Education VS. Learning

 As with most mamas, I want the absolute best for my children in all areas and aspects of life. I want to make sure that when my kids come of age they have been given the most solid foundation with which to build their lives.  Because I have chosen to homeschool my kids I often feel an overwhelming sense of duty to get it right educationally because if I don't I have no one but myself to blame. More and more often I have been feeling a huge sense of urgency to get this whole homeschooling thing figured out (and all of the kinks that come with choosing this lifestyle) because my children are getting older and older and my time to "fix" whatever I have broken in them is becoming shorter and shorter. There are no other teachers with whom I can try and work out their educational life. No other adults who handle schooling day in and day out and can offer suggestions or give extra help as they could if I actually sent my kids to a school outside of the walls of my home. I cannot help but constantly, at least lately, think of all that I am doing wrong educationally for my kids.

But then I start to think of all of the kids who drop out of high school. Or of all of the kids who cannot read or write properly when they graduate from an educational setting that is considered mainstream. Or I think of all of the kids, like myself, who really did not learn all that much in school. (Or at least I didn't retain that much.) Which leads me to wonder if I am wasting my time shoving the textbooks that the kids and I have been working on since last July down their throats? I mean, how much of the Algebra that Andy and Josh have been doing (and hating very much) contains information that they have actually retained or will one day need? Or is it really all that important if my kids know what a past particle verb is? I am sure that I learned those things at some point during my schooling years, but I cannot tell you what those are unless I look at my teacher's manual as I try to teach them to my own kids.

If I follow public school ways and cram textbook after textbook down my kids throats why don't I just throw them into public school where another adult can do that job for me? What is the point of homeschooling? Is it to school at home? Or is there more to it than that?

Do I want to teach my kids to follow their own interests which inevitably will allow them to retain the information they are seeking because it actually interests them? Or do I want my kids to just follow a book even though it makes them miserable and they retain very little, if nothing at all, because as adults they are going to have to do things that they don't like, so they might as well get used to it now?  Do I want to teach my kids to think outside of the box? Or do I want to teach them to follow the rules no matter what even if they don't make sense or if they don't sit right with my kids?

I guess the thing is is that I don't have any of the answers that I am looking for right now. I know that I have spent thousands of dollars on curriculum this year and I don't feel like we had a very productive school year despite the pages and pages of work completed. And I think my kids would agree with me. The kids and I haven't had fun this year. Learning hasn't been a pleasurable experience. It has been painful.  I am completely burnt out and my kids are burnt out which is something we all experienced in public school, so if the point of homeschooling is to  not having it be like public school then why am I still thinking in traditional ways? If I am going to do schooling at home why not just send them back to school?


But if I don't want to school them at home any more and I don't want to send the kids to public school where does that leave me? I don't want my kids to run around like banshees with nothing to do all day. I don't want to raise a pack of heathens. But I also don't want to raise kids who become adults who live a life doing a job they don't love just to pay the bills. I don't want my kids to not be passionate about what they do. I want to raise kids who think outside the box, who respectfully question authority, who know what their passions are and then follow them.

Right now, I feel like I am giving my kids an education. I am making sure that they do their book work and have pages and pages of this book work completed, but in doing this I don't feel like my kids are learning how to learn. That is a huge disservice to them. I want my kids to be curious about the world around them, gobble up information about what peaks their curiosity, and then to learn as much as they desire about that subject. But in allowing my kids to learn this way our school days will look much different and I am not sure that I am brave enough to go that far off of the beaten path.

Which then leads me to think about the fact that I have this amazing ability to create such a unique journey that is off the beaten path, but is this amazing organic experience for my whole family. I start to think about what a disservice I am doing to them by not exploring the area in which we live in more. And how much we could learn from the area in which we live in. There is so much geography, history, science, etc... to be learned and explored just by venturing outside the walls of our home.  We live in the southwest!!! How exciting is that? And then, before the end of this year, we will be living in a totally different part of the country, so why are we not taking advantage of all of the different things the southwest has to offer? If we are going to follow Bob around to all of the different places that his career is going to allow us to go why we inside doing book work day in and day out? Why are we not visiting museums, parks, hiking trails, etc...that are unique to the area where we are living? Our education should be a hands on experience that will allow us to actually learn something instead of just reading something in a textbook, answering questions about that reading, being quizzed and tested on those things, and then repeating that same cycle over and over again.



I bet if you actually asked my kids what they have learned this year they will most likely not be to give you an answer despite the notebooks of work they have completed. Why am I doing this to them? Why am I doing this to myself? Am I afraid of what other people will think if we structure our school days differently? Am I really not that much of an outside the box thinker even though I pride myself on being one?

