Slow & Steady

Have you ever had the sensation that you were drowning?

I have been feeling that way the last two weeks. I can clearly see the surface of the water as I wildly will my mind and body toward the surface, but for some reason I cannot get to that place. I have been walking around most of the time viewing myself from outside of my body and it has been a very surreal experience. I have felt empty. My life has seemed full of darkness and blackness and what scares me most was that there was nothing traumatic happening in my life that could have triggered this response in my body.

It has been so scary. Every morning I would get up and do the routine things that needed to be done in my life. Schooling happened albeit a bit differently and more slowly. I was able to get the kids from point A to point B each night, but in doing these things I have felt like just a shell of myself.

I have felt like a robot going through the motions all the while not really be present in my body. It has been one of the scariest experiences of my life (outside of Sarah's stuff). Thoughts of running away have plagued me, but I don't even have a real destination in mind as to where I want to go. All of the places that normally sooth me don't seem appealing at all.

The only thing that kept me going was the I knew that at some point the darkness that surrounded me had to subside. And I was right. Although I am not out of the woods yet, I can see some light, and that is always a good thing. I am slowly able to reenter my body and take a look at what could have possibly caused this feeling of great depression in my life. Here is what I have been able to come up with:

1. Depression runs in my family. I know that the gene pool I have inherited has a history of people who have suffered from (and still do) depression. This makes me more prone to falling under the crushing weight that ones feels when going through a sustained episode of darkness.

2. I have been under immense self induced pressure.  Because I was unable to do more than the bare necessities of what needed to get done each day I have been able to see just how much I try to accomplish each day. I put immense pressure on myself to be the perfect educator, the perfect homemaker, the perfect cook, the perfect mother, etc...The weight of expectation that I was hurling on my shoulders would crush anyone. I am just surprised that I did not collapse sooner.

3. I have not been taking care of myself.  I have gained back all of the weight that I lost a few months ago. I am no longer exercising regularly. I am not taking time away from my family regularly. I am not reaching out to my close friends regularly. I am not giving myself the same love and time that I give to everyone else in my house. The reservoir of self care that I built up through all of those months of exercising and eating properly dried up long ago.

4. I expect way too much from myself.  I am an all or nothing girl. The reason that I am this way is because I am a perfectionist. I either go at something full blown and do it perfectly, or I don't do it at all so that I cannot fail, or if what I am doing shows the least sign of not being done to perfection I let everything go to hell in a hand basket and give up.

5. I have been "hanging out" with the wrong crowd. I am in an introvert. I didn't know this about myself for a really, really long time, but I know that now. Yes, I can come up with small talk  and can schmooze with people if I need to, but really I would rather be by myself. When I recharge, I go somewhere alone  - on a walk, to a bookstore, etc...I can listen to you talk all day long about yourself, and would, in fact, prefer that, rather than talk about myself. (Which is ironic, I know, considering that I have a blog where I bare some pretty raw parts of myself, but I blog alone on my computer not in a crowd of people.) I have a ton of acquaintances, but very few actual friends and I prefer it that way. (This also has to do with #4 in that I am afraid to be friends with people because I am afraid of not being able to be the perfect friend. I am afraid of letting people down, and I would rather not deal with the drama that sometimes comes with friendship.) So, what I choose to do instead is read a lot of blogs. I have a wide variety of blogs that I do really enjoy, but the problem is that I have let these blogs slowly define my own view of myself and what I should be. I see these smiling moms who cook great meals and talk about living off of the land and their great diets and their fabulous huge families and their toned bodies and their fabulous homes. And after reading these women day in and day out for years I have realized that where their voices leave off and mine begins has lost its defining point. I truly believe that who you hang out with the most is who you become like - whether that is who you are authentically or not - and so, for me, I have been (unconsciously) molding my life to look like theirs because I want the pretty version of what they display on their posts instead of a real life which includes both the beautiful and the ugly. And because I live a life that includes both the good and the bad - the bad times make me think that I am doing something wrong rather than just realizing that bad parts of life are just that - a part of a well lived life. Good and bad, light and dark, you cannot have one without the other. Except that I forgot that because I am bombarded with the prettiness of life day in and day out by these women who only show how nice life can be (or if they dare show a hint of darkness it is easily turned into light again with the swift sweep of a broom and a good rug in which to brush it all under.)

It's not that I don't know who I am. I know exactly who I am. I am the sum off all of those who have influenced my life along with the sum of  all of my experiences. So, this isn't a life crisis of not knowing who I am. This is more just about this really cool woman who lost her way for a while, got crushed by her genetics, expectations, lack of self-care, and some really unrealistic role models.

So, where does this leave me? I don't really know and I am not in a rush to find out. I need to take some time to just decompress. I need to take some time to think about what is working in my life and what is not working in my life. And to be honest with myself about those answers. I need to stop putting so much damn pressure on myself to find the perfect diet, the perfect homeschooling method, the perfect way to keep a home, the perfect way to cook, etc...I need to remember that I am a human being. Just a mere mortal. In some ways, these last couple of weeks have been a blessing in disguise because even though I have felt surrounded by darkness I am able to see just how crazy a life I was trying to lead. I am able to see outside of myself and to see how unrealistic my goals and expectations were. I am not out of the woods yet, I still feel a bit melancholy, but I do know that I will get through this one day at a time. This slow and steady pace will eventually lead me to all of the answers I need and am looking for. I have Hope in that, and if I know nothing else I do know that Hope has never let me down before.