The Waiting Place

Have you ever read the book, Oh, The Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss? If so, you know the part where he talks about a place where "everyone is just waiting"? I feel  a lot like that right now. Waiting for the kids current school year to end. Waiting to begin home schooling. Waiting to see if we are going to stay on the mobility list with Allstate or just plan on staying here for the long term to be near family in case of another MS flare up. Waiting for Sarah's vision to be completely restored. Waiting to see if this baby project will become a reality or just remain a dream. Waiting to finish Sarah's steroids. Waiting to see what our portion of our medical bills are going to look like. Waiting to decide if we are going to move to a bigger house in Cuyahoga Falls, or if we are going to try and stick it out that much longer in our house. Waiting to see when Sarah's MS is going to act up again. Waiting to see, if it does act up, where will the flare up occur? Waiting, Waiting, WAITING!!!!!

I feel that I have no control over anything in my life. For a control freak like me, that is a terrible, terrible place to be.  My house looks like a bomb went off it in, my refrigerator is bare, and all I feel like doing is burying my head in the sand and ignoring it all. I was so happy, and grateful, what? two weeks ago? Do you remember all of those blogs of me dripping with gratitude, and love, and just pure gratefulness? Ah, that ship has sailed, hasn't it? Instead of certainty about my life I feel more uncertain than ever. I do not feel like I even know which way is up anymore.

I am waiting for certainty to come back into my life. Waiting for that feeling of control to be restored. Waiting for some semblance of my old life to peak its head around the corner. Just waiting...

(Photo & Book excerpt courtesy of: http://papahere.com/the-waiting-place)

The Waiting Place…
…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a
Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for
Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

Waiting for Summer Break

I am anxious for the kids to be done with school. Sarah is home now, and has been since her MS diagnosis. Her neurologist thought it would be best to keep her out of school since her vision is not 100% and immune system is suppressed. Life seems a bit disjointed now. Everything seems out of whack. I just want my family home.

I am ready for them all to be with me. I am ready to begin a new routine with a new daily flow. I am ready to embrace our new life. Oh, I still have that rage sitting in my belly, but the fighter in me is also back, and she will be damned to let the rage take over her life just as I will be damned to let MS take over my daughter's life. I am ready to begin my new normal, and I will not let this disease rob us of anymore joy.

I will fight MS with everything I have, and I will not stop fighting until a cure is found, and Sarah is rid of this terrible disease. I will look into every possible remedy to keep it at bay, and talk to everyone I possibly can to get as much information as possible. Because MS is such an individual disease with no 2 people having the same journey I will get to know Sarah's MS personally. I will try and learn as much about how it reacts in her body, so that I can eventually be one step ahead of the disease. I will learn so much about her individual form of MS that the disease will recoil when it sees me coming. I will fight this disease until the day I die, if I have to.

Maybe it is wrong of me to want to hang on to my family very tightly right now, but I cannot help myself. We are not guaranteed anything in this life, and I want to make sure that each second that I am able to I am spending it with those I love the absolute most - my husband and my kids.

Including today, the kids have 7 more days of school. I am just as anxious as they are to have them come home. Lazy days at the lake, home schooling, and working as a family unit to keep a clean & organized home are how this family is going to spend its summer. I cannot wait.

Welcome to Holland

My soul sista, as I like to call her, sent this poem to me. She has been my rock throughout this whole ordeal, and I am ever so grateful for her support. It perfectly describes our new life. I will carry this poem in my heart for ever and always.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

The Rage Inside

It is filling me with a darkness so deep I feel I cannot find my way out. The thickness of it so massive I feel it twists and turns me about until I no longer know which way is True North any longer. It corrupts my thoughts of a good life yet to come, and crushes the hopes I have of the tomorrows I have not yet seen. It is a rage that is filling my belly and traveling to my heart and up through my lungs. A rage so dangerous I am terrified of what will become of it if I let it out.

It follows me in my sleep lurking behind every beautiful dream. It is creeping into my heart waiting to capture the hope that clings to it, ever so desperate for the best future possible. Rage is inescapable right now, and I do not know what to do with it other than to own it.

