I have been writing less and less lately. It has been a slow decline, but a decline none-the-less. I couldn't tell why I didn't have the urge to seek out this space - all I knew was that some days I thought about blogging, but then quickly had the urge to avoid this space like the plague. Then it dawned on me that I knew deep down that this space was not a reflection of who I am.
It was so cluttered and had become something that was no longer authentic to myself. I was trying to hard (very unsuccessfully) to make money with this blog that I had advertisements everywhere - which were kinda gross and of items that I would not endorse. Although I earned some money blogging I have decided that it isn't enough to keep the advertisements up at this time in my life. (That does not mean that somewhere down the road I will not choose to put them back up. It just means for now I need a break from them.)
When I took down the advertisements I put up in their place the menu for our current week, the books we are currently reading (we are involved in two book clubs this month), and some quotes. (I love quotes and love being inspired by them even more.) I also took down the blog counter which shows how many views my blog has had because - who cares? It doesn't really matter how many people choose to read my blog. It just doesn't. I would hold onto that number and slowly watch it climb trying to figure out which posts were more favored so that I could write more of the same type of posts and increase my viewership. But that did not allow me to write authentically. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to write what I want to write whether it is popular or not. I want to write what is true to me at the point in my life in which I am writing about.
I also cleared up my labels which can be seen on the side. I had like a million billion and they took up so much space and some of them didn't even make sense. So, I went through all 392 of my posts and got my categories down to about 20ish. It sounds crazy to say this but my blog just feels lighter. It was also a great way for me to scan through each post and to relive some of the moments of my life. It was a great way to walk down memory lane. Some of it, especially the posts after Sarah had just been diagnosed with MS, were terribly hard to glance over. I could feel that rage and the tightness in my chest just welling up. It was hard to go there - even if only briefly. That was such a hard time in my life. I didn't realize that life could go that black. It was also so nice to get to the end of those blogs and to take a moment to realize just how far I have come and we have come as a family. Having been to the depths of that darkness I am able to feel a gratitude that is so deep and so true. I would not have known and been able to experience the one without the other. I know that I am not alone in those feelings. Death, divorce, unexpected losses of any kind - I know there are those of you out there who have experienced these things. I know you can relate to the darkness and gratitude I speak of even if its shade may be different from mine.
So there you have it. This space feels much better. It feels more like me - authentically me - and that is all I can ask for.
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