Still

I read a blog written by a mama of 6 or 7. She lives in the mountains of Utah.  Their family makes their own candles, eats with delicate linen napkins, makes a lot of their own clothing, etc...Homemade this and homemade that. Some bloggers write about their lives in an in your face kinda way. You almost walk away from their space and feeling badly about yourself and the choices that you have made. But not this woman. She shares her struggles and her triumphs and I never walk away from her sacred space feeling depleted.

I find her life streamlined and simple. Although I doubt that she would say that it is simple. And I don't mean simple in a condescending way because surely making all of that stuff: food, clothing, blankets, toys, you name it and she makes it for her home, is anything but simple. Yet she makes it seem so.

Maybe what seems simple to me about her life is that she doesn't seem pulled in a million different directions. She knows her Truth. She knows what's right for her family. She knows the way she feels called to live her life, and there is no doubting that.

I admire that about her.

Her family values are a bit different than mine. She homeschools in a way that I would never want to. I do not share her faith. Yet she seems so sure about all of those things for herself and her family. She is not afraid to live her life the way she sees fit and she won't apologize to anyone who doesn't agree with her.

And yet... she doesn't throw her life in your face. She doesn't proclaim that her way to live is the way everyone should live. She only proclaims that the way she lives her life is the way she should live.

I wonder what that would be like? To live a life with unwavering knowledge that the way you are living is the right way for you and your family. To never question that...

 I am always wavering in my thoughts and desires. To homeschool or not homeschool? To work or not work? To move around or to stay in one place? To embrace materialism or to reject it? To embrace sustainability or reject it? To live like a rich person or a poor person? To live big or small? To have four children or more? The questioning goes on and on and on and on. I feel like a ball in a pinball machine always wavering back and forth between two or more objects - never still.

I just feel like life would be so much more simple if I didn't always question every decision I have made or make or will make. To know that whatever choice I make is the right one and to not look back and wonder if the choices I didn't choose would have been better.

To be still.

I have no idea what it would take to be still. I feel like my whole life I am been in contact motion. If not in body, then certainly in mind. I am getting tired of this perpetual motion. I just want to be still and to know stillness in the deepest parts of me.

I want to not get so stressed out over the simplest of things. I want to have a vision and not waver from that vision. I just have no idea where to begin...