Settling In

The newness of living in New Mexico is wearing off. The excitement of the adventure has waned. What is left is the beginning stages of building a new life. We have had some growing pains to be sure, but just as I was ready to throw in the towel the Universe prevailed and allowed us some much needed access to normality.

Andy

Each of the kids is progressing along in this new environment at a different pace. Andy seems to be struggling the most. He has been presented with many opportunities to meet new people and has been exposed to many different things, but seems resigned to not wanting to build a life here. I sense that somehow he feels he would be betraying those he left behind (particularly Paige and the Boormans) by making a new life here. I have tried to explain to him (to no avail) that they would want him to create a life here. That they would be upset with him if they knew that he was not trying to move on in some way. I have also tried explaining to him that by making new friends here doesn't mean that he is forgetting those he left behind. He seems resistant to hear me out and I don't want to push the issue too hard. He will around in his own time (or maybe he won't), but I cannot force him to build a life here. All I can do is present him with opportunities to seize should he choose. Most of the time Andy is counting down the time until he can move back to Ohio. Every once in a while he will talk about how he doesn't want to necessarily move back to Ohio, but he would like to move closer so that he can see his friends that live there for extended weekends on a regular basis. I think that this is a reasonable request and something that Bob and I would consider next time we move. Andy finally found a soccer team to play on although it is not exactly the kind of team he hoped to land on. I feel bad for him because Josh has lucked out with soccer here. We had such a hard time finding Andy a team that I am completely bummed for him that the one we finally found is such a disappointment to him. The kids are all very nice, but their skill and ability level is not on par with what Andy is used to. New Mexico, as in Ohio, allows homeschooled children to participate in athletic activities in their home school district. This means that Andy would be allowed to try out for the high school boys team this summer. He is looking forward to that very much and is going to make the best of this spring soccer team that he can.

Josh

Josh seems to be the most settled in here. I am completely surprised by this as I thought he would be the child that was the most difficult to get settled down. He misses his "framily" back in Ohio - that I know for sure - but he seems to really want to make a life here for himself. His soccer team is wonderful. The parents are gracious and welcoming. His coach is amazing. He has gotten to know several kids on the team and had his first friend over to our house. This young man that he has chosen to become friends with is a great kid. He reminds me of the boys Josh left behind in Ohio. Good kid from a good family. Polite, respectful, not a heathen. Just the kind of kid I love. I am happy for Josh. He seems to think that, over time, he can become tight with several of the other boys. I have no doubt that this is true. He was the only child that was happy to come back to New Mexico after our January trip back to Ohio. He had the same reaction that I did when we landed - that we were happy to be back among the mountains. There is something peaceful and comforting about the landscape here and Josh can feel it too.

Legoland in Elizabeth's room. 

Miss Sarah. Oh, Miss Sarah. In the last week she has made the most strides. Through the 4H club that we joined (more on that later) she met two sisters ages 10 and 8 with the oldest having a birthday two days after hers and the youngest sister having a birthday 3 weeks after Elizabeth. This young lady was the first girl not to shy away from Sarah when she learned that she was blind. She (and her sister) are so kind and loving. You could see how happy it made Sarah to find a new friend. To feel normal. To be able to have someone to talk about little girl things with. This young lady takes Sarah around and knows how to guide her through unfamiliar terrain. She is truly a Godsend. It was amazing (brought a tear to my eyes actually - big surprise there) to see her playing, like a little girl should, with other people. Sarah has matured so much in the last year and a half that it is nice to see her be able to be carefree if only for a little while. I have that young lady to thank. After meeting this family through 4H we were invited to a homeschooling park day and Sarah was able to meet about 8 - 10 other little girls. I watched them all gather together at the park and sit huddled together playing "Babysitter's Club". It was so cool. It made Sarah so happy.

We also had a representative from the School for the Blind come to our home two weeks ago. It was an amazing experience. We were given a TON of resources to help Sarah. Because we homeschool the school even gave me a free Braille curriculum that they use at the school. Sarah is going to be meeting with a mobility specialist to be fitted with a walking cane (not sure of the real name) to help aide her when she is out and about. (She does not quality for a seeing eye dog yet because she is too young.)  She was also given a Braille writer which will help her to learn to write letters to people, so watch out, in the next few months or so you may be receiving a letter from her in Braille. (Don't worry, I will translate the letter for you.) I have a ton of manipulatives for her. We also have been in touch with the NM branch of the Federation of the Blind. They have been extremely helpful, and we plan on attending their monthly meetings beginning in March. I have also been in contact with a woman who heads up a support group for parents of blind children. There has been a windfall of resources and help for Sarah. This was much needed as I felt I was grasping for invisible straws there for a while. I feel so much better about her future and the ability for her to lead a successful life. I have a full basket of H-O-P-E which is awesome because I was running on empty for longer than I would have liked to have been.

Sarah and Miss Lily (who apparently is annoyed that I am taking her picture.)

