Having An Elizabeth

I have an Elizabeth. Which means that I have a child who is completely and utterly unlike her siblings. A child who is strong willed and does things that none of the other kids have done EVER. Who continues to exasperate me at every turn and never ceases to amaze me by the things that she considers in her brain to be good ideas.

Having an Elizabeth means that more often than not I am ready to throw in the towel and declare myself an unfit parent. I often find myself thinking that if I was truly a fit parent I would not have to be dealing with the issues that having an Elizabeth brings.

Having an Elizabeth means that every year around her birthday I find myself saying, "Next year she will outgrow some of her really bad traits. Next year". Except that next year comes and she hasn't outgrown anything. She has just gotten older, and what she could once get away with in the company of strangers because she was little she can no longer get away with. People now look at her and wonder why on God's green earth she said or did such a thing - heck, I look at her and often wonder the same thing!

Out of all of my children, Elizabeth is the one who gets yelled at the most. Elizabeth is the one who I find myself gritting my teeth and being mortified at what I just said to her in my moment of anger. Oh, Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth....That child can take the wind out of my sails quicker than anyone else I know.

Truth be told, I have no idea how to parent Elizabeth. Not one clue. She is 7 years old now, and I have no idea what I am doing with her. Like ever.  I just don't get her, and as her parent I need to. It is my duty to her to know her and understand her and cultivate her and help her grow. Except that sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I just want to run in the opposite direction as her. The energy that she requires is more than the sum of energy that I need to raise her other three siblings combined.

She is too smart for her own good. She is hyper and I have no idea how to harness that energy. She gets bored easily and then tries to entertain herself and ends up in a whole heap of trouble because her idea of entertaining herself gives me gray hair and inevitably causes me to scream. Oh, and I chose to home school her. WHAT WAS I THINKING???!!!!!

Just typing this post tires me out because of how much energy she consumes in my mind. I need to find a better way to parent her. I just have no idea how or where to start. No idea, but I need to find a way to make parenting her easier. It shouldn't be this difficult....

Simplifying My Web of Thoughts

I find often, but more so lately, that my mind is a complex web of thoughts constantly zig zagging from one thread to another. Never resting, never really sitting and being with just one thought, but rather zooming around to make sure that each thought is quickly heard only to pass right by it onto the next. That is a tiring life for not only myself but for those around me as well. I have noticed in the last several months that I will be having a conversation with my kids or with Bob, and minutes later I will forget that we even had a conversation! It was getting so bad that I seriously thought I was beginning to lose my mind. I started to panic that maybe I had an extremely early case of dementia, and I was really, really frightened. I didn't dare mention anything to Bob about it until yesterday because I was so embarrassed about the situation, but the more I chastised myself the more I seemed to forget things. It wasn't just conversations either. It was going to get something, and then getting to where said item is located at and not remembering why I was there. It was forgetting simple things like where I placed my cell phone or the car keys that I just had moments earlier. Finally, I mentioned something to Bob about it, and his response made me feel much better. He told me that I have too much on my mind and on my plate. A million things on the do-to-list, but not enough focus or time to do them. Instead of paring down my to do list I just keep adding things which makes me mentally exhausted, and unable to focus on any of the tasks at hand. 

My new goal now is to simplify my 'to do' list. I am sending out my 'thank you' cards today to Sarah's Team Hope contributors. This has been weighing on my heart so heavily, trying to get them all done, and to make sure that I got everyone.  I know that once this is off of my chest I will feel so much better. There are some other things racing through my mind and on my list that I just need to stop the thought as it speeds by, complete the item, and then address the next issue that is rattling around in my brain. Overwhelmed. I think that is a good word. I am overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed and bogged down with unnecessary stuff.  

All of these thoughts are keeping me (because I am allowing them to) from being present in my life and with my family. That is not good, and defeats so many of the purposes and values I am trying to create in our family. I need to quit it. 

So, the next area of my life that I need to simplify is my thoughts. This  will take some hard work and dedication, but I am certain that I can accomplish this goal.I have no idea where to begin, but I am certain that I can find my way. I always have before. Let's just hope there aren't too many bumps in this road...





"People say "I want peace."  If you remove I (ego), and your want (desire), you are left with peace."
-  Satya Sai Baba

"Voluntary simplicity means going fewer places in one day rather than more, seeing less so I can see more, doing less so I can do more, acquiring less so I can have more."
-  John Kabat-Zinn 

"You can't force simplicity; but you can invite it in by finding as much richness as possible in the few things at hand.  Simplicity doesn't mean meagerness but rather a certain kind of richness, the fullness that appears when we stop stuffing the world with things."
-   Thomas Moore, The Re-Enchantment of Everyday Life

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." 
-  Leonardo da Vinci  

(All quotes from: Here.)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T (or lack thereof)

I am going to be on a rant today, just to give you, my dear reader, a heads up.

Disrespect from children is something that I cannot tolerate. I am not fond of it coming from adults either, but children being disrespectful I find to be an even graver offence. In return, I do strongly believe that children deserve respect. They mimic what they see and receive, so when I am out and about living my life and I come across disrespect coming from a child - blatant, sassy, fresh mouthed disrespect it infuriates me. But I also become not only infuriated with the child, but with their parents as well. Because what this shows me is that either a child is disrespected at home or is overindulged at home and does not have any boundaries, and the parent is responsible for correcting both of these situations. I know that you may tell me that every situation is different, and everyone has their own story, blah, blah, blah...to me, disrespect is disrespect is disrespect, and I cannot tolerate it my own children, and I cannot tolerate it in other people's children. 

