Mutiny

My kids are threatening mutiny if I don't relent on some of my new food restrictions and I must admit that perhaps I was a bit overzealous in my initial go at changing our diet. I jump into the deep water of anything I am attempting to do even if wading into it is a better avenue to take.  I seem to only have a stop and fast forward button with no slow motion speeds. It is part of my charm (wink, wink) except if you are on of  my children and then it is part of my mania. Either way, my kids have called me out on my insanity and I realize that I must relent and slow down on this new path we are going down.

But that doesn't mean that things are going back to the way they were before. Because they aren't.

Have you seen that new Oprah commercial? The one where she has partnered with Weight Watchers in which she talks about how every past stop and go, success and failure, triumph and trajedy has led to this moment? I believe in that wholeheartedly. When I first saw the commercial, before Oprah even opened her mouth to speak, I was rolling my eyes about another round of Oprah trying to lose weight. (Because I know nothing about repeated attempts at losing weight. Insert sarcasm.) As I listened to Oprah talk about each moment in life is leading up to the one we are living now I found forgiveness and self acceptance in those words. (This may seem completely silly that a commercial could point out something so obvious to the rest of the world, but I tend to be a slow learner sometimes.) I have been thinking repeatedly about that commercial and my own journey right now in trying to get things "right" in this house as it pertains to food.

If I am being completely honest with myself I began this journey because I am scared. And when I get scared I get desperate. When I get desperate I make rash decisions that I might not normally make (or maybe I would) in times when I am more calm and rational (which, although rare, does actually exist in my world). You see, I am so scared that Sarah's new leg issue is going to eventually lead to her inability to use her legs which will mean life in a wheelchair. And my deepest fear is that after being wheelchair bound she will lose her bladder function and then her ability to breathe on her own and that her life will be taken from her. (I cannot even type those words without tears welling up in my eyes, a tightness in my chest, and that feeling of absolute rage gurgling in the deepest recesses of my being.) I think about those things in times like these because my first and usual reaction is that these things will never happen to Sarah. That she will live to be an old woman just like she imagines teaching blind children as she now would like to make her adult profession.  But then I also remember that I never in a million years thought that she would be blind. Never in a million years did I imagine that her vision would have been taken from her so swiftly. So, yes, my does wander every-so-often to those things that we never imagine happening, especially to our children, because nightmares do come true.  Because this disease has been so severe and fast acting on her vision it is generally known that it will be fast acting and swift in its debilitation of other bodily function failures (should she have any). Her calf numbness is getting worse (as she informed me yesterday) and the only thing that I have left in my control is food and exercise. When I feel like I am losing control over one area of life I tend to try and overcompensate for it in other areas. Thus our complete diet overhaul.

This past week hasn't been without some major successes despite the outward appearance of absolute failure. I have realized just how far off the healthy food path we have gotten. I see now how much I have relied on things in a box and can to get our meals on the table. And how dairy and wheat heavy our diet has been. Seeing these things has been very good for me. It has helped me to get some clarity on where I would like us to go in the future.

So, what we will do now is this: we will eat a diet abundant in a variety of things. I am still going to limit dairy because I am still suspect of it. I am also going to limit our wheat, but only because I want to expose the kids to other types of grains. When we do eat wheat it will be the whole wheat variety. I am going to try my hand at making whole wheat bread as I do not trust bread companies to make my bread and I need something to fall back on for lunches once or twice a week. Our diet will focus mostly on plants just as Michael Pollan suggests, but we will be eating (or at least I will be serving) fish, chicken, turkey, & beef on a rotating schedule. I am going to try and make as much of our food as possible from scratch. For snacks in this house we will have nuts, seeds, air popped popcorn, granola (I need to find a good recipe for this.), fruits, hummus, salsa, and veggies. The kids are all on board with this as it means they can have pancakes once a week (albeit whole wheat) and they won't have to drink smoothies every day. I can rest easier because I won't be so worried about completely cutting out more than one food group. I know there will still be growing pains. Elizabeth especially has a knack for all things junk, but it will a good change for all of us. And it will be a more manageable change too.

