Content

The days that were once filled with infinite ways to fill my time have ceased only to be filled by an endless 'to do' task list that keeps me moving from 6 am until 10 pm. One might think that I mind this, but on the contrary, I have not felt this content in a long time.

My heart is completely full. My gut, a huge indicator of if I am living my life with the honesty that only a life being lived authentically can give, is at peace. I spend my days working from one task to the next, and am finding ways to fine tune this or that to be more efficient, but I do none of this in a rush. I just want to savor these days, this peace that I feel as this feeling has been a long time coming, and hard work to get to. And if something doesn't work out the way I had planned I know that tomorrow is another opportunity for improvement; I allow myself the grace to know that all does not have to be perfect, to just keep trying.

My kids are growing and stretching in good ways. Andy is taking the steps necessary to prepare for college in January. Josh is learning how to be a good protector of his sister; to be loyal to her and to put family first. Sarah is stretching herself both physically and emotionally; her days are filled with endless "normal" tasks that take her from sunup to sundown to complete. This isn't an easy thing for her to do, but it is so very good for her in so many ways. And Elizabeth? My girl is getting some very much needed one-on-one attention, hours of it to be exact, and she is thriving.

I am quickly falling into a good rhythm in which this homemaking and homeschooling life I have dedicated myself to is finally falling into place. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be, and after spending a long time thinking I should be gainfully employed to be able to afford the finer things in life, I realize that I am exactly where I need to be. I am the one who keeps everything running smoothly and firing on all 6 cylinders.  I am happy to take on this role. It brings me joy. I feel myself serving a valued and much needed purpose that only I can do.

I feel like my restless heart has been wrestling for contentment for so long, and now I finally have it. I want to savor this feeling and imprint it in my heart, so that if I should lose it I can recall what it feels like and work like hell to get it back. I do not feel the heaviness that has been weighing on my heart anymore. I feel lighthearted. I feel...happy and content. What a glorious feeling.

First Day of School 2019-2020

My three school age children began school yesterday. The bus came at 6:55 am to pick up Josh and Sarah to whisk them off to the high school. We had visitors until noon-ish, so Elizabeth and I didn't get started until the early afternoon on her school stuff. This wasn't a big deal as all I wanted to do with her was introduce her to her new books, explain my expectations of the school year, have her form her own goals, and then get her binders/new school supplies organized. We spent a couple of hours getting all of our tasks accomplished and had a good time doing so. 

It is going to be so nice, so refreshing, and such a good year having just Elizabeth at home. I had an inkling that we were going to have a good year, but yesterday my gut confirmed it.  Having just Andy (when he isn't working) and Elizabeth home is going to take some getting used to, but this will be a good thing. I feel like I spend so much of my time and energy on Josh and Sarah that being able to focus on my bookend children for a sustained period of time is something that we all need and will value in the years to come. 

I do think that Elizabeth and Sarah are going to go through an adjustment period as they truly have been the best of buds and nearly always together for the last 6 years. Having Sarah gone from before 7 am until 3:45 pm every day is going to take some getting used to - I think even more so for Elizabeth  as she is the one still home with me. I have doubled down on finding some homeschool groups for us to meet up with in order to give Elizabeth the opportunity to meet new people. Out of all of the states we have lived in Indiana has the most lax homeschooling laws, but is also the hardest to find groups to join. Most of the groups I find online lead to me web pages that are old or no longer in use. I have a feeling that most people around here have contacts for homeschooling through their churches; since we don't attend church this has been a bit of a frustrating journey with many, many dead ends. If I am anything though, I would definitely classify myself as persistent, when I need to be. I will keep working at it until I find some place for us to meet other homeschooled families. We certainly cannot be the only people homeschooling in this state. 

Sarah came home from school so tired she napped. She had a good day, a better day than she even hoped for. I was so happy for her when she came home and described her day. Josh was able to eat lunch with Sarah yesterday, but will not normally share her lunchtime. This means that until she meets some people of her own to eat with she will most likely be eating alone. I try not to focus on that too much because it is a bit heartbreaking for me, but I need to remember that eating alone is a way of life for some kids; for the time being at least, my kid is going to just have to be okay with that. Maybe this will even be a good thing as it will force her to open up a bit and reach out to others to form friendships. Normally, she will just hunker down inside of herself and not make any effort at all to meet new people. 

