Growing Greggs - A Love Story: March 2024

Thursday, March 28, 2024

A Visit From My Long-Time Companion

I feel it days before, at first it is just random thoughts, but as the days pass those thoughts become more intense; then comes the tightening of the chest and the feeling I cannot get a full breath. I feel frozen. Frozen from living my life and doing normal activities. Chores pile up and everyday household tasks seem insurmountable. Days pass and my chest tightens some more and regular breathing, at times, seems like it has to be a conscious activity because if it is not - it won't happen on its own.

This is what a visit from my longtime companion, anxiety, feels like.

Gatherings of people of any kind - family, friends, strangers create an environment where she takes center stage. She loves creating havoc in my life in the days preceding such an event. I know that I have the ability to live a life without her, but her roots seem so imbedded in my psyche that I do not yet have the tools to permanently separate her from my truest self. She has led me to believe that we are one being, and although after months and months of seeking out professional help and doing some hard solo work I know that this is not the case, I still have not managed to get rid of her - only how to manage anxiety when she appears in my everyday life. Because gatherings are not a part of my everyday life, she still has a pretty good hold on me when those situations appear.

I know that someday I will be able to live my life without her, but until then I have to just deal with her the best I can. Some days are easier than others. Some days are just downright hard.

Monday, March 25, 2024

Elizabeth’s Fall Soccer Season 2023

Two years ago, Elizabeth started playing soccer for the most wonderful coach. This man was able to turn Elizabeth into a solid defender all without screaming and yelling like so many coaches do at the high school level. Her coach had a way with all of his high school girls that allowed them to flourish. Elizabeth improved so much that she was able to try out (and make) a club team which begins in the fall of 2024. (Girls public school soccer is played in the spring here in North Carolina.)

I think she would have considered just staying on this current recreational team if her coach was going to continue doing so, but his daughter graduated a year ago, and he chose to stay on and coach these girls for an additional season because he was so in demand. This was so kind of him to do as, unlike club soccer, his position was strictly voluntary with no salary of any kind.

Bobby and I (particularly Bobby as he took Elizabeth to her practices since he was an assistant coach) are thankful that she is no longer playing for this organization as it was 50+ minutes away depending on traffic. Driving an hour and a half - minimum - for an hour practice each week (and weekend games) got tiring. Her new team practices 4-6 minutes down the road.

While I am thankful for this team and its ability to give Elizabeth some of the confidence back that she lost while playing on her Indiana team, I am looking forward to what lies ahead of her with this new team.

All of these pictures are various images of Elizabeth either with the soccer ball, going after the soccer ball, or on the field.

A Trip To Maine

Last October, Bobby and I had the privilege of attending my cousin's wedding. It was - by far - the best wedding I have ever attended. It was unpretentious, but elegant. All of the unusual wedding details were perfect for my cousin and his new wife. The wedding was welcoming and small, but with a lively group of guests who made the entire experience unforgettable. My brother and sister-in-law joined us, and we made a long weekend out of the experience by visiting Portland, ME before heading down to Kittery, ME, which is where the wedding was held.

There is something comforting about New England to me. Maybe it was because I was born there and still have family there. I'm not really sure what it is, or why I feel so content whenever I am in this part of the country, but it definitely has a unique and distinct vibe that I completely jive with.

Our foursome (me, Bobby, my brother, and sister-in-law) started off our adventure by driving from Boston, MA to Portland, ME. We spent the night there exploring some of the nightlife. We were hoping to hangout a bit the next day, but because it was rainy, we decided to head down to Kittery instead of spending the day in Portland. We did visit a lighthouse in Portland before heading out. There was a huge cruise ship (are they anything other than different versions of huge?) in port near the lighthouse we were viewing. To be honest, this lighthouse was kind of meh. I don't know what I was expecting, but this one wasn't it.