As for Sarah, I do not know what her future holds. That is in God's hands. I do know that I will do the very best that I can to make the best decisions for not only her, but for all who reside within the walls of our home. No matter what the outcome I know that all of the decisions that I have made pertaining to her well being have been the best ones that I could have made (and will make in the future) at that specific point in time. And no matter how hard that is for me to be okay with I will need to make it so because there is truly nothing else I can do.

Trading One For the Other?

It should come as no surprise when I tell you that I have been thinking a lot about food lately. I have read all different viewpoints on what to eat and what not to eat in order to gain what I hoped would be a balanced perspective on diet. I feel the (self -imposed)  pressure even more because of Sarah. I desperately want to make her well. I would do anything do to so. Sometimes when we act in desperation we make rash and unwise decisions. I need to be careful of that right now. Instead of looking for the fountain of youth I feel like I am trying to find "the fountain of health" in order to not only make Sarah well, but to also make sure that none of my other children ever face the struggles a person with a chronic illness faces. I have gone down the avenue of medication with Sarah with little success. I have brought her to the land of enchantment in hopes that some vitamin D would replenish her body and help her to feel better since so many with autoimmune diseases struggle with a vitamin D deficiency. And none of those things has really worked. And so I turn my focus back to one of the only things left to explore: food. Except food is no longer simple. What used to be common knowledge as to what we should be eating is now a jumbled up mess of one study verse another about what foods are the ones we should really be eating. Each study coming up with findings that are the exact opposite from one another. And it confuses the hell out of all of us while also pitting us against one another as we each believe we have found the right elixir that will make us all well.

I chose to eliminate dairy and gluten from our diet because book after book I read (from all different authors who suggest all different types of diets) suggested that those two food groups would lead me to "the fountain of health" that I am so desperately seeking. Except that I really have no idea what I am doing AND I have no idea if those authors are just bullshi^^ing me because they too have been bamboozled by the latest "scientific study". The only things I am certain of right now is that I am  making my children miserable. (Andy said that he was going to pack a bag and go live with the Boormans because they would feed him real food.) My children (and Bob and myself) should not feel like we are starving all of the time. I do realize that it is going to take me some time to come up with some new recipes and ways of cooking as we primarily relied on dairy and wheat prior to making this dietary change, so I am not throwing in the towel, but I also think I need to very carefully examine my motives for removing these food groups from our diet.

If I am going to remove gluten, but still make baked goods and use, let's say almond flour, over and over again in my recipes how good is that really? Yes, I am no longer feeding my children an overabundance of gluten, but I am now feeding them an overabundance of almond flour. Am I trading one food item for another in a way that will make us sick despite my efforts to try and make us healthy? Is that the American paradigm? Are we trading off one bad food item for another in search of health only to make ourselves sicker with the new food replacement? Too much of anything isn't a good thing no matter what that item is. 

Maybe instead of focusing on trading one packaged item (or in this case bagged) I should be focusing on not using items that come from a bag or a box at all. Maybe I should focus on eating a variety of items that would include all sorts of fruits, veggies, grains, legumes, meats,fish, and dairy. Maybe by eating quinoa, millet, brown rice, and whole wheat  twice a month I will be doing our family more justice than by eating whole wheat or brown rice (which is what I see most of the gluten free pastas being made from) three times a week. Maybe it would be better do focus mostly on plants, as Michael Pollan suggests, but also incorporate a wide variety of items and exclude nothing? Or maybe I am better to just walk down the path that I am on because most of my kids do have some type of intolerance to dairy/gluten? Or maybe I just want to do what everyone seems to be doing because it is the hip thing to do.

Or maybe it is a matter of finding the most clean and original types of food and eating a variety of those? Maybe there is a type of wheat that doesn't have as much gluten in it as other types of wheat? Maybe it is a matter of committing to not buying items in boxes and cans and if it cannot be made then it shouldn't be eaten?