I guess you might be wondering what prompted this outburst, so I will offer you a little bit of background. We are a soccer family. All of my kids play. Andy, after being bounced around to several different coaches, and then taking some time off, and then coming back to soccer for a season has finally found the perfect coach for him. His coach is a good man with a wonderful family. Good family values, close family, good coach. The kind of coach I wish all children had because he teaches with kindness, but is stern when needed. I am grateful that Andy has him as a coach. He is really flourishing under his direction. I am so very grateful that his coach took over the middle school coaching position this year, and also Ohio changed its laws so that home schooled kids can play sports for their local school district. 

I have noticed on Andy's team over the course of the season that some of the kids on the team are disrespectful - not only to the coach as times, but to their fellow players, and to referees during games. At first it was just a comment here and there to a fellow player, or not listening to coach when he was giving instructions, or arguing with a referee about a call, but at yesterday's game it was full blown ugly. By the time the boys boarded the bus to head back to our town (it was an away game) I wanted to take two of the boys by the ear, yank them into a corner, and have some words with them. I also wanted to take their parents who frequently come to the games, and ask them why they allow this blatant back talk, arrogance, and sass from their sons? If I ever, and I mean ever, heard any of my kids talk back to a referee when a call is made, or be disrespectful to their coaches during a game or to their fellow players, at any time, I would yank their butts from the field and we would be having a conversation - if you know what I mean. I am dead serious. Respect is paramount to me. 

Yelling at each other, not working as a team, hogging the ball because you feel that you are better than everyone else on the team, and then losing the ball just about every time you have it because you refuse to pass it, telling other players to 'shut up'  (in our house that word is on par with the 'f' word. I find that phrase so disrespectful), deciding that because you are losing the game you are no longer going to put any effort into the game, and then telling the coach afterwards that you didn't try because you were losing (and this is coming from one of the better skilled players on the team), arguing with a referee about a call you do not agree with = DISRESPECT!!!!!!! Disrespect like that is an infection that oozes into the entire team. A sense of entitlement and being better than everyone else is like an open sore that just keeps getting worse. (And all of these things happened at yesterday's game).

I am still incensed and this game happened 15 hours ago! These boys, who are being so disrespectful, I blame them, but I so very much blame their parents. The sight of their parents disgusts me right now. Because of their lack of correction their child is this way. I am sorry, I know that sounds harsh, and I do not know what goes on behind closed doors in their homes, but it is very obvious that respect has not been modeled in their lives because if it was they would not be so rude and (here it is again) disrespectful. 

Now, I know that I sound like a tyrant. Really, I am not. Do you know why my children are respectful? Because I respect them. I treat them as human beings, not as brainless bodies that must do what I say when I say it.  I talk with them and explain things to them, and honor them in the way that I ask them to honor me. I apologize to them when I am wrong, and I explain to them why I should not have done/behaved/said certain things. I speak to them the way that I want to be spoken to. I try very hard not to yell at them when I am mad (I fail more often with Elizabeth than I care to admit), and I treat them the way that I would like to be treated. You know, this actually works! I have polite, well behaved children. (Yes, they sometimes act out. They are human after all, but over all they are well behaved people). The best compliment that I can receive as a parent is not how good looking my kids are, or how smart, or brave, or whatever. The compliment that I take the most pride in is how polite and respectful my kids are. 

My kids don't have to like a call the referee makes during a game, and they don't have to like something their coach is doing, or they may get frustrated with their fellow players, but there is a time and a place for handling all of those situations in a respectful manner. 

Do my kids mess up and make mistakes? Absolutely. Do I? Absolutely. The problems that I am talking about (well, actually ranting about) are not those of an isolated incident. They are those that happen time and time again, that you can see are a personality flaw - one that can and should be corrected. Because you know what is going to happen? These boys are going to keep on their paths of disrespect - and they will be come disrespectful adults who will raise disrespectful children, and the cycle will go on and on. That is a true shame. 

Simple Food - A Success Story

Ha! I did it. I really did it. I made a meal that everyone in my family loved, and gobbled up. (If you cannot tell by my enthusiasm this does not happen very often in this house.) I spent a lot of time in the kitchen yesterday, but it was so worth it. (Not to be completely dramatic, but I tried to imagine what pioneer woman had to go through to put food on the table. I was so grateful when I got to use my food processor for part of my meal, and could not imagine how difficult it was for them to feed their family without it taking up their entire day.)

I ended up spending about 3 hours of my day in the kitchen yesterday which I know seems like a lot of time, and it is! It certainly felt like a lot of time, but it also felt like a victory when my kids were praising me as to how good their meal was. All of them. Seriously, I did not think that was even possible. Plus I knew what what in each and everything I prepared, and it was a cleaner meal than I would have prepared before.

