I had someone comment on my last blog that perhaps life wasn't as gloomy as I made it out to be. That perhaps I have a bit more to be grateful for than I was seeing. I took those comments to heart because I know that they come from a person who challenges me and encourages me and I value what she has to say even if at first her comments didn't sit well in my belly.
I thought about her words over and over again because I knew that deep down she was right. I even asked Bob what his thoughts were because I was beginning to feel that maybe I don't portray the gratitude that I feel that I do for things in my life. Maybe my perspective on how grateful of a person I appear to be is skewed. Maybe I sound like a whiny privileged white chick who has nothing to be kvetching about in real life. I despise those kinds of people, but yet when I took a look at the words I have been writing on this space I feel that maybe that is the part of me I have been portraying. I believe 100% that we don't like in others what we see in ourselves. And I know that privileged white people can sometimes bother me when they talk about their "problems" and this is only because I despise when I, a privileged white person, try to pass off my issues as being real as compared to seriously real issues like poverty and discrimination.
In different words I asked Bob if I was becoming this type of person. And he was honest with me, and told me that lately I have been coming off as ungrateful. And although those words stung and shocked me a little bit there is a truth in them I cannot deny.
Bob gave a great analogy (maybe this is not the right word, but its all I have for now) that I will carry with me for a really long time and will come back to time and again when I get off course with my petty grievances. He told me to look at my life as though I was 50,000 feet above it. Imagine the scope and big picture I would be able to see from that height. All of the things that I am making a big deal of right now - wouldn't be a big deal if I took a wider lens with which to look at my life through. All of the stuff that seems so big and hard right now would seem like nothing in the long run, so why I am making things harder and more difficult than they need to be?
I thought this was great advice. I am thankful that 'A' posted her comment because it got me thinking and I am thankful for my husband's wisdom because it got me thinking even more.
So, I owe you all an apology for whining and bitching about the stuff I have been "struggling" with because if I had taken the 50,000 ft view this stuff wouldn't have ever made its way to this space. Which leads me to some changes that I am going to make in this space. For years I have treated this blog like a partial journal. I have shared with you all of my thoughts and feelings on so many of my issues. And for the most part, this has been okay. In all of this time I have also kept a legitimate journal as well, but I wrote the bulk of what I am thinking and feeling here. I am no longer going to treat this space like a journal. It isn't really necessary for me to share so much of my private life with the whole world; nor as my children get older, is it something that they would care for me to do either. Truth be told, Bob has never been a fan of my oversharing, but has allowed me (mostly) free reign because he knows how much I enjoyed sharing my thoughts with you. I know that he would much rather allow me to spend the money on the extra journals I will need as I fill them up with the words that would normally be written here than to have me expose so much of myself to both those I know and do not know who read these words.
That being said - I am not going to stop blogging. I have too many loved ones in too many different parts of the country that use this space to catch up with what we are doing and where we are at. I have decided to use this space to share our adventures and to update you on the kiddos, Bob, and myself in a non-invasive way. I think that this will be a good use of this blog and I think it will satisfy the needs to those who read these posts along with my family's need for privacy and my need to not overshare my thoughts. I have never been good at filtering myself. Nor have I ever been good at not sharing with you all exactly what I am feeling at any given moment. This has not always served me well.
I have known for some time that I wanted to change the way I used this space. I just didn't know how I wanted to do so. Now I know. And I am grateful for that.
Thank you for reading these words even when I sounded pompous and ridiculous. Thank you for knowing when to reign me in. Onward and upwards!
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