 I don't have any answers right now. In fact I think I am more confused now than I was before I started this whole inquisition - which I hardly would have thought possible.  I just know that I am super frustrated that food has gotten so darn complicated.

All of this just points to another reason I should just go buy some land next time we move, raise some chickens, a cow, with some fruits trees and bushes and grow a huge vegetable garden. Maybe instead of depending on some unknown farmer (or corporation) to supply my food maybe the only way to feed my family a healthy diet is to do it all myself. Maybe the idea of becoming a farmer isn't so far fetched after all.

A Dinner Conversation

The kids and I were sitting at dinner tonight just talking about how long we would like to live if given the choice. I told the kids that I was gonna live to be 107 years old because when I was 7 I saw the Statue of Liberty's 200th birthday and I promised myself right then and there that I was going to see her 300th birthday. (I was sitting in my grandparents living room when I made this solemn vow to myself - in case you were wondering.) As we sat around talking about how old the kids will be when I am 107 years old Andy asked Sarah if she had the choice between living to be 70 or taking a pill right now so that she could see, but it would cost her 5 years of her life which would she choose? 

I assumed that she would take the 5 year life span cut (most likely because that is what I would have chosen if in her shoes), but I was mistaken when she answered, without hesitation, that she would rather to live to be 70. Even if it meant that she would never ever be able to see again. 

It is nice to know that despite the drawbacks to being blind and the struggles that MS/NMO present her with that Sarah still realizes that her life has amazing value. And that she plans on living to be an old woman. I take comfort in that. 

Little Victories

I had planned on writing a blog today about how I have no idea why I am trying to change our diet. Yesterday it felt like I was pulling teeth to get the kids to try the snacks that Sarah and I had made. (If you are wondering we made granola and applesauce - which were both delicious.) Then at dinner last night, Andy would not try the lentil soup I made and neither would Elizabeth which made them hungry campers since I only provided lentil soup and salad as a meal option. This morning we had a smoothie for breakfast followed by more complaining. I was beginning to feel desperate. I was wondering what on earth I was trying to do. I mean, who am I to try and change things from the mainstream? Why am I trying to go against the grain with our diet. Life would be so much easier if I just continued down the path of the Standard American Diet. (Is it a coincidence that the initials of the way we eat in this country spells the word 'SAD' - I think not.) My kids are just going to eat crap food when they are out of my house, so why on earth am I going to battle with them to try and change our diets inside this house? On and on my thoughts went like this all last night and into today. I finally remembered to say a quick little prayer and asked God to help me through these tough moments.

A while after my prayer a thought popped into my head. Yes, my kids are unhappy with the snack options and meal options right now, but there IS food in this house. Just not chips and cheese and crackers and an assortment of other junk food. We have granola, applesauce, fruit, veggies, salsa, walnuts, almonds, sunflower seeds, & popcorn. Are they the food options my kids would prefer right now? Nope. Not on your life. BUT are they the foods that my kids will eat if they get hungry enough in between meals? You can bet your life on it. So, if they aren't hungry enough to eat an apple then they really aren't that hungry.

As I was mentally walking myself through the above thoughts I began to prepare dinner. I bought my first whole chicken (in order to be able to save money on our grocery budget) and cooked it tonight (in the crock-pot to boot! Who knew?!) fully expecting the kids to complain and kvetch through the whole dinner. I also made Yukon gold potatoes (partially boiled and then roasted with a drizzle of olive oil and pepper), Brussels sprouts and a large salad completed our meal. I was waiting for the complaining to start, and it never happened!  All of the kids ate the salad (which wasn't too big of a surprise) and some of them tried the Brussels sprouts (Josh loves them). Everyone (except Josh) tried and ate all of their potatoes AND every single child of mine had seconds of the chicken because they liked it so much!!!! Victory for mom!

