What If I Don't?

Yesterday's post was a big one. 

I watched as the numbers grew and grew.

And I was frightened. 

Because something struck a cord.

And I began to panic.

What if I can never strike a cord like that again?

And the quiet voice within whispered, 

"What if you don't? What is the worst thing that will happen if you don't?

Will you die? Will the earth stop spinning? 

Will nations self destruct?"

"Silly, God." I thought to myself. 

"No. I will not die. The earth will not stop spinning.

And nations will not self destruct."

But yet I am still afraid. 

Just not as much.

Because I want to please the masses. 

I want to continue to be able to strike a cord. 

Again and again. 

But...

What if I don't?

And the quiet voice of God 

who is ever so patient with my stubborn ways quietly

reminds me that living for the masses

means sacrificing myself. 

And haven't I just gone to battle within me

to tear down all of the preconceptions, notions, and ideas 

that I have forced upon myself 

to make me more pleasing to the masses? 

Have I not just come out of that battle weary and stripped down?

Have I not removed all of the excess garbage 

that made me less than who I truly am 

in order to make me more like the masses? 

"Why," God whispers to me, "would you be afraid?

The truest gift you can give to others is the gift 

of your authentic self. 

Because by being authentic you are giving others 

the ability to be authentic themselves." 

And so I absorb the weight of these words. 

I let them sink into every pore 

and every ounce of my being. 

And I know that sometimes,

a lot of the time,

I will fail.

A lot of the time I will send not my authentic self out into the world,

but rather my representative. 

She is the likable one. 

The one who conforms.

The one who plays the proper roles required of her. 

 I am afraid. 

Because what if I send me out into the world and she is rejected?

And in my weary stillness I hear the voice of God 

fill me with wisdom. 

"Be still. 

"Some will fall away. But they were never truly your people to 

begin with. But others? 

Others will flock to you because they will see the battle scars 

and struggles you have raged within. And they

will know they have found a home in you. And you will know 

you have found a home in them."

So what if I don't? 

If don't strike a cord?

If I don't remember to listen to the voice within?

What if I write uninspired, crappy posts?

What happens then? 

Nothing happens, really.

I will keep on writing. 

I will keep on forgetting. 

I will battle within.

And surrender.

And a lesson will be learned. 

And I will forget. 

Time and time again.

Only to re-remember.