These Days

I find myself marveling at just how much our lives have changed in the last few months. Not only have we moved half way across the country, but the every day rhythm of our family has changed dramatically. I am not sure if I like these changes, but I know that the only promise in life is that life itself will change, so I am trying to go with the flow and embrace these new differences with an open heart.

With Josh in school full time and Sarah in school part time I am amazed at how most parents do this school thing with multiple children AND hold down full time jobs. I feel like I am in a whirlwind with only 1 and 1/4 of the children in public school while holding down a part time job. After having essentially been a stay at home mom for the last 8 years I am back in the working sector of the world at least part time, but eventually life may necessitate that I work full time. I feel a little lost because I don't know what I want to do career wise. The Visiting Angels work I was doing with the elderly didn't go very well - it was poorly managed and run, and left an awful taste in my mouth about ever working for a home health agency again. I cannot work in an assisted living community in Indiana because their licensing requirements are different than in Oregon. I am not able to go back to school to get the certificates I need because I refuse to add more student loan debt to what I already carry and I don't have the financial ability to pay cash for school - not with a senior and a junior in high school anyway. So, that leaves me feeling a bit lost about what I want to do. To complicate matters slightly more, I need to work odd hours (second, or even third shift, or early mornings) to allow me the freedom to homeschool those of our children who wish to stay home. Because of the deal our family made with the local school district I know that Josh will be coming home second semester of next year to finish the last 5 months of his schooling at home. I can see Elizabeth staying home for another year or two as well, and Sarah might end up staying home too. (She was extremely disappointed with the school for the blind. Bob and I are asking her to see it through until the end of the semester before she withdraws to see if the school grows on her.)

Andy is applying for jobs right now, and has an interview with UPS next week. I work there as well and he has applied to work the early morning shift with me, so that we can ride in together. I am excited for him as UPS is a great company to work for. Their base pay isn't bad and their benefits are amazing. Plus, our building just opened up last October and construction is still going on in its 1.2 million square feet which will create more jobs/growth opportunities as each leg of construction is completed. I think it will be a potentially great opportunity for Andy. I'm not so sure about me, but for now, I don't mind the work. I don't know if this is where I want to be long term.  I need to have faith and trust that everything will work out as it should. It always does.

It seems as if someone is always coming or going in this house which is a new feeling for us. Josh is gone from 6:55 am to 5:45 pm Monday - Friday. His Saturdays are also taken up by soccer. Sarah, on the days she goes to the school for the blind, leaves at 6:30 am and gets home around 4 pm. I work from approximately 4:30 am - 9 am Tuesday - Saturday. Bob is gone Monday - Friday from 7:45 am - 5:30 pm. I only get to see Josh for a couple of hours each night as I go to bed by 9 pm to be able to get up at 3:45 am. I am at work when he gets up and leaves for school. I miss him terribly, but know that he needs this time away from us to be his own person. But even he has admitted that this new life he has chosen is a lot to adjust to. I think he will stick it out, but I am not certain. If soccer wasn't part of the equation I could see him asking to come home after this first semester. Because soccer is on the line I could see him sticking it out for that reason alone. He has adjusted to his classes very well. He is struggling a little bit in math, but I know that with some supplemental help he will be fine. He is not a big fan of having homework each night. He is used to being able to get all of his school work done during the day and then having his nights to himself. But that is par for the course of going to public school. You have to take the good with the bad.

I am amazed at how families live this life on a regular basis day in and day out. I couldn't imagine what our life would be like with four kids in public school and Bob and I both working full time day jobs. How would house cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping get done? The fact that the majority of people live this way just leaves me in awe. I feel like they know some secret on how to balance it all that I am in the dark about.

I miss our life as it used to be - as it was for the past 5 years - homeschooling everyone, being together as a family, staying home with them (almost) full time. But I also know, and have accepted, that this is how life is. This stage that we are living in right now has to happen in order to get everyone ready to leave the nest. Because someday it will just be Bobby and I.  I am so excited about the life that we will have just the two of us, but I guess I never put much thought into the transitions that would need to take place in order to get to that point. Growing children can sometimes hurt - long after the pain of labor has subsided.

