I feel it days before, at first it is just random thoughts, but as the days pass those thoughts become more intense; then comes the tightening of the chest and the feeling I cannot get a full breath. I feel frozen. Frozen from living my life and doing normal activities. Chores pile up and everyday household tasks seem insurmountable. Days pass and my chest tightens some more and regular breathing, at times, seems like it has to be a conscious activity because if it is not - it won't happen on its own.
This is what a visit from my longtime companion, anxiety, feels like.
Gatherings of people of any kind - family, friends, strangers create an environment where she takes center stage. She loves creating havoc in my life in the days preceding such an event. I know that I have the ability to live a life without her, but her roots seem so imbedded in my psyche that I do not yet have the tools to permanently separate her from my truest self. She has led me to believe that we are one being, and although after months and months of seeking out professional help and doing some hard solo work I know that this is not the case, I still have not managed to get rid of her - only how to manage anxiety when she appears in my everyday life. Because gatherings are not a part of my everyday life, she still has a pretty good hold on me when those situations appear.
I know that someday I will be able to live my life without her, but until then I have to just deal with her the best I can. Some days are easier than others. Some days are just downright hard.
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