If I Had To Do It All Over Again

As I sit solidly in the second stage of parenting I have been thinking more and more about what I would have done differently if I could have the chance to do it all over again. It is easier to reflect at this stage as I am beyond the part of my life where I am being woken up to nurse or bottle feed a baby, the diaper stage is years behind me, and the need to constantly monitor my toddler is tucked quietly in the corner of my memory with my last toddler having grown past that stage 5 years ago.

It is so incredibly hard some days, when young ones are around, to remember that 'this too shall pass'. Sometimes that phrase seems like a cruel joke especially when your eyes are burning from lack of sleep, or a sick child that needs you, or when you are sick, but still need to take care of a little one. But, I can attest, it does pass. Little ones grow and turn into bigger kids who then turn into teenagers who finally turn into adults. And when you stop and reflect on your life at this stage, because inevitably you do since there are times in your day when everyone is preoccupied with their own lives doing their own things, you have a chance to take stock of how you would do it over if given a chance. Some of the time when doing so I look back and pat myself on the back, but there are other things that make me want to cry - things that if given the chance I would redo in a heartbeat. I know that hindsight is always 20/20, but man, what I wouldn't give to go back to the beginning with the knowledge I have now...what a difference it would have made in so many lives.

This is my list (most likely incomplete as I am constantly learning/reflecting):

 I would have never gone back to work once I had my first son, Andy.

I would have become a full time mom and homemaker and learned to live within our means at a young age. I hated my job, but continued to work outside the home for 10 more years both in a full time and part time capacity. It brought out the worst parts of me and rotted me from the inside out. We really need my income - HA!. Oh, society said we did. After all everyone has to have at least 2 cars - the newer the better. And we all have to have the latest parenting gadgets! Who puts their babies on the floors anymore or wears then in carriers? No! We need baby swings, playpens, bouncy seats, vibrating seats, strollers to carry the car seat, and umbrella strollers, and baby monitors, and baby Einstein toys! We have to have fashionable clothes and fashionable furniture! We have to have it all!And what does all of this cost? Money!  Except that who suffers in the pursuit of trying to have it all? My kids do. That's who. We were lucky, Bob and I, because we were able to work opposite shifts and where our schedules did overlap I had family to watch over the kids, but you know what? Even though we were blessed to have family watch the kids when we needed care for them while we were at work - who did my kids want to be with more than anyone else in this whole wide world? Me. Their mommy. That one magical person who can comfort, snuggle, and nurture. That is the gift of being a mommy. That is the payoff for all of those sleepless nights and long days - the ability to have a magic touch to make everything better - just because I am me - I am mommy to my kids. I pissed that away because I was so afraid of getting off of the hamster wheel. So afraid of just saying no - even when that little voice inside my ahead told me to do so. Even when my gut was telling me to quit I quietly shushed it by telling it that we had too many bills to pay. I wouldn't have had a lot of those bills if I didn't buy into the consumerist culture.  I thought I was doing the best I could at the time, BUT I know now I could have done better. I SHOULD have done better because if I had trusted myself enough to listen to myself - I KNEW better - deep down inside. That is something I will have to live with the rest of my life.

I would have made homemaking my career. 

Making a home is really, really hard. I am not talking about having a clean house (although that is hard too especially with little ones around). I am talking about creating an atmosphere within the 4 walls of your dwelling that make those who live there feel that they are in a sacred place. It is the feeling - the essence - of a home. You can feel it, even as a stranger, when you walk into those rare homes where homemaking is celebrated and created. Most of us, me included, feel that a nice home is one in which there is matching furniture and the best money has to buy. Yes, decorations are a part of that mix, but some of the most comforting homes that I have been in  - the ones in which I felt the family's essence were those in which there was not a piece of matching furniture to be found. Making a home isn't about what kind of furniture one has or how big our home is or what kind of fancy neighborhood we live in. That is what our culture tells us it is about, but it couldn't be further from the truth. Home is the feeling you get when you walk into a space. It the memories created and evoked. It is the routines established. It is the quality time spent. The fun had. The order in a world of chaos. It is warmth and smiles and the feeling of security and stability. It the feelings of belonging. The feeling of certainty in an unstable and uncertain world. Those feelings don't just happen when you walk into a home they are created. Doing so takes time. So much time that homemaking becomes a full time job in-and-of itself. Homemaking needs to be valued more. I wish I had seen its value 15 years ago.

