I have a confession to make.
I miss New Mexico. A lot.
I should I love it here. Everybody loves Portland. Portland is great. There are so many things to do. There are so many options. It is so trendy! It is so hip! That is wonderful and all but...it isn't New Mexico.
Don't get me wrong. I like it here. The abundance of options is great. I missed real trees so much in New Mexico and they are here in spades in the Pacific Northwest.This part of the country is definitely better for my kiddos. I have already been in contact with several people talking about options for Sarah. There are several competitive soccer teams that Josh can try out for. There are so many clubs and colleges in the area that Andy will have so many choices for his programming ventures. Elizabeth also has options galore in terms of selecting what she could like do. The schools are good should we decide to send them back to public school and the homeschooling community is large should be decide to continue homeschooling. Our home is nice and cozy.
So, why do I feel like something is not quite right here? Why do I feel like something is just a bit off kilter? Maybe I have changed. Maybe New Mexico altered me in more ways than I thought possible. I fell in love with New Mexico the moment I first saw the Organ Mountains. I cannot tell you why exactly. I just fell utterly in love. I knew that it would be hard for me to leave Las Cruces, but I just assumed that I would fall in love with Portland as much and as quickly as I feel in love with Las Cruces. As the days pass and that feeling still hasn't swept me off my feet I cannot help but feel a deep and abiding sense of disappointment. Las Cruces spoiled me so much with its beauty that I just expected the rest of the country to do the same. The harsh reality that I won't fall in love with every place we live the way I did in Las Cruces is hard for me to handle right now. And here's the thing - it's not bad here. I don't hate it at all. There is a lot of beauty and a lot of adventure to be had here. It's just not...well, it's just not Las Cruces. And you know what? Yes, I could give it time. And I will. And this place may become something that I learn to love over time. Maybe it's meant to be a slow burning love rather than an instantaneous love like I felt when I first arrived in New Mexico. I don't know. Sometimes when I am missing New Mexico I will point out all of the really annoying things about it. Just to get my mind off how much I miss it because certainly it wasn't perfect. There were a lot of things that could cause a person to go crazy living there. There are a lot of reasons I should be so glad to get out of there: the manana attitude (if you don't know what that is you should count yourself as lucky), lack of options for kids activities, lack of ethical contractors, poor school systems, lack of good medical care, etc...all of the big things that one needs access to with a family like mine Las Cruces really didn't offer. And I try to recall those things, but I just cannot help missing the place so much even despite its inadequacies.
I miss my soccer family. I miss the wide open spaces New Mexico offers. I miss the sunsets. I miss the sunshine. I miss the mountains. I miss the feeling of knowing I am in the middle of no where and feeling secure in that space. I miss the wildness of New Mexico. I miss the live and let live attitude of its people. I miss friendly faces and smiles. I miss hearing 50 different Spanish radio stations while trying to find one in English. I miss Mexican food. I mean, real authentic Mexican food. Not the crap that is passed off as authentic Mexican food in other parts of the country. I miss the bad drivers and the Texas license plates that explained the bad driving. I miss the nighttime walks in my old neighborhood. I miss the stars that shined so brightly in the desert. I miss desert walks and hearing coyotes howl in the evening. I miss Soledad Canyon, Cloudcroft, Aguirre Springs, & White Sands National Park. I miss living on the border. I miss being a minority. I miss my Hispanic friends and their culture.
Bob and I always said, when we lived in New Mexico, that we would like to retire there someday. I wasn't sure if we would still want to do that when we left. I thought that getting back into civilization would awaken something in me that I buried when we moved from Ohio to New Mexico. I found the opposite to be true now that I am back in "the real world". I cannot wait to buy a little house in the foothills of the mountains. I cannot wait to go back to the place where the space is wide open. Where the people are friendly. And where my heart feels it belongs.
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