Here is what some of our meal looked liked (I forgot to take pics of the vegan lasagna, but it was delicious. Sarah had 2 helpings and loved it):

Recipe for French Bread:

1.) Combine:

1/2 cup of warm water (not too hot that it burns you finger when you stick it under the faucet, but warm enough that it will activate the yeast).
1 packed of yeast (not the fast rise kind)

*Let yeast sit in the warm water for about 5 minutes*

2.) In another bowl combine 1 Tbsp of sugar (I used vegan sure in mine), 1 1/2 tsp of sugar, and 1 cup of warm water. Mix ingredients until sugar and salt are dissolved.
3.) Add 1 Tbsp of vegetable shortening to the sugar water mixture.
4.) Add yeast to sugar water mixture and stir
5.) Slowly add 4 cups of flour into the bowl. I used organic, unbleached which flour. Mix everything together.
5.) One the dough solid enough to take out of the bowl I dump it out on a clean counter top - bits and all - and knead it until all of the bits and pieces have adhered to the main ball of dough. (I add extra flour into the dough mixture as needed - you don't want it to be too sticky, but you don't want it to be too dry either. I learned what is "just right" by trial and error. You will too.) Knead dough for about 5-10 minutes.
6.) Add about 2 Tbsp of olive oil (I use extra virgin) to the bottom of the bowl (that should be empty because your dough is on your counter top), and place your kneaded dough into the bowl. Roll the dough around so that all of it has a light coating of olive oil on it.
7.) Cover your dough with a dish towel or plastic wrap.Let your dough sit until it has doubled in size (about an hour)
8.) Take dough out of bowl and reknead it. Place it back in the bowl until it has doubled in size again.
9.) Roll dough out (I used my hands) into two loafs of bread (see below)
10) Let rise for 20 -30 minutes.
11.) Bake at 400 degrees for 20-25 minutes.

Dough just prior to olive oil coating. 

After first rise.

Dough after being kneaded a second time.

Dough after second rise. (Note: I took my girls to the park while this bread was rising for the second time, and more than an hour went by, so don't be surprised if you bread doesn't rise this much.)

Dough after 3rd rise.

Final product. Warm and delicious.

Sliced up with butter melting on it for the kids.

Cooking on the stove top prior to blending.
(2 cans of whole organic tomatoes, 12 sprigs of parsley, 2 sprigs of fresh basil, 1 white onion cut up, 3 large cloves of garlic, 1 Cup of water, 2 Tbsp of extra virgin olive oil, salt and pepper to taste)

Final product

Final Product: Cheese Lasagna
(Organic whole wheat no bake lasagna noodles, homemade sauce, Parmesan cheese, mozzarella cheese, rocotta cheese, organic egg, salt and pepper to taste) 

Half eaten Salad (the kids got to it before I could take a picture) that the kids eventually finished off last night.
(Organic Roman lettuce, left over iceberg lettuce from taco night, Organic Carrots, Organic Cucumber, Organic Radishes, Tomato, Organic Red Onion)

Homemade Oil & Vinegar Dressing  and Brianna's Dressing

Organic (frozen) Cauliflower

Simple Food

With Sarah's neurologist breathing down our neck about putting her on MS drugs, and my utter resistance I decided to really crack down on what we eat. I have done this before, but then wavered back into the Standard American Diet. Since some people have been able to manage their MS with their diet I really vowed to examine what we were eating in order to give Sarah a fighting chance to stay healthy. Taking a look at our food consumption in this house also went along with the theme of my life lately which is simplify, simplify, simplify.

I hate food shopping. Laundry and food shopping are the two household chores  that I just dread doing. I will put off doing both until I absolutely have to do them - which really if I just did them with some regularity both chores would just become a routine part of my life, and maybe I wouldn't hate them so much. Either way, right now, I hate food shopping.

I also don't like that the nearest Trader Joe's and Whole Food's stores are about 30 minutes away. I know that for some of you that type of trip is "just down the road", but for a spoiled girl like myself with grocery stores 5-7 minutes away in just about every direction that is pretty far away. BUT, I really like both of these stores, and if I am really trying to simplify and clean out our diet these are the types of stores I need to shop at (until I find something closer that I like). (On a side note - I also really hate driving up there because I find that the shoppers there are so snotty and rude. I don't know if it is because the area in which both of these stores are located in is a very affluent town, and by default rich people shop there or what. There is no politeness or smiling among the shoppers - people there act like the selections they are making are going to go out of stock if they don't rush their carts in front of you and cut you off. Seriously, if you think I am making this stuff up - try going to the store up in Woodmere/Beachwood area. You will soon find out what I mean. I do love the employees at both of these stores though. They are friendly, helpful, and wonderful. Maybe they are like that with me though because I  am polite to them and smile. I am not sure they get much thoughtfulness from their clientele very often.)

Anyway, I digress...so I made out a menu, and went shopping. My goal is to simplify our diet which means, for me, to eat as many whole foods as possible and also to make from scratch as much as possible. Although, to a purist my menu may not be as clean as he/she would prefer it works just fine for us right now, and is in fact a huge improvement. I would much rather make stuff from scratch, and  use unbleached white flour, than by a store bought snack that may have whole wheat flour, but also has a whole lot of other stuff in it as well. Homemade items using only whole wheat flour will not fly in my house right now. Maybe that is something we can incorporate over time, but I am not willing to go there yet. The taste of whole wheat only snacks is a lot different than those of the S.A.D. (standard american diet) that it will take some getting used to.

