Elizabeth and Andy are asleep upstairs. I wonder if they are dreaming as I type these words. Joshua is at school slogging through his first three periods - his least favorite. I got up this morning to see him off. Monday's are my only time to do so as I work in the early, early mornings Tuesday through Saturday. Bob and Sarah are in Ohio heading to the Cleveland Clinic today for a check up for Sarah. She will have an MRI and then meet with her neurologist to discuss the results and the progression that her disease has made. Sarah thinks new lesions will be found on her brain. I pray to God that this is not so. I hope He hears me.
I have been thinking a lot about death lately. Specifically how it relates to life, and the life that I choose to lead. What is important to me? I mean, what is really and truly important? Is it prestige? It is riches? Is it family? Is it a career? Is it homemaking? Is it being the best mom and wife I can be? Is it health? Is it faith?
So often I spend my days leaning in so close to the details of my life that everything get blurred and confusing. Trying to chase all of the details of my life and contain them all - control them. It is exhausting. And completely worthless. If I take a longer lens and lean back from life and imagine how I will see it when I am 85 what will matter then? What will be important?
Answers to these questions arrive in glimpses. A moment here and there when I can see with full clarity. This has been happening for a couple of years. It started once people I knew began dying. People who shouldn't have - young mothers and fathers and babies - people who could just have easily been me. Then the moment passes, and I am back to my fully neurotic ways of leaning in way too close to my life. Focusing on the wrong things. Missing the ones that truly matter.
I know that many people dread getting older. They hide their age and pretend they are younger. Not me. I have always embraced getting older because it means I am still alive. It means that I have gained wisdom that I didn't even understand or know existed in my younger years. I have earned my years. Some years have been beautiful. Others brutal. But I have earned every single one. I turn 40 next May and I am really excited about that.
But I also don't want to rush time either. God willing, getting older will be a smooth transition and I will be able to fully enjoy life, but I know that this is not guaranteed either. I have seen too many people who have not aged well as life takes a cruel twist and robs them of a life they have earned to live.
My goal in life is to get to a place where my glimpses of the clarity I seek in this life will become something more than just a moment in time. I want to learn to live my life where the majority of time spent here on earth is lived with harmony within. The war and chaos within has to stop or it will destroy me. Maybe that is what all of my unhappiness has been about? Maybe I am just living out of tune with myself, and my aging mind and body just doesn't have the patience for that blatant abuse of my limited breaths here on earth. Maybe my unhappiness stems from the inner voice within screaming: abort!, abort!, abort! when I am living a life that is not truly mine.
I seem to come to this place of stripping down emotionally naked every so often. I begin the process of doing so, and then I begin to lean in too closely to life again, and all of the work that I have done gets put on the back burner as I frantically try to gain "control" of my life. A younger version of myself might have been angry with me for not getting the work all done or seen its lack of completion as a failure. This is not how the 39 year old me sees it. I see the previous work I have done as laying brick work for the future foundation I will build all of my moments on. Each time I strip down bare I learn something new. And even when it seems like I will never be able to move forward because I have leaned into my life yet again and got caught up in the nonsensical and non-important details of life - what I have learned is still there buried within. You can never rid yourself of your moments of clarity. Even if it feels like you have lost them or buried them too deep to ever recover them - they are always there waiting to be recalled and found. Authenticity is always waiting for you and I to grab it. It is the unique instruction manual we have each been given when we were born to this earth. It is there to receive when we step out of the madness and distractions of this life.
I find myself doing to hard work of stripping down again. I do not dread this work because as I walk this path time and again I am finding it easier to find my way back. When I take the time to remember what it feels like to live in harmony with myself the answers to what I need to change in my life right now come pouring down like rain. Instead of being afraid of drowning, like I so often experience when I am leaning in to my life too closely and paying attention to the wrong things, I welcome the answers with open arms. I take each one in and make the steps needed to live the only way I can and find peace within myself: authentically.
And so I will make changes in my life, knowing full well that I may have to make these same changes again one day in the future, but also knowing that each time I do so I am making a path back to myself so that when I come to this point again finding my way back is that much easier. This process, which I once saw as a burden, I know now is a gift. I am a Seeker. I am always seeking and will continue to seek all of the days of my life. I also wonder if I will always get lost. Maybe the gift of aging is that you are able to catch yourself wandering off of your own path quicker than in your youth, so you can right yourself faster and live in harmony for longer periods of time?