Josh had a good day as well. He likes all of his teachers except one or two, but that is probably pretty par for the course. Unbeknownst to us, he is taking two classes that are college credit eligible. Hopefully, he will do well enough in each of them to walk into college next year with six credits under his belt. I know that many kiddos have a ton more credits than that, but I wasn't expecting my boys to have any when they entered into college, so this is a welcome unexpected surprise.

Another baked from scratch Elizabeth goodie for the family to enjoy. 

Playing at the park in the neighborhood this weekend. 

Doing some dance together while listening to music. 

One of the sweetest things in this world is seeing Sarah smile and laugh like this. 

LOVE. HIM.

Sarah's braille tutor (whom our family loves) sent this picture to me yesterday to help ease my anxiety about how Sarah's day was going. This is her in her Honors English class. (She is the girl in the middle in black and white.)

Writing out her school year goals. 

All tuckered out. 

Overall, I would say that yesterday was a very successful day for all. I feel very hopeful that this is going to be an amazing school year for everyone. 

Last Days of Summer Break

School begins on Monday. With Sarah taking a summer class on-line and doing prep work for her Honors English class it seems like there hasn't been much of a mental break for her or for me this summer. I was going to start Elizabeth's schoolwork on Monday too, but I may push that back a week or two just to get a mental break. I realize I don't have much time to make this decision and plan on running through the pros and cons this weekend. Most likely, I will just start her with the other two kids like planned.

The kids have all spent this last week of summer vacation relaxing to the best of their abilities. We have allowed them to stay up as late as they want to and sleep in for as long as they want to. This has meant 2 am bedtimes and noon wake-up times.

With high school soccer practices starting in the beginning of June and Sarah's summer school stuff our summer was pretty uneventful. We took a trip to Ohio/New York in July, but other than that we did not really do much. Some summers we are able to go and do a lot and others we do not have that luxury. The latter was how this summer played out.

I am looking forward to fall as it is my favorite, favorite time of year. I will be thankful when this humidity subsides. After living out west, and being spoiled by not having to deal with humidity, I have become a big baby about living with it again.

Andy has delayed college until January. He plans on working and saving as much of his cash as possible because he wants to try and get his degree without having any student loan debt. I support this fully as I will most likely spend a good portion of whatever life I have left paying off the Bachelors degree I don't even use. I don't want my kids to be in the same spot. 

The kids plan on spending today and this weekend just laying low and relaxing as life is about to get a bit hectic on Monday.

Andy and Bob brewing a batch of beer. 

When I went to visit my family in New York in July I had the privilege of going through my grandfather's drawing books. He would never admit to it because he is too modest, but he can draw pretty well as you can see from these drawings above. That picture in the middle of the drawings is that of a firefighter in the midst of a conversation. That firefighter is my grandfather probably taken in the early '80's - if I had to guess. I keep these items at eye level on the wall that my desk faces so that every morning and every evening when I sit there (or try to anyway) to review the day ahead and plan out the next day I am reminded of him. 

Whole Foods delivers to our area now and I have been buying my groceries on line from them and having them delivered. Whole Foods has the best quality, cheapest flowers around. Seriously, their flowers beat Walmart prices. I got this batch of gladiolas for $5. They are absolutely stunning and I am only showing about 1/3 of them in this picture. They shoot up so high.  

How can I resist putting a picture up of this guy?  My Moose. Man, I love this cat. It is ridiculous. 

Our 2019-2020 School Year

And then there was one...

With Andy graduating this past May, and Josh and Sarah attending the local public high school, Elizabeth is the sole child at home. This school year will be my 7th consecutive year homeschooling (my 9th year total). This year will take some getting used to as I have gone from homeschooling four kiddos up until last year, then last year I had three kiddos, and this upcoming one just one kiddo. The dynamic will be so different. I am looking forward to spending this next year or two just focused on Elizabeth at home. She needs that time with me. I have some fun field trips in mind that we will take this year too.

Here is a look at the textbooks Elizabeth and I will be using this year...

