Looking Back and Stepping Away

I have really come to love the week between Christmas and New Year's Day. The stress of the holiday season is over and on the horizon is a whole new year of opportunities and possibilities. I really enjoy taking the time to reflect on what has been and what is yet to come.

(Photo courtesy of: https://www.countryliving.com/life/g2819/christmas-quotes/)

This year has been a whirlwind. At this time last year I was planning on moving to Boise, Idaho. We had a tentative move date and were looking at real estate to purchase, but sometimes Life has other plans and the Boise job turned into the Indianapolis job.

It feels good to be here. Living in Indiana has felt like a long warm embrace. I feel like I can breathe here. I feel myself growing stronger every day and getting healthier in every way - mentally, emotionally, physically. Living here is exactly where I need to be at this time in my life. And while I certainly do not want to live here forever - the wild west has stolen my heart - this is the perfect place for me to be right now. I will always be grateful to Indiana for being a place of healing for me.

The kids are all doing well here too. Everyone is growing and finding space for themselves.

As I continue to grow healthier I have decided to take a look at the things that take up my time and determine whether or not each is serving me in a way that is good for me. One of the the biggest negative influences on my life is my electronic usage. I love looking at what you are doing and how you are living your lives. I love checking Instagram to see what pictures you have posted and I love looking at Facebook to see articles you are forwarding or commenting on, or what pictures you are posting of your own life, or what general comments you are making on your feed. But while I am doing all of this, and admiring all of the beauty of your life, it is taking away from my ability to live my own life to its fullest. I forget to see the beauty in my own life when I am constantly looking at yours. I cannot do this anymore. I decided to deactivate my Facebook page so that the lure of that platform is diminished. I haven't decided what I would like to do about Instagram - I have a couple of ideas, but feel for now the best one that will cause the least amount of work will be to just delete app from my phone. I have not decided what to do with this space yet either. A part of me would like to just walk away from it for an undetermined amount of time. A part of me would like to walk away from it forever. Another part of me would like to write it in like I do now, randomly and sporadically. The final part of me would like to actually invest some time and energy into this space to really make it something special.  I'll keep putting some thought into it until my gut gives me a clear answer as to which path I should choose.

(Photo courtesy of: https://www.countryliving.com/life/g2819/christmas-quotes/)

Looking forward in 2019:

 I hope to travel a bunch. We live so close to so many amazing cities. I am not sure we will ever live some place again with access to as many cities within a 5 hour drive as we do now. We definitely needed these last 6 months just to exhale and settle down here. The two years prior to our moving were a bumpy ride. I know our family desperately needed some down time to unwind and unpack all of the baggage we brought with us here from that experience.

 I would like to continue to find ourselves back to one another as a family. We fell apart in Oregon and I have been working on getting us back together the past few months as I have been able to work on my own healing. Having a strong family base is vital to the success of our family. When we are running at our optimal levels we dedicate time to weekly family meetings, have intentional family outings, and spend time together unencumbered by the distractions of electronics.

I would like to have us all watching less TV/playing video games. Electronics can suck the life out of us because of their addictive nature. I would like to see all 6 of us pull away and have some sense of electronic boundaries.

I would like to have more sit down family meals. We hardly ever eat at our table as a family of 6. I think that this is one of the things that I am most disappointed in myself as a mother. If I could go back and do this whole parenting thing all over again I would have dedicated more time to creating a family tradition of having sit down family dinners every night. The fact of the matter is that cooking scares the hell out of me because I am so bad at it.

I would like to continue to focus on getting myself as healthy as I can in all ways possible. I am turning 40 in 2019 and I am so excited about this. I feel that 40 will be a huge turning point in my life. I have spent (just about) all of my adult life taking care of others through mothering. I feel like this next portion of my life will be all about living my best life possible. It will all about me, and I don't feel one bit selfish for making those choices. I have already begun doing so by regularly taking the time to exercise my body. It feels amazing to do so and I don't plan on stopping.

I would also like to challenge myself to read at least 50 books next year. I am pretty sure that I read at least that many this year and feel that with using electronics less next year I can easily accomplish that goal.

