I don't normally put too much stock in the start of a new year. I think it adds unnecessary pressure to my life and makes me feel entirely disappointed if I don't perfectly live up to my expectations. I don't like to set myself up for failure and, for me, having new year's resolutions is like trying to create perfection where perfection cannot be had - mainly in my life.
Last year was such a train wreck though that I began to take a different approach to this annual marker of time as it approached. I needed a specific and clear date to mentally define the before and after. I needed a date to stamp in my mind where my healing would begin; some demarcation of time to look back on and to show myself how much I have grown when times get tough in the upcoming year. And so, January 1, 2022 began to become a beacon in my life as 2021 came to a close.
I do not expect 2022 immediately heal my heart. I do not expect it to make all of my problems go away. But I do expect it to help give me the tools to slowly heal my brokenness. I expect this year to be a year of answers. (I read a blurb of something somewhere that basically said that some years are years of questions and some years are years of answers. I feel like I have been in a year of questions for a while - 2021 was an absolute year of questions with limited answers that only produced an infinite number of more questions.)
I expect it to be better than this year because it has to be. It just has to be. I cannot be spit out and chewed up anymore than I was in 2021. 2021 broke me. It broke my spirit. It broke my heart. It broke my will. It shattered my dreams. It crushed my Hope. It left me spiritually, emotionally, and physically at the worst I have ever been.
This year is about giving myself the tools to cope and learn new ways of handling life's bitter disappointments because clearly I don't handle those very well. The current state of my being is evidence of that.
2022 is a year of promise. It is a year of learning how to get back up and not be paralyzed when life knocks me on my ass. It is a year of prioritizing. It is a year of making hard choices. It is a year of finding my voice and finding new audiences to hear me if need be.
Every year for the last several years I have tried to come up with a focus word for me. Last year my word of the year was 'transform'. (I definitely transformed - just not in the ways that I ever would have expected.) I thought a bit about my word for this year, but didn't want to over think it. I knew that my word would just come to me if I was willing to pay attention.
Late last night as I was lying in bed thinking that I would have to start 2022 without a word, a word came to me clear as a Caribbean sea. I immediately hated it. I tried to push the word out of my mind; I wanted another word, a different word. Anything, but this word. But I knew in the deepest, most true, parts of myself that this word was meant just for me. I knew that this word came to me from outside of myself. From where, I couldn't tell you right now, but maybe as the year unfolds I will be able to answer that question.
My word of 2022 is: surrender.
I hate this word because, to me, it has the connotation of failure. The losing side of a battle surrenders. To surrender is to admit defeat. It means someone or something else wins. It means you were wrong - you overestimated yourself and your abilities. To surrender is to give up.
And yet, I know that this word is meant for me. I know that it was chosen for me. I know that right in my life I am weary, weak, and feel defeated in almost all aspects of my life. Surrendering doesn't seem like such a terrible idea some of the time, but I have a gut feeling that this isn't the kind of surrender I am being asked to do.
But what I am I surrendering? What can I give up or lay down in my life? 2021 kicked my ass - it stripped me of pretty much everything - what do I possibly have to surrender?
I have a feeling as 2022 unfolds I am going to find out the answer to all of those questions.
So, here's to a new year. Here's to a clear line in the sand of the before and after. Here's to growing and forgiving. Here's to laying down bitterness and resentment. Here's to finding my strength and living my truth - day in and day out. Here's to finding meaning and what matters. Here's to health and relationships and healing.
Here's to surrender.
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