It seems like once a year I get to this point of being overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed about school and just as I am getting ready to make some big changes in terms of the way we school I chicken out and go right back to the textbooks that we all have learned so much from. Why can't I be more brave and seek the hands on learning experience that I know I could give my kids if only I was willing to let go of what other people thought and to truly think outside of the box?

How we spend our moments is how we spend our lives. I am too uniquely wired to be normal, so why am I trying to do normal things? Why am I trying to do "normal" schooling at home when I could be allowing my children the freedom of tailoring their own education to fit their own needs not the needs that a publisher suggests my kids have.  God granted me permission to raise my kiddos just by the shear nature of having them been born to me. He knew what kind of person I was prior to gifting me my kiddos, so why am I not living up to my uniqueness and giving my kids a once in a lifetime childhood full of amazing learning opportunities?

Again, I don't have the answers yet. Or maybe I do - I am just not sure I am brave enough to see them through. I guess the question that begs to be asked is this: Do I have enough time left with my kids to continue being a coward? If not the only option for me is to stand up and be brave - no matter how scary that may seem - their futures and their lives may depend on it.

A Teenager Among Us

I have been doing this mom thing for almost 16 years. (Wow, can you believe that?!) I have four children with completely different personalities, and I think it is fair to say that I have seen a lot when it comes to parenting. One of my biggest parenting fears was/is having teenagers in my house. I can clearly remember how hard it was for me and my parents during my teenage years and I wasn't sure that I could handle that as a parent x 4. I wasn't sure that I was equipped with what I would need to make it out of those years and be able to call them successful with my relationship in tact with all four of my kiddos. I can remember joking with Bob when the kids were really little how "one day far into the future" the kids would be 18, 16, 14, and 12 and how awful that would be because who would want to live with four moody and mouthy teenagers?

For the last few years my fears have been unfounded as Andy became an adolescent and then a teenager. The mouthiness, moodiness, and sullenness just didn't ever really happen. I was surprised by this because I thought all teenagers were supposed to hate their parents and be withdrawn and smart mouthed. At least that is what we are told, right? When kids become teenagers they are supposed to think we are idiots and know nothing of importance. They are supposed to hold their friendships more sacred than their family ties and they are supposed to be distant and withdrawn, right? Well, not really...at least this hasn't been my experience.

I am inclined to think that Andy is just a very, very unique and special soul. He and I have just always gotten along. He likes to have his alone time because he is an introvert and I don't think that this has much to do with him being a teenager because he has always been this way. We don't get into fights, and when we disagree about something it is a discussion that we have back and forth until a solution is reached rather than a shouting match where I am deemed right because I am the parent. Andy has been easy on me as a mother and for that I am grateful beyond measure. I just assumed that all of my kids were going to be this easy because usually they follow Andy's path in most instances, so it came as a rather unpleasant shock when two or three weeks ago I realized that there actually is a true teenager living among us....and his name is Josh.

My buddy Josh is becoming a milder version of your typical teenager. He has a comment for everything, usually negative, or a smart remark. He is becoming argumentative at times. He is moody and sometimes withdrawn. He is hurtful to me in his remarks. And I find myself at a loss when it comes to parenting him. A couple of weeks ago he did something that hurt me so badly he made my cry and he couldn't even see what it was that he had done. This was the pivotal moment in which I realized that a teenager was living among us...

If I am being honest with you, I wanted to lash out and hurt him right back. I wanted to sneak down to a teenage level myself and make a few snide remarks back. Instead I choose to close my mouth and count to 10 and then 20 until my anger subsided. That in itself was a victory for me. I need to remember that he is lashing out at me the most because I am the one who is closest to him. I know that he shares the most with me and that he feels closest to me out of almost all other adults in his life. I need to not ruin that trust and that closeness even when not doing so hurts me because of the actions or words being spoken by my son. I need to prove that I am an anchor for him in the waters of teenage life and that no matter if there is smooth sailing or rough seas my anchor will be firmly placed, holding steady, always. I need to show him that he cannot push me away; cannot make me not love him; cannot turn me away from him. I am here for him. I will steady and constant and always there when he needs me. Instead of rushing to him to make sure he is okay, as I would have done in his younger years, I will let him try and figure things out on his own all the while quietly letting him know I am here if he needs me.

It is difficult because my son is beginning to see me less as his mom and more as a human being - flaws and all. And he is calling me on my flaws when he sees them. Andy was gracious enough to never do this and, although I feel it is fair for Josh to do so, I don't like the feeling.