Finally, I hope that in 2019 that I am able to set aside all of the things that don't bring me happiness or draw out my passion. I have lived life where I have felt fully alive and I have lived a life where I felt completely dead inside. I have found that the way I live my life is a choice. It always has been - even when I have felt that it wasn't. Feeling fully alive is exhilarating and empowering. Life is an adventure that I only get one shot at. I want to learn from my mistakes and use those lessons to move me forward in a way that will allow me the ability to live authentically in a way that is uniquely me.

(Photo courtesy of: https://www.countryliving.com/life/g2819/christmas-quotes/)

I wish you a very Happy New Year. I hope that 2019 is full of wonderful things for you. 

14

On December 1 Sarah turned 14. I am always an emotional mess on all of my children's birthdays, but especially so Sarah's. Her birthday is a reminder of all that we have to be thankful for as a family. It is a day when I can pause and thank God that she is an abled body person. It is a day when I thank God that she is only blind, that she only has numbness in her left calf, that her body gets wiped out quickly from exhaustion. There was a time when any of those three things would have been devastating to me, but now I know better. I know that there are so many who are truly so much worse off. All of the physical struggles that Sarah has are navigable. They are almost easy compared to where she could be. Yes, I think you can say that on December 1 of every year you will find me in an almost constant state of prayer with God thanking him for all of the blessings that Sarah brings.

To celebrate her special day my mom and dad drove out to spend a couple of days with us. On her birthday we did the usual - decorating the table, making her a birthday shirt, etc...We also had our second annual Blind Olympics in which the other three kids wear blindfolds and have to perform a series of activities without sight. It is a good time.

I decided to do a couple of things differently this year for Sarah on her special day. I knew she was excited about her birthday, but was trying to not be as she walks the fine line between childhood and adulthood. Because I want all of my children to embrace childhood for as long as humanly possible I really racked my brain trying to think of different things that I could do to make her feel excited all day about her birthday.

To start off with I bought her 14 gifts. Mostly it was small things - a piece of her favorite candy, a book series she was asking for in which each book represented one item, slippers, etc...nothing huge and extraordinary because I had to try and stick to a budget. We gave her her first gift at 9:22 am which was when she was born and had her open each gift on the :22 of each following hour. She received her last gift at 10:22 pm. She really enjoyed this a lot.

Next, I had the 5 of us + my mom and dad answer the following questions:

1.) What is your favorite memory of Sarah?
2.) What is your favorite quality about Sarah?
3.) What do you wish for Sarah for her future?

Each of us read our answers out loud. Over Christmas break I will be re-writing all of the answers in braille, so that when Sarah needs a pick me up she will have all of these reminders that she is loved immensely.

Finally, the 8 of us went up to a pottery shop where we painted a jar of Sarah's choosing together.Sarah painted the jar itself and then the rest of us decorated the jar with something that signifies either ourselves or something about Sarah. (For example, I painted a zia symbol and Bob painted mountains.) Sarah is going to put all of the answers to the activity above in the jar we all made together.

As for the rest of the day, we played games, went to Chipotle for dinner, and chilled out at the house. Sarah was pretty tired by the end of the day, but said that she had a good day. Her favorite parts were the gift an hour idea and everyone answering the questions about her.

November's Reading List

I ended up reading a lot in November. Part of this was because most of my children were pretty sick the last week of the month which meant no school work and a lot of time on my hands. While they were down and out with the flu I read. I can tell that December is not going to be able to keep pace with November, and that is okay. I realize that some months are more conducive than others to reading.

Here are the books I read in November:

I really enjoyed this book. So much so that I will most likely purchase a used copy on abebooks.com.

L-O-V-E-D this book. Will definitely be buying myself a copy to re-read in the future. 

I initially picked up this book because it was about traveling in America and learning about different small towns and how they maintain or become viable vibrant places to live. While I enjoyed this book and learned several new things I don't think I would read this one again. It's one of those books where I was glad I read it and don't regret spending the time doing so, but wasn't captivated by the story to re-read it. 

Bob Goff books are what I would consider easy reads. Maybe, years from now, I would read this book again because it was simple for my brain to digest, but his books are not ones that I gush over. Still, there must be something to them because this is the second book of his I read and I felt the same way about his first book, so he must be doing something to draw me in for me to read his second book. 

