Healthy Habits - Part Deaux

Okay, so I have had a couple of "come to Jesus" talks with myself, and have figured out a new game plan.
Before I go into what the new game plan entails - I thought I would share a little of what my "come to Jesus" self talks looked like. Maybe you can (or cannot) relate....

I am fat, and I have been fat for many, many years. In fact, according to the BMI charts I have looked at I am actually considered obese. Yep. You read that right. I knew I was fat, but obese? Yikes. That was a hard pill to swallow. (For the rest of this post though I am only going to use the word fat. The word 'obese' is a really scary word. You would think it would have been enough to get my butt to a gym, but alas that was not the affect of this news. In fact, I think I had the opposite reaction and ate more food.)

I would like to blame my fatness on my kids, but really I could go back to my college days when I took on the 'Freshman 15". Once I began gaining that weight I never looked back. And now here I sit. According to the weight charts I consulted I am between 49 -62 lbs over my ideal weight. That is a lot of freaking weight! I had no idea I needed to lose that much. I guess I have some really strong rose colored glasses.

At any rate, I have tried time and time again to lose weight. My most successful stint at this was about 2 years ago when Bob went away for 7 months on a work assignment. I was able to lose 30+ lbs this way by eating a vegan diet and exercising. As usual, instead of being committed to that lifestyle I began allowing old habits to creep back in because after all, it would only be one (or 4) pieces of cheese pizza this one (or many more) times. Or, it was the old excuse that I was too tired, burnt out, busy, etc...that I just couldn't exercise this one (or million) times, but I would surely get to it (or not) the next time. Before you know it, all of that hard work went out the window.

So, as I tried (or not really) this last time to begin my healthy habits again and began failing (again) I needed to get to the bottom of a couple of things in order to really make this weight loss journey matter. Maybe some of these things speak to you - maybe they don't, but here they are anyway:

1.) I have to want to lose weight for me, and only for me. Not for my husband or kids or anyone else. Although all of those people will benefit from my weight loss this journey has to solely be for me.

2.) I have to be sick enough of being fat that I am willing to do something about it. Losing weight is really hard work. Being fat is pretty easy. Just eat lots of unhealthy, but completely delicious foods and don't exercise and BOOM! Most likely you are fat.

3.) I have to learn what true moderation is. I didn't fat by eating in moderation. I got fat by eating carbs and more carbs and more carbs. It's not the carbs that are bad for me, but the amount of carbs I consume, and the kind of carbs I consume.

4.) I have to be really strict with what I eat until I have lost enough weight that the risk of eating too much of something isn't worth it. Does that make sense?  To get to a point where eating that food and knowing that I will gain weight by eating too much of it will keep me from actually doing so, and will help me eat a moderate portion. I know that this doesn't work for everyone, but this is how I have learned over the course of trying again and again that this is how I roll.

5.) I have to stop being afraid of failing at losing weight. You see, it is so much easier for me to be fat and to not try to lose weight and have the mentality that says, "Yeah, I could be skinny if I wanted to." because then I will never have actually failed at doing so. It is so scary for me to try really hard to lose weight and to make an honest go of it only to still be fat. What if I am going to be fat forever? What if I try and try and try and this is the best my body is ever going to be? That is a freaking scary thought to me. It is so scary that it has partially been the reason why I have ambushed myself time and time again.

6.) I have to stop my emotional eating. For real. Because it is ridiculous that I use food as a pick me up (even though in reality it is a complete downer when used in this way). I have to find something else to substitute for food when I need a release.

So, there you have it, folks. Today begins the first day of a healthier me. I am still going to follow all of the guidelines I initially set up for myself because I think that they are realistic and important. The only exception to this is that I am not going to weigh myself until the end of the third week. The reason I have chosen to do this is because I find myself becoming so obsessive with how much weight I lose on a week to week basis that I get easily taken off course, especially in the beginning, if I don't lose a specific number of lbs. I chose 3 weeks also because I heard a rumor that it take approximately 21 days to build a habit. I want to give myself those 21 days to build a good exercise regime and eating habits. I am hoping to lose between 6-8 lbs in those 3 weeks.

I am a closet lover of the TV show, Sister Wives, and one of the women has been trying to lose weight for some time. She has been successful at it, but still has a long way to go. Her trainer in last nights episode spoke to her about how losing weight is about the process as much as the weight loss. If you trust the process (and follow the process) the weight will surely fall off.

Here's to trusting my process. As usual, I will keep you posted.