Yesterday, after Bob and Sarah left for Ohio, the three remaining kids and I hung out most of the afternoon. We watched a movie together, played card games, board games, and a game Andy made up. We made dinner together - all of us in the kitchen doing our part, and then we cleaned up together. The boys asked to play video games for a bit, so Elizabeth and I watched a TV show together. At 8 pm the boys got off of electronics and instead of getting ready for the week they all came down to the school room table wanting to play more games. And so we did. And it was a good afternoon that felt just as it should. It felt right and in tune. I want more days like that. I want to have more days where I am WITH my kids with ALL of me. I can only do that when I am living in harmony with myself which means I need to take the time to recall what that looks like for me in my life. Because as I was reminded yet again last week, this time here on earth is not guaranteed. I need to stop wasting my moments leaning in to the unimportant details of my life.
Monday, August 27, 2018
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Pioneer Park
One of my favorite things about Ohio is its trail system. Northeast Ohio in particular
has an abundance of trails and parks to visit. I can remember when the kids were little, walking around those parks and trails season after season, year after year. They bring me comfort now in the way that most things do that bring nostalgia.
I have found two parks here in Indiana that are similar to those I frequented in Ohio. One of them is Pioneer Park. The park has a huge area of walking trails, playgrounds, soccer fields, baseball fields, a water park, and a river. And, you''ll never believe it, but the water is actually warm enough to walk around in without freezing. (Take note Pacific Northwest.)
Because our lives are so busy and harried right now I asked the kids if they would humor me on Sunday and go to the park for an hour or so just to be together away from the pulls of every day life. Thankfully, they did so, and we ended up spending a good amount of time wading in the river and sitting by its edge just being together as a whole family unit. It was my favorite part of the whole weekend.
I think that our family will spend a good amount of time here. It will be a good way to mark our time and the passing of the seasons. I can only imagine what they will each bring.
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| I will always remember my first trip back to Ohio after having moved to the desert and seeing how green it really is here. The different shades of green found in this part of the country were a shock to my senses and I was amazed that I never noticed just how many shades of green there are. I saw this tree and its surround brush on Sunday and it reminded of stepping off of the plane and being surrounded by such color. |
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| Teeny tiny shells. |
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| Almost fell in. |
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| Lily rubbing herself in the dirt. |
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| All done. |
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| Elizabeth was exfoliating my leg. She should open up a spa someday. She is the BEST massager I have ever known and loves to do things like exfoliate other peoples skin. |
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| I don't know why but I was captivated by this root system. I loved the complexity and depth of it. |
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
His Love of the Game
Josh is back. The kid who loves soccer through and through and it shows. The kid who gives 110% every play in every game. The kid who plays the entire game because he is too valuable to be subbed out. This kid. The one in the pictures below.
It is so good to have him back. I wasn't the only one that Portland did a mental number on. Josh suffered there too. And it was really hard to watch the light and love he has for this game almost become extinguished because he was so discouraged.
I am so proud of him for sticking with it and not giving up. Even when he wanted to because it was that rough for him.
Hearing the announcer call his name and number is amazing. Watching him assist with a goal or score a goal himself is amazing. (He is tied for the #1 spot at highest goal scorer on the varsity team.) Watching him bond with this group of boys is amazing.
These next two years of high school ball are going to fly by. But I plan on savoring every single minute of every single game. Because I am not the only one who is super thankful for this opportunity to play soccer at this high school. There is a tough, hardworking, 16 year old young man who is just as thankful - if not more so.
P.S. My kid is so handsome. He is really and truly becoming a young man and as he grows into his own body he becomes even more handsome,
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| For some reason my kid is the one without a shirt on. |
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| Getting ready for his first official introduction over the loudspeaker. |
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| The starting varsity lineup. Josh is second from the left. |
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| I love the way they put their arms around each other. Josh's Rio Rapids soccer team used to do this and they were as much as a brotherhood as any group of boys could be. |
Monday, August 20, 2018
1000 Tomorrows
Yesterday I received news I knew was coming, but wasn't quite ready for when it came. It seemed too soon and too sudden. Although, this is always the case when death greets those of us who have not been granted the privilege of growing old.
