Lost Without Him

 I ask for him to meet me in my dreams. I look for him there, but it is rare that I find him.

 I thought when he went away that the connection we had here on earth would carry over; I was so certain of this that I did not give it too much thought about how I would feel without him with me among the living.  I believed wholeheartedly that the anchor that our relationship supplied me with would last for all time, but I am finding that this is not the case.  I am unbound and a bit lost without him. 

I know that I am not the first being to ever lose "their person", and I do not pretend that this is the case. I do wonder, though, how others deal with the deep ache that sits in my chest, and has done so since the night he crossed over from this world to the next. I thought that time would make the ache hurt less, but this also has not been the case. It has been four and a half months since his passing, and I still hurt as much today as I did on November 24th. I would venture to say that I hurt more now because at least then I had the false belief that we would also be bound together. 

Sometimes I feel myself spiraling downward in time and space. I don't know which way is up. I hope that I will not always carry this feeling with me. It hurts a lot, and I don't like hurting. It doesn't feel good. 

Yes, I have our shared memories. I know this. But without that connection he just becomes someone regular, and he was anything but that to me when he lived. I feel that I need to feel that connection with him as much as I need water, shelter, sunlight, and food. It is essential to my well-being. 

I hope that I can find it again because I feel lost without him.