I hated this book so much that I almost didn't finish it - which is extremely rare for me.  I was so excited about this book. I tend to really like books that are based on different cultures (Muslim countries, Hasidic communities, Native American's etc...) that I just assumed that I would love this book too. Plus it is a best seller, so I thought that this one was in the bag. Nope. I hated the writing style of the book. I hated the way the story was laid out. I couldn't stand this book, not because of the story line, but because of the way it was put together. I know this author has another book that I am tempted to try just to see if she chooses to tell her story differently. If she does -great - if she doesn't I am not sure I can get through another book with this type of story telling/layout. 

I finished this book in one day when the kids were sick. I love Mafia related movies, TV shows, and books. The Mafia fascinates me. This was a cool book. Glad to have read it. Probably won't read it again, but it was still a good book. 

This book series is what I would consider my guilty pleasure. I have read all four of these books multiple times since they have come out. There is just something about them that draws me in. Plus, they are easy reads so if I am just looking for a quick mindless book to read this is a good go-to of mine. 

Thanksgiving

Looking forward to this first holiday with family after a four year absence. I intend to absorb it all...the chaos and commotion, the squabbles and the laughter, the memories made together. As I have said before, I don't know how long we will be this close to family before we ship out again to another destination in this great country of ours. We could be here for another year or two, or we could be celebrating next Thanksgiving in another state. You just never know what the future holds. This is why I am planning on enjoying the heck out of this one.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Glimpses of Grace

I am a recovering perfectionist.

Funny as that sounds, anyone who struggles with perfectionism knows how much of a negative thing perfectionism can be. To those who do not struggle with this character flaw may think that having perfectionist tendencies would be a good thing. In my life anyway, I have seen it too many times and too often be a huge detriment to me. I very much have an all or nothing mentality and while many people might think that this kind of gusto is how life should be lived I am learning that it is not how my life should be lived.

I am the type of person that won't try/do/make something unless I am sure I can do it perfectly. If I even think I have a small chance of not being able to do something perfectly then I won't even attempt to try/do/make said thing because the risk of failure is too much for me to mentally handle.

For years my house was either so clean that you could eat off of the floor or looked like a bomb went off in it and I wouldn't have recommended eating at the table. My kids birthday parties were either amazing with cool homemade themed cakes or just so-so with a cake thrown together last minute or store bought. I was eating either super healthy and never, ever cheating or I was eating the most unhealthy diet my body could handle. I was either the best creative homeschool teacher or I was completely boring and not thinking outside the box at all. My friendships tend to me kept at arms length because I am afraid of letting down those I know and of exposing 'who I really am'  - the unperfect parts of me. The parts of me that will let these people down, make them made, or be dissappointed with me. Because I cannot be the perfect friend I would rather keep everyone at bay than "fail" at friendship. On and on these examples could go.

There was no middle ground with me.  Mentally and spiritually this lifestyle was killing me. I have known for a while that my perfectionism was really unhealthy for me. I just didn't know what to do about it or how to fix it. So I began to do the only thing I know how to do: started reading about the topic. Sometimes these books would overwhelm me because the pages were a reflection of exactly how I lived my life - and their truths made me feel raw on the inside. Their words exposed me and gave me no place to hide. They forced me to face my demons.

Perfectionism, for me, is about control and fear of failure. It is about what others think of me. And in the grand scheme of life control is an illusion, failure is necessary to grow,  and it really, really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. The only person's opinion of myself that should matter is my own.

Since moving to Indiana I have been doing some hard work on and within myself. I have been reading, praying, writing, exploring a variety of topics that will help me to heal myself. Like those women I feel closest too spiritually, I am a Seeker. You will often find me working on myself. This is not the first time I have gone down the path of self improvement, but this is the first time I have tried to tackle my perfectionism. As a Seeker I will always be working on myself. Finding out more about me, discovering (or rediscovering) the secret places of myself that I have kept hidden for one reason or another. Seeking isn't something that you do and then are done. It is a life long journey. It is something that if you don't understand you may roll your eyes about, but other Seekers completely understand the journey I am talking about.