Assateague - In Pictures

Our vacation in Assateague was amazing. We had a great time, and enjoyed ourselves immensely. The mosquitoes were the size of small children and the number of gnats surrounding the island seemed to equal the world population, but other than that life was pretty great. (Being by the ocean made me miss Cape Cod immensely though, and I realized that there truly is something amazingly special about the town of Wellfleet, Ma.)
We spent most of our days at the beach, and would head into Ocean City, MD each night to eat dinner. On our last night in town we spent the evening there. We walked the boardwalk and realized just how much that type of vacation is not for us. The bright neon signs, the crowds of people, the stores and people that were trying to lure us into spending our money on their wares - that is not how we roll. We quickly grew tired of the boardwalk after just a little bit, and headed back to the beach.

Here is what our trip looked like:

Apparently the horses are not the only animals that like to visit the campsites. This deer and his mate frequented our site and the neighboring sites most evenings we were there. 

This mama and her baby strolled into camp the second night we were in Assateague, and visited us every day thereafter. 

The kids had so much fun together. They played together peacefully the entire time we were in MD. 

Jumping waves.

Josh annoyed at having to look into the sun while Bob
snaps away. 

Sarah relaxed and carefree.

Planning out how to jump the next set of waves. 

Getting knocked down by a wave.

Showing her dad a shell she just found. 

Loving the beach life.

Sarah just got "owned" - as the kids would say - by a huge wave.

Wave surfing - Elizabeth style.

Miss Elizabeth after she got her first taste of salt water. 

Running away from a wave.

Another shell. Sarah spent much of her time looking
for shells. 

Andy - all smiles. 

Coming up after being taken down by a wave. 

Beautiful sand horse we discovered our first night on the beach. 

Creating a path so that the hermit crabs they caught could get some water. 

Our friend back again....

Sunrise on a cloudy morning.

My crew. 

Josh digging in the sand. 

One of the many dead horseshoe crabs that washed up on shore.
We finally found 2 alive horseshoe crabs in the bay.

Sarah practicing her cartwheels after she got tired of being in the
water. 

Our first and only sighting of a live clam. 

Me and the crew in front of the bay.

Bob and the crew in front of the bay.

Horses at the neighbors campsite. 

A mama and her newborn in our campsite. 

Checking out the goods on our picnic table. 

Horses around our campsite.

Josh being a smart alec and trying to pretend he was riding this horse. 

Ocean City, MD on our last night in MD. Taken from atop the ferris wheel. 

Assateague Bound

Packing up for our vacation. Will be leaving tomorrow morning before dawn. So looking forward to the trip.

Just got a letter in the mail today from our insurance company that thousands of dollars worth of medical treatments are not going to be covered because they were not deemed "medically necessary".  I am going to freaking scream. So, looks like when I get back from vacation I get to go to battle with our insurance company.

Feeling so angry right now I could just scream and cry.

Food Friday

Went over my food budget.

Ate unhealthy food & served unhealthy food.

Did not plan out a menu. 

I hate food.

Happenings Around These Parts

Summer is in full swing around here....and my kids are doing school work. They are super excited about that. (Note the sarcasm.) I decided that because they are all staying home again this upcoming year (more on that in a bit) that we might as well get a jump on things and begin the school year early. This way they won't forget what they have learned, and we also have the ability to go slow and steady year round. Needless to say I have some grumpy boys who want to do nothing more than to sleep in and play with friends from sun up to sun down. Being the bad mommy is no fun, but sometimes it is completely necessary in order to accomplish what is needed to be done.

Assateague is fast approaching. We are leaving on Tuesday of this coming week and all week long Bob has been planning and preparing for our trip. The whole family is completely excited. This trip was a favorite on their lists, and after having had to cancel our NYC trip due to Sarah being in the hospital, the time away from home is something that we are all looking forward to. The dog will be dropped off at my parents on Monday evening, and then we are heading down to MD at the crack of dawn on Tuesday. I cannot wait to sit on the beach with the kids for a few days and do nothing but just be together.

Josh and Andy are finishing up a soccer camp this week offered by the high school soccer coach. They are having a good time, and are looking forward to (hopefully) making the middle school soccer team this fall and playing together. They are having a good time with friends and I am finding that I am having to pull back on how much time they are spending with others outside our family. I completely understand their need to be with their friends, but it is important that they are not with others so much that they forget what it is like to be a family unit.

