I have been doing this mom thing for almost 16 years. (Wow, can you believe that?!) I have four children with completely different personalities, and I think it is fair to say that I have seen a lot when it comes to parenting. One of my biggest parenting fears was/is having teenagers in my house. I can clearly remember how hard it was for me and my parents during my teenage years and I wasn't sure that I could handle that as a parent x 4. I wasn't sure that I was equipped with what I would need to make it out of those years and be able to call them successful with my relationship in tact with all four of my kiddos. I can remember joking with Bob when the kids were really little how "one day far into the future" the kids would be 18, 16, 14, and 12 and how awful that would be because who would want to live with four moody and mouthy teenagers?
For the last few years my fears have been unfounded as Andy became an adolescent and then a teenager. The mouthiness, moodiness, and sullenness just didn't ever really happen. I was surprised by this because I thought all teenagers were supposed to hate their parents and be withdrawn and smart mouthed. At least that is what we are told, right? When kids become teenagers they are supposed to think we are idiots and know nothing of importance. They are supposed to hold their friendships more sacred than their family ties and they are supposed to be distant and withdrawn, right? Well, not really...at least this hasn't been my experience.
I am inclined to think that Andy is just a very, very unique and special soul. He and I have just always gotten along. He likes to have his alone time because he is an introvert and I don't think that this has much to do with him being a teenager because he has always been this way. We don't get into fights, and when we disagree about something it is a discussion that we have back and forth until a solution is reached rather than a shouting match where I am deemed right because I am the parent. Andy has been easy on me as a mother and for that I am grateful beyond measure. I just assumed that all of my kids were going to be this easy because usually they follow Andy's path in most instances, so it came as a rather unpleasant shock when two or three weeks ago I realized that there actually is a true teenager living among us....and his name is Josh.
My buddy Josh is becoming a milder version of your typical teenager. He has a comment for everything, usually negative, or a smart remark. He is becoming argumentative at times. He is moody and sometimes withdrawn. He is hurtful to me in his remarks. And I find myself at a loss when it comes to parenting him. A couple of weeks ago he did something that hurt me so badly he made my cry and he couldn't even see what it was that he had done. This was the pivotal moment in which I realized that a teenager was living among us...
If I am being honest with you, I wanted to lash out and hurt him right back. I wanted to sneak down to a teenage level myself and make a few snide remarks back. Instead I choose to close my mouth and count to 10 and then 20 until my anger subsided. That in itself was a victory for me. I need to remember that he is lashing out at me the most because I am the one who is closest to him. I know that he shares the most with me and that he feels closest to me out of almost all other adults in his life. I need to not ruin that trust and that closeness even when not doing so hurts me because of the actions or words being spoken by my son. I need to prove that I am an anchor for him in the waters of teenage life and that no matter if there is smooth sailing or rough seas my anchor will be firmly placed, holding steady, always. I need to show him that he cannot push me away; cannot make me not love him; cannot turn me away from him. I am here for him. I will steady and constant and always there when he needs me. Instead of rushing to him to make sure he is okay, as I would have done in his younger years, I will let him try and figure things out on his own all the while quietly letting him know I am here if he needs me.
It is difficult because my son is beginning to see me less as his mom and more as a human being - flaws and all. And he is calling me on my flaws when he sees them. Andy was gracious enough to never do this and, although I feel it is fair for Josh to do so, I don't like the feeling.
It is so very important for me to remember that Josh is not rejecting me, but rather just trying to find his own way in this world. And that this is a good thing because it means he is trying to learn to go out on his own bit by bit - and that is the point of having children - to raise them to be the best versions of themselves who then go out into the world and live fulfilling lives filled with honor and truth and generosity.
But still. This time is hard for me and will, no doubt, get harder still. And I need to remember that no matter how much it hurts it is not personal. I need to remember that I am the adult and that my child is behaving in an unfamiliar way sometimes because he is just trying to become more familiar with who he is authentically outside of the realm of being a son and brother in our family. He is trying to find out where the wings we have been grooming him with will take him, and that should be a good thing. I just never imagined something that is supposed to be so good could sometimes hurt so much.
Yes, there is definitely a teenager among us. And I don't think that feeling is going to go away any time soon, so I better learn to handle this changing tide before it takes me under.
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