which explains most of my prolonged absence. There has been a lot going on around here. Bob and I have enjoyed spending our mornings together as he is working second shift for the time being. He gets up shortly after I do each morning to help get the kids ready for school and have some time with them before he drives them to school. After that we have about 5 hours together ALONE 5 days a week, and it has been GLORIOUS!!! We call ourselves "the retired couple" because all that we have been doing is hanging out. We each have a to do list that is a mile long, but all we have been doing is eating lunch at Chipotle, taking hikes with and without the dog, hanging out in the backyard, window shopping together, and basically just spending our mornings/early afternoons as we please. It has been awesome to say the least. Bob and I are the type of couple that really like to be together, and the more we are together the better our relationship is. The only downside is that we have gotten very few things checked off of our to do list, but that will come with time. For now I am enjoying my husband and he me.

In other news: We bought 10 gallons of paint to paint the interior of our home. Bob is going to paint each room while I spring clean it. This way we get to be together while each of us gets a much needed job done. We plan on doing this on rainy days - which in Ohio shouldn't take us too long to get completed. We plan on spending the rest of our sunny days outside weeding, mulching, planting, adding new sand to the sand box, etc...I also rearranged the entire house. The boys no longer have their own rooms, and are now sharing which frees up a downstairs bedroom for a multipurpose room. I have books, games, crafts, the computer, etc...in this room, and it has been nice for everyone to have this extra space.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about bringing the children home from public school next year. I have been reading up on the 'Classical Method' of home schooling. Certainly a lot to take on, I know, and I am not certain that I am going to attempt to do this. I am just doing some research to see if I can provide a better education at home than my children are currently getting at their public school. I will write another blog about my thoughts/issues/concerns another day. I have limited time today, and could spend much more time than I have writing about this particular topic.

As for the baby thing - this too I will have to write another blog about, but I just wanted to update everyone to say that it is a 'go'. I have the funds for the procedure, and had my last consultation with my doctor this past Monday. I should be hearing from the scheduling liaison tomorrow to schedule my surgery. More on that to come....

Spring Cleaning?

As I was browsing through my blogs today looking for inspiration and new ideas I saw an amazing blog that dealt with being a housewife. (I know that for some that term conjures up negative thoughts, but I love that phrase, and I am proud to refer to myself as one. The word housewife is kind of a throw back - an old school term if you will - and I believe in a lot of old school idea and concepts - so the word to me carries an air of distinction and honor). Anyway, the author of the blog was talking about spring cleaning. She had a list of items that she was going to be completing and on what days and in what order. I loved it. I sucked every word of it up like they were the last few drops of water in the desert. And then I looked around my house, and laughed. After I got done laughing I got inspired.

Since Bob has come home my house has become a den of chaos. It would sporadically become one here and there while he was gone, but I would quickly get back on track, and life would be good again. My house has looked like a tornado breezed through more than once in the last 2 weeks (which coinsides with Bob's return home), and only through our "family cleans" (a.k.a. power cleans that everyone must contribute to) does it resemble a house of pseudo order. My kitchen floors have not been washed in two weeks nor has my bathroom. The couch needs to be washed, so do the living room floors and the hallway. I could go on and on with all of the things that need to be done, but it would take me more time than I have to type everything out. Honestly, it is just RIDICULOUS here.

Image taken from Bing.com

The problem (which really isn't a problem at all) is that I love hanging out with my hubby, and I think he really likes hanging out with me. So instead of doing the cleaning that I should be while the kids are in school I am instead finding myself hiking and lounging around in the back yard (if you could call it that) with Bob. At some point I have got to get it together because I DESPISE living in an unorganized dirty house. It makes me feel yucky inside, but on top of wanting to hang out with the hubby the shear volume of stuff I have to do overwhelms me. It is so true that it is better to keep up than catch up. I wish I would have heeded my own advice, and just kept up. BLAH!

Because tomorrow is Bob's birthday we will celebrate it in style and make it the best day that we can, but for the rest of today I will be making lists, and getting my butt ready to super clean, spring clean, and bring some organization back into this house starting Monday. So, thank you awesome blogger for inspiring me to get my act back together, and taking control of this house once more.