I find myself catching my breath throughout the day as this feeling deeper and darker than anger taps me on my back to remind me that it is still with me. It takes all of those well wishes from acquaintances, friends, and family, and twists those words into ugliness. It makes me want to yell out that it all might not be okay, and that everything will not get back to the normal we all knew. This rage makes me want to scream back to everyone that how can they guarantee that everything will be okay? How do they know that everything will be all right? If there is one thing to be learned, this rage whispers in my ear, is that there are absolutely NO guarantees in this life. That with the snap of your fingers, in the blink of an eye, what once was is now no more.

And yet, I smile to friends and family alike, and tell them that Sarah is getting better. I tell them that we are hopeful for her future. I tell them that she is becoming more and more like her old self. Even still, while I am spilling all of these words out of my mouth, my new companion, rage, makes himself comfortable in the deepest parts of myself. I know he is with me. Just like with Sarah's disease, I would love to rip this unwelcome guest out of my body, throw him on the ground, and stop on him. Ridding my body, soul, and heart of him completely would be a dream come true.

I know that this rage is part of my grieving process. I know that I am in mourning not only for what should have been, but for so many other reasons as well. I know that in order to get rid of this darkness I must embrace it, accept it, and learn to love it. When I am able to do those things the hold that rage has over me will subside, but I am not ready for that yet. I do know that time is the true healer of all things, so I will sit with this monster inside of me, and I will wait until the time comes when I am ready to face it. In the mean time, I just hope that it doesn't completely overcome me.

Birthday Boy - Josh

Today is my son, Joshua's, birthday. He was born at 9:55 am. When he was born his nose and lips seems to take up his entire face, but eventually that little baby grew into a little boy, and that nose and lips fit his face perfectly now. He was such an easy baby who grew into an easy toddler, and an easy child.

I am so proud of him. He is kind and compassionate. An extreme lover of sports. He is such a talented athlete, and I cannot wait to see where his passion for all things soccer takes him. He is a loyal friend, and is becoming an even more loyal brother. He is a mama's boy who will snuggle up to me by moving over on the couch inch by inch instead of just coming over for some lovin'. He does not wear his heart on his sleeve, but rather protects in the event that it could get hurt.

He has grown immensely over this past year - not so much in height, but in maturity, and I no longer feel that I will lose him to his friends when he gets older. My family first motto seems to be sinking in to his psyche, and although he values his friendships very much, they are no longer the end all be all.

He is very quiet, that youngest son of mine, but very observant. He is the fly on the wall always listening, not so much to be nosy, but just because he worries a lot. He is the best friend to his little cousin, Michael, and is a great role model.

He makes my heart smile.

So, to you, Josh - I love you more than you will ever know. I hope that this year is full of everything you could have dreamed of - and then some. I hope that you know how much your dad and I love you, and how valuable you are to our family. You make me so proud, not because of what you do (although you do some amazing things), but because of who you are. Your character is more important to me than anything else you will accomplish in your life. I hope this day is filled with laughter and love and hope.

Love, Mom

Hell on Earth and Moving Up to Purgatory

Saturday, May 18th, 2013 will forever be burned into my head as one of the hardest days of my life because that is the day that my girl, Sarah, was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at the age of 8 years old. It was a day in which I felt that hell had come to settle around me right here on earth

Sarah has had a series of headaches since the beginning of the school year. They would come and go over the course of a day, and she would get one every couple of months. We took her to the eye doctor and was told that her vision was fine. No glasses were necessary. Life continued on with Sarah still getting her periodic headaches.  About 2 months ago the headaches increased in frequency and she was getting 1-2 every week. Because Sarah is a perfectionist I attributed her headaches to stress. I made sure she was getting enough sleep each night, and tried to monitor what would be happening prior to her getting her headaches, but no patter emerged.