 Here is a look at our menu for the week:

***Anything with an asterisk by it means that I am making it from scratch. Any item that uses bread (french toast) will be used with home made bread.*****

Breakfast Choices:
Muffins*
Pancakes*
Waffles*
French Toast*
Eggs/Bagels
Cereal - (for 1 of the weekend days)



Lunch:
Soup* (Lentil)
Peanut Butter / Jelly
Turkey /Cheese
Sandwich Bread*

Dinner:
Taco's (black beans, basmati brown rice, lettuce, olives, tomato, chicken (organic, free range, blah, blah, blah), peppers/onions, cheese, taco shells* (taco shells are surprisingly simple to make.)

Spaghetti (whole wheat), French Bread*, Pasta Sauce*, Cauliflower, Salad

Meatloaf* (organic, 100% grass fed beef), Mashed Potatoes* (from actual potatoes, not from a box), Corn, Salad, French Bread*

Chili*, Soup* (Lentil), Salad, French Bread*

Pizza* (dough is pretty easy to make from scratch), Pizza Sauce*, Salad

Lasagna* - (spinach and tofu for me and Sarah, cheese for the rest of the gang), French Bread*, Salad, Broccoli

Snacks:
Pretzels* (these are fun to make with the kids because they can take the dough and make it into any shape that they wish.)
Froze Yogurt Pops* ( yogurt,  frozen raspberries, a touch of sugar)
Salsa* and Trader Joe's tostito style chips
Cut up veggies (carrots, radishes, cucumber, celery)
Fruit (apples, bananas, watermelon)
Rice Crispie Treats* (which, I know, are really terrible, but I couldn't resist.)
Chocolate Chip* and Snickerdoodle* cookies

Just about everything I bought was organic. I have wavered back and forth on the importance of buying organic and also the relevance. I feel that we, as consumers, are sometimes bamboozled by corporations now that organic has become so popular. I hesitated to spend the extra money on organics when there was a possibility is wasn't the kind of organic I was looking for. I especially worry about this for meat/dairy because I want to buy from growers that actually allow their animals the space and the right to live as animals not those that view their animals as a piece of property only that have no access to live in the world as they would naturally. There are a lot of companies that get by feeding their animals organic feed (of which cows cannot process properly) and appear to offer them access to the out of doors when really these animals are just as confined as traditional animals we consume yet these "farmers" are able to charge organic prices because of the feed they supply their animals and the fact that they do not use antibiotics or hormones.  This is not organic to me.

As you can see I am making most of this stuff myself - which to some may not seem simple at all, but to me really is. I know what ingredients are going into my children's mouths. They will still be able to enjoy the foods that they like - the items just won't be coming from a box anymore. I know at first, this will be time consuming, but I have been making my breakfast menu for some time now, and I have gotten much more efficient at it even though I am making everything (except for the cereal) from scratch. I expect this to be the same for my lunch and dinner menus as well. I do struggle with offering my family variety. I will most likely have to put some planning time into looking up different and new recipes that think everyone will enjoy (or at least most people). I like the idea of being old school, and making stuff from scratch is pretty old school in our modern society. I find it to be a comfortable way to live. A simple way, if you will.

So there you have it - simple home (packed away almost all non essentials), simple diet. Life keeps getting better and better....

Copy Cat Encouragement

One of the bloggers I follow regularly sometimes offers up words of encouragement for the upcoming week. This is what she placed on her blog today - I loved it so much I told her I was going to take it from her and put it on my blog. So, thank you, Sarah, (from this blog) for allowing me to use your words of encouragement:

Simple Living

When I started to clear out my home in order to give a potential buyer the feeling that they were not buying a sardine can to live in I noticed quickly how much stuff we had that we did not really need. Now that my home has been eliminated of most of the possessions that were once housed here I am realizing just how little I really need. This has caused me to really reevaluate the type and size of the home that I am looking for to be our next home. Instead of 2000+ square feet I am now looking at homes between 1300 -1500 square feet. I am afraid that if I buy a larger home that my family and I will just fill it once again with stuff. We don't need more stuff, and the empty home that we now live in (minus the necessities and some extras for staging) is proof that less really is more. I think that if I did not want to expand my family and this house had a dining room I would be completely content to just stay here. I don't need a 2 car garage or a multitude of bathrooms (although our 1 bathroom does have a waiting list sometimes) or a living room, family room, recreation roof, etc...I just need a home that will house my family and allow us to host a Thanksgiving or two. If I could, I would take all of the boxes that we have in storage right now, and throw them away. We don't need any of it. The toys, the extra clothes, the dust collector items that sit on our shelves and dressers, all of the shoes, the extra towels, just all of it. I can think of only a handful of items that I really am missing. Our books, crafts, and my Willow Tree figurines (okay, I know those are not a necessity, but I really love those things) are all that I really need back in my home.

Thinking about what I need in my home has led me to question what else I could live without? What else can I make more simple? Our diet? How many cars we own? Our activity schedule? There is so much in my life that I make more complicated than it really needs to be. There is also so much money I spend on unnecessary items. Instead of spending money on those things I thought I needed I could instead funnel that money into making memories with my kids. Taking them places and seeing new things. Enjoying each others company without the complications of material possessions.  I would have never thought that I could live without the stuff that I had in my home before I moved it into storage, but clearly not only can I live without it, but we are thriving without it. I wonder what else that exists in my life, that if I just pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and tried to eliminate it, would I see that my life is better off without it?