He was a 40-something year old family man that I used to work with. Our families hung out with each other outside of work for a while before losing touch, as life is wont to do when raising families. I knew his wife better as I worked with her for a longer period of time, but I guess those details don't really matter. What matters is that a wife and two daughters lost their husband and father yesterday to disease that caused all kinds of chaos in their lives over the five years they knew it lived inside of him. Yesterday, the world lost a funny, kind, laid back family man. The world lost a devoted family man. Jack loved his family something fierce. It was always clear to me that they were his number one priority.
When I receive news of an untimely death I always reflect on the deceased's life and wonder how many things there were that he/she wished he had done differently. What would she tell me if she could greet me in the land of the living for just a couple of minutes? Is there anything that he would tell me to do differently? Is there anything that she would say that would change the course of my life? What lesson can I learn from his death? How can I use this tragedy and make it feel like it was not for nothing? So that the family who's hearts have been broken open by this person's absence on this earth can see that good has come from such a horrible painful experience.
Death has indirectly found its way to my door multiple times over these last four years, and I have found that because I am so sensitive, these deaths have weighed more heavily on me than they would perhaps for most. I think about the father from the public school my kids went to, the boy scout dad, whose wife was part of the PTA with me, who was on vacation with his wife one week and gone a week or two later. I think about the mom I met through Bobby years and years ago who very suddenly left behind a husband and two small children - children who will not remember their mother. I think the most about the sweet miracle baby who was born despite all odds stacked against her who lived a little over three weeks. And now, I think about this man, whose odds were not in his favor 5 years ago when he was diagnosed with the disease that would one day be the cause of his demise.
I think about these people (and those they have left behind) on and off through the course of the year. As my mind wanders I always come back to this question: If the deceased could share one piece of advice with me what would it be?
The one answer that I hear whispered in my ear is the:
Don't live life as if I am granted 1000 tomorrows.
Life is not just or fair and in the blink of an eye it could all be gone. I know this. I have seen it time and time again now. I have seen a handful of people taken from this earth just like that with no rhyme or reason. People who by all measures shouldn't be the ones gone - babies, young fathers, and young mothers.
And yet. Yet I live as if I have more than 1000 tomorrows. I live my life as if I have an infinite amount of them. I live my days foolishly. I waste them. Instead of being conscientious of my limited time here on earth I spend most of my time on automatic pilot. I go through the motions and live my life as if I am a robot with no joy or extended gratitude over each breath I have the privilege of taking.
All of life is a privilege. Both sides of the coin, the yin and the yang, the good and the bad. ALL a privilege. Because the only other option is death. And while I hope someday (when I am 107) to welcome death's call I am not ready yet. There is still so much I want to see and do, to experience, to learn. But isn't that what all of those who have preceded me with their untimely deaths would say?
Because having 1000 tomorrows doesn't happen for us all. I am not guaranteed that it will happen for me, so maybe I should stop living my life as if I am.
He was a 40-something year old family man that I used to work with. Our families hung out with each other outside of work for a while before losing touch, as life is wont to do when raising families. I knew his wife better as I worked with her for a longer period of time, but I guess those details don't really matter. What matters is that a wife and two daughters lost their husband and father yesterday to disease that caused all kinds of chaos in their lives over the five years they knew it lived inside of him. Yesterday, the world lost a funny, kind, laid back family man. The world lost a devoted family man. Jack loved his family something fierce. It was always clear to me that they were his number one priority.
When I receive news of an untimely death I always reflect on the deceased's life and wonder how many things there were that he/she wished he had done differently. What would she tell me if she could greet me in the land of the living for just a couple of minutes? Is there anything that he would tell me to do differently? Is there anything that she would say that would change the course of my life? What lesson can I learn from his death? How can I use this tragedy and make it feel like it was not for nothing? So that the family who's hearts have been broken open by this person's absence on this earth can see that good has come from such a horrible painful experience.
