As I was sitting at a soccer game tonight sandwiched between a good friend and my mother I couldn't help but think about how I wish I was content to stay. How I desperately wish that I didn't yearn to show my children different parts of the country. How I wish that I could be perfectly content to live and die in the city I reside in right now, and never have a regret about doing so.
I know so many people who will reside in this town for the rest of their lives, and will be perfectly content to do so. I envy those people right now. I envy those people because they will never have to tear their children away from beloved friends and family members. They will never have to question if they are doing the right thing - because for them staying is a no brainer. For those people - they look at people like me and cannot fathom a life of traveling from place to place. The thought of doing so never crosses their minds or if it does it is done with disdain.
But for me - I couldn't imagine staying. I yearn to see the country and show my children the country. Right or wrong - I have this undeniable yearning to expose them to different cultures and societies. I want them to learn that it is okay to leave because those that are meant to stay in your life will do so no matter where you are. I want them to learn that it is okay to try something new - even if it is incredibly scary - because something great may come of that risk.
But... then I hear about plans for the future in my own community. Plans friends are making. Soccer team plans for the indoor season and spring. Plans that will happen without us because we will be far away. It is then, in those times, when it is hardest to imagine us leaving because those plans were supposed to be ours. Of course, life goes on for everyone, us leaving is not the end of the world. The lives of those we love will continue on here -albeit without us.
Leaving is so hard. I knew it would be hard, but it is even harder than I thought. I watched Josh tonight hanging out with his best friend at the soccer game, and I couldn't help but think that I was a terrible person for tearing these two boys apart. (I have been having these feelings every time I see my children with their friends enjoying themselves and having fun.) In one week they will have said good-bye to each other (at least until we visit again around Christmas). Just one week! How many good times shared and memories created am I taking away from both of these boys just because I have an adventurous heart? Just because I want to provide something different for my four children?
I hate this part of moving. I absolutely hate it - I feel broken into a million piece. In some ways I cannot wait for this next week to be over because maybe once we are in New Mexico it won't hurt so badly. But then, the thought crosses my mind that maybe it will hurt more because I will be somewhere new, and I will know what I am missing back at home. I will know that everyone that I love and that my kids love are carrying on with their lives without us.
How I wish that staying was enough and that I would never want more out of life than that. Because then it wouldn't hurt so much right now.
When I was 11 we moved from Arizona to Ohio; basically the opposite of you! And looking back it was one of the best things my parents did. It was so my dad could have a better opportunity to make more money. It was hard at first. Culture shock, temperature shock and the missing of my grandparents. From 3rd to 9th grade I went to a different school every year. At the time it was hard but now I am okay with new situations and people. I don't know any different so who knows if this would be a difficulty for me. However, I want to raise my kids in the same place for their whole lives because I want to live vicariously through then and see what it's like lol. I do think if we had a windfall we would probably move, though. Money does give you some freedom to travel and move.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to all of you! At least you have each other! I am an only child so I didn't have that same family dynamic of built in companionship. Another thing that I'm living vicariously through my children!