Wikipedia characterizes simple living as being or having only those things that need to survive not want. I think I need to take stock of what I have both emotionally, spiritually, physically, materially and evaluate it as a need or a want. Then I need to pack some stuff up, and get rid of it.

Making Deals with the Devil - Part II

 Sarah went with Bob to see her neurologist at the Cleveland Clinic last week for what will become a regular twice a year appointment for her now (barring any flareups which would prompt extra visits). Her eye sight is getting better and better, and although still not perfect in her left eye, it is much better than it was even just a couple of weeks ago. She was so excited by this progress that it almost made me cry when she came home to report the good news. To see joy in her face - pure joy - is really gift to our family as the sadness of this disease has weighed heavily on her heart since her diagnosis.

Her neurologist  disagreed with her ophthalmologist's recommendation that we not have her play soccer, and told Bob that Sarah needed to be able to have the freedom to be a child. Because, for her, playing soccer is a part of her childhood he recommended that she continue to play despite the risks involved. So, after talking with her coach, she is now playing soccer again, but she will most likely only be playing defense and goalie to limit her chances of having a mini relapse. From what I understand, if Sarah does not listen to her body, at any time she could have what I will call a mini relapse where her vision could go blurry.If she doesn't take a few days off to allow her body to recover on its own then she will end up back in the hospital. The good news about this is, that unlike her first three relapses where there was nothing we could have done to prevent them, her MS does appear to be moving into remission, so when she begins to have signs of losing her vision as long as she takes care of her body and gives it rest her eyes will be able to correct themselves over the course of a week or so. By playing goalie and defense we will be limiting Sarah's running which will limit her chances of overheating (which is really bad for people with MS) and also because the weather is cooling down even if she plays goalie for an entire half the sun's heat should not be an issue either.

My mom, who has MS also, gave me her copies of a couple of MS newsletters after she was finished reading them. On several of the pages were advertisements for various MS drugs. Each one claiming its own triumphs in what it could do to help ease certain symptoms that people affected with MS suffer from, and each one with its own list of side effects. The kids and I are always amazed when we see a drug commercial on TV because, while the drug in question may help cure you of your specific symptom, the list of side effects is so much more severe than the initial problem itself that we cannot figure out why anyone would take any of these drugs?! That problem, while we didn't understand it before, has become a real issue for us now.  This is why:

One of the things that Sarah's neurologist did recommend, again, was putting her on Avonex. I have an issue with Sarah taking any type of MS drug at this point. I would rather try the whole diet, vitamin D, fish oil supplement route to see if this helps prevent any new lesions from forming. This avenue has been very successful in some MS patients, and I would much rather try this for 6 months first than just injecting Sarah with drugs. Apparently, her doctor did a pretty good job convincing Bob and Sarah that taking Avonex was the best thing for her because when they came home from their visit at the Clinic Sarah was ready to start injecting herself once a week. What Sarah took away from the conversation between the doctor and Bob was the if she does not go on Avonex when she relapses her chances of recovering fully decrease with each relapse, and that eventually she will stop recovering. Since she is petrified of losing her vision she was ready to jump on board with this without giving it a second thought.

So, it was quite ironic that as I was thumbing through the pages of the MS newsletter that my mom had given me (the evening of Sarah's appointment) there was an advertisement for Avonex. This is what I saw and read:

So, basically, I will be giving my daughter a drug, that I am not sure if it will really work, that is not known to be safe or effective in children, that may cause a litany of other problems - most extremely serious. This is what I face, and my husband faces, as the parent of a child with a serious, incurable, disease. Do we, eventually, allow this drug into our daughter's body knowing that it very well could damage her in other ways, just to prevent (maybe) the onslaught of symptoms that may come from this disease? Or, do we say 'no' to drugs like this in order to save her mind, heart, and liver, but have MS ravage her body by taking away her sight, among other things? Will Sarah grow up to resent us for the decisions that we are making for her now? Will she wished that we had chosen differently? Those are the questions that tear at my heart, keep me awake at night, and bring me face to face with the devil trying to make any deal that I can to save my sweet Sarah. I would do just about anything to save her and to not have her hurt in any way, now or in the future.

I was sitting in my parents from yard yesterday watching Sarah play with her 1 year old cousin play. She looked just like an angel, and I know that there are glimpses of heaven right here on earth because I seem in my children, but in Sarah especially. Her beautiful brown wavy hair was flowing down her back, her blue eyes twinkling at the private joke the two girls were sharing, her smile shining from ear to ear, and in that moment all I could think about was the fact that inside her body was disease that was quietly and silently damaging parts of her brain. A disease that, while sitting dormant inside her body right now, will wreak havoc on her life from time to time in no known pattern and without any warning. A disease that sits in her soul and worries her night and day, and I just wanted to scream out loud. I could feel my heart breaking inside of me. I hate Multiple Sclerosis. I hate it with a passion that is unlike anything I have ever felt, and I will make any deal with the devil that I have to with my own soul in order to save Sarah, and to not have her bare the burden of having to choose between living with MS as it presents itself in her life or living symptom free, but with the side effects of drugs like Avonex.

Figuring It All Out

This school week was tough to say the least. As I try to juggle allowing the kids to learn outside of textbooks my desire to have them learn using textbooks still has a huge pull on me. I like textbooks because then I can be sure that my kids are learning, but I am beginning to see where my desire to push and push them is backfiring - especially with Andy.