Death has indirectly found its way to my door multiple times over these last four years, and I have found that because I am so sensitive, these deaths have weighed more heavily on me than they would perhaps for most. I think about the father from the public school my kids went to, the boy scout dad, whose wife was part of the PTA with me, who was on vacation with his wife one week and gone a week or two later. I think about the mom I met through Bobby years and years ago who very suddenly left behind a husband and two small children - children who will not remember their mother. I think the most about the sweet miracle baby who was born despite all odds stacked against her who lived a little over three weeks. And now, I think about this man, whose odds were not in his favor 5 years ago when he was diagnosed with the disease that would one day be the cause of his demise.
I think about these people (and those they have left behind) on and off through the course of the year. As my mind wanders I always come back to this question: If the deceased could share one piece of advice with me what would it be?
The one answer that I hear whispered in my ear is the:
Don't live life as if I am granted 1000 tomorrows.
Life is not just or fair and in the blink of an eye it could all be gone. I know this. I have seen it time and time again now. I have seen a handful of people taken from this earth just like that with no rhyme or reason. People who by all measures shouldn't be the ones gone - babies, young fathers, and young mothers.
And yet. Yet I live as if I have more than 1000 tomorrows. I live my life as if I have an infinite amount of them. I live my days foolishly. I waste them. Instead of being conscientious of my limited time here on earth I spend most of my time on automatic pilot. I go through the motions and live my life as if I am a robot with no joy or extended gratitude over each breath I have the privilege of taking.
All of life is a privilege. Both sides of the coin, the yin and the yang, the good and the bad. ALL a privilege. Because the only other option is death. And while I hope someday (when I am 107) to welcome death's call I am not ready yet. There is still so much I want to see and do, to experience, to learn. But isn't that what all of those who have preceded me with their untimely deaths would say?
Because having 1000 tomorrows doesn't happen for us all. I am not guaranteed that it will happen for me, so maybe I should stop living my life as if I am.
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| (Photo courtesy of: quotefancy.com) |
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Chasing Happiness
It is always around the corner. Just a bit out of reach. I tell myself I will find it "if only". If only I could become the perfect housekeeper, homeschooling mama, wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc... If only I could just get my health under control. If only I could change who I am. If only....
I will find it in the next move or the next job promotion. I will find it when our household income exceeds this dollar amount. I will find it when we live in a tiny house, or a house with acreage, or in New Mexico, Idaho, Montana (or any other place I have been to that truly captured my heart.) I will find happiness once I can take our whole family to Cape Cod again.
I cannot grasp it fully. This feeling of happiness has been a life long quest. It is exhausting. And wears out those closest to me.
I read of a continued feeling of happiness. That it is a choice. That my sustained desire for it is not out of my reach like I think it is, but rather within myself. It is a mind set. And I begin to wonder if my mind is not set and wired to hold on to that feeling for more than a fleeting moment. Because I DO feel it. Here and there. And when I feel it it feels amazing, but it leaves me so, so quickly. And so I criticize myself. I have so much to be happy about. What is wrong with me that I cannot live in an almost perpetual state of contentment?
Maybe instead of chasing this elusive feeling I should be asking myself what makes me feel happy? Maybe instead of suffocating the emotion when I feel it by trying to hold on to it I should instead stop and look at the environment that I am in and what is going on around me that is making me feel so good?
I am 39 years old. That number doesn't scare me. I don't fear growing older. I have earned my age. And I look forward to the years ahead of me. But I need to figure out this happiness thing because I don't want to spend the next 39 years chasing after something that is always seemingly at the tip of my fingers, but never within my grasp. It takes up too much of my energy and robs me of too much. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life without that feeling either. Something's got to give. I just don't know what.
I will find it in the next move or the next job promotion. I will find it when our household income exceeds this dollar amount. I will find it when we live in a tiny house, or a house with acreage, or in New Mexico, Idaho, Montana (or any other place I have been to that truly captured my heart.) I will find happiness once I can take our whole family to Cape Cod again.
I cannot grasp it fully. This feeling of happiness has been a life long quest. It is exhausting. And wears out those closest to me.
I read of a continued feeling of happiness. That it is a choice. That my sustained desire for it is not out of my reach like I think it is, but rather within myself. It is a mind set. And I begin to wonder if my mind is not set and wired to hold on to that feeling for more than a fleeting moment. Because I DO feel it. Here and there. And when I feel it it feels amazing, but it leaves me so, so quickly. And so I criticize myself. I have so much to be happy about. What is wrong with me that I cannot live in an almost perpetual state of contentment?