Everyone walked away from the table with a belly full of food. No one was hungry and everyone got the point that I am not trying to kill them, and that we will find foods that everyone finds appealing even while trying to avoid dairy and gluten. (Although I read through parts of two books today that advocated raw unpasteurized, homogenized milk. We also know of a family that advocates this type of milk very much. So, I may need to look into that. For now, we will remain dairy free.)

I was thankful to God that I received the pick-me-up that I needed tonight at dinner. Changing our diet  is really, really hard. I know that there are going to be a million more times where I want to throw in the towel, but it's little victories like today that make all of the trouble worth it.

Some Good Advice

I love Michael Pollan. I have two of his books and just took out a third this weekend from the library. After reading In Defense of Foods this weekend I pulled out my trusty copy of Food Rules and began to reread it. I was not disappointed. In fact, it has helped me through some of the struggles that I am facing in regards to changing our diet. Here are some of Michael Pollan's best pieces of advice:

What on Earth am I Doing?!!!

It feels like I have spent the last few days with my head in a book and a pen and notebook right beside me. Most likely because this is true.

I have taken a lot of time to read and research different different type of diets and why they work or don't work. I have tried to understand the reasons behind why certain authors portray certain diets as the best. Since I was/am so confused about who is right I tried to focus on what all these diets had in common. What foods did they most advocate omitting and why? What I came away with is almost every diet recommended that dairy be given up along with gluten. Third runner up was all grains in general. This was followed by nightshades, certain oils, nuts, meat, and finally certain fruits (think citrus).

I have decided that our family is going to give up dairy and gluten to begin with. I really have no idea what I am doing in terms of what I am going to serve since I am eliminating the two food groups that we probably consume the most of in this house. I have no idea how to implement this process and I have no idea how to sustain it. What I do know is that from what I have read several children in my house would benefit from the elimination of these two food groups as well as myself. Gluten &/or dairy can cause acne, stomach issues, ear aches, & rashes among other things. Gluten and dairy can also cause inflammation.

I will take things slowly. One step at a time. Instead of focusing on what we cannot eat I am going to try and focus on what we can eat. I have run this idea by the boys and Andy was ready to start making these changes right away. (We are going to ease into this new concept by eating the foods that we currently have in our pantry and then just not replacing them with dairy or gluten products.)

By not eating gluten I need to make sure that I am not substituting my pantry with boxed non-gluten items.  I am trying to get away from processed stuff so going from gluten based boxed stuff to non-gluten based box stuff defeats the purpose of what I am trying to do.

I think it will help my budget greatly that we will no longer be eating dairy because organic dairy is really, really expensive. I have no idea what I am going to replace those items with though.

I went to the library today and got some cookbooks out to try and give me some ideas on gluten and dairy free recipes. I am hoping that once I get a handful of items to serve for breakfast, lunch, and dinner I will feel more comfortable to experiment and try out new things.

I am going to need to be very careful about our diets in terms of making sure Andy & Sarah get the nutrients that they need as neither of them are big meat eaters. Bob, Josh, and Elizabeth will still be eating meat. I will need to incorporate both vegan and meat entrees into our diet to meet the needs of everyone. Again, I have no idea what I am doing or how I will do it.

I was trolling through Sarah's medical records last night trying to find answers to questions that I have. I came across her IgG test again which measures the level of inflammation in her body. She was first tested for this back in 2014. Her markers were much higher than where they should have been, and this past test in December 2015 showed that her levels have dropped off significantly, but they are still very high. Knowing this, and then also knowing that food can trigger inflammation is enough motive to keep me going even though I have no idea on earth what I am doing. Knowing that I have 3 other children who are genetically predisposed to developing autoimmune diseases as well makes that desire to push on through this initial struggle over hauling our diets all that more real and strong.

As I read through most of the information I have found I am finding a strong desire to make it all myself. Growing a garden, raising my own eggs, maybe even our own cow is an idea that is steadily gaining momentum in my heart. It doesn't surprise me that I feel this way as it seems my whole life was building towards this idea. And as crazy as the idea my seem to those closest to me it is an option that I will have to truly consider in the future because it seems like no one can be trusted anymore to grow my family's food.

