Expanding the Brood?

So, expanding my brood has been on my mind for quite a while now. I would say between 2- 3 years. I went to my ob/gyn last summer to see what his thoughts were on expanding my family, and whether he thought my body could handle another c-section (I have had 4). He thought that 1-2 more sections would be okay, but nothing beyond that. I took that as a good sign. I had a tubal ligation when I had Elizabeth, so getting pregnant was going to take some effort, which I think is a really good thing because it has allowed me to take the time to decide if I REALLY wanted another child or if there was another hidden reason behind this desire. I was referred to a specialist in tubal reversals - which I am lucky because the office is about 10 minutes from my house - to see if I even qualified for the surgery. I am still in the process to see if I am eligible. The doctor has done several procedures and taken blood work to check out my body to see if it could handle a reversal as well as carry another child. I should know something by the end of the month. Bob has to undergo 1 test before we will be able to have our final consultation to review the results of all of our testing. I feel that if this is meant to be then it will be. If I am not meant to mother more children than the Dr. will let me know that I am not eligible for the surgery, and I would be okay with that (I think). On the other hand if the Dr. says I AM eligible - the joy I would feel in my heart is crazy. I have always felt like I made a sound decision in tying my tubes because that was part of my life's journey. BUT I have also felt, for many, many years, that I did something "wrong" because I denied nature the ability to decide if I was meant to have more children. I know that both of these thoughts are on opposite sides of the spectrum, and seem to contradict each other, but in weird way I understand and accept both sides. I would not have felt the way I do today without making the decisions I made 6 years ago when Elizabeth was born.

The other side of this coin is my husband and his thoughts and feelings on the issue. Bob is very happy with our family just the way it is. He would have been much happier had I not brought this idea to him about a year and a half ago. That being said, I know in my heart, that if I asked him to have another child with me (which I have) that he would do it because he knew how much it meant to me. I had to "convince" him to have child 3 and 4, and he loves our girls more than life itself, so I have no doubt that if we went the route of the reversal and were able to get pregnant again, that he would love child 5 just as much. We are very much ying/yang. Bob is very practical, and I am the dreamer of the two. Bob thinks about things - I feel things (and think way too much about stuff too). I respect my husbands opinions very much on the topic, and would never want him to have a child that he resented or did not want. That would be a terrible life for a child to live, and I would rather not have a child at all, than have a child that felt unloved by his father. (I say 'his' because  I KNOW this baby would be a boy - I have had about 4-5 dreams about him. I have seen him in my dreams too which is crazy.) That being said - I just don't see my husband feeling that way about him once he was born. I know that there is a part of him that is intrigued by this issue because he has been entertaining conversations about it for a while now, and I can also tell by some of the comments he has made to me. I think most of him wishes that I would change my mind about wanting this, but a growing part of him understands that the journey of parenthood is really quite fast, and at the end of the day all have is our loved ones. He has always left the family planning largely to me, and I think that he trusts that I would not add another child to our family if I did not think it would be a good idea.

There are times when, I too, think I am crazy for wanting to pursue this idea. I haven't had to deal with tired nights of being up, diapers, nursing, bottles, diaper bag, toddlers, etc...for several years. Why would I want to go back to all of that, especially when I have 4 of the most amazing children in this world? But then my heart stills, that ever nagging voice in my head quiets, and I find the part of me where peace and serenity lives, and I realize that I want to do this because I am a good mother. Because my children are a gift to this world. Because my children are the greatest blessing I will ever receive. Because children grow all too fast, and their time with me is fleeting. Because in my heart I am meant to mother more children. Because more children are more precious to me than dream vacations, a bigger house, fancy cars, and designer clothes. Because as with everything in life, "this too shall pass", and I don't want it to pass with the empty feeling of knowing that there was someone else who was supposed to be here in this world.