On Monday May 13th Sarah woke up with a terrible headache and severe eye pain in both eyes. This headache and eye pain continued through Wednesday when she was seen by her pediatrician. She was given an xray to see if allergies could possibly be the culprit for the headache since her dad suffers from allergies. Her xray came back clear, and the doctor asked that we schedule an MRI for Saturday - just to see. She, like me, had a hunch that something just wasn't right, but neither of us could put a finger on it. MS, I don't think, ever crossed her mind because it is a rare disease in children under 18, and even more rare in pre-pubescent children. In fact, I later learned, that her in 25 years of practice Sarah's doctor has never seen a case of MS in a child. After the xray we were sent home, and told that if Sarah's symptoms got worse to go to the ER. Thursday morning Sarah woke up and vomited. She still had a terrible headache, and her eye pain was excruciating - particularly in her left eye. We went to the ER where she received a CAT scan that came back clean. Sarah was then diagnosed as having migraines, and sent home with a prescription. She woke up on Friday morning without eye pain or a headache, and excitedly went to school. Sarah came out of school Friday after noon and was seeing black dots in her vision. She took 2 naps and felt better. By Saturday, she was watching her sister play soccer when she suddenly went blind in both eyes. Her pupils dilated to the size of her irises, and she became terrified. Because I was still in the hospital Bob came to pick me up, and from there we immediately went over to Children's Hospital. An MRI, Spinal Tap, and several eye exams later her neurologist told us that she has Multiple Sclerosis. Her MRI came back with lesions on her brain, and her optical nerves were extremely swollen which was causing the blindness in both of her eyes. The pediatric neurologist assigned to her case, Dr. T.K. (who is an AMAZING doctor and specializes in MS), started her on a very high dose of steroids Saturday night in order to try and stop the swelling from getting any worse, and then to also reduce the swelling. Sarah stayed on these intravenous steroids until Tuesday afternoon, and began taking an oral steroid on Wednesday morning which she will be on for the next 12 days.

Sarah ended up being in the hospital from Saturday until Wednesday, and was released last night. Her vision in her right eye has mostly come back, but her left eye is not so good. The doctors are hoping that she will be able to recover vision in her left eye, but are not certain that she will be able to do so. It will be awhile before she can see clearly out of both eyes - if ever. I am grateful for the return of her partial vision. I was so very angry with God for a couple of days because I could not understand why he would take her vision of all things. Sarah's big, blue, doe eyes are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, and I cannot imagine a world where she would be blind. THAT to me would be inexcusable, and in the event that MS would take her eyes from her in the future then God better be aware that I will find a way to march my ass up to heaven because we will be having words.
Blindness is not an option for Sarah. I will not let it happen. I cannot fathom a world in which my daughter cannot see her siblings as they grow and change. A world in which she cannot do crafts and ride horses. A world in which she cannot see the changes all around her. I will be damned if this disease would try and take that from her. I will be damned if this disease takes anything else from her either.

Our new life will be filled with doctors appointments and adjusting to this disease, and of course this blog will now be filled with entries about Sarah's progress and MS information. For now, we are taking things one minute at a time because really, that is all that I have, is the present moment.


****The above portion of the entry was written on Thursday evening. I am happy to say that after visiting the ophthalmologist today, Sarah's vision in her right eye is almost completely restored. Her left eye is a different story. Doctors believe she will eventually regain vision in her left eye, but she currently has limited vision and is moderately color blind in that eye as well. The swelling in both of her optical nerves is decreasing which is a very good thing. She will be on steroids for the next 10 days, and doctors are hoping that the steroids will help reverse all of the damage done by the onset of the horrible disease. ****

Post Surgery Life

Funny how life can alter the course of things, and how sometimes disappointments don't seem so bad when looked at from a different perspective. My surgery was partially successful. The doctor was able to "retie" one of my tubes, but the other one did not have enough length to put back together, so he was unable to reconnect that one. I was looking at the situation from the wrong perspective because, although I was grateful that I had a better chance of conceiving than I did before the surgery, I was a little sad that it was not entirely successful. I took it upon myself to determine that if I had a 70% chance of conception with both tubes retied then I must have a 35% chance of conception with just one of them. I was feeling sorry for myself for a fleeting moment, and then realized that if it is meant to be it will be. A 35% chance is better than a .003% chance (which was what my odds were when both tubes were tied), so things are looking up.

