Bob took the kids and dogs to a local park. I am home alone. This is a rare thing for me and the quiet is astounding. I can hear the hum of the house as it heats the square footage of the home. I can hear a car or two pass by down the street. I can hear the buzzing in my ears as I sit on the couch and relish the calm & quiet a house occupied by one invites.
I appreciate the silence more though because it makes me realize just how much I love the chaos and the noise that two dogs and 4 kids bring. The constant chatter among children and clicking of dog feet on the floor. The pounding of a soccer ball against the wall or the building of Lego houses are all a part of my daily life. The silence that fills up this home right now brings me peace, but it is also a reminder that all too soon the silence will be my everyday normal.
A part of me feels like an old woman. Having been a mother for fifteen and a half years at the ripe old age of 36 makes me feel ancient some days. Yet other times I realize that a lot of our friends are just in the beginning stages of growing families and that I, too, could be doing the same thing.
I know that the silence is bound to come. It is part of the natural progression of life. But I am not sure that I am ready for it to come as quickly as it is going to with children ages 15, 13, 11, & 9. I have had my tubes untied (well, only 1 could be put back together so I guess I should say I have had my tube untied) for two and a half years now and I have no new babies in my house, and I am not quite sure I have the energy for a newborn or a toddler. So, does this mean that our family is meant to be complete even if I don't feel like it is in my heart?
If my body is not able to conceive anymore due to my own (foolish) doings many years ago with the birth of Elizabeth and the subsequent tubal ligation that came while they were pulling her out of me perhaps we are meant to expand our family in other ways?
What about adoption? Surely, Bob and I could offer a child or two an amazing home with amazing siblings, couldn't we? I do not have thousands of dollars tucked away to be able to afford an adoption other than doing so through the foster care system and I have no idea what that looks like in other states. I am in the beginning stages of doing research in New Mexico and I don't think that we will be living here long enough for us to be able to get certified as foster parents and then to adopt a child(ren) even though I have been told the state has so many children that need forever homes.
I have told Bob about my desire to look into this option in a brief conversation. I am not sure he realizes how much this idea has taken root in my heart especially now that I know that we will be financially secure enough to take on such a challenge as time goes on. I don't even know if this is an option that will even pan out, but it is an idea that has caught fire in my heart and it just won't die out.
If I am being honest with myself I envision adopting a pair of siblings that are out of the toddler stages, say 4+ years old.
Bob and I are far along enough on this parenting journey to be much wiser than we were in our younger years. We make a great team, and could really offer a pair of siblings an opportunity to stay together while growing up with a security and love they might not have ever experienced otherwise.
Life is so short. I know that there are those out there who would say that I am just trying to add more children to our household to avoid that inevitable silence that will come as children grow. I cannot disagree more. I will welcome the silence when it is meant to be in my life on a regular basis. I just know in my heart that there are two little people out there in the universe (whether my own biologically or my own through choice) who are meant to grow and learn with Bob and I as their parents.
I am excited to see how this fire in my heart plays out. Maybe nothing will come of it. Maybe something will. All I know is that the future will definitely be interesting...farmer? adoptive mother? foster parent? It is all up in the air. I am curious to see what the next few chapters of my life look like. For now, though, I am going to enjoy the rest of the silence that I have left before the chaos and noise of two dogs and four children enter into this place we all call home.
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