 If I am being honest, I really should thank my Portland experience on this journey I am on because it was there the seed was planted that I had some changing to do. Some self work. Some peeling back of layers that I didn't want to own anymore - mainly because they were never mine to begin with. I wrote about a fire raging inside of me in one blog post - that was the most powerful and real post I have ever written. I was so scared to hit the publish button on that post because it was an open and honest post about how I was feeling. I was exposing myself in a way that I never have before. I made myself vulnerable to everyone's comments and criticisms (which never came - all feedback was immensely positive). But I did that because for that one moment I didn't care about anyone else's opinion of the piece. I just needed to write it and post it. I knew then that I was at a critical point in my life where I knew I needed to do some hard work and that the journey within would be difficult because I would have to face a lot of my worst feared demons. 

Since moving here I have been introduced to something called grace. Grace is the voice that overrules the inner critic right now. She is the voice that tells me that it is okay to not be perfect. She is the voice that allows me to forgive myself for slipping back into the perfectionist tendencies that I have (which I believe I will always have to be aware of). She is a forgiver and a lover. She is the voice that tells me that the inner critic is a liar. That those things about myself that I believe - that list of negative, horrible things I believe about myself - the things that drive me to be a perfectionist - are not true. She quietly whispers to me that it is okay to not be perfect. To make mistakes. It is okay to not have things go according to plan and that I can always try again tomorrow, but that what matters today is that I make the most of what I have before me.

Grace is my angel. I believe that she has always been with me I just wasn't ready to hear her voice. She waited patiently for me to be open to receiving her loving words. I don't know what took me so long to be open to her wisdom. I cannot dwell on that too long because that would mean that I would have to examine the past and critique all of the times when I could have opened myself to receiving her which would cause regret. I cannot go back in time. I can only move forward something that I struggle with and something I have been working on for the past few years when my eyes were opened up by the unexpected and untimely deaths of those I know.

I know that my family has seen changes in me. I laugh more. I am more relaxed. I don't stress about things as much (but still get stressed), and I am taking better care of my body and mind. I think what is really happening is that grace is allowing me to strip off all of the parts of me (slowly) that were never really mine to begin with - they were just roles that I thought I was supposed to carry. All of that extra baggage through the years really weighed me down and made me miserable. It turned me into a person I could no longer recognize. And I didn't like what I saw, but I felt powerless to change.

With graces help, I am beginning to learn that I will always have the power to slough off what isn't mine. I have a feeling that I will always have the tendency to want to slip on roles and characteristics that aren't authentic to me, but are things I feel others want me to carry because that would make me more likable - more perfect.  As long as I am aware of my doing this I know that I can remove the pieces that don't make me Me.  The critic would like me to believe that I am alone in these struggles. That no one else has them. Grace makes me feel otherwise. I am not alone. I never have been.

It is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to not be liked by others. It is okay to make mistakes.

I will always have to be aware of perfection and my desire to seek is shallow and fake feelings of worthiness and praise. As time goes on I feel that I am arming myself with the tools to see its ugliness more quickly,  to see it for what it is, and to gently let it go.

Organizational Tools I Use To Stay On Top Of Things

I love peeking into other people's organizational systems. Maybe I am weird, but that kind of stuff makes me giddy with excitement. Seeing how "put together" people (and I know that even put together people aren't perfect, fall of the wagon, etc...) organize their lives brings me inspiration. I love seeing how someone stays on top of her daily tasks and the system she uses to do in hopes that I can pull something from what she shares and implement it in my own way.

Just typing about this topic puts a smile on my face.

The reality is that I have lived my life both extremely unorganized and extremely organized with varying degrees of organization in-between. When I am unorganized my house tends to be messy, we eat out a lot, I feel like I am running in a hamster wheel. On the other hand, when I am organized we out less, my house is clean, and I find that I have more time to get stuff done and still have time to relax as well.

