Goals for 2016

I don't really like the word 'resolution' it sounds so concrete, inflexible, and foreboding. I have decided to instead set some "goals" for myself which to me seems like a more flexible and forgiving word should things not turn out exactly as I have planned.

I am actually quite surprised that I have set out goals for myself to begin 2016. When I was younger I would make resolutions, fail at them all, and then feel terrible about myself for having failed at x,y, & z. For a while, I gave up the idea of having any goals for the new year mostly out of the fear of failure, but also because I could not understand what was so spectacular about January 1st other than the fact that it was just another day in our calendar year. What made that particular day any more special that it could increase my odds of accomplishing my goals?

This year I have decided not to make resolutions, but rather to set goals. I have chosen this day to write about them and start them because it will be an easy day to remember when I look back and see how far I have come (or not come) on certain things that I would like to accomplish this year.

Here are my goals for 2016:

 Get Some Answers About Sarah's Health. 

For a long time I have been okay with doctors telling me that they do not know what is wrong with Sarah. They have had a suspicion here or there, but there was nothing that they could pinpoint as the exact cause of her illness or even what her illness was. Some thought MS, others CRION, and still others NMO. (In fact, most guessed NMO.) When tests would be ordered the paperwork would sometimes show the reason as being a demyelinating condition, MS, NMO (Devic's disease), Optic Neuritis, etc... I would ask questions and no one would have answers for me other than that Sarah is 1 in a million. And that answer worked fine for a while because the only symptoms of the disease that she displayed were blindness and exhaustion, and you know what? We can deal with those things. Learn to live a life without vision? Check. Learn to find ways to overcome and deal with extreme tiredness? Check. Easy as pie...but when Sarah came to us not long ago and said that her left calf muscle is constantly numb and has been for a while or when she comes to me (as she did just today) and casually mentions that she had her first leg spasm in her left thigh muscle earlier this morning (both symptoms of MS and NMO) then all of the sudden the game changes for me. Because now I am dealing with this monster living inside of my daughter's body all over again. And I am dealing with it without answers. This doesn't sit well with me. In fact, it causes that rage that lies dormant deep inside to surface. That mother tiger that lives inside all of us mama's comes to surface and no longer are not having any answers acceptable. I need to know what is living inside my daughter's body and why because I am going to go to war with this thing and I just would like to be on a level playing ground. So, for Christ's sake could someone please give me some answers???!!!!

And when I hear crickets back after sending an email to her team I know that none are going to be coming now or possibly even in the future and it is up to me to do all of the leg work and research. And it sucks. But a part of me is ashamed that I allowed myself to rely on someone else for the health of my child. I (and Bob) have the most vested interest in our children. Why would I expect that same level of interest in a person who does not have the same feelings for my child as her father and I do? How can I rely on a medical system to find answers that would take time to find if indeed Sarah is 1 in a million? She is just 1 person in a sea of people needing medical care. Does it make financial sense to spend their time (which equals money) answering my questions and hunting down answers for me? Not really. And to be honest, I shouldn't have put all of my trust in them from the beginning. I should have been educating myself on all things MS/NMO/CRION/Optic neuritis related. Don't get me wrong, I did some research, but then I let it fall by the wayside when doctors were telling me that they had no answers because I thought if they didn't have any answers how was I supposed to find any out? If you want to motivate to do something piss me off or hurt my children. In this instance both is happening, so I am on fire right now.

So, I have been spending my days researching everything I can about medication, diet, symptoms, & autoimmune diseases in general. I have been reading as many online medical journals that I can get my hands on without having to pay a fee for the rights to read the findings. I have been hitting national websites as well as obscure ones that would give me any hint as to what I am up against and what I need to do to fix it. To heal Sarah. I have an email in to her neurologist at the Cleveland Clinic asking multiple questions that I want answers to. I get so angry and frustrated sometimes. This isn't how it should be. I shouldn't feel like I am in the middle of an ocean with nothing but a paddle boat trying to get to the shore. But I can kvetch about how frustrated I am or I can just acknowledge that it sucks throw my big girls panties on and just plow through it. (Being stubborn and thickheaded does have its advantages sometimes.)