Homemaking is something that is learned. Back in the day homemaking was taught by a mother and learned by her daughter to repeat that cycle again when the daughter had a daughter of her own. There was something lost in the feminist movement - don't get me wrong - I am ALL for women having a choice - at least in the workforce area. There are some women who need to work for financial reasons. (Although many of us hide behind the saying, "I need to work" when really if the family saw some of its "necessities" as extras or luxuries then mom - or dad - could really stay home and create a home.) There are also women who would be terrible homemakers and who need to work for emotional reasons. But  a lot of us really could stay home if we were willing to give up some of the things that we currently have. We would then learn (teach ourselves either through mentoring programs, books, etc...) on how to create a home as there are not too many to look up to on how to create a home since so many women the generation or two before us left their homes in search of outside employment. I would have loved to have been taught how to create a home when I was 20 and pregnant with Andy. That would have been the best gift ever given to me. It would have saved me 15 years of stumbling around. I am just now understanding the importance of creating a home for my family. Of the sacredness of this space. I want my children and husband to look forward to coming home - to want to come home and have a hard time wanting to leave - because of the atmosphere I have created within this space. To me, that atmosphere includes having an orderly space, home cooked meals, a good attitude by me, crafts/games, time together, etc...It is a gift that I am able to create this space. That I alone have the ability to create this sacredness - what an awesome thing to possess.



I would have never gotten my college degree. 

I had just completed by sophomore year of college when I found out I was pregnant with Andy. I was already in student debt, but it was manageable at that time. It would have taken several years to pay off, but it would have been paid off by now and I would be Scott free. I also would have been focusing on my career in homemaking so a business degree would not have been necessary.

Truth be told, I got my degree because I was unsure of my future, and I wanted to make sure that if anything happened between Bob and I I would be able to get along okay on my own. I wanted the security of knowing that I could make it in this world if I had to raise my kids as a single parent. My degree is in business administration, but I don't like the business world at all. It doesn't interest me. It isn't my passion. It brings out the worst in me. I should have trusted in the strength of my relationship with my (now) husband and trusted that  I had picked someone that I was going to be with for the rest of my life and focused on creating a home. I should have listened to my gut feelings that we are forever. For better and for worse.

I also would have saved myself a gazillion dollars in student loan debt by not getting my degree. Because we had a young family I completed my degree online - which because of the convenience of doing so, is extremely expensive compared to the local college down the road a bit.  So, I have enough student loan debt for 2-3 college degrees.

Trying to obtain my bachelor's degree also took time away from my young kiddos who needed me at the time (and still do even though they are bigger). Instead of focusing on creating a home and being the best mommy I could have been I was focused on writing papers and completing team projects assigned by my instructors. It took me a total of 6 years to complete my degree - 4 of which was online while my kids were little.

I would have found something worth believing in and introduced my kids to that from the time they were born. 

I was raised a Catholic, but in my teen years I turned away from the church. From time to time throughout my young adulthood I would attend a church service here and there, but nothing held me. Part of the reason was that I had seen things done in the name of "faith" that have destroyed people. One of these incidents occurred when I was growing up, and although did not happen to me personally, happened to a family I loved very much. Another incident took place as an adult. I wish though that I had found some place that caught my attention because, looking back now, I would have liked to have raised my children with some sort of belief system. I have just now begun going back to church, and have found a church - a Catholic one to boot! - that is what I am looking for. I feel, for various reasons, that it is not my place to force my children to come to church with me. In fact, if I tell them that they have to go, I think that it will repel them from having any meaningful relationship with God. So, I just need to be an example to them and show them what it means to be a person of faith and if they choose to follow that path so be it. I wish that I would found my faith way back when, and just incorporated it into my kids lives from day one so that they had a foundation in their faith from day 1. I think that faith is very important. I didn't for a very, very long time, but now I do. I think that having a sense of God is important. I wish I would have known that when I was 20 and just starting out on my parenting journey.

I would have taken better care of myself.

Over the years I have gained about 65 lbs. ( I am in the process of losing that through exercise and better food choices. Yeah!) I wish that I had understood the importance of taking care of myself both for my own good, but also as an example to my children of the importance of taking care of oneself. I would have exercised by body in some way daily. I would have taken more time to learn about nutrition, alternative forms of healthcare, and nourishing my mind. I would have scheduled monthly date nights for both my husband and myself, but also for my friends and myself. I would have taken care of my body also for my husband's sake. Men are visual beings. I would have taken the time to do my hair, put on some make up, gotten dressed into something decent most days. I would have valued by body and mind much more. I would have seen that I am the heart and soul of my family. That if I am running on low or empty that everyone will be running on low/empty. There are so many areas that taking care of myself from the beginning would have helped.