I am beginning to wonder how Andy did as well as he did in school because he is a partial hot mess at home. There are so many big things that he does not have a knowledge base for: multiplication tables, cursive writing, spelling of any sort. All of these things (okay, maybe minus the cursive writing) are a really big deal. How can he possibly handle the upper level math that he is doing (if he had gone back to public school he was selected to take an upper level math class this school year) that I purchased for him to do if he doesn't even know his multiplication tables?! So, we will be taking a break from his textbook work for the next few school days and we will be making fact cards to help him learn his multiplication tables. I find myself frequently exasperated by the things that he does not know, and I need to harness that feeling in a little bit because it is not fair to him. I don't know if maybe he is just trying to bamboozle me on some of these things so that he doesn't have to work as hard, or if he really does have these inadequacies (which I am beginning to think that the issue is more the latter than the former), but either way it is extremely frustrating. All I know is that I am growing increasingly disenchanted with our education system. I can see in my own children how inadequate and broken our system is, and it frightens me. I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that I am glad that I stepped away from it even if it ends up only being for a year.

One of the fun things about school is that the three younger kids asked to stay up later than normal last night to finish up today's work so that they could have the day off. So, Josh was up until 10 pm, and the girls were up until 9:30 finishing up their subject work for today. That kind of flexibility is amazingly awesome, and one of the advantages of homeschooling.  Andy is the only one who has work to do, but he worked pretty late into the night himself to get to a point where he only had a few things to do today. Everyone has worked super hard this week - the weekend could not have come at a better time.

Bob asked me the other night if I regretted bringing the kids home. I think he could see how hard and how long I was working with the kids each day, and was wondering if it was weighing too heavily on me. I didn't even have to think about that answer - the words just tumbled out of me - no, I do not regret bringing them home. Not for one second. Even though homeschooling them is very hard and time consuming at times it is the best decision that we have made as a family. Bringing them home works for us. It is one of those things that is right as rain. I am thankful that I live in a country that allows me the right to bring my children home to educate them.

As I figure out next week's schedule I will take the things that worked from this week and the things that did not work this week and make some changes to our goals. We will eventually get into the right rhythm of that I am certain.

On a different note - we have out first showing on Saturday, and I am super excited. I hope that the people who come through this house love it as much as we have. I hope that they see the potential in it to make many happy memories. If this house ends up not being for them that is okay too. It is just nice to have someone want to see it.

I Am Learning Too

We took the morning off from traditional schooling, and spent it exploring the river that makes its way through Hampton Hills Metro Park. We brought the dog with us and let the morning unfold with fits of laughter, exploration, and family time. It was exactly what the kids needed, but more importantly it was just what I needed.

As I mentioned yesterday, I am really struggling with the pressure that I impose upon myself to get through enough textbook information each day to make it seem to the outside world that my kids really are learning something that they are "supposed" to be learning.To make it seem as if my kids are not too far removed from mainstream kids.That those families and mine have children doing textbook work with the only difference being that mine are at home whereas most likely theirs are in a traditional classroom setting. There is value in doing that textbook work (I know some of you would wholeheartedly disagree), but there is also value in exploring the world around us. To be out in the world each day that I will be asking my kids to live in as adults. To expose them to as much of the natural world that I can - without worrying about textbook information that - let's face it - we don't ever really use as adults.

So, I am thinking that while the weather is beautiful outside we will be spending more time outdoors exploring all that we can, and slow down the pace I have set for the kids book learning. I have been pushing them so hard in order to have something to show the outside world in case we are asked what we did all day. What I am really doing is just trying to prevent judgement from the outside world. People are going to judge me regardless of the decisions that I make. Why stress my whole family out  just to try and please those people outside my home whose opinions should have no weight in my life anyway?

Lesson learned. We are going to slow things down around here a bit. The beauty of homeschooling is that we can take life at our pace, and that learning comes in so many different forms and ways. If I am creative and bold enough to do something as zany as homeschooling my children to begin with surely I can think of creative and bold ways to educate my children that are outside the realm of "normal".

Time to redo some lesson plans...


By the way - have I mentioned how very much I love having my kids home with me? I cannot imagine life any other way anymore. I love the people that they are becoming, and I am so happy that I get to watch their childhood unfold right before my eyes. I am truly blessed.

“The home is the first and most effective place to learn the lessons of life: truth, honor, virtue, self control, the value of education, honest work, and the purpose and privilege of life. Nothing can take the place of home in rearing and teaching children, and no other success can compensate for failure in the home.” - David O. McKay

Changing...

“An eternal question about children is, how should we educate them? Politicians and educators consider more school days in a year, more science and math, the use of computers and other technology in the classroom, more exams and tests, more certification for teachers, and less money for art. All of these responses come from the place where we want to make the child into the best adult possible, not in the ancient Greek sense of virtuous and wise, but in the sense of one who is an efficient part of the machinery of society. But on all these counts, soul is neglected.” 

― Thomas Moore

I can feel myself changing...ideas that I thought were so tried and true seem to be testing me as if they want me to realize that they may not be the right ones for me. As I juggle through this world of homeschooling I wonder if my days are supposed to be filled with nagging the kids to get this subject done or that subject done, or if there isn't something more to this idea of educating my children at home?

