It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. This will most likely be my last post from New Mexico. The movers are coming tomorrow and are planning on spending two days at the house packing up our belongings. I am not sure if they are going to wait and pack up the computer on Wednesday or if they will pack it up tomorrow. I have sold & given away so much of our stuff that I am not sure that we even need people here for two days as I think we are moving to Portland with less personal belongings than when we moved to New Mexico from Ohio.
Looking back, I am so thankful that life was so busy these last few weeks because I could't have taken this broken feeling in my heart for that long. Now that just about everything is settled and we are just about ready to go I feel this uneasy heaviness in my chest. I feel like screaming out to God that there are so many more things I want to see here and so many more experiences I want to have here before I move away.
I had that feeling last night when I was watching my kiddos swim with some of the soccer families we have grown to love - it is the same one I had in Ohio when leaving to come to New Mexico - it is almost an anger with myself and I couldn't help silently questioning why can't this life be enough for me?! Why do I have a seekers heart? Why must I want to explore and travel and see new places and meet new people? Why can I not just be content with where I am and establish roots and stay planted? And the quiet voice of God whispered in my ear a crystal clear truth: had I not had a seekers heart I would never have met these people and this place that I love passionately and truly. I would have never had some of the best experiences of my life because I would have been in Ohio this whole time. We would have never gone to the Grand Canyon with my family, which was a dream of my mom's, had we not moved out here. Andy would have never been tested and learned that some things are worth fighting to have such as he did to earn a spot on the JV soccer team here in town. Josh would have never learned that sometimes what is perceived as the "best" really isn't and that loyalty and staying true to oneself are more important than talent any day of the week as he did when he walked away from tryouts with the "best" team in town with one of his closest buddies to form a new soccer team. (This soccer team did amazing. Josh and his buddies took first place in 4 out of 5 tournaments this year and came in second in that fifth one.) Sarah would not have put herself outside her comfort zone and tried new things had she not been placed in a situation where her closest friends were no where to be found. She would not have learned that she can be a wonderful gymnast had we not moved to New Mexico. Elizabeth would not have known how easy she can make acquaintances had we not ventured to a place where she had to start over again. She would not have learned that she is very versatile, and can adapt anywhere as long as she has the foundation of her family with her.
As for me? I would not have learned that there is beauty to be had even in the places where you think it could not be found. I have learned that there is nothing quite like sitting on top of a mountain watching the sunrise with the wind blowing gently in your face. I have learned that God truly is an artist and has created some of the most amazing beauty here in New Mexico. I have learned that there are some places so beautiful that no matter how many times you go there each time seems like the first and again and again the beauty takes your breath away.
I have learned other things too. Super important things like how easy it is to have an opinion on things such as immigration and illegal aliens in this country when you live so far from the problem, but that once you live in a community where that issue is very much real what once seems black and white becomes very, very gray. I have learned amazing lessons on racism and what it means to be a minority. I have learned that some people think being born with white skin makes them somehow better, and how wrong and ignorant those people really are. I have learned that the majority of a population can look beyond the color of ones skin as the Hispanic community did here for me. I have never felt more at home than I did when I was with my Hispanic friends. The love, kindness, and openness they showered me with was a lesson I will carry with me forever. I have also learned that the media perpetuates racism by the stories they choose to share with the nation and the world. Yes, there are terrible things that white people do to other races, but there are terrible things that white people to do other white people. And there are terrible things that black, Hispanic, Asian, etc... people do to other races just as there are terrible things they do to their own races. And while we should acknowledge those bad things we should celebrate and acknowledge all of the good things that we do for each other as well. Or here's a novel idea: what if we took race out of the equation altogether? What if in the media instead of focusing on the color of one's skin what if we just reported in the news that one person helped another or that one person hurt another? Why does the color of one's skin have to come into play at all? We are all human beings. We are all made of the same pieces and parts. We all experience the same emotions. I don't think I would have learned so much about race had I not moved to a place where I was a minority. I wish everyone got to experience what it feels like to be a minority. It is life changing and eye opening and inspiring.
Today the kids and I are heading up to Cloudcroft and are going to be stopping at White Sands on the way home. I am going to be an emotional mess as today officially begins our farewell tour of this great state. Tomorrow after the movers leave Josh has his last soccer get together with his team. On Wednesday I am planning on heading up A Mountain one last time. And on Thursday I am going to visit Soledad Canyon. In the evening we will have dinner with our closest friends here and then head to the hotel we are staying at afterwards. On Friday we are heading out towards our next destination. We plan on arriving in Portland on Monday. We are going to take our time on this trip and plan on traveling about 400 miles per day.
I will take pictures to share with you all of both our last moments here and our journey to Portland. The moving truck is scheduled to arrive somewhere between the 14th -20th of June with our belongings. Once we have unpacked and gotten everything in place I will be sure to jump back on and fill you in on the details.
There is so much I want to say because there is so much that living here has shown me and taught me, but I am not sure that I will be able to adequately describe those experiences. I am irrevocably changed by my experiences here. I will carry New Mexico and it's people in my heart forever and ever and always. In some ways, living here has felt more like home than any other place I have lived. How I wish that feeling was enough. How I wish that my love for this state and it's people were enough to keep my feet on the ground here long enough to see my children grow. But alas, I have a wanderers heart. I am a gypsy in some ways I suppose, and the pull of adventure and new experiences is stronger than the desire to stay. So, onto Portland we will go. I suppose a post will one day be written just like this about Portland just as it was for Ohio and New Mexico. I am excited to see what life has in store for our family in the future. I plan on savoring each moment in Portland. I plan on experiencing all that the Pacific Northwest has to offer. I want to live life with my kids and my husband. I want to look back when our time there is up and know that not a moment was wasted. After all, how we live our moments is how we live our lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment