The Gift of Their Trust

As a mother I have always been pretty fearful of the teenage years. I think that this is mostly because I knew how I was as a teenager and also because I believed that teenagers were mouthy. sullen, secretive, withdrawn beings.

When Andy became a teenager and didn't exhibit any of the signs that I was looking for the typical teenager to have I just thought that he was an atypical person and that surely, I would pay for his goodness as the other three came of age. Clearly, I was wrong. Pleasantly wrong.

I now have two teenagers in my home with a young lady quietly waiting in the wings of teenagdom. I don't have sullen, sneaky, secretive withdrawn beings in my midst. What I have is these amazing young men who are generally the same people that they were prior to hitting the teen years.

I have wondered why this is. And I think it comes down to this: My children, but my teenage boys in particular, trust me. They know that they can come to me with any question they have and I will not mock them, laugh at them, be critical of them. They know that they can come to me when we disagree on something and I will hear them out. (I may not always side with them in the end, but they know that they at least had a fair shot a presenting their case.) I don't treat my teenagers as babies or children, but I don't treat them as adults either. I treat them as human beings who will one day become adults (God willing). I don't pretend to "own" them because they are my children and I am their mother. I don't break their confidences. I don't make fun of them with my friends as I have sometimes seen other moms do. I don't air their dirty laundry for all to see and hear as some moms do. I don't try to embarrass them.  Most importantly, my children know that I have their back. I am their safe zone. Do they tell me everything? Absolutely not. Do they have secrets that they keep from me? Of course. What child doesn't? That is part of growing up. But because they know that I will not be betray them, I will not belittle them, and I will hear them when they voice their opinions they trust me. They know that I value them as human beings and that speaks volumes to them.

Trust is a gift. My boys don't have to trust me, but they do because I have proven myself worthy of their trust. I do not take their trust lightly. I do not treat it as some cavalier thing. What we have is a sacred pact with the unspoken rule that this magical relationship will continue as long as I do not betray the bond that we have. (And the same goes with my trust in them.) Breaking this pact with my boys would hurt them terribly as they have only known life with a mother who does not betray them as some mothers sometimes do. Breaking this pact would wound them deeply. I don't ever want to hurt them in that way.

This doesn't mean that they like me all of the time. And this doesn't mean that they are not held accountable for their actions. I am their mother and sometimes I am not very popular with them. It is not my job to be my children's friend. It is my job to parent them. It just so happens that I like parenting them very much. It just so happens that I really, really like the young men they are slowing becoming.

I know how lucky I am to have the relationship that I do with my sons. And I know that they know how lucky they are to have  this relationship with me as they see the relationships that some of the kids they know have with their mothers. But our relationship with each other is more than just luck. It is a gift. A gift that takes time, understanding, patience, and trust.

The gift of their trust is one of the most important things in my life. I will never take that for granted.