Being a Safe Haven and a Protector

I was sitting at one of my children's soccer practices yesterday listening to the following conversation between a mother, her 12ish year old son whom we'll call 'John' and his 2ish year old sister 'Sue'.

"John, go play with Sue."

"John, don't kick that ball so hard at Sue!"

"JOHN! You kicked the ball too hard at Sue!"

"John, LEAVE Sue alone!"

 

John goes off to play by himself. 5 minutes later -

 

"John, I told you to play with Sue!"

"John, don't be too rough with Sue!"

"John, don't take the ball away from Sue!"

And on and on and on - are you annoyed yet? Because I certainly was... and I felt terrible for John. He was doing nothing wrong in my eyes - he was kind to his sister - wasn't be a jerk - was doing just what his mother had asked of him. Could you imagine being talked to that way, every day all day by your mother? No kindness exists in this woman's voice when she speaks to her son, and it is wearing on John. You can tell by the way that he carries himself. He walks almost hunched over, head down in a defeated way. 

Now, the whole time that this scene was playing out I was trying to calm myself down. Because I really wanted to scream at this woman, and say, "What the hell is your problem? YOU go play with Sue, and leave John alone!!!". I know that I only see a small snippet of this woman's life. I know that. I know that I do not walk in her shoes, and I cannot possibly know what her life is like that has allowed her to think that it is okay to speak to another person this way, let alone her own child. But after sitting at these practices twice a week for the past 2.5 weeks, and hearing this SAME conversation every practice I know that this tone and these conversations are a way of life for John, and it makes me so very sad for him. How sad is it that the ONE person in his life who is supposed to protect him the most - the ONE person who is supposed to be the safest person in the world for him - is the one person who is damaging him so much?

It then got me to thinking about the way that I talk to my children. What damage am doing to them and to their fragile self esteem? Do I talk to them that way? If so, why? I would be appalled if I spoke to my children that way on a regular basis - I would be appalled if I spoke to them EVER in that tone, but I know myself well enough to know that I am sure that I have at one time or another. And as I reflect upon that I want to run into my children's class rooms and hug them so tightly, and apologize to them for speaking to them that way. To tell them how very wrong I was.

So, maybe instead of screaming at this mother. I should be thanking her. Thanking her for pointing out to me how damaging a mother can be to her children with the tone of voice she uses and the manner in which she speaks to her children. Thanking her for bringing about an awareness in my interactions with my children.

I am my children's protector. I am firm believer that I am their safety net. I did not have that a lot when I grew up, and although I know that my mother did the absolute best that she could, I often felt that I needed to protect my heart  and fragile self esteem from her.  I never want that for my children. I don't ever want them to think of me as someone that they have to shut themselves off or down from.
I don't ever want to hurt them so badly that they will remember a look or a harsh tone forever sealed into their hearts. I don't ever want them to think that I am not someone who will protect them. No child deserves to feel that he/she has to face this world alone - no person should - but I am especially adamant that no child should, and it makes me so sad to see that John so very clearly does.

Blah!!!

Getting into a new routine has been a little bit more difficult than I thought. My household chores are piling up to the point where it is getting overwhelming. When I get overwhelmed like this my natural reaction is to turn and run in the opposite direction. Not a good reaction to have when life does not stop with 4 busy children and a husband to tend to.

I have been finding myself spending more time on the computer than I would like to. Because spring sports have begun again and coached rely on email so much I find that I am checking my email twice a day to make sure that I have not missed something. This leads me to "just take a peak" and see what else I can find on the Internet which in turn wastes much more time than I have or is necessary trolling the Internet. This makes me feel icky inside because I feel like the Internet is an addiction for me sometimes.

I cannot wait for the school year to be over. There are so many things I am growing weary of: making lunches, getting tired kids out of bed every morning, dealing with some teachers, dealing with the politics of school, etc...the thought of home schooling the kids again is pulling at me. I am tired of the way that we educate our children in the country. Tired of my kids being the guinea pigs of a system that does not work. (But I will save all of this for a different post because I could go on and on about education right now.)

I am just feeling blah. Blessed, but blah. I need to fix that because I blah Mommy means a blah Daddy, and blah kids....

Wish me luck getting things back in order!