My recovery has been both very speedy and a little bit bumpy. I was released from the hospital at 11:30ish on Saturday, and was supposed to go home and take it easy for a couple of days, but I ended up going from one hospital to another as my daughter, Sarah, was rushed to the ER for a medical condition that needed to be addressed immediately. So, instead of getting rest, I paced the ER floor and took care of my family.

I have been really watching what I have been eating in hopes to help my body heal, and it appears to be working. My incision barely hurts anymore, and I am able to sleep on my stomach (which is the only way I can get a good night's sleep). I will just be taking my recovery one day at a time, and know that if I am meant to be the mother of another child it will happen. If not, then I did everything that I could with the resources that I had, and it wasn't meant to be. I am truly okay with that.

Twas the Night Before Surgery...

I am super, super excited about tomorrow's surgery. I feel like I will be made whole again. We told the kids this morning about the procedure, and what I would like to accomplish after the procedure is complete. Some of the kids were excited and some of them were quite surprised. One of them mentioned that we will definitely need a bigger house - FACT. All in all their reactions were good. Even better was the fact that none of them were freaking out about me being gone over night which usually happens. Even Sarah was okay with me being gone for one night, and she is usually the one that gets the most upset when I leave.

I have talked to both my mom and a friend and asked them both what it was like to be under general anesthesia. They each gave me some tips and pointers which I am ever so grateful for. Other than that I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. I am so excited for tomorrow. I have waited a long, long, long time to have my tubal reversed, and I cannot believe that the day is almost here!!!

Countdown for the End of School!!!

School will be letting out in less than a month. I am so excited for the kids to come home. I love having them home with me. No need for alarms and deadlines. No rushing around in the mornings trying to get 4 kids off to school. No lunches to pack or lunch money to hand over. The pace of life slows down, and there is a rhythm that is established. A balance and an order of life that I cherish seems to grow with each passing day of summer vacation.

I have decided to home school the kids over the summer to see how it will go. A trial run if you will. I will be giving the kids about 3 weeks off for a mental break from the rigors of government school life, and then we will slowly ease into a new life based on all things that I hold sacred in my heart. I will be introducing 1 subject at a time, and then approximately every two weeks I will add another subject. I feel that this way we can see how to balance our days, and ease into the home schooling concept. I also like this approach because it will allow me to buy my curriculum in intervals. If we decide, as a family, that home schooling is not working out for us, then the kids will just go back to "regular" school in the fall. Also - because I am going to add math last (which will be the most expensive part of the curriculum) if we decide before the end of the summer that home schooling just doesn't fit our family's needs then I will have saved myself some money.

The kids are anxiously counting down the days of school left too. 16 school days left was this mornings count. Andy said that at his school they have 9 working days left followed by 7 days of fun. It will probably work out that way for the other 3 kids at the elementary school too. Everyone just seems to be worn out from this school year. I suppose it is this way every year I just feel it more this year than in previous years because I have had home schooling on my mind for the last several months.

We are getting a family pass to go swimming at a local lake this summer. We usually get a pass to the local pool that the city offers, but I am finding that each year it gets more crowded and the behavior of the people swimming becomes less and less of what I want to expose my children to day in and day out. So, we have decided to jump ship over to the less expensive, but extremely fun lake in the next down over. We went for the first time at the end of last year's swimming season, and had an absolute blast. The crowd seems a little more tame, and there is more space to spread out, so no one is on top of each other as it seems to be at the town pool.

With Bob being home in the mornings I am not sure if we will go to the lake first, and then do our schooling in the afternoon or if we will do our schooling in the afternoon, and then go to the lake after that. (I know we should probably do our schooling first, but I think that for the summer only we could probably reverse that so the kids can have some fun with their dad before he goes off to work.)

