Resurfacing

Remember what's important to me. Not to anyone else, but me. This is not because I am a narcissist. It is because in order for me not to drown I need to remember. I need to remember that if I listen to the quiet voice within that I have all of the answers I will ever need. I believe that the quiet voice within is God's voice. And if I don't stray from that voice of wisdom I cannot go wrong even if it appears to others that I have. When I allow outside influences to infiltrate my being I can no longer hear the quiet voice of God because the outside noise is so loud. It is conflicting and meant to confuse me so that I will forget all that I am and all that I believe. It is during these times that I must remember the most.

The older I get the bigger the internal battles I tussle with. On the flip side the older I get the more wisdom I gain and the more peace I find in the lull of those battles. I want to live in the lull always. But I know this cannot be done. The battles I face within myself grow me. They stretch and bend me sometimes to the point I feel I will break, but like the willow tree I so love and admire, I do not break. The bending lasts so long because I fight it so much. If I just tried to look at the battle within - not as an enemy, but rather a teacher, I would not have to bend so hard or for so long. But I am stubborn. And so the battles rage within and they seem to leave me scarred and raw on the inside. Sometimes my insides feel charred. Burned beyond recognition. Anyone who knows anything about fires knows that in the wild even when it appears that all is lost and that the fire has destroyed all signs of life there is always life. Life is a stronger force than death.

And I must remember all of this while the battle is raging and the fire is burning brightly within me.  And I forget. Every time I forget until I am bent so far over that I just know I will break. At that point - just at the point of surrender - when I am worn out and battle weary - the quiet voice within whispers: remember.

And I do. And the surrendering comes easy.

I remember that I am strong and brave and kind and generous. I remember that I am also weak, cowardly, mean, and stingy. I remember that I love fiercely, but I also hate fiercely. I remember that I am so grateful for my life. And yet I am ungrateful for my life too. I am all of these things. Yin and yang. Light and Dark.

And that is okay.

The quiet voice asks me to remember to embrace all of the parts of me. The complex and the simple. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly.

And I am trying. And some days the remembering comes easier than others.

And that is okay too.