Most days I find myself thinking, at least once, how thankful I am for the last 5 years we had together as a family. I am thankful that my kids were cocooned from most of regular life. I am thankful that we resisted cell phones and almost all social media for the kids. I am thankful that they were here, at home, to grow and stretch and build a strong solid foundation for themselves. I think that is so much harder to do in the public school system, not impossible, but just so much harder to do. I am thankful that I have a husband who supported my vision to bring our kids home - to educate them here. I am thankful that when I wanted to quit homeschooling them the past couple of years that he talked me into continuing on with it because my kids are better off for it. My boys especially, have a strong sense of self, and I don't know that they would have that had we kept them in public school.

 Letting Josh go back to public school was especially hard for me. I wish he would have chosen to stay home like Andy, but I have always promised my children that when/if they were ever ready to go back to public school I would let them. Staying true to my word was much more difficult for me than I thought, but I knew that he needed to go. Not so much for the educational piece, but because his wings have formed and he needs to have the ability to take flight from us. He needs to be able to make a life for himself on his own. And how can I deny him that? That, after all, is goal of parenting isn't it? Grow our children, protect them, give them a strong base, and when they are ready let them fly off on their own adventures - knowing all the while that they have us, their families, to fall back on should they need us.

Some days I worry that the job I have now will grow stale, and I will dread going into work. But then I remind myself that this is just a moment in time. That this too shall pass. That someday that elusive promotion that Bob has been told for years now is just around the corner will actually happen, and we will settle down somewhere for 5+ years. Someday, money won't be a concern. Someday all of the questions we have will be answered. Someday all of the things that have made no sense these last 5+ years will begin to crystallize. I would have to say that the number one thing I have learned in our travels these last four years (besides the fact that this country we live in is freaking gorgeous and breathtaking) is that nothing lasts forever. This knowledge once gave me such anxiety, but now gives me peace. Although, I miss life as it used to be, I am thankful that we got to have that life at all.

When I put aside the stresses of every day life, and step back and really look at the big picture, it doesn't really matter what kind of house I live in, or our income, or what city we call home at that moment in time. What matters is us. The six of us. All of the little stresses of life - sickness, paying bills, settling into a new town, etc...they don't really matter. Not when looking at the whole of a life. So, while I am missing our life as it used to be, I am also thankful for the life we have now. Because even though these days it seems as if we are all running in a million different directions, when we are all together I appreciate it more than I ever have. Being apart has allowed me to step back and see how wonderful what we had for the past 5 years was. I wouldn't have been able to do that had we not been where we are today.

Although I will always be a work in progress, these days I try really, really hard not to focus too much on the future because I don't really know what it is going to look like. Our family's future has never turned out like I imagined, but it has always turned out exactly as it was meant to. So, instead of focusing and planning a life that has not yet come I am trying really, really hard to see the life I already have right in front of me. Some days I am more successful at this than others.

I am proud of the family life that Bob and I have built together. We are certainly not perfect and we have made our share of colossal mistakes, but when I step back and look at the big picture? Wow. Who knew that two twenty year old kids could build something so beautiful?

These days? Life is good. And isn't good because we are in Indianapolis, or Portland, or Las Cruces, or Cuyahoga Falls. Life is good because we are together. And when I step back and really look, life will always be good - no matter where we are - because the six of us have each other. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. Till death due us part. We think that this vow applies just to marriage, but if you think about it, when a couple joins together to create a family of two and then creates a family of more this vow applies to all who make up that family. From our nucleus our children will go off and create their own families (if they choose), and then those families of theirs will take center stage and will become the most important relationship(s) in their lives. Bob and I will play a supporting role, but we will not longer be a major part of the whole of their lives. And that is how it should be.

For the first time in while, my heart is full. A lot of the anxiety I have been feeling has subsided because I am releasing what doesn't really matter when looking at the big picture. I am stepping back and taking stock of what is most important and focusing on those people/things that are what life should be about.

These days I feel incredibly blessed to be able to have the life I have. When I step back, I realize that this crazy imperfect life I have created with Bobby is something amazing. For that, I am so very thankful.