I am always excited to bring the kids home every summer, but I think that this year I might be even more excited than other years. My heart is just so full with gratitude that I sometimes feel like I could explode. I could not ask for anything more right now. I get to bring my kids home for the summer. I get to home school them this summer for a trial run. I get to have the tubal reversal surgery I have been hoping for for quite a while. I have waited a long time for this kind of contentment to wrap its arms around my heart and soul. I know that as with everything in life, "this too shall pass", and life will throw me for a loop once again, but for now I am going to enjoy each and every moment that I can.

Tubal Reversal Surgery

I had my last consultation today before my surgery next Friday. Yep, you just read that last sentence correctly!!! After almost 2 years I finally have a surgery date (05/17/13), and once again, the best husband ever.

I met with a general nurse and an anesthesiologist nurse this morning at the hospital where the surgery will be performed. I answered some health questions for them, had a quick physical, and went over what to expect for my surgery 1 week from today. I was nervous last night and this morning about my appointment today, but once I got there I felt at peace.

The plan is as follows: Thursday evening I will have my least meal no later than 5 pm. By 7 pm I am supposed to take a laxative to ensure that my bowels are as clear as possible. I am not too excited about pooping my brains out all night, but I guess this is par for the course at this point. Nothing to eat or drink either.  At 11:00 am I am to meet at my doctor's office to go over some last minute items with him and then I am to check into the hospital (which is just a stone's throw away from the doctor I have been seeing) at 1 pm. My surgery is scheduled for 3 pm, and should take approximately 2 hours. I will be placed under general anesthesia (which I am a bit nervous about, but only because it is unknown). Once the surgery is over I will be  in recovery for 1-2 hours and will then be moved over to my room where I will be spending the night  just to ensure that everything has gone smoothly. I should be released the next day to go home.

For the procedure itself, my doctor is going to make a small incision over my c-section incision and will insert a camera to make sure that I have enough tube length to connect the two pieces back together on each side.(At 2 of my appointments with him he let me know that he couldn't guarantee he would be able to do this, but that he could give me a 99%+ chance that he would be able to connect the tubes back together. Once he has verified that there is indeed enough length to do so, he will make a larger incision, again over my c-section scar, and proceed with tying my tubes back together.

I am nervous of the unknown, but I feel VERY comfortable in my doctors hands, and also very comfortable with the staff I have met over at the hospital.

I wasn't sure what to tell the kids about this whole thing. I obviously need to tell them something because I will be gone over night, and because I will be sore for a couple of days afterwards. Bob and I have decided to just tell them the truth (DUH!) about what we are doing. I am nervous about Elizabeth blabbing  to everyone she knows - especially relatives whom we are not certain that we want to know anything about this procedure quite yet. Bob and I decided that just because people may not agree with what we are doing we still feel that we need to be respectful and let them know of our plans. We are going to wait until Thursday night/ Friday morning to tell them because I don't want them worrying all week about it.

I am so excited about this procedure. I have waited a long time and fought very hard to have this surgery. I am so lucky, and so extremely thankful.

My Favorite Birthday Gifts

Here are my 4 favorite birthday gifts. They are worth more to me than gold. They are the birthday cards my kids made for me, and I love them so much I wanted to share them with you.

This card is from Andy. (Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to turn the image!)

 Josh - who apparently thinks 34 is old - wrote: 'Happy Birthday, Grandma'

On the inside he wrote: 'Here's a birthday gift money could NEVER buy!? One Year Grounded Free Coupon (starts now). Restrictions May Apply'.

(This is a joke between us b/c he asked why I never get grounded. When I explained to him that it was because I am a grown up, and that in my house, children are the only ones to get grounded he didn't like that idea and thought that I should also get grounded just like the kids do. He is becoming quite the comedian. His card made me laugh.)

 

This is Sarah's Card

'Best Mom in the Earth!'

'I love Mom'

'What I am giving to you for you(r) birthday is my heart. Happy Birthday, Mom.'

And finally, Elizabeth's card - which made me bawl.

'I love my mom'

'I love my mom'

'So when my mom is with me I am happy'.

'And when my mommy is my best friend'.

'So when she helps me get my shoes'.

'She helps me get my lunch'.

'So when I am gone she is sad'.

'And when I get home she is happy'.

