The Green Eyed Monster

 Every so often an uninvited guest knocks on the door to my heart and welcomes himself in before I can even answer the call of his presence. Unable to be content with just one portion of me he spreads himself out into all portions of my inner being including my mind. I can usually ignore him at first. I know he is there, and although his residing in my heart and mind bothers me, I am still able to ignore him because he only whispers his poison into my ear. My life is too busy to hear the whispers of my heart and mind - for better or worse. 

But this guest does not like to be ignored. His quiet monologue slowly becomes louder and louder until suddenly it feels like he is speaking to me through a megaphone. His voice becomes all I can hear. 

He likes to remind me of all that I am not and all that I do not have. He brings me down dark paths to places that are no good for me; these locations unnerve me because they devalue everything about my life. 

When he tires himself out from his diatribe, he will invite his friends Bitterness and Resentment to visit me too. Together this trio darkens my life closing off anything of value or goodness.I feel powerless to stop them from stomping out the light in my life. I beg these visitors to leave. I know they are no good for me.  They seem to grow stronger as I grow weaker trying to fight them off and kick them out. 

 As an added bonus to me, this green eyed monster will also invite Shame to come into my heart and mind. Shame likes to make me feel red in the face for even allowing the darkness of envy, bitterness, and resentment take hold inside of me. He likes to hiss that I am ungrateful for all that I do have in my life; how could I possibly envy what others have when I also have so much? 

I know deep down that I could have all that my heart desires: the exotic vacations, the enormous bank account, the perfectly sculpted days with perfect meals in a perfectly spotless interior decorated, big home, the flawless body, the homeschool days that go off without a hitch and in which everything is always wonderful. etc...and Envy would still find me. I know that he would take residence inside of me and invite his friends Bitterness, Resentment, and Shame to come along too. 

I know that the problem isn't an exterior one. It isn't about having all of those things out there. The problem is internal. I know this. I know it truly and deeply. 

I know that these feelings will pass. Everything in life does. But knowing this doesn't make walking through these dark times any easier for me. They are brutal none-the-less.