I have a confession to make. For the past two weeks I have been contemplating putting my kids back in public school and going out and getting a part time job. I have even gone so far as to look on line to see what jobs are available here in Las Cruces that would peak my interest. The thought of sending my kiddos away for 8 hours a day and not be solely responsible for the education has seemed like a glorious thought more days than not lately.
I am burned out.
Really, really burned out.
I know that if I actually chose to put my kids back in public school and go get a job of my own that I would regret it the minute I did it. I would miss my kids terribly. And I don't think that they would be getting a better education in school. I think that I can do a better job in my own home of educating my children than the public school can, but that is only because I know my children better and can cater an education around their strengths and weaknesses. My dislike of public education has nothing to do with those hardworking teachers who try their best day in and day out. My dislike of education comes from the fact that the system is broken and because the government is involved so heavily in overseeing the whole thing it will never work correctly.
My desire to put my kids back into public school is purely a selfish one. I. Need. A. Break. Homeschooling can be very hard especially because I am the only one overseeing my kiddos education. All of my teaching weaknesses are apparent and there are no other teachers to pick up the slack where I am not solid. (Unless I choose to pay for a tutor.) I am struggling a lot with that right now. The weight of "what if I screw my kids up with my well intentions?" is sitting on my shoulders weighing me down. I find myself looking straight into my mistakes as a homeschooling mama with some of the bad habits my children have developed. I have no one else but me to blame for these issues.
Schooling my kids has been no fun these past few months. We are no longer doing the history projects we once were and we are no longer spending part of our Friday's doing an art project that one of the kids picked out. We don't take any trips on our own. We only get together with other homeschooling families maybe two or three times a month. We slough through our assigned lessons day after day after day. I am miserable. I think we are all pretty miserable, actually.
I had a freak out moment last Friday on my poor husband where I told him (or perhaps I was raising my voice slightly?) that I could no longer take it. I was tired of everything about my life and I needed to overhaul every aspect of it because I was going to lose my mind if I did not. He just stared at me and did not really know what to say or how to react.
It doesn't help the situation that on top of this there is some work stuff going on (that I am not allowed to talk about yet per Bob's request) that is stressing me out beyond belief.
Bob and I took the dogs for a walk in the desert this morning and I was able to talk to him about some of my concerns about both home educating our children and also sending them to public school. He provided his input here and there, but he mainly just listened to me as I poured my heart out to him about these things that have been building up in my for a while. It felt good to get a lot of stuff off of my chest. And it was nice to feel that we are still on the same page about almost everything related to homeschooling.
My main frustration is that I am doing way too much book work with my kiddos which is burning me out significantly and not allowing us any opportunities to do very much outside the home. Since the summer these have been the subjects my kids have been working on:
Andy: Algebra, Biology, Rhetoric, Greek Roots, Spanish, Latin, Grammar, Spelling, Cursive, Writing, History & Great Books.
Josh: Algebra 1/2, Chemistry, Latin/Greek Roots, Spanish, Latin, Grammar, Writing, Typewriting, History, Logic
Sarah: Braille, Math - Abacus, Writing, Spelling, Latin, Biology & Botany, Logic, History, Grammar
Elizabeth: Math, Botany & Biology, History, Logic, Grammar, Handwriting, Spelling, Latin
Getting through all of this each day with the kids Is.A.Lot. I chose to do so much work with them because I loved the program that the book The Well Trained Mind presented. I thought that it was such a sound program. (And I suppose it still is. It is just not feasible to follow it to a T with 4 children and still be able to have a life outside of book work.)
Bob and I decided that the best thing to do was to talk to the kiddos about my concerns about what was and was not working in our homeschooling. And then to go from there. So, I dropped Bob off at work today and took all 4 kids to a park that has some picnic tables and an open field We sat at one of the picnic tables and all shared our concerns together and came up with a new game plan going forward that I feel very comfortable with. And then we went into the field and played soccer, Red Light Green Light, Sharks & Minnows, Mother May I, and raced each other. It was the first time I have had fun with the kids in a long time. I know that they enjoyed having their mama play with them too.
We have decided to cut everything out except for the basics: Math, Science, History, & Language Arts (Spelling, Grammar, Writing). The boys will pick up Spanish again next fall. The kids want to be able to explore the area around us and also El Paso with weekly or biweekly field trips that just the 5 of us go on. I am completely down with that. They have also asked that we add back in our Friday History projects and art projects because they all liked doing those things so much.
Homeschooling is supposed to be fun. By its very nature it is supposed to allow us the freedom to learn both from books and also from hands on learning experiences. We have gotten completely away from the hands on learning experiences and focused slowly on (kinda boring) book work since last fall and I have paid the price as evidenced by my freak out this past week. Plus, the kids have been spread so thin with all of this subject work (at least the boys have been) that I am not sure if I was doing any good throwing all of that material at them. (I hoped I was & thought I was, but I am not sure in the end if I actually was helping or hurting them.)
I shared my thoughts on getting a job and putting them back in school and all four kids said that they would support me getting a part time job so that I had something that got me out of the house regularly, but only if that meant that they could still be homeschooled. Josh said that the only reason he would ever want to go back to a public school was if we moved to a state that did not allow homeschoolers to participate in public school sports. Andy said that he never wants to go back. Sarah said that she could do either one. She thought there were pros & cons to both staying home and going to public school. Elizabeth said that she was staying home no matter what. In a way, their responses made me feel good because even though I feel like this school year has been a very stressful one and not at all the way I wanted it to go the fact that all four kiddos still want to be home with me despite my blaring failures makes me feel that maybe, just maybe I am still doing something right.
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