'Love you mom'.

 'The End'

Do I have the BEST, most AWESOME kids in the world? Yes, I do.

My Surprise Birthday Getaway

I have the Best. Husband. Ever.

For my birthday my husband:

Found someone to take care of the kids. (Thank you mom and dad!)
Rented a car.
Took me to Pittsburgh, PA.
Got us a hotel room.
Made reservations at a fancy restaurant.
Gave me the afternoon to do as I pleased.

 It was an awesome surprise getaway. Not too far, but far enough that it was not familiar territory. This night out was awesome. I ate some of the best food ever - I mean it was soooo gooooood.

We are home now, and I am refreshed and relaxed. I really do have an amazing husband. I wish everyone had a husband as great as mine.

Getting ready to leave in our rental car.



 I was a little miffed at the hotel personnel because there was construction EVERY WHERE!!! It was in the hallway's, in the lobby, blocking the front entrance, in the breakfast area, by the elevator's - you name it there was construction on the main floor. It was a bit of a nightmare to navigate through, and because we don't get to spend the night away from our kids too often it bummed me out more than it would have if we regularly were without them. (To make matters worse the city was working in a man hole in front of the hotel, so they were blocking the entrance to the hotel all
afternoon.)

We rode the incline up to the top of Mt. Washington. The restaurant we went to is hidden by the tree's on the left hand side of the picture.  Because I am afraid of heights it was a pretty scary experience for me, but Bob seemed to love it.

 

 



 This was our view from the restaurant which sat on top of Mt. Washington. It was so beautiful.

Me & Bobby. We make a pretty good couple, eh?

We spent the afternoon shopping and eating on Carson St. We went to an awesome deli for lunch called The Carson Street Deli. The menu was awesome. Bob and I each found something we could eat, and they had a TON of local beers on tap. I highly recommend the place to anyone going to Pittsburgh.

This was the view this morning from on top of Mt. Washington. We came back here this morning because we had such a great time up here last night. It was drizzling most of last night as well, and we wanted to catch a glimpse of the city from this view while the sun was out.

A Year In Review

A year ago today, on the eve of my 33rd birthday, a friend took me out to dinner for evening of good food and companionship. She was on the verge of becoming a mother for the first time, and our friendship took a deeper turn. We connected that night, and our evening was the catalyst for change I was looking for.

For some time before our dinner out I had been restless. There were things that I felt were out of sync in my life, but I couldn't put my finger on what or how to change it. I knew that I was unhappy with a lot of things - the way I parented, the way I took care of my home, my weight and diet, my smoking habit, etc...I had felt uncomfortable in my life - I knew that I wasn't living authentically, but I also knew that I was uncertain that I had the strength to live my life in accordance with the Truth of my soul. We talked about everything and nothing in particular during dinner with my friend, but I knew that I had found another kindred spirit in her, and more importantly I found a sounding board to go to when I had questions or concerns in the area of parenting or anything else for that matter. Just knowing that I had someone to turn to - who truly understood my struggles to make good sound authentic decisions was enough to catapult me to make some major changes. I have a lot of people in my life that I can turn to for certain things, but only a small handful of people that I would turn to for anything - she is one of them.Sometimes a person needs to feel that someone else believes in them in order to be able to find the strength to believe in themselves. She was that someone for me.

In the past year I have:

Become a vegan.
Lost  35lbs.
Started this blog.
Stopped biting my nails.
Became less of a critic of myself.
Lived apart from my husband while he was on a job assignment for work for 7.5 months.
Lived as a single parent (Sunday night - Friday night) while my husband was away for 7.5 months.
Realized that I am an incredibly strong woman.
Became a better mother.
Scheduled tubal reversal surgery (which is May 17th for anyone who is wondering).
Decided to consider home schooling my 4 kids.
Stopped smoking, stopped smoking again, and REALLY stopped smoking.
Started to read the bible from cover to cover
Regained the strength to live my life authentically.
Realized that dreams do come true.
Realized that my husband loves me more than I ever knew possible.
Realized I am the heart of my home.
Fell in love with the spirit of Christmas all over again.
Fell more in love with my husband than I thought possible.
Realized that I really hate politics - especially school politics...