My goal this year is to get some headway as to what this mystery illness is and to gain enough headway that I can make sure that Sarah does not end up in a wheelchair. Because to be quite honest, I am not sure if I can mentally handle that.

Fix Our Diet

One of the things I am most sure of is that Sarah's disease is somehow linked to our diet. (Not all of it. Certainly there are genetics at play, but I definitely think that something environmental is playing into her illness as well.) I also know that diet is very tricky because there is a ton of contradicting information out there. To combat this I decided to borrow as many books from the library as I could on as many different diets out there: paleo, Mediterranean, Okinawa plan, autoimmune, vegan, gluten free, etc..I am in the process of reading through these to understand the basic ins and outs of each of these diets. My goal is not to pick one of them based on what sets it apart from the others. My goal is to learn what they all have in common and start from there. I have learned a lot from these books already. I plan on doing a bit more research and then talking to my family about what changes I would like to make and why. I'll keep you posted on this as we go throughout the year.

My goal is to learn, implement, and learn some more all year long so that we can get to a place of true health. All 6 of us.

Get My Food Budget Under Control

I think it would be a fair to say that I spent, on average, $1700 a month last year on groceries. By December of 2016 I would like to whittle that amount down to $1000 a month. That is $250.00 a week. Surely, that is doable?


Be More Aware

I spend a lot of time living in the fog of "busyness". Which just means that I spend a lot of time pretending to be busy in order to avoid quiet times with myself. By doing so, I lose a lot of valuable time with myself and my children. I need to quit it. One day, sooner rather than later, my house will be quiet and empty. And I will wish like hell that I hadn't been so "busy" all these years.

My goal is to begin the day with quiet time for myself focusing on what I would like to accomplish each day. I also am going to stop whatever it is I am doing when my children speak to me and make eye contact with them. I am going to give them my undivided attention when we are talking to one another. (Which may sound like a no brainer, but I cannot tell you how often I am doing something else while they are talking to me.)

Learn More About Jesus & How to Model My Life Like His

I believe that Jesus is God in the flesh. I also believe that Jesus is one the coolest dudes to ever have lived. I also believe that a lot of people are turned off by Jesus because of what some people do in His name. I would like to be one of those kinds of people that live out there lives as an example of how Jesus did, not an example of what not to do. I want to help people. I want to live simply. I don't want to be an ahole. I want to be humble. I want to see all people as human versions of God not just as what they do for a living or  their socioeconomic role in this world.

My goal is to read the bible every day and to pray to God every day - multiple times - that He will use me to be a force of good in this world. That He will use me to be a light for others when all they have is darkness.  



Finally, I Want To Practice Gratitude Daily

It is easy for me to get bogged down by all of the crappy things in life. It is easy for me to dwell on the hardships that I face and that my husband and children face as well. It is easy to feel as if nothing is going right. BUT - I know that perception is reality. If I see only darkness then darkness is all that I will get. If I choose to see only light then only light will filter through my soul. I have a wonderful life. I have a husband who adores me. I have children who see me as their shining star and home. Where ever I am is where they most want to be. How cool is that? I have a nice home and car. I have food on my table. I have a very supportive extended family. I am able to not only stay home with my children and be a homemaker, but I get to school them at home with the full support of my husband as well. I get to live in the land of enchantment. I have friends who love me and my children have friends who love them. I have been given so much. I would like to remember to be thankful for all of the things in my life both big and small. Practicing gratitude will enable me to get through the tough times easier because I will have all that I have been given in the forefront of my mind.

My goal is to take small moments throughout each day to say a quick prayer of something that I am thankful for in that moment.

Well, it looks like I am going to be busy in 2016. I think that I can attain these goals. Only time will tell.

Happy New Year to You and Yours!