Elizabeth is still rocking and rolling. I forget that she is only 7, and sometimes allow her privileges that the other kids did not have for many years beyond 7. (Riding her bike with her siblings to friends houses is one example.)  I need to remember that she is a different kind of kid and that I need to hold a firm tight grip on her and not allow her as much freedom as I give her. It is so much easier for me to let her do some of the things that I do, but it is not always the right thing to do. Sometimes I just get so tired from parenting her though, that I give in and allow her to do things that she has no business doing. I am tightening the reigns again, and am trying to remember that a bit of parental headache now will pay off in the long run. I have problems with her that I did not have with the other kids because I was very consistent with them when they were younger. I was not consistent with Elizabeth, and she exploits that (which is my fault and not hers). Consistency is becoming a key theme again in our home especially for the youngest young lady. This is causing a bit of growing pains  in the Gregg household.


After much discussion both with the kids and between Bob and me it was decided that the kids are going to stay home for another school year. Josh made a decision to go back to school at the beginning of June, but then after some discussion with him we decided that another year home would be a better choice than going back to the public school. At this point both boys are planning on going back the year after this one coming up. I am okay with that decision, and will 100% honor that if that is what they decide to do. Josh had some concerns about being home that made him want to go back - we addressed those concerns with him (and they were valid) - and he decided that it was okay for him to stay home for the upcoming year. Andy and Elizabeth never had any intention of going back this year, so they were a no brainer when it came time to finding out what they wanted to do in the fall. Sarah on other hand was a little more tricky. I was willing to let her go back to school so that she could try and see if she could make it, but Bob was more reluctant. After discussing the whole situation with him I agree with his points (her frequent hospitalizations, infusion center visits, lack of vision, etc...) and we decided to keep her home for another year. I ordered everyone's school books already for the upcoming year (that is what we have been using this summer), and once Sarah saw her new text books she was ok with staying home. She said that she felt embarrassed that she told her friends that she was going to be going back and now she has to tell them that she is not, but I told her that they would understand if they were her true and real friends.

As for Sarah where do I begin? She never regained any vision in her right eye. She can see shadows, but she cannot see anything beyond that. Her left eye fluctuates between 20/50 and 20/70. She is currently on steroids, but that is not helping this time around. (She is also still on a slew of other things.) She will have an MRI in two months regardless of whether or not she is currently on steroids to see if she has developed any new lesions on her brain or spine. Her pupil in the right eye is still responding to light which means that there is some hope that she will regain some vision, but it has been 2+ weeks since she lost it. This is the longest she has ever gone without getting any better.  She had a doctor's appointment today at the Mellen Center and she was referred to a facility that assists those who are blind. They will be able to help us make the transition (should we need one) from the seeing world to the unseen one. I have had to rethink how we live our lives a bit, and her vision loss weighs more heavily on my heart than I would like to admit. I was letting her ride her bike down a couple of blocks to her friends house when I realized that she has no peripheral vision in either eye and no vision at all in her right eye. Therefore, when she is trying to cross a street she may not see a car coming down the road. I cannot believe that I didn't think of that before recently. I feel a bit like a dummy. In order to help her with this, I have told her that I would like either her brothers or myself to "drop" her off anywhere she goes on her bike. She is concerned about feeling like a baby, and I assured her that we could drop her off very inconspicuously. She seems to be okay with that. I know it sounds crazy, but she doesn't look like a blind person normally does, so I forget quite frequently just how much she cannot see. It doesn't help at all (although I completely understand why she does this) when she lies to people and tells them that she can see things that they cannot see at all in order for her to feel like a normal girl. (Although, I know she is a bit more honest with Bob and me she still will sometimes wait a couple of days before telling us about a new symptom.) We are currently on the lookout for large print children's books so that she can still read on her own. Not being able to read books is a source of frustration for her. She has been trying to read to me again, and is doing okay, but she has to move the book around in order for her to get it in line with her pockets of good vision in her left eye. She is trying to guess at a lot of words because she just cannot see very well.  This makes her feel badly. I try my best to tell her how proud of her I am for even trying, but some days my encouragement is not helpful. She remembers a life before this disease and it is slowly slipping away from her. She told Bob not too long ago that even her dreams are blurry. She can longer dream in clear vision. I had always hoped that would be the one place she could escape to and be normal.

I am in the process of developing a new strategy for my healthy habits. I want to finalize a couple of more things before I share it, so most likely I will present it in two weeks. Other than that - this is what is going on in our lives.