Maybe instead of chasing this elusive feeling I should be asking myself what makes me feel happy? Maybe instead of suffocating the emotion when I feel it by trying to hold on to it I should instead stop and look at the environment that I am in and what is going on around me that is making me feel so good?
I am 39 years old. That number doesn't scare me. I don't fear growing older. I have earned my age. And I look forward to the years ahead of me. But I need to figure out this happiness thing because I don't want to spend the next 39 years chasing after something that is always seemingly at the tip of my fingers, but never within my grasp. It takes up too much of my energy and robs me of too much. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life without that feeling either. Something's got to give. I just don't know what.
Monday, August 13, 2018
These Days
I find myself marveling at just how much our lives have changed in the last few months. Not only have we moved half way across the country, but the every day rhythm of our family has changed dramatically. I am not sure if I like these changes, but I know that the only promise in life is that life itself will change, so I am trying to go with the flow and embrace these new differences with an open heart.
With Josh in school full time and Sarah in school part time I am amazed at how most parents do this school thing with multiple children AND hold down full time jobs. I feel like I am in a whirlwind with only 1 and 1/4 of the children in public school while holding down a part time job. After having essentially been a stay at home mom for the last 8 years I am back in the working sector of the world at least part time, but eventually life may necessitate that I work full time. I feel a little lost because I don't know what I want to do career wise. The Visiting Angels work I was doing with the elderly didn't go very well - it was poorly managed and run, and left an awful taste in my mouth about ever working for a home health agency again. I cannot work in an assisted living community in Indiana because their licensing requirements are different than in Oregon. I am not able to go back to school to get the certificates I need because I refuse to add more student loan debt to what I already carry and I don't have the financial ability to pay cash for school - not with a senior and a junior in high school anyway. So, that leaves me feeling a bit lost about what I want to do. To complicate matters slightly more, I need to work odd hours (second, or even third shift, or early mornings) to allow me the freedom to homeschool those of our children who wish to stay home. Because of the deal our family made with the local school district I know that Josh will be coming home second semester of next year to finish the last 5 months of his schooling at home. I can see Elizabeth staying home for another year or two as well, and Sarah might end up staying home too. (She was extremely disappointed with the school for the blind. Bob and I are asking her to see it through until the end of the semester before she withdraws to see if the school grows on her.)
Andy is applying for jobs right now, and has an interview with UPS next week. I work there as well and he has applied to work the early morning shift with me, so that we can ride in together. I am excited for him as UPS is a great company to work for. Their base pay isn't bad and their benefits are amazing. Plus, our building just opened up last October and construction is still going on in its 1.2 million square feet which will create more jobs/growth opportunities as each leg of construction is completed. I think it will be a potentially great opportunity for Andy. I'm not so sure about me, but for now, I don't mind the work. I don't know if this is where I want to be long term. I need to have faith and trust that everything will work out as it should. It always does.
It seems as if someone is always coming or going in this house which is a new feeling for us. Josh is gone from 6:55 am to 5:45 pm Monday - Friday. His Saturdays are also taken up by soccer. Sarah, on the days she goes to the school for the blind, leaves at 6:30 am and gets home around 4 pm. I work from approximately 4:30 am - 9 am Tuesday - Saturday. Bob is gone Monday - Friday from 7:45 am - 5:30 pm. I only get to see Josh for a couple of hours each night as I go to bed by 9 pm to be able to get up at 3:45 am. I am at work when he gets up and leaves for school. I miss him terribly, but know that he needs this time away from us to be his own person. But even he has admitted that this new life he has chosen is a lot to adjust to. I think he will stick it out, but I am not certain. If soccer wasn't part of the equation I could see him asking to come home after this first semester. Because soccer is on the line I could see him sticking it out for that reason alone. He has adjusted to his classes very well. He is struggling a little bit in math, but I know that with some supplemental help he will be fine. He is not a big fan of having homework each night. He is used to being able to get all of his school work done during the day and then having his nights to himself. But that is par for the course of going to public school. You have to take the good with the bad.