After arriving in Kittery, we decided to find a place to visit that allowed us the ability to spend some time on the water. New England handles their coast much different than the Carolinas or Oregan in that in New England the entire beach/water access is not entirely public. People who have a home on the ocean "own" the beach access in front of their homes. To me, it is the dumbest thing in the world. How can you actually own part of a beach? (Although, I guess it is all relative, as the Indigenous peoples of North America didn't understand the concept of land ownership and were just as flabbergasted by the idea as I am of a private entity owning the beach/ocean access.) All of this was to say that we had a bit of a hard time finding someplace that we could access the beach ourselves. We finally found a place after a bit of trial and error. I did not realize that ME has such rocky shorelines. It is completely different from Oregon and its rocks. To me, the Oregon coastline is welcoming and visually stunning. The Maine shoreline seemed uninviting and, I hate to say it, a bit ugly. The rocks along the shoreline were such that it was hard to walk on them without constantly thinking about where your next step was going to be as I was always trying not to fall on my butt or twist an ankle which took away from the experience of being on the water. (For me at least.)

After walking on the shoreline, we found another lighthouse that was exactly what I imagined a Maine lighthouse to look like. It had the keepers house on the property along with the lighthouse. The property was surrounded by flowering bushes and sat above the water on a small cliff. It was clean and crisp and just perfect.

Finally, we spent part of the day walking on the public beach. It was nice to be by the water in traditional sand and to have the waves wash up on shore in a gentle manner rather than crash into cragged rocks splashing up spray. I didn't find any shells on this beach though and found its smallness to be a bit of a turnoff. (I think of the ocean as a wild and free entity. When I go to a beach I want to be able to explore for miles and miles without being interrupted by seemingly man-made cut off points.) The view was neat though as this part of the beach was surrounded on two sides by quintessential New England houses and businesses.

One of the things I love about small New England towns so much (and Kittery definitely fits that bill) is that there aren't really any chain stores/restaurants anywhere. Almost everything is a mom-and-pop owned business, and all are unique and cool. We didn't spend any time shopping though as we had other things we wanted to spend our short time there doing.

Our accommodations for both Portland and Kittery were really cool. Our Portland housing was an apartment in what was once a large single-family home. It had that vintage old wood and unique details. It was spacious, but comfortable. We were right in the thick of things, so you got to experience some city vibes. Our Kittery accommodations were completely the opposite, but also very cool. The apartment was the upstairs portion of a large garage. It was nestled in the woods about a 5-10 minute drive from the ocean. The street we stayed on was quiet and secluded. The building was quite new, so you everything was nice and shiny. I really enjoyed staying at both locations because it briefly gave me opposing living situations.

Overall, I had a wonderful time. The company was great. I got to visit the only New England state I had not yet been to, and I got to celebrate two amazing people as they began their lives as husband and wife.

Quaint town on the Maine New Hampshire border. The town is made up of mom and pop stores and restaurants. Brick buidings align the streets. The sidewalks are made of bricks too. The buildings are all close together and about 3 stories high.

A quaint New England town.

Sign of the lighthouse that says Portland Breakwater Lighthouse. The sign is in stone.

The 'meh' lighthouse.

Gloomy dark gray skies hover over the bay in Maine. Up ahead is a white lighthouse sticking out on a peninsula ready to bring ships in to dock. There is a rocky path leading up to the lighthouse so that tourists can now go and explore the outside of the lighthouse. A fence also surrounds the pathway to the lighthouse (probably so dumbass people visiting this area don't fall into the water.)

Off in the distance of this lighthouse what appears to be a sailing school or some sort of sailing club is gathering in the inlet. There are about 25 sailing boats on the water. All of them have pure white sails and they all match.

A sailing school lesson?

A ginormous cruise ship is docked here as well. The ship is entirely white with no details showing which cruiseline it is. You can see hundreds, of windows and the lifeboats - which are read and white - attached to the outside of the ship. It is about 10 stories tall and as long as 1.5 - 2+ soccer fields. In the forefront of the picture is a park like setting with green, green short grass and picnic tables scattered here and there. This park is where the lighthouse sits as well.

A white multi-story cruise ship docked in Portland, ME. The ship is off in the distance from the lighthouse.

A cruise ship docked in Portland, ME

From left to right - Aunt Jess, Uncle Beaver, Me, and Dad getting our picture taken by a kind stranger in front of the lighthouse.