Wednesday's Inspiration

(quote from: mamasunshine.wordpress.com)

Healthy Habits Revisited

I need to revamp my healthy habits because I am stinking at making positive choices right now. I will be back next week with some realistic goals for myself other than "lose a ton of weight".

I wish being fat weren't so easy for me. I wish that I did not have a husband that adored me always no matter what shape I am in. (Although, I think that a skinny wife would appeal to him even more than a fat one. And I take that back - I am glad that my husband loves me no matter what.)  I also wish that I had the magical skinny gene that my husband has that allows him to stuff whatever he wants into his mouth and not gain a single pound.

This whole losing weight thing is really, really, really hard for me right now. How in God's name did I lose 30+ lbs almost 2 years ago? I have no freaking idea.

You would think that I would be motivated to be skinny. I think that if I lost a good amount of weight  I would actually stand a chance of getting pregnant again. (Which by the way -  I had a dream last night that I was holding my fifth child in my arms - a boy. I saw what he looked like and everything. It was amazing.) Being skinny feels better than being fat. It looks a hell of a lot better too. I could go on and on of all the benefits of not being fat, but we all know what they are.

I just cannot seem to get it together. Why am I not motivated!!!!???? BLAH!!!!!!!

In My (Grandpa's) Garden

Wednesday I finally put in my garden. I have had seedlings growing steadily (or not so steadily depending on the type of vegetable it is/was) for a couple of months now, and was about to have a bunch of them grow out of their containers very soon. We ordered a truck of garden soil (because the dirt around here is terrible) and had it delivered this morning. Bob put the finishing touches on the 4 8x4 raised beds that he made for me and viola! I had a garden.

My first green bean of the season - not quite ready to pick, but the first plant to have them!

As I was leveling out the dirt and placing the first of my vegetables carefully in their designated spots I immediately thought of my grandfather. Upon placing my first tomato plant into its location for the growing season I smelled a smell so sweet and wonderful  - a smell that reminded me of all of the good things about being a child. If you have never had the privilege of smelling a vegetable plant, I highly recommend doing so. There is nothing like the fragrance of a plant doing its best to grow and supply you with nutritious food.

Tomato plants

Smelling my first tomato plant in many years immediately brought me back to my childhood. I could see my grandfather bent over his garden in his work clothes, sweat gently dripping off of his face. I could see myself coming to meet him, and hear his voice call out to me, "Hey, Lee", as he wiped the sweat from his brow with the handkerchief that he carried in his pocket religiously. A twinkle in his eye and gentle, warm, and welcoming smile on his face. I am reminded of him showing me all of the wonders of that garden. All of the successes and failures of the year he would point out to me. I imagine this time was his quiet time. A place to help him transition from his work day to being home, but as a child I had no reason to understand that a person could need this time to go from one part of a day to another.  If I was a bother to him, he never let on. I always have (and still do)  felt adored by him. I have always felt that my company was something he cherished. I love him for that. He always had the time to stop his life to show me something or to just be with me. I loved his garden for that reason. It was a place where I could meet him, and could just be with him without anyone else.  His garden was amazing, and absolutely huge.

My grandfather's garden was my first experience with the smell of what real food should be like. There was no large scale production, no pesticides, no chemicals, no CAFO manure being spread over the plants. Just a hardworking man bent over his garden most summer days weeding, watering, and picking the ripe fruits of his labors. It was an experience like none other, and it speaks volumes of its importance to me that of all of the things from my childhood that I could have chosen to remember my grandpa's gardens are some of my most vivid and special memories.

Pepper plants

My garden now is a connection to my grandfather. All of these years that I have not gardened I did not realize how much I have been missing.  I needed this garden as much for its food that it will (hopefully) produce, but also for the emotional ties that I feel toward it. I know that can walk to my garden, and just have a moment with my grandfather. His calming, serene influence, I have no doubt, will make me feel so much better. With all that is going on in my life I need that so much right now.

Summer squash and zucchini and a pumpkin plant.

Every time I go out to water my plants or weed my beds I will think of him. Every time I smell any of the vegetables growing in my garden I will think of him. I am grateful that I still have him in my life - even though I don't get to see him nearly as often as I would like, but I am even more grateful that I have a sacred spot where I can go to just be with him in thought.

Wednesday's Inspiration

Photo courtesy of:  supportinasplit.com

"She not only saw the light at the end of the tunnel, she became that light for others."

  - Kobi Yamada

Photo courtesy of: posipesi.com