Being a Safe Haven and a Protector

I was sitting at one of my children's soccer practices yesterday listening to the following conversation between a mother, her 12ish year old son whom we'll call 'John' and his 2ish year old sister 'Sue'.

"John, go play with Sue."

"John, don't kick that ball so hard at Sue!"

"JOHN! You kicked the ball too hard at Sue!"

"John, LEAVE Sue alone!"

 

John goes off to play by himself. 5 minutes later -

 

"John, I told you to play with Sue!"

"John, don't be too rough with Sue!"

"John, don't take the ball away from Sue!"

And on and on and on - are you annoyed yet? Because I certainly was... and I felt terrible for John. He was doing nothing wrong in my eyes - he was kind to his sister - wasn't be a jerk - was doing just what his mother had asked of him. Could you imagine being talked to that way, every day all day by your mother? No kindness exists in this woman's voice when she speaks to her son, and it is wearing on John. You can tell by the way that he carries himself. He walks almost hunched over, head down in a defeated way. 

Now, the whole time that this scene was playing out I was trying to calm myself down. Because I really wanted to scream at this woman, and say, "What the hell is your problem? YOU go play with Sue, and leave John alone!!!". I know that I only see a small snippet of this woman's life. I know that. I know that I do not walk in her shoes, and I cannot possibly know what her life is like that has allowed her to think that it is okay to speak to another person this way, let alone her own child. But after sitting at these practices twice a week for the past 2.5 weeks, and hearing this SAME conversation every practice I know that this tone and these conversations are a way of life for John, and it makes me so very sad for him. How sad is it that the ONE person in his life who is supposed to protect him the most - the ONE person who is supposed to be the safest person in the world for him - is the one person who is damaging him so much?

It then got me to thinking about the way that I talk to my children. What damage am doing to them and to their fragile self esteem? Do I talk to them that way? If so, why? I would be appalled if I spoke to my children that way on a regular basis - I would be appalled if I spoke to them EVER in that tone, but I know myself well enough to know that I am sure that I have at one time or another. And as I reflect upon that I want to run into my children's class rooms and hug them so tightly, and apologize to them for speaking to them that way. To tell them how very wrong I was.

So, maybe instead of screaming at this mother. I should be thanking her. Thanking her for pointing out to me how damaging a mother can be to her children with the tone of voice she uses and the manner in which she speaks to her children. Thanking her for bringing about an awareness in my interactions with my children.

I am my children's protector. I am firm believer that I am their safety net. I did not have that a lot when I grew up, and although I know that my mother did the absolute best that she could, I often felt that I needed to protect my heart  and fragile self esteem from her.  I never want that for my children. I don't ever want them to think of me as someone that they have to shut themselves off or down from.
I don't ever want to hurt them so badly that they will remember a look or a harsh tone forever sealed into their hearts. I don't ever want them to think that I am not someone who will protect them. No child deserves to feel that he/she has to face this world alone - no person should - but I am especially adamant that no child should, and it makes me so sad to see that John so very clearly does.