Math:

Science:

History:

Geography:

Grammar:

Writing:

Spelling:

Latin:

Health:

Logic: 

More

Windows open, I hear the sounds of all that is alive around me.  I steal a quiet moment to come to this space to write while children are away from the home, still laying in bed, or otherwise occupied. The cool snap we have been blessed with these last few days is set to end today and I hope to savor its beautiful release from the heat that is promised to come all that I can. The house is clean and organized, there are groceries in the refrigerator, and the cabinets are well supplied; laundry has been kept up with, too. I feel content in this moment in my role as a keeper of the home. 

Sometimes the green-eyed monster finds me, and I wish for more. More vacations, more money in my bank account, more opportunities for the kids, more date-nights for me and the hubby, more cool stuff for the house, more...

But then days like today will string themselves together, and the quiet voice within will gently remind me that I do have more...more love, more freedom, more time with my kiddos, more opportunity to shape and mold them, more time to savor these moments...

I have more of what really matters in this life. For today, I am content with that.

Summer Days

Cicadas make their presence known. A heat wave has subsided taking the humidity with it. As soon as it was comfortable to do so windows were thrown open and the whole house seemed to sigh a breath of relief. Yesterday and today the wind has made its way into the house bringing with it the smells of summer - fresh cut grass, flowers, and rich dirt. A full heart rests in my chest as I breath deeply fully aware of how wonderful these days are.

School books ordered have arrived for the child learning at home with me again this year. School supplies have been purchased for the children heading off to public school in a couple of weeks. The house is a mixture of emotions - excitement, nervousness, anticipation, a bit of fear, and of course, hope.

Sadness and pride co-mingle in my heart. I always miss my people when they go off into the world on their own. Being all together, a complete 6, is what makes me feel most whole. Growing up requires leaving, this I understand, but the practice is much harder for me to embrace than the concept of it. Watching them go, I count down the time until we are all together again; watching them go fills me with a pride that no godly person would approve of, but I cannot help it. All four of them are such good people; such beautiful, wonderful human beings - and I played a role in that, how can I not beam with pride?

These summer days will slip on by; soon fall will be upon us. I do not wish to pause the time and make it last longer, I only wish to be fully present in the time I have before me. If I can master this then the time I do have should be time enough.

Those Country Roads

Meandering down the country roads that will take me from my house to the high school to pick up a son from soccer, I cannot help but see the ghosts of lives abandoned in search of a better life beyond the reaches of what farming could ever hope to bring them. Farm after farm sits silent among fields no longer sown or plowed. Animals that must have once lived out their lives on these pastures can no longer be found. In many of these places, Mother Nature has taken over what man first took from her when he plowed the fields to begin with; vines and tree saplings begin their decent up silos leaning in disrepair. Farmhouses that once held families trying to live off of this land look skeletal as roofs have caved in and window panes have long been shattered. 

I wonder about the lives that these families led. What was it that finally broke them and led them to seek a life elsewhere, something that promised to be better than the lives they were currently leading? What was it like for them to sell their animals, to foreclose on the farm, to look behind them one last time as they drove in their car down the lane from their home to the country roads that would lead them to the city and beyond? 

The drive haunts me; yet I find a beauty in the places that once held farmers and their livelihoods that I cannot ignore. The places that once held human life  now contain the beginnings of new life - of new forests and fields. I drive slowly down these country roads to hear the birds chirping and to see the animals stand and inspect me as I slowly drive past. Being in this country makes me feel like I am intruding on the lands of the animals. 

There is a peace I feel in the country. A feeling of simplicity, not to be confused with easiness. I do not try and fool myself into believing that a country life is an easy life. If I need any convincing of this fact I need look no further than the abandoned farms that dot the roadside. Maybe I am pulling the wool over my own eyes, but I always get the feeling when I drive through this part of town that there is a honesty that is required of country living; a bare bones kinda life where no b.s. or pretense survives. Perhaps that is just me projecting what I hope to see in the shadows of all that shows itself to me as I make my way down the road moving from one farmer's imploded dream to another. 

Long after I have moved away from Indiana I will carry the photographs that my mind has taken of these country roads and the farms left behind. Just like the farmers and their families, all that will remain are the echoes of my presence left in the wind to be devoured and consumed by Mother Nature; to be forgotten until someone else comes through looking for the ghosts of all that gets left behind.