I would have put my marriage first.

A lot of the time I have put my children first when in fact I should have put my husband first. Having a solid marriage is one of the best gifts I can give my children. Marriage is sacred and needs to be worked on like any relationship. I still struggle with putting my marriage first. It is in my nature to take care of my children first and then my husband. But really it needs to be the other way around. I would have made time for my husband each and every day if I was able to begin my family life all over again. Even if it was only for a bit. I would have allowed him to feel like the head of the household instead of making so many parenting/life choices on my own. I feel like I need(ed) to honor our marriage by allowing him to feel like the head of our household.  I struggle to do that sometimes. I am a strong personality and I forget that sometimes deferring to him shows (and takes) more strength than just taking over and making decisions on my own. (I am not talking about 1800's deferment/submissiveness, but I do think that so often we women take over that we emasculate our husbands and that is neither good for our husbands or our sons who view this relationship and think it is acceptable in their own adult lives. A man wants to feel like a man. And in doing so, he is much more likely to treat us women with the reverence and honor we deserve. )


I would have had home births  and trusted my body while pregnant. 

I had 4 c-sections. I desperately wish I had not had any. I wish that I would have trusted by 20 year old body (and had a mentor to show me the way instead of the  medical community that I relied on so much that told me that the only way to deliver my children was via c-section.).  I know that home birthing is very controversial, but for me it is something I know that I would have loved to do. If I was able to go back to my 20 year old self and do it again - I would have nurtured my pregnant body, loved it, and saw the beauty and miracle of what was taking place inside of womb. I would have brought all of my babies into this world at home. In a peaceful non-intrusive setting. I would have nursed them all for at least a year. I would have worn them on me all of the time to keep them close.

I would have had more children, and I would have enjoyed them more. 

Children are the Universe's, God's, whatever you want to call it, gift. They are a gift. And their time with us is so fleeting. Even though some of the days that we have as parents are some of the longest 24 hours ever - the years pass by so quickly. Before you can even blink twice they are 14,12,10, and 8, and you wonder where the hell time went. I was so busy working and going to school that I did not have the time that I needed to fully care for and be there for my children. I will never get to have that time back. NEVER. I was burnt out by the time Elizabeth came along that I had my tubes tied after her birth. The thought of having another baby (as Bob and I were able to blink and get pregnant back then) was a death sentence to me. How foolish of me to think that way! If I had been home and cherished the gift and miracle that children are I would have kept going. I would have been more patient and loving and kind. I would have stopped by busyness and focused on those sweet gentle souls who only wanted my time. Time to build blocks, time to read, time to snuggle, time to laugh. Instead they got the usual, "In a minute.", which you and I know very well turns into never...because that minute becomes another and another and when you are finally ready your child has moved onto to something else. Learning that he/she cannot really rely on you to be there for him to just sit.

 I don't know how many more children I would have had. I just know I would have had more. In fact, for those of you who have been following my blog for any amount of time know, I regret getting my tubes tied so much that I had them untied a year a a half ago. I fear though, that I may never conceive again as I am now 35 and have not been able to get pregnant in the year and half since the surgery. I will live with that regret forever.

I would have homeschooled from the very beginning and trusted myself in what I was doing. 

I know that homeschooling is not for everyone. But it is for me. The reasons that I like it are vast. I know that it is right for my family just as much as the next person knows that public schooling is right for their family. There is no right or wrong way - only the way that suits each of us best. At times, I question what I am doing because it goes against the mainstream. I worry that my kids are not learning enough or what they should be. But, then I realize that I am a conscientious parent now, and that my kids are not sitting in front the of TV all day like zombies doing nothing. Everyday we are learning. I am actively engaged in their education, and even though it may not look like what those who going to public school , it is an education all the same. It is one that I believe in with all of my heart.

So, there you have it. My list. If any of you have young children and are thinking of having more. Or are thinking about quitting your job. Or are thinking about where to have your babies or whether or not to build your life to include a faith system think about what I have said. Each of our journeys are very unique, but I would hate for you to be looking at your life through the lense in which I see mine and have some of the same regrets I do. I am just now making the changes that I wish I had made in the beginning. My mantra is better late than never, but boy do I wish I had done these things from the very beginning. My life would look so much different today.

 Life is so short. Life is a gift. Make the most of it before it is too late.