This year was the best year of my adult life. Hands down. It was also one of the hardest years of my life. I do not want to ever live the year over again, but I am so grateful that I went through all that I did. I felt more aware of my life in the past year than I have at any other time. I cried more than I have and fought more for the things that were truly important to me than I ever had before.

I never would have imagined 1 year ago, that I would be prepping to try and have another baby, and that I would be looking into home schooling my kids. I would have told you that you were crazy. Not because I didn't want another baby with all my heart back then, but because I never thought that my husband was actually going to agree to go through with the tubal reversal surgery. If you would have told me 1 year ago that I would actually become a vegan, and FINALLY lose some weight - I would not have believed you, but indeed both happened.

I look forward to seeing what this next year brings. I know that I will have experiences in this upcoming year that I would have never thought possible. My life is amazing, and I am so thankful for it.

My husband (as if he hasn't done enough for me already) has planned a special over night trip for the two of us to celebrate my 34th birthday. He already has a sitter lined up (thank you, mom) and that is all that I know. I have no idea where we are going or what we will be doing. I look forward to sharing the details of my birthday with you all.

Here's to another life changing year! Cheers!

A Day Of Celebration - Andy's 13th Birthday

For their birthday's, my kids get to choose what they would like to do for the day, and also what they would like to eat. Andy chose to have pancakes for breakfast (although mine are never quite as good as the Mickey Mouse pancakes (Great) Grammie and  (Great)Grandpa in NY make), mac & cheese for lunch, and the Olive Garden for dinner. Andy asked both sets of his grandparents to come to dinner with us as well as his Aunt Emily & her family, and all obliged. We ended the night with home made Oreo cookie ice cream cake.

Because Andy's birthday fell on a Sunday this year, and because he had a soccer game on his birthday we decided to allow him to begin celebrating his day Saturday night. He had a friend over for the night, and they rented video games and were allowed to play for as long as he wanted to. He was very appreciative of this as video game use is very restricted in our home, and Andy would play video games 24/7 if he could. He ended up staying up until 5:30 am, and woke himself up at 9:30 am!!! Needles to say he told us yesterday that he won't be pulling an all nighter any time soon, and certainly never the night before his birthday. He ended up taking a small nap during the day, but not enough to keep him from being extremely exhausted all day.

Overall, he told me last night as I put him to bed, that he had a good day.

Sarah decorating the refrigerator in honor of Andy's birthday

At the end of the day - totally beat, but happy.

A Birthday Boy

In two days, on May 5th, our Andy, will turn 13. I remember so clearly the moment he was placed in my arms little did I know what wonderfully awesome experiences I was about to have because of this 10lb 02 oz baby boy.

Andy is a shining example of everything that is right in this world. He has such a pure heart, and I truly cannot think of anyone else with whom he shares that kind of company. I admire him so much because he is so unlike me in so many important ways, but yet, he is still my son. My oldest son. My oldest child.

It does not seem like I have been a mother for 13 years, and yet I cannot remember a time when, as an adult, I wasn't a mother. It seems like he has been with me for eternity showing me through his example of how kindness, generosity, and grace are supposed to be lived out. He has faced more adversity in his young life then I would have ever wished for any of my children to have to carry, and he has taken those burdens and carried them without letting them harden his heart. A weaker person (i.e. me and most other people I know) would have had a heart of stone if I had to face some of the experiences he has.

I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. I am honored to have the privilege of seeing him through to adulthood. I am blessed that he came into my life, and made it so much better. As parents we are supposed to teach our children the ways of the world, but I sometimes feel that Andy has shown me more about life than I will ever be able to impart on him. He is an old soul. A gentle, kind, sweet, honest old soul. I know that Andy is supposed to be the gift receiver on his birthday, but I sometimes feel that I am gypping him because he has given me the best gift ever by being in my life every day. And that because of him I fell into this life that I love with all of my heart and soul.