A view of a different lighthouse closer to where we stayed in Maine. This one is also white, but it has a white house next to it. Most likely used by the lighthouse keeper. There are all kinds of rocks and boulders bordering the land the house sits on and the ocean inlet. The terrain looks very unwelcoming mostly because of the uneven rocks just about everywhere. There is no "beachy" part of this landscape. The sky is an ominous gray.

Another lighthouse in ME. (The cool one.)

A quaint lighthouse with guesthouse. The property sits on a peninsula and there are rocky outcrops surrounding the lighthouse property that borders the ocean. The skies are gray and gloomy looking and the ocean is choppy.

A view of the ocean from the lighthouse property. There are large rocks that surround the water and flowering bushes with bright pink and orange flowers.

Another view of the ocean from the property. This time the lighthouse is not in sight. The only things that can be seen are the rocky terrain leading into the ocean, and the rocks in the shallows of the water. The sky is still gray and gloomy.

A close up of the lighthouse. It is white painted rock with a black roof. There are small gardens of flowers surrounding the lighthouse as well as a stone patio.

A view of the lighthouse and keepers house from a distance. The property is surrounded by three sides with water. There are flowering bushes in view of the picture as well as a fence to keep people off of the bushes and rocky land leading to the ocean.

The trailhead sign right before getting on to the trail.

Finally! A public access point to the beach!

Uncle Beaver, Aunt Jess, Dad and I all took a small hike on a trail that bordered the Atlantic Ocean. The trail allowed for people to walk down onto the very rocky shoreline and use them to walk around the peninsula like trail. There were no smooth beach like areas on this route and we all had to jump from large rock to large rock all of it uneven.

Not very welcoming, eh?

Dad looking up at the sky while standing in the middle of a patch of uneven, unsteady large rocks. He is looking up towards the gray, bleak sky as the ocean crashes into the rocks in the distance. There is a very small opening in the cloud cover, but it does not reveal the sun. It only reveals a less gray sky. Dad is wearing khaki shorts and a dark colored sweatshirt.

This is one of the types of rocky areas we walked on.

a bunch of large jagged rocks looking out over the ocean and gray sky above. In the center of the picture is a rectangle that has been carved out of a rock by the wind. In its place is some water.

To get to the trailhead we had to park on the side of the road as there was no trail parking. There was a house or two located near where we parked. The vantage point of this photo was taken from that road. There is a tree or two swaying in the wind along with some minor shrubbery. Again, the sky is a deep, dark gray and the ocean looks ominous.

We came to a curve in our hike where there was some shrubbery and where the rocks got much smaller. They were small stones and pebbles at this part of the hike that met the ocean.

A collection of water that gathered in a rock that had its center carved out by the wind and water. There are small pebbles in the water and it is clear so that you can see to the bottom.

I do love little tide pools as you never know what you are going to find in them.

I found a skeleton in the rocks - it appears to be some kind of mammal - if I had to guess because of its bone structure. It is sitting on top of some rocks that lead down to the water.

I cannot say I have ever found what appears to be an entire skeleton of a dead animal before. I am thinking this was some type of bird?

A view of the ocean from on top of a large rock formation which is covered in a large(ish) collection of water. The water in the rocks has smaller pebbles in it and other debris.

As we turned and started walking up the other side of the peninsula there is a small town with typical Cape Cod style houses.

Rocky terrain overlooking the atlantic ocean with gray skies.

Same thing as above = another view of the large rocks meeting up with the ocean.

A different view of the rocks as the waves crash upon them.

One last view of the waves crashing up above the rocky shore as the tide comes in.

A wooly bear caterpillar sitting in the grass. Its brown color is a little bit more than its black. Must going to be an easier winter.

A different beach - this was actually has smooth sand, but it is very, very short. It is kind of a boring beach as there weren't any shells or rocky areas to explore. It was just flat sand and open ocean. (Although the beach is the beach, and I liked it even if I didn't like it - if that makes sense.) The sky is blue with a bright sun and some puffy white clouds dotted in the sky.