Taking advantage of sunny days outside and the abundance of trails and parks around the area in which I live...shouldn't that account for some of what we do at home? Instead our days have been filled with getting this workbook page done, and that workbook page done. There is value in that, yes, but am I placing too much value on that? I think perhaps I am. 

So fearful I am that someone will ask my children what they did that day, and have their response be, "explored the outdoors, made cookies with my mom, created a lego town, made up a new board game", that I pound through each subject just as my weekly plan dictates all the while knowing how ridiculous I am being for holding my family - my kids - accountable to someone else's standards...

Why did I choose to bring them home? What were my motives? To give them the best education possible? Yes. To allow them the freedoms to explore the world around them? Yes. To allow them the opportunity to seek out experiences that will help give them the best foundation possible in the lives that they will each build up around themselves? Yes. 

I need to relax, and take a deep breath, and to not be afraid to let them play their made up board game even if it means we don't get to a subject or two that day. We can very easily get to it the next day. The success of their childhood will not be set in stone in 1 day, but rather the culmination of days that form years and years. Being a pencil pusher will only make them hate homeschooling, and learning in general. That is not what I want. That is not why I set out on this journey. I need to take a deep breath, and realize that it is okay to let them play and explore their world. They can learn without books, and it is okay for me to let them do so sometimes.  

“We can get too easily bogged down in the academic part of homeschooling, a relatively minor part of the whole, which is to raise competent, caring, literate, happy people.” 

― Diane Flynn Keith

“What is most important and valuable about the home as a base for children's growth into the world is not that it is a better school than the schools, but that it isn't a school at all.” 
― John Holt

It's Been A While...

I got sick last week, and when Mama gets sick all hell breaks loose. I haven't been sick in a really long time, and I had always contributed that to my vegan lifestyle change last September. But for the last several months my vegan died turned to into a vegetarian diet which means that I was adding a lot of unhealthy junk back into my diet. At first it was a cookie here and a cookie there, and then it was something made with butter here or a little bit of milk there, until I was compromising a promise I made to myself to not consume animal products just about every day. My body was feeling terrible and I was putting back on weight. It was the perfect storm for getting a cold, and last Thursday I could feel it taking hold. I was down for the count for a good 4 days, and even now, I feel much better I am still not 100% back to normal. I am, though, back to my vegan diet, and I can tell I am already losing some weight again. My body and soul feel better when I am choosing to eliminate animal products from my diet, and I will continue focus on not consuming those types of products.

On another note the realtor came over today, and we entered into a 6 month contract to place our house on the market. The listing will be online on Tuesday of next week, and a sign will be placed in our yard on the same day. If the house doesn't sell within 6 months I am taking it off the market and we are just going to make do.I feel terrible for Bob because he has worked so hard the last 6 weeks painting and repairing and replacing items in the house, and although the house should sell very quickly at the price point we are listing it at it is still less than he was hoping to be able to list it at. The new carpet (installed yesterday) looks so nice as does the new roof we put on. We have a minimal amount of furniture in the house which is awesome. I cannot believe that I feel that I needed all of that junk that I had stuffed into this house before. There are a few things that I miss that are packed away, but for the most part I am loving our minimalist lifestyle. I think I would like to incorporate it into our lives permanently. It is pretty freeing knowing that all of the stuff that we spend money on that we think that we need or our kids needs really just isn't true. We could spending that money creating memories by doing things together rather than spending it on material items that just collect dust. For example, instead of spending the amount of money that we do on Christmas gifts which, honestly, the majority of go unused after just a month or two we could be spending a week on a cruise as a family or flying to the east coast to go to Cape Cod. I would rather focus on making memories rather than using that money to buy something that really means nothing.

School is going well. I would like to have more fun with the kids because right now it is just work, work, work. Don't get me wrong, work is good and important, and necessary, but I brought them home to have fun too, and to celebrate being a family. So, we will start to take some trips here and there - things like the zoo, museums, parks - and use the freedoms that homeschooling buys to enjoy so much more than just the rote part of education. I am so glad that I brought them home this school year. I don't know how long they will want me to home school them for, but I can tell you that I have loved having them all home with me. I feel closer to each one of them, and I cherish the time that we have together each day even if some days get quite hectic. Bringing them home is a blessing, and I don't take that lightly.

I love my family dearly. I cherish them more now than I ever have with everything that has transpired with Sarah since May 18th. I want to protect my little pod of people, and build memories with them, and love on them, and get to know them better as unique individuals. With that in mind, I think that I am going to ease up on the baby thing. If I got pregnant I would be ecstatic, but I don't think that I am going to live my life in two cycles any more. I would love to add to our pod, but I also feel that if what we are now is all that we are meant to be as a family then that would be okay too. I feel very strongly that if I am meant to be a mother again, then it will be so, but if I am not - for whatever reason - then I still end up as the luckiest woman in the whole wide world because I have the best kids and husband a woman could ask for. If I had to do it over again, I would have chosen some things differently so that having more children wasn't such a hurdle, but if I had chosen any minute detail of my life differently, then I wouldn't be where I am today. And I am exactly where I am meant to be at this moment in my life.