It is so very important for me to remember that Josh is not rejecting me, but rather just trying to find his own way in this world. And that this is a good thing because it means he is trying to learn to go out on his own bit by bit - and that is the point of having children - to raise them to be the best versions of themselves who then go out into the world and live fulfilling lives filled with honor and truth and generosity.

But still. This time is hard for me and will, no doubt, get harder still. And I need to remember that no matter how much it hurts it is not personal. I need to remember that I am the adult and that my child is behaving in an unfamiliar way sometimes because he is just trying to become more familiar with who he is authentically outside of the realm of being a son and brother in our family. He is trying to find out where the wings we have been grooming him with will take him, and that should be a good thing. I just never imagined something that is supposed to be so good could sometimes hurt so much.

Yes, there is definitely a teenager among us. And I don't think that feeling is going to go away any time soon, so I better learn to handle this changing tide before it takes me under.

A Work In Progress

My struggle to adequately parent Elizabeth is real and is something that is in my face every day. Most days I feel completely defeated as she does this thing or that which either completely exasperates me or makes me want to run away and have some one else parent her. It is a continuous and never ending battle.

She does things that none of my other three children have ever done. (And they are all very different and have done a lot of things!) Unlike most children, she doesn't outgrow stages she just takes them with her as she grows up. I have stopped praying that things would get easier for me as my prayers went unanswered after she turned 2 and then 3 and 4, etc...She is now 9.

I always tell people that she is going to be a wonderful adult, but that parenting her is the most difficult thing in the world because she is who she is and does not take instruction easily. She is a free spirited child. She is a very difficult child.

Some of the difficulties I have with her are my own doing. With the other three I feel I was pretty consistent and provided routine and structure for them. Because Elizabeth came out of the womb fussing and fighting I was often emotionally too tired, when she was smaller, to invest the time to be consistent. Because I did not set boundaries with her early on she is constantly pushing the boundaries I place before her now.  During the times I did try to be consistent with her she would leave me stumped as to what she needed because, again, everything that I tried that worked with the other three kids had no effect on her what-so-ever.

I am faced yet again with my parenting lapses and discrepancies as I am seeing her display habits and traits that are not very becoming of her. I have been wracking my brain these last few weeks on how to help her become the best version of herself. I need to find a way help her. It is my duty as her parent to help her become the best version of herself that she can possibly be. It is my duty to give her a solid foundation with which to build a beautiful strong life. I feel like the foundation I intially gave her was not well put together and now I am having to go back and rebuild a new one. Not an easy task when a house is already in the process of being built on that foundation. She has 9 years of building that will need to be taken down in order to go back and properly place the bricks that will help to build a more solid foundation.

I read a quote recently that really hit home for me because it reminded of Elizabeth. It says this:



All too often I look at the negative aspects of parenting her. I feel drained by her and her antics. I feel that I don't know how to love her the way she needs me to. And I feel that out of all of my children I fail her the most as a mother.

But I need to find a way. She is just a little soul needing guidance and expressing it in the most difficult of ways. Perhaps her antics aren't an act of defiance, but rather a cry for help. Maybe her need to be the center of attention is less about what she is trying to say and more about her need to be seen.

I don't have the answers right now. I am not sure that I ever will, but like just about everything else in my life that I fail at I will keep getting up repeatedly to try again. Even if it means falling down 100 times. I will get up 101.

Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is also the most important thing I will ever do. I need to find a way to reach her and to parent her the way she needs to be parented. I need to find some common ground with her before it is too late.

Every Day Life and a Surprise, Too.

Sarah Marion amazes me just about every day. This disease has taken a lot from her and from us as a family, but it has also given us an awful lot too. I guess you could call it the silver lining. I try to find that silver lining more and more because it is what sustains the Hope that lives within me. Hope that one day Sarah might be able to see again. Hope in knowing that if she does not ever see again she will still live an amazing life. Hope....

Although Sarah is studying braille and using an abacus for math she still has many subjects that she does that are written for the seeing learner. Because of this I spend a lot of time reading her textbooks to her and then finding ways in which to modify the assignment in order to make it more user friendly for her. One example of this is her science material. We just finished up a science book that dealt a lot with animals and Sarah decided to pick a human anatomy science textbook as her next book. This science textbook comes with a lot of cool material and projects, but a lot of that is with handouts where you label different things or parts of the body. About a month ago, Sarah was working on the parts of a cell and the ditto that came with the assignment would have been of no use to her as he could not see what the handout was asking her to label, so I decided to make a cell that Sarah could learn from. I gathered up different types of candy that could represent the different parts of a cell. I used a hot glue gun to glue the pieces that Sarah has placed inside her cell. I had her use a piece of yarn to create the outside (or membrane) of the cell so that she could feel where the cell boundaries were and place the candies accordingly. She then wrote in braille what each piece candy represented and then we connected a piece of yarn from the braille word to the place it was inside the cell. This way Sarah could read the word, follow the string to its counterpart inside the cell and she would know what represented what. The end result of her cell can be seen below. 