I am standing in the water - right where the water and sand meet. The waves are ahead of me in the distance. There is a beam of sunlight beaming down on the ocean making it look almost celetial.

I am in the water probably ankle deep. The waves are much closer to me now and are pretty rough, coming in violently one right on top of another. There are no boats, people, birds, anything in the picture. It is just an angry sea and the sunny sky.

Another pic from the same spot as the previous pic. This time the camera is capturing not only the waves, but also the spray of the waves as the wind was intense enough to cause sea spray as the waves would crest.

A view of the wet sand reflecting the sunlight from above. The water has just receded leaving a glassy look to the sand below.

A really cool pic of very light colored sand completely made up into ripples. These ripples go on in all directions as far as the picture goes.

There was one part of one of the beaches that we went to that did have some rocky areas seperating the beach from the land. I was able to search around and found a hermit crab. He has a black shell and his body is coming out of it as he sits on my hand.

A picture of Long Beach (I think it was called). The sand is flat and shell-less. The waves are coming into the land with a lot of white bubbles. The cotton ball clouds are lazily hanging out in the sky while in the distance is a shoreline of houses overlooking the edge of the shore before it drops into the ocean.

Another view of a different part of the same beach, but this time the main part of the town is captured to the left of the beach. Shops and hotels line the beach area, but not chain type hotels. Everything seems to be one of a kind with no chains. Mom and pop type places. . All have the quintessential New England vibe of cape cod style houses in gray and white.

We got lunch one day and a seagull was sitting very near our table just chilling out. I was able to get a pretty close up shot of him just standing on the ground waiting for some scraps of food.

Sunday, March 17, 2024

Solitude

The house is quiet as I sit in my bed with my comfiest clothes on. The blankets drawn up around me, the windows open, and the sky outside a deep gray. There is no rain in the forecast, but by the way these clouds are hovering over the area I would not be surprised if there was some sort of precipitation here today.

In the meantime, the birds oblivious to the coming weather, or perhaps very much aware of it, are singing sweetly getting ready to welcome back spring. While we are fortunate enough to hear their peeps and chirps year-round, it seems their numbers are increasing, creating a small symphony of sounds all of which are welcoming to take in.

My Velcro puppy (Miles) is next to me while my protector (Max) is laying on his dog bed not ten feet from where I sit. Moose is snuggled up on Sarah's pillow in her room; he has no need for me right now, so I won't be seeing him for a while. And that is it. Just me and my four-legged companions for the next three and three-quarter days. Bobby is on his way to Boston for business, Andy is in Ohio working, Joshua is at Belmont, Sarah and Elizabeth are at UNCG. They are all off doing their own things which allows me the gift of spending the next few days in solitude.

If given the choice to go on a trip by myself or to stay home by myself, I would pick the latter every single time. There is something so refreshing to me to be able to stay in my home all alone. I love having the freedom to spend all of my hours exactly as I want without having to worry about anyone else. I can either work on projects around the house - or not. I can read a book - or not. I can make my own food - or not. I can do whatever I want for as long (or as little) as I want to, and I don't have to explain my decisions to anyone. I am accountable to no one but myself these next few days - and the thought of that is g-l-o-r-i-o-u-s.

Don't get me wrong - I love my family, deeply. And I love serving them as a homemaker and homeschooling mama, but that doesn't mean that I don't need to recharge. Because I absolutely do, and my favorite way to do so is to have some time at my house all alone. This is luxury that I do not take for granted and is such a treat for me. I look forward to these times so much.

I haven't decided what I would like to this week in terms of goals or accomplishments. I have decided to play that all by ear. What I did decide, though, is that I will not be using the television or social media while everyone is gone. I find that those two mediums of entertainment waste my life when I use them in large doses. If I allowed myself, I could easily spend days watching junk shows or endlessly immerse myself in the land of Instagram. I find that I am much happier when I either abstain from both of those things or limit them severely.

So, I'll spend my days doing other things that fill me up in a positive way. And I will enjoy every single minute of it.

