Raw & Real

Raw. 

I want to scrub off all of my layers and all of my scabs until I am raw.

To peel away all of the expectations, notions, concepts, and ideas I have about myself 

and who I should be. 

I want to take off the amour that I use to protect myself from not only the world around me, 

but also from the person within. 

Like the Velveteen Rabbit I long to be Real.

But I am far from my youth when I was most myself.

Most raw. 

Instead time has taught me to protect myself. 

To act one way or believe this.

To say this or to value that. 

Being different is not accepted. Follow protocol. Be the norm. 

And so I learned one painful experience at a time

To protect those parts of me that are most true. 

And to keep them hidden from the world.

And I have.

I thought that in adding those layers

I was protecting myself.

But in reality I was only adding fuel to the fire that burned within. 

In the beginning it smoldered.

But when I didn't know how to put it out

The fire began to get bigger and harder to handle.

The heat exhausted me. 

I thought that I could outrun the fire. 

That there were places of myself that would be protected from the inferno

raging within.

I failed to recognize that although I can run from many things in my life

I cannot run from me.  

And as the fire crested the Darkness set in.

And I could not understand why.

It was once I knew that I was licked

That I could never fight both the fire and the Darkness

That I surrendered. 

That I am surrendering still. 

To trust the quiet voice within 

Means surrendering all of the layers

And walls that I have placed around myself

As protection.

It means living life real and raw.

And it is so very difficult for me.

It is my most difficult life's work.

The fire will rage from time time.

And the Darkness will come.

But only to remind me that I am getting off track.

That I am not living Real. 

But maybe, just maybe

I was looking at the fire wrong this whole time.

Maybe the fire was only meant to burn away the parts of me

That aren't true.

That aren't authentic

Maybe, because I am stubborn, the fire had to rage

within in order to bring me to my knees

and recognize that a change was needed.

That I could not go on living with all of these layers anymore.

I want to live life Real.

I want to live life raw. 

That means getting hurt from time to time.

But what it means even more

Is that I will get to experience true joy. 

And love.

Because in protecting myself all of this time

I was protecting myself from hurt

But I was keeping out the joy and love. 

And I don't want to live that way any more. 

I cannot live that way anymore.

So I will shed layer by layer

Until I am raw.

And it is then that I will find the most Real me 

Unprotected

And Open
Then I will be Free. 

.