This is just one example of many showing how Sarah learns and how I teach her. It is hard and there are days where I wish that I did not have to do the extra work, but Bob and I are trying to teach Sarah that she can do just about everything everyone else can she just needs to go about it differently. I need to make sure that I am modeling this behavior for her as a teacher with a good attitude so that she will (hopefully) pick up on that and apply it in her own life when she is struggling and wants give up because living life as a sighted person is so much easier than living life as a blind person. 

This is Sarah beginning her project. She is feeling the outside of the construction paper so she knows where her boundaries are when placing her yarn. 

This is the textbook that I read to her from. It is pretty cool. 

Sarah making the labels for the different parts of her cell. 

Sarah's cell. 

On a side note - Sarah has been asking for a tandem bike for quite a while. She can still physically ride a regular bike but because she cannot see what cars are coming or going, or where bumps are in the road or sidewalk, or where the road turns it just isn't safe for Sarah to ride a bike right now. As surprise to her Bob and I ordered her a tandem bike which will allow Sarah to have the freedom to ride again and gives Bob and I some peace of mind that she will be safe when riding. She is constantly asking for one of us to take her for a ride and most of the time we are able to oblige her. The boys are really good sports about taking her around. She was super excited when the box arrived on our doorstep and even more excited when its contents were revealed to her. This is just another way in which we are trying to show Sarah that she can do everything everyone else can she just needs to go about getting the end result a bit differently.

Bob and Andy opening the box. Sarah still does not know what it is. 

Box is opened. Sarah is feeling the contents inside. A smile ensues. 

Andy, ever the helper, is putting together the bike with Bob. 

Andy asking us to ship him to Ohio and showing us that he would fit inside the box if only we would send him....

Getting ready for the maiden voyage. 

Success!

Mom and Sarah going for our first ride. Lily coming with us - making sure we are safe. 

Aguirre Springs & Some Sunsets

 I still pinch myself that I get to live somewhere as beautiful as it is here in New Mexico. Just writing the words, ' I live in New Mexico', is still so exotic to me. I don't think that feeling will ever go away. New Mexico rocks and I am amazed that I have been given the privilege of being able to call this place my home. I am nervous that the next place we are sent to live will pale in comparision with all of the beauty that I am surrounded with in the land of enchantment.

One of the trails that we have visited, but never hiked all the way around is Aguirre Springs. Located in the town of Organ, NM it is about a 25 minute ride from our house. It is located on the opposite side of the Organ Mountains that face Las Cruces and is just beyond the pass that allows those of us in Cruces to get to cities such as Alamogordo, Cloud Croft, Ruidoso, and beyond.

Its beauty cannot truly be shown in pictures. As (part of) my family and I hiked this trail I kept stopping to just stare at the stunning beauty around us. High in mountains, I was amazed and humbled at God's creation. I wish that everyone had the desire and means to travel and see all that this world has to offer. I am spellbound by the wild and free spirit that mother nature embraces in the Southwest. My heart is filled with gratitude every time I step out of the confines of my own home and into the home that mother nature calls her own. I am so lucky to get to live my life. So very lucky and very thankful.

One of my favorite hiking companions of all time. 

There were a ton of trees in the mountains because of the high elevation that we were climbing at. I was amazed at all the trees that had been struck by lightning. This tree is just one of the victims of the thunder storms that roll through this part of the country in August. 

Oh, this spirit of this child is so very hard to tame. I don't think I will ever be able to corral her wild nature. I wish I was excited by life as she constantly seems to be. 

Sammy enjoying a break. 

Water!!! How happy these two were for the few streams we had to go through on this hike. The snow melt had just about finished by the time we took this hike a couple of weekends ago and the dogs got to benefit from that event. 

Halfway! I will not lie - around this point I was done hiking. The entire first half and part of the second half of the hike is uphill. I think I read that the elevation increases by 1020 feet on this hike. That air sure does change making it harder for someone who isn't in the best shape to climb. 

Another lightning victim. 

Living in the desert doesn't afford me too many opportunities to be around tall trees such as this one. Trees have always had significant meaning in my life both for their ability to survive in many different conditions, their deep roots below the grounds surface, and their ability to bend without breaking. 

A boy (almost man) and his dogs...

 

Our backyard is one of my favorite parts about our house. I love that it affords us stunning sunsets most of the time. Here are a couple of sunsets that I could not help sharing. I swear sometimes you can angels in these sunsets. Their beauty in unforgettable. 

Life is good in Las Cruces. 

Charlotte & Ruby

Charlotte

Sarah has long been wanting a pet of her own. It has been months and months since she first began asking for an animal that she alone could be responsible for. At first, I thought this was just a child's wish that would soon fade when the next "it" thing came around, but after time the hope did not subside for an animal of her own and I began to seriously contemplate the idea of a pet for Sarah. I wanted to make sure that it was small, but too small, and easy to care for. We talked about getting a turtle, hamster, kitten, rabbit, and then finally, a guinea pig. I talked to Bob about the idea at which he first balked, but when I explained the importance to Sarah to have something that depended on her for its care and how much that meant to her since she feels that she relies so much on everyone else to help care for her, he relented and agreed to get a guinea pig as long as he did not have to deal with the cost or care of the animal.

Ruby

After doing our research we found out that guinea pigs actually do better in pairs. They are very social animals and prefer to live with another of its own kind. After exploring a couple of pets stores in town we fell in love with these two gals whom now call Charlotte and Ruby. Rudy is Sarah's pet. Charlotte is for the rest of the kids, but Sarah takes care of Charlotte as well when the other kids are off doing other things.

These girls are very cute. Ruby is very active and constantly on the go. Charlotte is pretty calm and will just sit in your lap for as long as you are willing to have her there. Although we have only had them for a week they have been wonderful additions to our family, and more importantly have been instrumental in helping to build Sarah's fragile self esteem up again.

Welcome to this crazy family, Ruby and Charlotte!

Miss Charlotte

The girls getting into trouble.

The girls escaping trouble.

The girls snuggling between some pillows. 

May We All Be So Brave, Sarah

From the very beginning of this journey that we have been on with Sarah, Bob and I have always made a vow that Sarah would lead as "normal" a life as possible. We determined that being blind would not be an excuse or a deterrent for Sarah to lead the life that she was meant to lead. Throughout all of the questions and uncertainty that surrounds you when you are the parent of a child who is facing medical unknowns this frame of mind was the one thing that we did not budge on. Sarah was still going to lead a life full of wonder, beauty, love, accomplishment, and contentment. There would be no dead end for Sarah only road blocks. And road blocks, although frustrating at times, do not mean the end of a journey. They just lead us down a different path where the outcome remains the same.

It is no surprise that Sarah is amazing. She inspires even the most hardened of us and allows us to see what living a life full of grace really means.  Sarah, in short, is Hope. Hope of good things yet to come. Hope of how to get up time and time again when one stumbles and faces a dark path and prognosis. Hope of how not to let life keep one down when that is clearly the easiest path to journey down. Hope of how there is beauty even the ugliest circumstances. Hope of how there is Light even in the darkest of Dark.


A friend of mine is very inspired by Sarah and the success she has made of herself. My friend is a speech pathologist for a local public elementary school here in town and felt that Sarah's life was such a positive story of hope and overcoming hardship that she asked Sarah to come into her classroom and speak to her students about what it means to be living in today's world as blind young person.

So, on February 29, 2016 Sarah did just that. She spoke (with my help) to a classroom of children about what caused her blindness and what things she is doing today to lead a successful life. She showed the students how to use an abacus for math, a braille writer to write braille, and then showed them how to read braille. She also did a demonstration on how to use her cane and then had the students try it out themselves.

I was so proud of Sarah. I was proud of her because she has become so shy since going blind. So withdrawn at times. She spoke clearly and openly with these kids. She came out of her shell and it was one of the best moments of our journey into living this new life. She smiled and laughed. She corrected me when I would say something incorrectly. She did an awesome job.

I have no doubt that Sarah Marion is destined for great things. This was just the first step of many, many more things to come. I wish you all could have seen her shine. It was breathtaking. And I could not help but feel like I was standing on top of a mountain with my fists in the air and shouting at this disease the words, "You will not keep us down!  We are unbeatable as a family. She is unbeatable! She is stronger than you and she will win the war!"

May we all be so brave as to live the life that Sarah does so well. A life that faces fear and uncertainty with a determined spirit and keeps moving forward one step at a time.