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Learning To Find Peace

A look up at the tops of the tall trees and blue sky at the beginning of the Carolina Trail that we have walked the last couple of days. No leaves exist on the trees and only the tiniest of buds can be seen if you look close enough.

A cluster of white flowers with yellow centers. They look like a relative of the daisy flower. They are growing amid decomposing leaves, moss, and other small plant life coming out of hibernation as well.

A single purple flower with 4 petals growing amind the decaying leaves, sporadic grasses, and small plant life (like weeds, vines, and flowers not yet bloomed).

A view of the left hand side of the swamp as you walk towards the deck we haven't made it to yet. There are trees sitting in water about shin high - hundreds of them - getting ready to bud.

A picture of the twisted tree that you felt. Blue sky above. Dead leaves and fresh dirt on the ground all around. Trees as far as the eye can see.

A tree or bush (I cannot yet tell which) with light pink blossoms on it near the second lake. The tree/bush grows right on the water's edge on the path between the two benches. The water in the background is muddy and reddish looking.

A small branch of the same tree/bush with multiple blossoms on it. The limb is directly in the sunlight making the flowers shine.

A long ago fallen tree with a single muchroom growing out of its bark. The mushroom basks in the afternoon light displaying its white and brown coloring proudly.

A tall tree with a southern belle dress-like bottom with a small arched cutout that almost looks like a doorway without the door. The hollowed out space is clearly meant for an animal to live in and reminds me of the magic of the pacific northwest. There is a single fern showing to the left of the doorway in the "front yard" of the creature who makes this space home.

Spikey lime green moss growing at the base of a tree.

The chaos in my mind reached its crescendo last August making life feel unbearably hard. I knew that this cacophony of noise was unsustainable for a healthy life. I have lived with this tornado of thoughts, feelings, and emotions for as long as I can remember, and while there was nothing out of the ordinary that I can think of to cause it to get out of hand, it just did. If I am being completely honest, my headspace has gotten out of hand in the past, but I have always been able to temporarily fix things so that I could go on living the life of a homeschooling, homemaking mama and wife.

Maybe everything came to a head because I was tired of fighting the warring thoughts in my head daily, hourly, minute by minute. I have been doing so for so long that I think my aging body and mind just said ENOUGH. And as hard as this process has been to begin to deconstruct all that I think I am and all that I think I believe, both about myself and the larger world around me, I know in the deepest parts of myself that this process is vital to finding peace within.

I have often read that the mind/body connection is real and runs deep. While I could conceptualize that connection for others and maybe even myself, I truly did not understand this depth until my physical body raised some fire alarms almost two years ago. These external issues were the direct result of untreated internal issues, and I did what I have always done when a fire breaks out - I put the fire out but did not address what caused the fire in the first place.

I knew last August, when a three-alarm fire started within, and I did not have enough water to put it out on my own that I had to find the root causes of these fires because they were only getting worse, and my ability to put them out was becoming more and more ineffective. I didn't want to burn anymore. I didn't want to feel the rising heat from the friction my warring insides were causing. A phoenix can only rise so many times from its own ashes before the strength needed to pull itself together - even just one more time - becomes an obstacle it cannot overcome. I did not/could not just exist as a shell of a human being because my insides were scorched. I wanted to heal. I wanted to grow beautiful things within, so that I could finally learn how to live and love the whole of me - mind, body, and soul.

And so, last September, after burning out of control all August, I began the process of putting in the work to stop the fires and to start nurturing and nourishing the spaces in my head, so that it could help to heal my heart. I have a long journey ahead of me. What I thought would be a simple solution for the first few months of treatment, I can see now that this process is anything but simple. It is hard and complex. It makes me cry and rage and feel sorrow, but it is also healing me. I am just beginning to see some of the first sprouts of life within as
I learn different techniques to understand my fires and why they happen. And this is good.

I do not have blissful days every day...yet. The civil war inside has been going on for so long that it won't just stop with a trick or an easy strategy, and it might still rage for a long time before it subsides, but I do know that I will get there. One day the warring words and thought patterns will subside and there will be only peace within. That thought propels me through my hard days and encourages me to keep on putting in the work.

Because I deserve peace.