Funny as that sounds, anyone who struggles with perfectionism knows how much of a negative thing perfectionism can be. To those who do not struggle with this character flaw may think that having perfectionist tendencies would be a good thing. In my life anyway, I have seen it too many times and too often be a huge detriment to me. I very much have an all or nothing mentality and while many people might think that this kind of gusto is how life should be lived I am learning that it is not how my life should be lived.
I am the type of person that won't try/do/make something unless I am sure I can do it perfectly. If I even think I have a small chance of not being able to do something perfectly then I won't even attempt to try/do/make said thing because the risk of failure is too much for me to mentally handle.
For years my house was either so clean that you could eat off of the floor or looked like a bomb went off in it and I wouldn't have recommended eating at the table. My kids birthday parties were either amazing with cool homemade themed cakes or just so-so with a cake thrown together last minute or store bought. I was eating either super healthy and never, ever cheating or I was eating the most unhealthy diet my body could handle. I was either the best creative homeschool teacher or I was completely boring and not thinking outside the box at all. My friendships tend to me kept at arms length because I am afraid of letting down those I know and of exposing 'who I really am' - the unperfect parts of me. The parts of me that will let these people down, make them made, or be dissappointed with me. Because I cannot be the perfect friend I would rather keep everyone at bay than "fail" at friendship. On and on these examples could go.There was no middle ground with me. Mentally and spiritually this lifestyle was killing me. I have known for a while that my perfectionism was really unhealthy for me. I just didn't know what to do about it or how to fix it. So I began to do the only thing I know how to do: started reading about the topic. Sometimes these books would overwhelm me because the pages were a reflection of exactly how I lived my life - and their truths made me feel raw on the inside. Their words exposed me and gave me no place to hide. They forced me to face my demons.
Perfectionism, for me, is about control and fear of failure. It is about what others think of me. And in the grand scheme of life control is an illusion, failure is necessary to grow, and it really, really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. The only person's opinion of myself that should matter is my own.
Since moving to Indiana I have been doing some hard work on and within myself. I have been reading, praying, writing, exploring a variety of topics that will help me to heal myself. Like those women I feel closest too spiritually, I am a Seeker. You will often find me working on myself. This is not the first time I have gone down the path of self improvement, but this is the first time I have tried to tackle my perfectionism. As a Seeker I will always be working on myself. Finding out more about me, discovering (or rediscovering) the secret places of myself that I have kept hidden for one reason or another. Seeking isn't something that you do and then are done. It is a life long journey. It is something that if you don't understand you may roll your eyes about, but other Seekers completely understand the journey I am talking about.
If I am being honest, I really should thank my Portland experience on this journey I am on because it was there the seed was planted that I had some changing to do. Some self work. Some peeling back of layers that I didn't want to own anymore - mainly because they were never mine to begin with. I wrote about a fire raging inside of me in one blog post - that was the most powerful and real post I have ever written. I was so scared to hit the publish button on that post because it was an open and honest post about how I was feeling. I was exposing myself in a way that I never have before. I made myself vulnerable to everyone's comments and criticisms (which never came - all feedback was immensely positive). But I did that because for that one moment I didn't care about anyone else's opinion of the piece. I just needed to write it and post it. I knew then that I was at a critical point in my life where I knew I needed to do some hard work and that the journey within would be difficult because I would have to face a lot of my worst feared demons.
Since moving here I have been introduced to something called grace. Grace is the voice that overrules the inner critic right now. She is the voice that tells me that it is okay to not be perfect. She is the voice that allows me to forgive myself for slipping back into the perfectionist tendencies that I have (which I believe I will always have to be aware of). She is a forgiver and a lover. She is the voice that tells me that the inner critic is a liar. That those things about myself that I believe - that list of negative, horrible things I believe about myself - the things that drive me to be a perfectionist - are not true. She quietly whispers to me that it is okay to not be perfect. To make mistakes. It is okay to not have things go according to plan and that I can always try again tomorrow, but that what matters today is that I make the most of what I have before me.
Grace is my angel. I believe that she has always been with me I just wasn't ready to hear her voice. She waited patiently for me to be open to receiving her loving words. I don't know what took me so long to be open to her wisdom. I cannot dwell on that too long because that would mean that I would have to examine the past and critique all of the times when I could have opened myself to receiving her which would cause regret. I cannot go back in time. I can only move forward something that I struggle with and something I have been working on for the past few years when my eyes were opened up by the unexpected and untimely deaths of those I know.
I know that my family has seen changes in me. I laugh more. I am more relaxed. I don't stress about things as much (but still get stressed), and I am taking better care of my body and mind. I think what is really happening is that grace is allowing me to strip off all of the parts of me (slowly) that were never really mine to begin with - they were just roles that I thought I was supposed to carry. All of that extra baggage through the years really weighed me down and made me miserable. It turned me into a person I could no longer recognize. And I didn't like what I saw, but I felt powerless to change.
With graces help, I am beginning to learn that I will always have the power to slough off what isn't mine. I have a feeling that I will always have the tendency to want to slip on roles and characteristics that aren't authentic to me, but are things I feel others want me to carry because that would make me more likable - more perfect. As long as I am aware of my doing this I know that I can remove the pieces that don't make me Me. The critic would like me to believe that I am alone in these struggles. That no one else has them. Grace makes me feel otherwise. I am not alone. I never have been.
It is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to not be liked by others. It is okay to make mistakes.
I will always have to be aware of perfection and my desire to seek is shallow and fake feelings of worthiness and praise. As time goes on I feel that I am arming myself with the tools to see its ugliness more quickly, to see it for what it is, and to gently let it go.
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