With everyone running in what seems a million different directions in my house (As a homeschooling mom of 4 I was very late to the game in this chaos, but have now joined the rest of America in this harried pace of life with Josh in public school/soccer, Andy working/homeschooling, Sarah homeschooling/receiving services from the local public school for her service plan/volunteering at the horse ranch, and Elizabeth homeschooling/soccer/volunteering at the horse ranch too.) I knew that if I did not become super organized that I would definitely drown in the busyness and would bring everyone else down with me. I didn't want that kind of responsibility, so I took an inventory of what I would need to accomplish super organized status and began (re)implementing systems I have used in the past that really work for our family. I thought I would share these with you in case there are any organizational crazies out there like myself.

On a side note - I truly feel 100% better after having put these systems back in place (I have used all of them in the past), but it does take planning time which at first seems like it takes forever, but after several weeks things speed up a bit and it doesn't seem to take so long. So for a little while, I was doing (what seemed like) double the work because I will still wasting time living my semi-organized life while taking the added time to get these systems in place. That small time period where I felt like I was doing double the work really has paid off. So, if you are thinking of implementing your own organizational systems I would totally recommend it, but please be aware that it may seem like you are doing more work rather than less while you are getting everything into place. Once all systems are a go life really does look so much differently.


I will go into more detail of each system a different post of two, for now I just want to give you an overview.

In the above photo I have: my daily game plan (bottom left book), my family management book (upper left notebook), school planner (upper right hand book), my daily school plan (bottom right clipboard), and the kids' chores for that day (bottom middle), along with my colored pencils/pens. 

I have already written a blog about how I plan my day, so no further explanation should be necessary. 

This is my Family Management Book. I created one in Las Cruces after reading a book about a woman who created on for her family. I love that I brought this back into my life after not really using it in Portland. This baby is a lifesaver and will definitely need its down post.  I keep track of our family meeting notes, menus, grocer lists, daily chores that need to be done, and a few other things. This is the main way I run my household efficiently. 

This is my Erin Condren school planner. I love this planner. (I also bought a day planner for myself by her, and I use it, but not as much as I use the school planner. I don't think I will purchase another day planner, but I definitely will purchase her school planner next year.) Anyway, this is where I keep track of what gets done this week school wise. As you can see everything is color coded because I like things in different colors rather than all one color. 

This is my daily school plan. I use this every day that we do school work and cross things off as they get completed. This allows me to keep track of who should be doing what. If I didn't use this there would be at least one subject (but probably more) that I would forget to follow up with the kids on and check their work.  

And finally, this is the kids' chore list. I just implemented this because we all like a sparkly clean house, but I don't have the time to do all that I do and also get the house scrubbed down on a regular basis. (It is picked up on a regular basis, but I am talking about being scrubbed down.) This is where my kiddos come in. They each pick around 1-3 items per day depending on what I need to get done (and I get that information from my Family Management book). They are old enough that I do not need to assign them chores. They can pick for themselves and I just go around at the end of the day with this list to make sure that everything got done. If something isn't done I will just ask them who was supposed to do said chore and then make that child redo the chore if it was done in a half-assed way or complete it if it hasn't been done at all.

So, this is how I keep everything running smoothly in the Gregg household. If you are looking for an organizational system in your life, or just love reading about them like I do I hope you have found this post somewhat helpful.

How I Plan My Day

I am the type of person that the more time I have the less I seem to get done. I wander aimlessly through my day forgetting to do this or that, and inevitably those forgotten items get backed up. Like just about all of you, I cannot have my life get backed up. There just isn't enough time in my day to get caught back up once I get behind on something without stopping everything to do so.


In order to combat getting behind I have been using a customized daily schedule. Originally, the idea came from trying out the Bullet Journal system, but after many attempts I realized that that just wasn't for me. I would always compare my journal to the really artistic ones on Pinterest and get majorly discouraged.

So, I decided to use some of the ideas of the bullet journal system that I found most useful and create my own daily schedule. I really like using this system because it allows me to sit down for about 30 minutes each night and intentionally plan my day. It also gives me some direction when I am feeling aimless.  I use my system in tandem with my Erin Condren planners (which I love!).

Here is a look at how I build out my day:

I use Staedtler pens and colored pencils. The pens/markers don't bleed through my next page and I love the fine points of them. The colored pencils are nice also. They are easy to sharpen and the tips don't break off very easily. 

