The Rage Inside

It is filling me with a darkness so deep I feel I cannot find my way out. The thickness of it so massive I feel it twists and turns me about until I no longer know which way is True North any longer. It corrupts my thoughts of a good life yet to come, and crushes the hopes I have of the tomorrows I have not yet seen. It is a rage that is filling my belly and traveling to my heart and up through my lungs. A rage so dangerous I am terrified of what will become of it if I let it out.

It follows me in my sleep lurking behind every beautiful dream. It is creeping into my heart waiting to capture the hope that clings to it, ever so desperate for the best future possible. Rage is inescapable right now, and I do not know what to do with it other than to own it.

I find myself catching my breath throughout the day as this feeling deeper and darker than anger taps me on my back to remind me that it is still with me. It takes all of those well wishes from acquaintances, friends, and family, and twists those words into ugliness. It makes me want to yell out that it all might not be okay, and that everything will not get back to the normal we all knew. This rage makes me want to scream back to everyone that how can they guarantee that everything will be okay? How do they know that everything will be all right? If there is one thing to be learned, this rage whispers in my ear, is that there are absolutely NO guarantees in this life. That with the snap of your fingers, in the blink of an eye, what once was is now no more.

And yet, I smile to friends and family alike, and tell them that Sarah is getting better. I tell them that we are hopeful for her future. I tell them that she is becoming more and more like her old self. Even still, while I am spilling all of these words out of my mouth, my new companion, rage, makes himself comfortable in the deepest parts of myself. I know he is with me. Just like with Sarah's disease, I would love to rip this unwelcome guest out of my body, throw him on the ground, and stop on him. Ridding my body, soul, and heart of him completely would be a dream come true.

I know that this rage is part of my grieving process. I know that I am in mourning not only for what should have been, but for so many other reasons as well. I know that in order to get rid of this darkness I must embrace it, accept it, and learn to love it. When I am able to do those things the hold that rage has over me will subside, but I am not ready for that yet. I do know that time is the true healer of all things, so I will sit with this monster inside of me, and I will wait until the time comes when I am ready to face it. In the mean time, I just hope that it doesn't completely overcome me.