I wrote this post last year with so much hope and promise for the upcoming year. I am glad that I did not know then the heartbreak that was just around the corner. I am not sure if I would have survived if I had known.
This past year broke my heart. It hurt me so deeply that I sometimes, still, find myself rubbing my chest to try and comfort the ache that does not seem to dull, even with the passing of time. In fact, with the 1 year anniversary almost upon us of Sarah's diagnosis, I find that the ache is becoming more pronounced. I find myself tearing up at random times just thinking about how hard it has been. The uncertainty. The unknown.
This past year was like living life in a constant state of high alert. I felt (and still feel) like it is just one fire alarm after another with Sarah, and that the hope for life to get back to a new normal is a dream that will never come true. I don't know how I will manage if my life will be all about living in high alert constantly. That state of mind and body is completely exhausting.
I feel like I was able to focus on nothing other than Sarah and the ramifications of having a child with a serious illness. I feel like I was constantly running from one child to another trying to keep them out of crisis mode while trying to fight for good care for Sarah.
This past year proved to me time and time again how hard life can be. How unfair and unjust it is. How utterly heartbreaking it can be with no rhyme or reason. It proved to me that sometimes bad things happen to beautiful souls and that there is no explanation for that other than it is what it is.
This past year wasn't terrible all of the time. There were times of pure joy. Joy which I never would have appreciated had I not been through hell. I got to bring all 4 of my children home to homeschool them. I loved doing this, and it was (and still is) and honor to have them home with me. We have learned so much together as a family because of this adventure. Being together made Sarah's hospitalizations less difficult on us all - for this I am sure.
There were gifts that I was given this year too. The gift of Hope. Hope carried me through so many of my dark moments this past year. It also, at times, cut me deeply, especially when things did not go as I hoped them to. The gifts of Life and of Health were bestowed upon me this year. At least the knowledge of them as gifts were bestowed upon me. You see, I took Life for granted. I took Health for granted too. But, I know better now, and I do not see myself ever taking either for granted again. Because the fact of the matter is that none of us, not even the most pure among us - children, are guaranteed Health or Life. I hold those thoughts so close to my heart, and think about them often. Remembering these things is important to me because it enables me to remember to make each day count. That even the mundane of passing days has something important to teach me and should be respected.
I learned a lot this past year. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about my children. I learned a lot about my husband. My children are these amazing souls that are resilient and beautiful and wonderful. I am so honored to be their mother. All of them have taught me so much this year. I learned that I am a warrior. That I will do whatever I feel is right and necessary to care for ALL of my children. I learned that my intuition is spot on and should be revered. It is not to be doubted. I learned that I am so much stronger than I ever imagined myself to be.
Something that surprised me this year, was that even though I am very strong, I still need to have faith in something bigger than myself. I still need someone to help me carry my load. I didn't think that I would ever want a relationship with God, but I do. I am not talking about the churchy church kind of relationship - although that doesn't mean that I won't go to church ever - it just means that in doing some reading, today's churches and religious denominations look at a lot different than what I think that God intended them to look like.
I learned that there is someone who ALWAYS has it worse than I do.
I learned to appreciate that even though things are bad they can always be worse.
I learned that it is okay to be sad, mad, scared, etc...because right now, yeah - our family does have it a bit worse than others. I just don't want to dwell in those places for too long because, again, someone else would give up a lot to be where we are at. Because to someone else our pain is nothing compared to theirs.
I learned that I have an amazing community of friends who would do anything for us. I learned how much I need those people and how much I love them. I learned that my children have an amazing group of best friends whom I adore.
I learned (again) that my family, both immediate and extended, are my rock. They are what keep me grounded and keep things real. They supported me when I was not able to support myself because I was so broken.
Now, out with the old - in with the new....
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I am 35 now. I just celebrated my birthday yesterday. All of my focus was on my family this past year, but this year I am going to dedicate to myself. My health is my priority this year. My physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental health are my main priorities. I am going to take care of myself because myself is all that I have. I don't get another body. I don't get a do over at life. The best thing that I can do for my children and husband is to care for myself.
I am not sure exactly what this is going to look like, but I have some ideas. I am going to change up my blog a bit, so that you can help me accomplish my goals. On each day I will post about a certain topic. This way, you know what is coming (sort of) and I know what to write about (sort of).
Monday - Weight Loss Central - I will post how much weight I have lost the previous week. What worked for me during the week prior. What didn't work for me. Exercise/Food thoughts (for me).
Tuesday - Parenting/Homemaking
Wednesday - Things that Inspire Me and/or Things I am thankful for
Thursday - Parenting/Homemaking
Friday - Family Menu / Food questions/ Recipes, etc...
Saturday - Nature/Gardening/Hiking
We'll try this format out - beginning on Monday and see how it goes. It might stink and I will just revert back to hairy carry way of blogging, but I thought it was worth it to try something different.
Thanks for hanging in there with me this past year. I know that it was kind of a depressing year. Blah! You, dear reader, helped carry me as well as my family and friends. You gave me a place to write and get out thoughts that I could not adequately get out otherwise. Thank you! Now, let's have a good year, okay?
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