This is what a finished day looks like. 

Building out a new day. 

I don't always create my right hand pages in the same way, but I usually have the same headings. 

I use the next day notes section to jot down anything that I come across during the day that I will need to include in my next day's planning.  Otherwise everything else is pretty self explanatory. 

Another completed day. 

Sometimes I will add a sticky note if I am not by my planner when an idea comes up. 

*I tried to turn all of the pictures, but I was having trouble getting them to copy into blogger after turning them in Paint. I am out of time to try and figure out why this is so. Even though the pictures are not exactly as I would want them to be for you I think you still get the idea I am trying to convey.

A Walk In Solaris Park With My Favorite People

I am trying to carve out more and more intentional time spent as a family. As the kids are growing they are each seeking their own lives outside of our family which is how it should be, but it makes me want to savor these last couple of years as a whole family unit that much more. I want to reinforce the foundation that Bob and I have dedicated the past 19 years of our lives creating for these four human souls on loan to us.

 I cherish these moments greatly and am trying very hard to not take this time for granted. After all, it really does seem like just yesterday that the kids were 8, 6, 4, and 2.  In less than a month, Sarah will turn 14. The ghosts of those little kids that I thought would never get old have sometimes come back to haunt me as I stare into the faces of my 18, 16, (almost) 14, and 12 year old children. It is hard to take heed to the words spoken by those in my current place when you are in the thick of parenting littles. And while I feel that I did my best at appreciating the kids at all of the ages they were I still wish I could go back in time and do it all over again.

I would breathe in those moments long gone and savor them so much more. I would take more intentional time with my kids just to be with them and be together. But, as Mother Time so acutely reminds me, I cannot go back. I can only enjoy the present moment and its ever beating march forward. And so I am.

The leaves here are beautiful. I knew that  the Midwest was my favorite part of the country to celebrate  my favorite season, but I am blown away by its beauty. Less than 10 minutes from our home is park called Solaris Park. I fell in love with it the moment I saw its name because of its reference to the sun (Solaris means 'of the sun'.) I feel such a peace when I walking through the trails of the park. It reminds me a bit of walking the amazing trails of the MetroParks in Ohio. It reminds me of my life with littles. It reminds of where I have been and makes me appreciate being here before I am off again living in another city in another state. I love, love, love this park.

Bob and I decided to take the kiddos for a hike before the Browns game yesterday. We had so much fun. The leaves did not disappoint. I am so thankful that we are living in Indiana right now. I am thankful for the fall season and my family. I feel content and happy.

The trees here are a bit weird in the fact that there are places like this where it seems as if almost all of the trees have lost their leaves, but then there will be places where it seems like the majority of trees haven't lost their leaves. 

I was "pulling a Nana" as my kids say and making them take a ton of pictures. (A side note: my mom, from the moment Andy was born, became an avid photographer of our extended family's life. Every event - large and small - there are pictures of which my mom has dates and puts into photo albums. While we all kvetch when my mom takes out her camera every time we visit those photo albums are pulled out so that we can look through all of those memories. Bob especially loves looking at all of the memories of the past. So, while we kvetch we are really secretly happy she takes out that camera.)

I thought this mushroom family looked cool. 

I am surprised at how green this part of our walk still was. 

For Midwest standards this tree stood out from the rest. There was something regal about it that I loved. 

Love the bright orange leaves of that little tree in the middle. 

Yes! Elizabeth found a Woolly Bear Caterpillar. I love these guys. 

This tree looks like it has a face on it. Can you see the nose and pouting lip facing away from the camera? I stopped in my tracks when I saw it because it reminded me of 'The Kissing Tree'  - two trees that grew together and looked like they were kissing that was located in my favorite childhood spot: 272 Washburn Rd. 

The three kids were playing a game together at this point of our walk...

...while Bob was listening to Andy kvetch about how cruddy Midwest nature is and how much he wishes he could be in the West climbing mountains.  Andy really misses being out West.

Leaves!!! 

This trail was to peaceful. So peaceful. 

She was looking for a big leaf and she found one. 

Pine needles - a reminder of life PNW. 

My crew.