Goals for 2016

I don't really like the word 'resolution' it sounds so concrete, inflexible, and foreboding. I have decided to instead set some "goals" for myself which to me seems like a more flexible and forgiving word should things not turn out exactly as I have planned.

I am actually quite surprised that I have set out goals for myself to begin 2016. When I was younger I would make resolutions, fail at them all, and then feel terrible about myself for having failed at x,y, & z. For a while, I gave up the idea of having any goals for the new year mostly out of the fear of failure, but also because I could not understand what was so spectacular about January 1st other than the fact that it was just another day in our calendar year. What made that particular day any more special that it could increase my odds of accomplishing my goals?

This year I have decided not to make resolutions, but rather to set goals. I have chosen this day to write about them and start them because it will be an easy day to remember when I look back and see how far I have come (or not come) on certain things that I would like to accomplish this year.

Here are my goals for 2016:

 Get Some Answers About Sarah's Health. 

For a long time I have been okay with doctors telling me that they do not know what is wrong with Sarah. They have had a suspicion here or there, but there was nothing that they could pinpoint as the exact cause of her illness or even what her illness was. Some thought MS, others CRION, and still others NMO. (In fact, most guessed NMO.) When tests would be ordered the paperwork would sometimes show the reason as being a demyelinating condition, MS, NMO (Devic's disease), Optic Neuritis, etc... I would ask questions and no one would have answers for me other than that Sarah is 1 in a million. And that answer worked fine for a while because the only symptoms of the disease that she displayed were blindness and exhaustion, and you know what? We can deal with those things. Learn to live a life without vision? Check. Learn to find ways to overcome and deal with extreme tiredness? Check. Easy as pie...but when Sarah came to us not long ago and said that her left calf muscle is constantly numb and has been for a while or when she comes to me (as she did just today) and casually mentions that she had her first leg spasm in her left thigh muscle earlier this morning (both symptoms of MS and NMO) then all of the sudden the game changes for me. Because now I am dealing with this monster living inside of my daughter's body all over again. And I am dealing with it without answers. This doesn't sit well with me. In fact, it causes that rage that lies dormant deep inside to surface. That mother tiger that lives inside all of us mama's comes to surface and no longer are not having any answers acceptable. I need to know what is living inside my daughter's body and why because I am going to go to war with this thing and I just would like to be on a level playing ground. So, for Christ's sake could someone please give me some answers???!!!!

And when I hear crickets back after sending an email to her team I know that none are going to be coming now or possibly even in the future and it is up to me to do all of the leg work and research. And it sucks. But a part of me is ashamed that I allowed myself to rely on someone else for the health of my child. I (and Bob) have the most vested interest in our children. Why would I expect that same level of interest in a person who does not have the same feelings for my child as her father and I do? How can I rely on a medical system to find answers that would take time to find if indeed Sarah is 1 in a million? She is just 1 person in a sea of people needing medical care. Does it make financial sense to spend their time (which equals money) answering my questions and hunting down answers for me? Not really. And to be honest, I shouldn't have put all of my trust in them from the beginning. I should have been educating myself on all things MS/NMO/CRION/Optic neuritis related. Don't get me wrong, I did some research, but then I let it fall by the wayside when doctors were telling me that they had no answers because I thought if they didn't have any answers how was I supposed to find any out? If you want to motivate to do something piss me off or hurt my children. In this instance both is happening, so I am on fire right now.

So, I have been spending my days researching everything I can about medication, diet, symptoms, & autoimmune diseases in general. I have been reading as many online medical journals that I can get my hands on without having to pay a fee for the rights to read the findings. I have been hitting national websites as well as obscure ones that would give me any hint as to what I am up against and what I need to do to fix it. To heal Sarah. I have an email in to her neurologist at the Cleveland Clinic asking multiple questions that I want answers to. I get so angry and frustrated sometimes. This isn't how it should be. I shouldn't feel like I am in the middle of an ocean with nothing but a paddle boat trying to get to the shore. But I can kvetch about how frustrated I am or I can just acknowledge that it sucks throw my big girls panties on and just plow through it. (Being stubborn and thickheaded does have its advantages sometimes.)