I am amazed at how families live this life on a regular basis day in and day out. I couldn't imagine what our life would be like with four kids in public school and Bob and I both working full time day jobs. How would house cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping get done? The fact that the majority of people live this way just leaves me in awe. I feel like they know some secret on how to balance it all that I am in the dark about.
I miss our life as it used to be - as it was for the past 5 years - homeschooling everyone, being together as a family, staying home with them (almost) full time. But I also know, and have accepted, that this is how life is. This stage that we are living in right now has to happen in order to get everyone ready to leave the nest. Because someday it will just be Bobby and I. I am so excited about the life that we will have just the two of us, but I guess I never put much thought into the transitions that would need to take place in order to get to that point. Growing children can sometimes hurt - long after the pain of labor has subsided.
Most days I find myself thinking, at least once, how thankful I am for the last 5 years we had together as a family. I am thankful that my kids were cocooned from most of regular life. I am thankful that we resisted cell phones and almost all social media for the kids. I am thankful that they were here, at home, to grow and stretch and build a strong solid foundation for themselves. I think that is so much harder to do in the public school system, not impossible, but just so much harder to do. I am thankful that I have a husband who supported my vision to bring our kids home - to educate them here. I am thankful that when I wanted to quit homeschooling them the past couple of years that he talked me into continuing on with it because my kids are better off for it. My boys especially, have a strong sense of self, and I don't know that they would have that had we kept them in public school.
Letting Josh go back to public school was especially hard for me. I wish he would have chosen to stay home like Andy, but I have always promised my children that when/if they were ever ready to go back to public school I would let them. Staying true to my word was much more difficult for me than I thought, but I knew that he needed to go. Not so much for the educational piece, but because his wings have formed and he needs to have the ability to take flight from us. He needs to be able to make a life for himself on his own. And how can I deny him that? That, after all, is goal of parenting isn't it? Grow our children, protect them, give them a strong base, and when they are ready let them fly off on their own adventures - knowing all the while that they have us, their families, to fall back on should they need us.
Some days I worry that the job I have now will grow stale, and I will dread going into work. But then I remind myself that this is just a moment in time. That this too shall pass. That someday that elusive promotion that Bob has been told for years now is just around the corner will actually happen, and we will settle down somewhere for 5+ years. Someday, money won't be a concern. Someday all of the questions we have will be answered. Someday all of the things that have made no sense these last 5+ years will begin to crystallize. I would have to say that the number one thing I have learned in our travels these last four years (besides the fact that this country we live in is freaking gorgeous and breathtaking) is that nothing lasts forever. This knowledge once gave me such anxiety, but now gives me peace. Although, I miss life as it used to be, I am thankful that we got to have that life at all.
When I put aside the stresses of every day life, and step back and really look at the big picture, it doesn't really matter what kind of house I live in, or our income, or what city we call home at that moment in time. What matters is us. The six of us. All of the little stresses of life - sickness, paying bills, settling into a new town, etc...they don't really matter. Not when looking at the whole of a life. So, while I am missing our life as it used to be, I am also thankful for the life we have now. Because even though these days it seems as if we are all running in a million different directions, when we are all together I appreciate it more than I ever have. Being apart has allowed me to step back and see how wonderful what we had for the past 5 years was. I wouldn't have been able to do that had we not been where we are today.
Although I will always be a work in progress, these days I try really, really hard not to focus too much on the future because I don't really know what it is going to look like. Our family's future has never turned out like I imagined, but it has always turned out exactly as it was meant to. So, instead of focusing and planning a life that has not yet come I am trying really, really hard to see the life I already have right in front of me. Some days I am more successful at this than others.
I am proud of the family life that Bob and I have built together. We are certainly not perfect and we have made our share of colossal mistakes, but when I step back and look at the big picture? Wow. Who knew that two twenty year old kids could build something so beautiful?
These days? Life is good. And isn't good because we are in Indianapolis, or Portland, or Las Cruces, or Cuyahoga Falls. Life is good because we are together. And when I step back and really look, life will always be good - no matter where we are - because the six of us have each other. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. Till death due us part. We think that this vow applies just to marriage, but if you think about it, when a couple joins together to create a family of two and then creates a family of more this vow applies to all who make up that family. From our nucleus our children will go off and create their own families (if they choose), and then those families of theirs will take center stage and will become the most important relationship(s) in their lives. Bob and I will play a supporting role, but we will not longer be a major part of the whole of their lives. And that is how it should be.