I met, again, with the local neurologist yesterday that I had a very bad first experience with about a month ago. This doctor had a much different tone with me when I entered his office after having spoken with Dr. Cohen at length after our last appointment. (Dr. Cohen was the lead neurologist from Akron Children's overseeing Sarah's care.) This local neurologist said that he understood now that Sarah has been through every test imaginable and that she has had every procedure possible (most of them multiple times) to try and prevent Sarah from losing her vision. I felt vindicated. I knew I wasn't a bad mom, but after walking out of his office last time he made me feel like one for a couple of days. It was nice to  hear him (without actually saying the words) that he was sorry for the way our first visit went and that he realizes that I am (and always have been) doing everything possible in Sarah's best interest to keep her healthy. He also said though, that he did not think that he was the right person to really oversee her care. He felt that I should keep seeing Dr. Rensel and Dr. Cohen whenever we go back to Ohio. He said that Sarah is a unique case (big surprise there) and that she needs to be seen by people who can offer her the best care possible. This doctor is willing to see her down here and follow the orders of Dr.'s Cohen and Rensel, but he will not make any changes in her care or make any decision regarding her care. This news is nothing new to us as we have been through this type of conversation many times with other neurologists who did not want to take on the complexity of her case. I think I am calm about it this time because I feel that (please, God) the worst has passed for Sarah. We were trying so hard to save her vision and were frantic to so that we freaked out when neurologists would pass the buck on us. Now I feel that Bob and I have her disease under control. I feel like we understand this disease and how it works in her body as best as one can understand a disease such as this. So now I have to contact Dr. Cohen to make sure that he is willing to take her back on as a patient.

Gymnastics is going very well for Sarah. She seems to have a natural ability to excel as a gymnast. It is amazing to watch her. To see how she adapts despite her limitations is just inspiring. She is amazing.

As I was cleaning out the refrigerator Elizabeth asked if she could
climb in and have her picture taken.

Elizabeth, too, has finally found her stride. She has loved meeting new kids and has fit in very well among the gaggle of girls we have recently met. Both she and Elizabeth have a play date this upcoming week with a brother and sister from our book club group that we are apart of. I really like these two kids. They are wonderful and kind and imaginative and just lovely. I am excited for the girls to have friends over again. I know that they are too.  Elizabeth is doing well in gymnastics. She hasn't gotten kicked out yet so that is good. Her teacher is amazing and has the patience of a saint. I have to remind Elizabeth to channel her energy into her gymnastics moves instead of bouncing off of the walls (or mats).

We joined a 4H club. It is comprised of all homeschoolers which is pretty cool. I never in a million years thought I would be apart of a 4H club. We have gone to 1 meeting and it went very well. I think that this group is going to expose the kids to a lot of different things. I am happy that we have the opportunity to do something like this. All of the families involved have been very nice.

Sarah joined in the refrigerator party as well.

As for me, I have had a couple of freak out moments in the last two weeks. I flew back to Ohio this past weekend to drive to NY with my parents to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My first night back I couldn't sleep because I just kept thinking how much I wanted to move back to Ohio to be  with my family and friends again. I miss our friends a lot. I miss the group of kids that my kids became tight with and I thought about what a mistake it was to leave this wonderful group of people. I thought about how I would never find a group as amazing as they were and how I wish that I had appreciated them more when I lived in Ohio. It was an ugly night filled with self doubt. It didn't get any easier as the weekend progressed and I realized just how far away I was from not only my friends, but from my grandparents as well. My grandmother is not doing well, and I hate being so far away from her. No longer can I take a long weekend and drive out to see her with the kids. (Ironically, Bob had a similar thought process that kept him up one night the weekend I was gone as well.)

The girls are loving this CD right now. 

It is important for me to remember though that I wouldn't have missed these people and realized how much I love them had I not left Ohio. I was miserable there for so many reasons. So was Bob. There was no where for him to go career wise in Ohio. There was no way we would have ever been able to move out of our home because we would not be able to pay our realtor fees and have a down payment for another house. Even though we had equity in our house we didn't have enough to put an addition on, so we would have been stuck in an 1120 square foot house for the unforeseeable future. The weather in Ohio was depressing me more and more each winter. I could no longer stand the gloomy gray weather month after month. I wanted to be able to show the kids different places and spaces. I wanted to expose them to different people and landscapes. When you do that though, you trade a sense of security for a sense of adventure. I wish desperately that I could bring those that I love and miss desperately to New Mexico, but I know that I cannot do that. Just as I also know that even though I miss my framily and family desperately there is no way that I could go back to Ohio. Not now.

I am slowly meeting people. I have encountered several women who I think could really become part of my tribe of confidants and friends. I am excited to see how these relationships play out. I like the fact that most of these people have shared interests. We all homeschool. We all have a sense of wanting to living a life against the grain. In the same sense we are all completely different, and I embrace that difference.

Bob is doing well. He is excelling at his job. He works a lot and is gone from sunup to sundown almost every day. This has been an adjustment for the kids and I as we were used to him working 40 hour work weeks. Long gone are those days, I suppose. I am happy for him though to be challenged and love his boss, his coworkers, and his job. It is nice to see him happy again.

View of the mountains from my front yard.

Overall, I think we are doing really well. Life is starting to settle down a bit. We are in the beginning stages of building a real life here. This makes me happy. Seeing my children happy makes me happy. I am once again reminded of how good I have it. I have a wonderful home. I live in a place with beautiful weather. I have the ability to stay home with my children. I get to homeschool them. There is real hope for Sarah and her ability to lead a successful independent life. I have the luxury of being able to travel back to Ohio if I need to in the event of emergencies. I have the ability to travel back to Ohio with my family for vacations to see friends and family. My husband loves his job. I have enough, but not too much, money.

 Bob and I worked so hard for the life that we are leading. I am so thoroughly thankful that this is my life. Even with its ups and downs I would not trade my life with anyone. Life is good.