I look forward to spending the next few years with him enjoying his company, and watching him grow. These last 13 years have been amazing.

So, here's to you my sweet boy. Happy 13th birthday! I love you more than you will ever know. You are in my heart always and forever. I am honored to be your mother. Thank you for  being my guinea pig, and for being so forgiving. I wish you the best 13th year of your life with many more to come.

I love you.

 Mom

Miss Elizabeth

My wild woman has been working really hard around here lately, and has surprised me more times than I can count. She is still a firecracker - I don't foresee that every really changing, but I have seen her do some amazingly mature things lately.

We purchased mulch to put on the flower beds and in the vegetable garden which we will be planting in the next week or so. Each day I have gone out  and worked on spreading the mulch where the flower beds as I have time. As I was getting ready to call the kids in for the night last night I found Elizabeth with a bucket, shovel, and rake. She had applied about 3/4 of a yard of mulch to our sandbox area - all on her own without any help or being asked to do so. I watched her as she took her 2 gallon buck filled it to the brim, walked it over to the sandbox area, dumped it out, and then raked it so that it was even. Back and forth she went, over and over again. As she usually does, she was humming a tune to herself quietly just going about her business one bucket at a time.

It was a moment I will not forget. Watching her in her own rhythm, doing her own thing without me interrupting or rushing her or giving her mandates or rules she went about and completed a task for the family. It was an honor for me to watch her for the 10 minutes or so that I could before being called away by one of the other kids. To see her as she was in that moment - in HER private moment was a true blessing.

It is unfortunate, but true, that my days are so full of busyness that I often do not get to glimpse moments like these in my children's lives. Seeing Elizabeth, for that brief moment in time, made me realize just how much I am missing out on. It is time for me to slow down and savor this wonderful, beautiful life that I have. The things that are truly important will be get done - all of the rest of the stuff is just filler. I want to have less filler in my life and make time for the things I truly cherish. After all, these moments too shall pass.  I need to savor every moment that I can, and hold them close to my heart for now, and always.

Fun Days

As I sit here and type this my children are all playing Lego's together in the girls bedroom. They are working to create a dream home for their Lego people. They started working on this project several nights ago, and I have had to pull them away from the Lego's each of the last 2 nights at bedtime.

They came home from school today at 2:30ish, and helped me put some mulch out and spring clean the garbage cans, laundry baskets, and kitchen chairs. Each helped me without complaint (except for Andy who was napping. He has poison ivy so bad his eye is swollen shut. He has missed the last few days of school because the rash is all over his body and in his eye. I have loved having him home.) and I watched each of them working and my heart was filled with love.

I have noticed lately that since I have mentioned to them the possibility of bringing them home there is more peace in this house. They are constantly playing together - all 4 of them - and getting along splendidly. Now, I have been a mother for long enough to know that there is still going to be fighting, but I am enjoying these days so very much. Josh, who normally is begging to call his friends to play, has been turning down my suggestions to call them and instead opting to stay home with his siblings. These days have been as close to perfect as they could be, and I am cherishing each and every moment.

These moments of near perfection are what I strive for each day - not because they are perfect in the way that you might imagine the word - they are perfect because we are one cohesive family. One tightly knit group of individuals who work together as a team, and have each others backs.

Since rearranging the house, and having the boys share a room again I have had the privilege of listening to their late night conversations, and I am glad that we moved them back in together. There is nothing in this world like having a brother or a sister - someone who is not mom or dad, but who is walking through this family life with you, and knows you through and through - to share late night conversations with.

When I was growing up and people would ask me what I dreamed to be when I grew up, I never really knew. I would throw out some arbitrary occupation to appease both myself and the questioner, but I never really knew. I know now that THIS is my dream life.  Being a mom to the 4 (hopefully more) children I have. Being a wife to the wonderful, wonderful man I married. Being the woman that I have slowly become. I am living my dream life each and every day, and my heart has never been filled with more gratitude for each piece that makes up my life. I hope you are living your dream life as well, and I hope that if you are not that you will take the time to find out what your dream life would look like, and then go out and create it. Many blessings to you.