For the first time in while, my heart is full. A lot of the anxiety I have been feeling has subsided because I am releasing what doesn't really matter when looking at the big picture. I am stepping back and taking stock of what is most important and focusing on those people/things that are what life should be about.
These days I feel incredibly blessed to be able to have the life I have. When I step back, I realize that this crazy imperfect life I have created with Bobby is something amazing. For that, I am so very thankful.
With Josh in school full time and Sarah in school part time I am amazed at how most parents do this school thing with multiple children AND hold down full time jobs. I feel like I am in a whirlwind with only 1 and 1/4 of the children in public school while holding down a part time job. After having essentially been a stay at home mom for the last 8 years I am back in the working sector of the world at least part time, but eventually life may necessitate that I work full time. I feel a little lost because I don't know what I want to do career wise. The Visiting Angels work I was doing with the elderly didn't go very well - it was poorly managed and run, and left an awful taste in my mouth about ever working for a home health agency again. I cannot work in an assisted living community in Indiana because their licensing requirements are different than in Oregon. I am not able to go back to school to get the certificates I need because I refuse to add more student loan debt to what I already carry and I don't have the financial ability to pay cash for school - not with a senior and a junior in high school anyway. So, that leaves me feeling a bit lost about what I want to do. To complicate matters slightly more, I need to work odd hours (second, or even third shift, or early mornings) to allow me the freedom to homeschool those of our children who wish to stay home. Because of the deal our family made with the local school district I know that Josh will be coming home second semester of next year to finish the last 5 months of his schooling at home. I can see Elizabeth staying home for another year or two as well, and Sarah might end up staying home too. (She was extremely disappointed with the school for the blind. Bob and I are asking her to see it through until the end of the semester before she withdraws to see if the school grows on her.)
Andy is applying for jobs right now, and has an interview with UPS next week. I work there as well and he has applied to work the early morning shift with me, so that we can ride in together. I am excited for him as UPS is a great company to work for. Their base pay isn't bad and their benefits are amazing. Plus, our building just opened up last October and construction is still going on in its 1.2 million square feet which will create more jobs/growth opportunities as each leg of construction is completed. I think it will be a potentially great opportunity for Andy. I'm not so sure about me, but for now, I don't mind the work. I don't know if this is where I want to be long term. I need to have faith and trust that everything will work out as it should. It always does.
It seems as if someone is always coming or going in this house which is a new feeling for us. Josh is gone from 6:55 am to 5:45 pm Monday - Friday. His Saturdays are also taken up by soccer. Sarah, on the days she goes to the school for the blind, leaves at 6:30 am and gets home around 4 pm. I work from approximately 4:30 am - 9 am Tuesday - Saturday. Bob is gone Monday - Friday from 7:45 am - 5:30 pm. I only get to see Josh for a couple of hours each night as I go to bed by 9 pm to be able to get up at 3:45 am. I am at work when he gets up and leaves for school. I miss him terribly, but know that he needs this time away from us to be his own person. But even he has admitted that this new life he has chosen is a lot to adjust to. I think he will stick it out, but I am not certain. If soccer wasn't part of the equation I could see him asking to come home after this first semester. Because soccer is on the line I could see him sticking it out for that reason alone. He has adjusted to his classes very well. He is struggling a little bit in math, but I know that with some supplemental help he will be fine. He is not a big fan of having homework each night. He is used to being able to get all of his school work done during the day and then having his nights to himself. But that is par for the course of going to public school. You have to take the good with the bad.
I am amazed at how families live this life on a regular basis day in and day out. I couldn't imagine what our life would be like with four kids in public school and Bob and I both working full time day jobs. How would house cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping get done? The fact that the majority of people live this way just leaves me in awe. I feel like they know some secret on how to balance it all that I am in the dark about.
I miss our life as it used to be - as it was for the past 5 years - homeschooling everyone, being together as a family, staying home with them (almost) full time. But I also know, and have accepted, that this is how life is. This stage that we are living in right now has to happen in order to get everyone ready to leave the nest. Because someday it will just be Bobby and I. I am so excited about the life that we will have just the two of us, but I guess I never put much thought into the transitions that would need to take place in order to get to that point. Growing children can sometimes hurt - long after the pain of labor has subsided.
