The Glue That Binds

Lately, I have been thinking about walking away from this life we have created. Sometimes - a lot of the times - I just want to start anew. There are pains here that are just becoming too great to carry any longer.  I want out.

But then he pulls me back. And tells me that it is just a rut. That the easy thing to do is to leave. The harder thing is to stay. We can push through this - for how ever long it takes. Because those are the vows we made. For better and for worse. And he isn't going to quit.

But the worse season has been long. And I hold on, and hold on, and hold on. And the string I am holding on to gets thinner and thinner. And the pain of staying almost becomes greater than the fear of leaving.

This is not the first time we have been in this place. But it is the hardest and the longest. And I have to try and remember what others see so easily - that he is a good man and he tries hard. Most importantly, he loves me.

But is love enough? Who are we to try and beat the odds? Two 18 year kids who fell in love all those years ago? What did we know about good times and bad? Maybe the odds are right - maybe we have no statistical business to be together? We are so opposite in so many ways.

But then I  remember the butterflies he used to give me. And the dreams we had way back then when we were young parents with nothing but dreams of our future. I will remember the way that he used to look at me - how he sometimes looks at me that way still.

There are many things that he is - good things. And sometimes when two people are in a rut - a long, hard, deep, rut - it is difficult to see those good things. Especially when so much of the life that you have together at this moment is filled with uncertainty and doubt.

But he is right. The easy thing is to leave. The hard thing is to stay. And so I will stay. Because I can do hard things. Even when they are painfully hard.

Yes, he is many good things. And as time ebbs and flows those good qualities become more or less important based on what is needed at the time.  If I am being honest, if it weren't for him I would have walked away from this life we created. Times have been just that tough.

But he? He is the glue that binds. And right now that is making all of the difference in our world. Someday I will look back and I will thank him for sticking it out and keeping us together. For now? I am just holding on with every thing I've got, and working to climb out of this rut we are in. For better or for worse.

And So I Will

Afraid of being seen as ungrateful I hide from the world. 

My thoughts and feelings remain locked away.

Until they come seeping out of me. 

Until they explode out of me. 

I just want to  feel how I feel

Instead of hiding from the world. 

To honor the Light and the Dark

Is the only way to live. 

But the Dark scares me. 

Maybe it scares me because 

Instead of getting to know it

Instead of understanding it

I run from it.

I bury it. 

So far from myself I feel.

Lost and alone. 

I fall and rise again.

And again. 

I will not stop rising. 

No matter how hard I fall. 

Or how deep I go.

The warrior in me

Begs me to not be so afraid of the Dark

She begs me to see my Dark - 

Not as something evil

But rather a place that has the absence of Light.

The Dark is begging to be seen 

And understood. 

It is only when I embrace the Dark

That I can bring in the Light. 

And so I will. 

The Beauty of a Gift

A wish fulfilled. A dream realized. Hope sustained. Endless possibilities opened up. Those are the the things that arrived along with your notes of love and monetary donations. Did you realize you were sending all of that in your envelope too? 

What started out as a wistful wish to help an organization that has helped her so very much then turned into a dream. A dream with limitless outcomes and possibilities. But how? How could a 13 year old girl be the change that she wished to see in the world, as Ghandi believed we should be? A young person too little yet to work outside the home to bring in her own money, but yet seeing that money was the biggest way to help, she thought and thought and prayed and wished for a solution. Knowing that she is loved very much and knowing that there are many who would love to help her in any way that they can, I suggested she write a post on this space and see if her words would move and inspire others to want to make her cause their cause. And so she did. 

And one by one and two by two donations arrived in the mail. And every time her face lit up. And every time I choked up while reading the words other sent to her offering their support. When a donation would arrive the other kids would ask who it was from. And with the names would come stories about the people who cared enough to make Sarah's cause their cause. Old soccer families, friends and acquaintances from high school, best friends from college, loved ones who have known Bob since he was very, very little, and of course, our family. A lot of the donors my kids did not know and the good memories and stories I was able to recall from the days when those people were an every day part of my life was a very sweet tender walk down memory lane. 

Sarah and I made a copy of all of your notes and included them in the donations. Hannah is a published author and I knew that she would love to read the words written  from you to Sarah. For her to see the love behind the donations would mean just as much as the money itself.

We arrived at the ranch a bit early today. Sarah presented your gifts as a single large donation. Hannah was blown away by your generosity.

Thank you so very much. From the depth of my being. Thank you. You all did so much more than just donate money to a wonderful cause. You gave a young lady Hope.

Here are some pictures of where your money went to:

This is the sign from the main road. 

This is Skyview's driveway. We just pulled into the ranch from the road. 

More of the driveway. On the left and right are the beginnings of two of three pastures for the horses. Skyview is situated on 80 acres and almost all of that is exclusively for the horses. 

Part of the horse pasture on the left. 

This is Hoseanna. This is the horse that Sarah rides every time she comes to Skyview. The barn behind Hoseanna was built (I believe) last spring with the help of donations. It houses the hay for the winters and also allows Hannah to provide lessons despite any rain. 

The tack room. 

Sarah rode bareback today. 

A small playground for siblings to play on while the rider is taking lessons. 

Getting on Hoseanna. 

I always bring carrots to feed the other horses while Sarah is riding. I love spending time with these animals. This space is just as therapeutic for me as it is for Sarah. This is Faith. 

I love how her ears were facing different directions. I think she was listening to a bird at this time. 

Normally, Sarah has riding boots, but we were only planning on dropping off the donations today and not riding so Sarah did not have them on. Hannah asked Sarah if she would like to ride on the spur of the moment of which Sarah, of course, said yes. 

This fresh boy is my most favorite horse of the whole herd. His name is Eli. He is a bratty spoiled rotten boy, but I just love him to pieces. I bring a whole bag of carrots most weeks just to feed him. There is a hay trough in this part of the barn that the horses can have access to unlimited hay. He refused to come out of this space today and into the pasture to get his carrots. 

I think Eli expected me to come into the arena and give him his carrots instead of him coming out to the pasture to get them. Needless to say, he did not get very many carrots this afternoon because I refused to go into the barn and he refused to come out. 

Sarah and Hannah were using mouth wash to treat Hoseanna. I am not sure what was wrong with her, but whatever it was mouthwash is supposedly the cure. 

Donations given.

What I Read in February

I felt like February was another slow month of reading. March seems to be heading the same way too. Maybe it is because life seems to be picking up a bit with the weather getting nicer and the kids activities like soccer are resuming. Not sure what it is, but I have been reading much less than I was. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day.

Here is what I read in February:

I finished reading this...



And read these...







I am currently reading...(and absolutely loving both)...






The kids and I finished...



And are currently reading...



Sarah and I just started reading...