My goal this year is to get some headway as to what this mystery illness is and to gain enough headway that I can make sure that Sarah does not end up in a wheelchair. Because to be quite honest, I am not sure if I can mentally handle that.

Fix Our Diet

One of the things I am most sure of is that Sarah's disease is somehow linked to our diet. (Not all of it. Certainly there are genetics at play, but I definitely think that something environmental is playing into her illness as well.) I also know that diet is very tricky because there is a ton of contradicting information out there. To combat this I decided to borrow as many books from the library as I could on as many different diets out there: paleo, Mediterranean, Okinawa plan, autoimmune, vegan, gluten free, etc..I am in the process of reading through these to understand the basic ins and outs of each of these diets. My goal is not to pick one of them based on what sets it apart from the others. My goal is to learn what they all have in common and start from there. I have learned a lot from these books already. I plan on doing a bit more research and then talking to my family about what changes I would like to make and why. I'll keep you posted on this as we go throughout the year.

My goal is to learn, implement, and learn some more all year long so that we can get to a place of true health. All 6 of us.

Get My Food Budget Under Control

I think it would be a fair to say that I spent, on average, $1700 a month last year on groceries. By December of 2016 I would like to whittle that amount down to $1000 a month. That is $250.00 a week. Surely, that is doable?


Be More Aware

I spend a lot of time living in the fog of "busyness". Which just means that I spend a lot of time pretending to be busy in order to avoid quiet times with myself. By doing so, I lose a lot of valuable time with myself and my children. I need to quit it. One day, sooner rather than later, my house will be quiet and empty. And I will wish like hell that I hadn't been so "busy" all these years.

My goal is to begin the day with quiet time for myself focusing on what I would like to accomplish each day. I also am going to stop whatever it is I am doing when my children speak to me and make eye contact with them. I am going to give them my undivided attention when we are talking to one another. (Which may sound like a no brainer, but I cannot tell you how often I am doing something else while they are talking to me.)

Learn More About Jesus & How to Model My Life Like His

I believe that Jesus is God in the flesh. I also believe that Jesus is one the coolest dudes to ever have lived. I also believe that a lot of people are turned off by Jesus because of what some people do in His name. I would like to be one of those kinds of people that live out there lives as an example of how Jesus did, not an example of what not to do. I want to help people. I want to live simply. I don't want to be an ahole. I want to be humble. I want to see all people as human versions of God not just as what they do for a living or  their socioeconomic role in this world.

My goal is to read the bible every day and to pray to God every day - multiple times - that He will use me to be a force of good in this world. That He will use me to be a light for others when all they have is darkness.  



Finally, I Want To Practice Gratitude Daily

It is easy for me to get bogged down by all of the crappy things in life. It is easy for me to dwell on the hardships that I face and that my husband and children face as well. It is easy to feel as if nothing is going right. BUT - I know that perception is reality. If I see only darkness then darkness is all that I will get. If I choose to see only light then only light will filter through my soul. I have a wonderful life. I have a husband who adores me. I have children who see me as their shining star and home. Where ever I am is where they most want to be. How cool is that? I have a nice home and car. I have food on my table. I have a very supportive extended family. I am able to not only stay home with my children and be a homemaker, but I get to school them at home with the full support of my husband as well. I get to live in the land of enchantment. I have friends who love me and my children have friends who love them. I have been given so much. I would like to remember to be thankful for all of the things in my life both big and small. Practicing gratitude will enable me to get through the tough times easier because I will have all that I have been given in the forefront of my mind.

My goal is to take small moments throughout each day to say a quick prayer of something that I am thankful for in that moment.

Well, it looks like I am going to be busy in 2016. I think that I can attain these goals. Only time will tell.

Happy New Year to You and Yours!