Most days I find myself thinking, at least once, how thankful I am for the last 5 years we had together as a family. I am thankful that my kids were cocooned from most of regular life. I am thankful that we resisted cell phones and almost all social media for the kids. I am thankful that they were here, at home, to grow and stretch and build a strong solid foundation for themselves. I think that is so much harder to do in the public school system, not impossible, but just so much harder to do. I am thankful that I have a husband who supported my vision to bring our kids home - to educate them here. I am thankful that when I wanted to quit homeschooling them the past couple of years that he talked me into continuing on with it because my kids are better off for it. My boys especially, have a strong sense of self, and I don't know that they would have that had we kept them in public school.
Letting Josh go back to public school was especially hard for me. I wish he would have chosen to stay home like Andy, but I have always promised my children that when/if they were ever ready to go back to public school I would let them. Staying true to my word was much more difficult for me than I thought, but I knew that he needed to go. Not so much for the educational piece, but because his wings have formed and he needs to have the ability to take flight from us. He needs to be able to make a life for himself on his own. And how can I deny him that? That, after all, is goal of parenting isn't it? Grow our children, protect them, give them a strong base, and when they are ready let them fly off on their own adventures - knowing all the while that they have us, their families, to fall back on should they need us.
Some days I worry that the job I have now will grow stale, and I will dread going into work. But then I remind myself that this is just a moment in time. That this too shall pass. That someday that elusive promotion that Bob has been told for years now is just around the corner will actually happen, and we will settle down somewhere for 5+ years. Someday, money won't be a concern. Someday all of the questions we have will be answered. Someday all of the things that have made no sense these last 5+ years will begin to crystallize. I would have to say that the number one thing I have learned in our travels these last four years (besides the fact that this country we live in is freaking gorgeous and breathtaking) is that nothing lasts forever. This knowledge once gave me such anxiety, but now gives me peace. Although, I miss life as it used to be, I am thankful that we got to have that life at all.
When I put aside the stresses of every day life, and step back and really look at the big picture, it doesn't really matter what kind of house I live in, or our income, or what city we call home at that moment in time. What matters is us. The six of us. All of the little stresses of life - sickness, paying bills, settling into a new town, etc...they don't really matter. Not when looking at the whole of a life. So, while I am missing our life as it used to be, I am also thankful for the life we have now. Because even though these days it seems as if we are all running in a million different directions, when we are all together I appreciate it more than I ever have. Being apart has allowed me to step back and see how wonderful what we had for the past 5 years was. I wouldn't have been able to do that had we not been where we are today.
Although I will always be a work in progress, these days I try really, really hard not to focus too much on the future because I don't really know what it is going to look like. Our family's future has never turned out like I imagined, but it has always turned out exactly as it was meant to. So, instead of focusing and planning a life that has not yet come I am trying really, really hard to see the life I already have right in front of me. Some days I am more successful at this than others.
I am proud of the family life that Bob and I have built together. We are certainly not perfect and we have made our share of colossal mistakes, but when I step back and look at the big picture? Wow. Who knew that two twenty year old kids could build something so beautiful?
These days? Life is good. And isn't good because we are in Indianapolis, or Portland, or Las Cruces, or Cuyahoga Falls. Life is good because we are together. And when I step back and really look, life will always be good - no matter where we are - because the six of us have each other. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. Till death due us part. We think that this vow applies just to marriage, but if you think about it, when a couple joins together to create a family of two and then creates a family of more this vow applies to all who make up that family. From our nucleus our children will go off and create their own families (if they choose), and then those families of theirs will take center stage and will become the most important relationship(s) in their lives. Bob and I will play a supporting role, but we will not longer be a major part of the whole of their lives. And that is how it should be.
For the first time in while, my heart is full. A lot of the anxiety I have been feeling has subsided because I am releasing what doesn't really matter when looking at the big picture. I am stepping back and taking stock of what is most important and focusing on those people/things that are what life should be about.
These days I feel incredibly blessed to be able to have the life I have. When I step back, I realize that this crazy imperfect life I have created with Bobby is something amazing. For that, I am so very thankful.
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