The Scoop on Sarah

So after seeing her (favorite) ophthalmologist this afternoon here is the latest scoop on Sarah:

1.) It has been found that people suffering from Optic Neuritis seem to have flare ups when doing rigorous exercise. (A soccer team with few subs in the summer heat qualifies as rigorous exercise.)
2.) If we would have continued having Sarah go to practices (she has not been to the last 2) she most likely would have needed some sort of steroid intervention to get her flare up to subside. Because we were able to catch her flare up right away and keep her cool, stress free, with lots of sleep the last week or so her body was able to take care of the flare up on its own.
3.) Soccer may not be a sport that she can play for the time being.(Which makes me sad and her sad.) She can have a flare up at any time and because of the nature of soccer (constant running) and the nature of Ohio weather (hot one minute, cold the next, and then hot again) it may not be in her best interest to allow her to continue to play.
4.) Her vision in her right eye is getting better.
5.) Her left eye, as Dr. L told Bob today, is still presenting her with challenges.
6.) Her peripheral vision is poor, but her field of vision is getting better. (Meaning she can see more things in front of her, but not really side to side.)

She goes back in 6 weeks to see Dr. L, and she will be going back to the Cleveland Clinic to see her neurologist in 2 weeks.

This was a great visit. She came home - usually she ends up getting admitted when we go see Dr. L. We, as a family, were able to manage her symptoms - I am certain that had we taken her to the hospital last week (when things were really bad and scary) she would have been admitted because of the condition she was in. It gives me hope that there ARE things that we can do to help Sarah. It gives me hope that this disease is not going to constantly take over our lives. It gives me hope that we may be able to form some sort of normal for our family that does not always involve living in crisis mode. Hope.... I love that word.

There are some who believe that with God all things are possible. As for me, I believe that with HOPE all things are possible.

Just What the Doctor Ordered

As Bob and I were sitting out back having our daily cup of  coffee yesterday morning we decided to do something fun as a family. It seemed like it had been forever since we had done something that didn't include preparing for home schooling, getting the house ready to put on the market (which by the way it will be going up on September 12th), and worrying about Sarah. We were frustrated that our lives have seemed so out of control for so long (Bob finishing grad school,the stress of waiting to see if Bob's company was going to transfer us out of state, Bob's temporary job assignment for 7 months in Chicago, Sarah's diagnosis and three hospitalizations...). It has been a little over 3 years that all of this craziness began and we are so tired of feeling as if our lives are not our own.

So, we decided to quit the race for the day, and step back in time to be together as a family doing something relaxing. No painting, no preparing, and no worrying. We took the kids up to Edge Water Park in Cleveland. I have never been there before, but Bob took the kids once this summer. (I was always told that the beach there was very dirty which is why I never ventured up there, but it is actually pretty adequate. Definitely not a 5 star beach by any means, but it did the trick, and was just what we were looking for.)

My kids enjoying each others company.

It finally dawned on me as I was sitting with my toes just at the waters edge (I find that I have my best moments when I am in or near nature) that I have been a fool for allowing my worry over Sarah to consume my life lately.It is okay to worry for her and about her, but not in the way that I have been. My worry was sapping the moments with my family and myself that I have now.It was consuming me. Right now, Sarah is not in the hospital. Right now, Sarah's vision is adequate. Right now, we are all together as a family. Right now, Sarah is a child whose only troubles with MS are her vision problems and fatigue. She doesn't have memory loss, she doesn't have bladder issues, she doesn't have tingling sensations anymore, she hasn't lost the ability to use her legs, she doesn't have seizures. I need to stop worrying, and enjoy what I have right now. As usual, once that thought hit my brain, and I acknowledged it my whole mind/body were like, "Well of course that is as it should be!". And so, I had a great day with my family. We all had a great day. It was so much fun to see all 4 kids play together, and have fun, and laugh together. They ended up swimming in their clothes because our bathing suits are packed in a box and out of the house, but I brought extra clothes for them to change into when they were done. It was so great to play with them, and to see them play with one another. It was an afternoon that I will not forget for a long, long time.  It was just what the doctor would have ordered because when we all got home we felt relaxed and cohesive again.

I am very glad that we took the time to BE together. I am glad that we showed ourselves that life will only slow down for us if WE get off of life's fast track, and slow it down ourselves. We kept waiting for life to slow down first, and then we would have been able to relax. What we should have been doing these last 3 years is getting off of the fast lane ourselves. I am glad that we figured this lesson out now because it is one we will not forget.

One tough young lady.

Relaxing - Elizabeth style.

Me and Sarah.

Elizabeth and I burying her feet.

The kids trying to jump over the waves.

Wave jumping.

Andyman - he is becoming a young man more and more each day. 

My goofballs.

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They LOVED these waves.

Andy after conquering a wave.

Coming up with a plan to get the next wave.

My girl braving it alone.

Josh freezing his tushy off.

Getting It Back Together

I have gotten off track again...seems I have a habit of doing that a lot...sometimes I wish that I could just believe in what I believe in, and that live that belief, and be done. Not second guess myself and not allow outside critics inside my head. 

When things are running smoothly - when I am taking care of myself and living my life to the best of my ability - when I am living authentically - I feel wonderful. 

When I am not being truthful with myself, and I am not living according to my core beliefs then I feel awful. I have allowed that awful feeling to creep into my life over the last several months, and it has now taken over my well being. Time to regain control.


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“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.' 

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?' 

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 

― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

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To be nobody but myself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me somebody else-means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting. - e.e. cummings

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