I am Blessed

I have a great husband. I have the kind of husband that lets me pursue my dreams, and supports them, even when they are not his dreams or hopes. I have a husband who works super hard so that I can enjoy the privilege of staying home with my children. I have a husband who allows me to bounce zany ideas off of him - try out those ideas - get discouraged by those ideas - throw those ideas out the window only to come back to those same ideas again.

I lead a very privileged life. I have four AMAZING children. I have the balls to think outside of the box, and to apply some of those thoughts to my life - even when others do not support them. I am an independent thinker and try to come to my own conclusions about things without someone or some company trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I feel blessed that I am able to not always follow the grain even when that would be easier.

I am so blessed, and I take it for granted every single day. I would like to stop doing that.  It has been a rough few months for so many reasons, but through it all instead of complaining I should have been thanking God for all that He has given to me. I may lack in material things, but I certainly do not lack in matters of the heart. That is what is important in this life.

There are times - especially lately - when I have thought to myself that if I just went out and got a part time job then we could take amazing vacations and not be so frugal. We could move into a much bigger home, and not have to think twice about it. Some days that route seems like the only solution, and just when I am ready to update my resume my husband will pull me back into my Truth. The small house won't matter in 20 years. What will matter is that I will have been home with my children when they got home from school. That I was able to BE with them every day, and that they had a hug and a smile to come home to. That they had a mom who could run their lunch up to them if they forgot it. A mom who didn't have to worry about taking time off from work to stay home with a sick child because I CHOSE to be here every day. Again, to me, that is what is important in this life.

The way I parent my children will affect the way they parent their children, and so on and so forth. I am blessed that I know this, and that I try very hard (and often fail, but that doesn't stop me from trying again) to be the best mother to each of my children.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Tidbits

So often throughout my day I will think of things that I want to write to you about. Topics that I want to discuss with you, but when I sit down to type a blog all of the words seem to come out wrong, and the delete button becomes my best friend.

Tonight, like so many other nights, is one of those times. I have a million things I want to discuss and share and pick your brain about, but the story just doesn't seem right. It doesn't feel right either.

So, I will let you know that I think about writing to you all of the time. I am sorry that I am not better about filling up these pages with regularity because I certainly know that I have the content to do so.

Maybe I should buy a journal and jot down my idea's so that when I sit down to write something out things seem more streamlined and focused. I don't know.

Just know that I am here. Even when the days go by and there is nothing new said. I am still here. Thanks for waiting for me. I appreciate it so very much.

New Routines

Life is getting better. We are on the upswing now that the Hubby is home. We are all trying to get into a new routine, but even as we are adjusting life is better than it was before. I feel renewed after a positive conversation with Hubby's employer. I feel that things will work out for us, and that we are right for sticking with this company even though we have been so discouraged as of late. It is refreshing to know that our gut instincts were right about certain decisions we have made. Sometimes when I am going through a hardship I wonder if my gut really knows what it is talking about. Sometimes I let my head convince me that my gut feelings are wrong - especially through a prolonged hardship - such as the one our family just completed.

Husband is working second shift now, and I am finding it easier to adjust to than I thought I would. Probably because now I get to see him every day instead of 2 days a week. The kiddos really like having him home every day too. He drives them all to school, and helps get them ready in the morning. It has been nice having the extra help during that chaotic time. 

Although he has been back for only 1 week we have been in constant discussion about our lives and where we want to go and things we would like to accomplish. The topics have ranged from updates that we would like to make to our home (carpet and paint are a definite - it is just a matter of when), to what kind of car we will be purchasing for Hubby in the near future (my sister and brother-in-law have been kind enough to loan us an extra vehicle they had), to that loaded question that some of you just LOVE when I talk about: the baby thing. 

To add to the excitement I have started to explore alternative options for the kids schooling again due to a very big increase in my dissatisfaction not only with the existing school district, but with the way that we, as a country, educate our children. We are not sure if we are going to keep the kids where they are at, or move to a different school district, or seek even more alternative schooling than that. I am just in the beginning stages of doing some research and plan on using this last quarter that the kids are in school to make some wise and educated decisions based on what is best for my family. 

In the mean time spring is here, and life is looking up.