The Glue That Binds

Lately, I have been thinking about walking away from this life we have created. Sometimes - a lot of the times - I just want to start anew. There are pains here that are just becoming too great to carry any longer.  I want out.

But then he pulls me back. And tells me that it is just a rut. That the easy thing to do is to leave. The harder thing is to stay. We can push through this - for how ever long it takes. Because those are the vows we made. For better and for worse. And he isn't going to quit.

But the worse season has been long. And I hold on, and hold on, and hold on. And the string I am holding on to gets thinner and thinner. And the pain of staying almost becomes greater than the fear of leaving.

This is not the first time we have been in this place. But it is the hardest and the longest. And I have to try and remember what others see so easily - that he is a good man and he tries hard. Most importantly, he loves me.

But is love enough? Who are we to try and beat the odds? Two 18 year kids who fell in love all those years ago? What did we know about good times and bad? Maybe the odds are right - maybe we have no statistical business to be together? We are so opposite in so many ways.

But then I  remember the butterflies he used to give me. And the dreams we had way back then when we were young parents with nothing but dreams of our future. I will remember the way that he used to look at me - how he sometimes looks at me that way still.

There are many things that he is - good things. And sometimes when two people are in a rut - a long, hard, deep, rut - it is difficult to see those good things. Especially when so much of the life that you have together at this moment is filled with uncertainty and doubt.

But he is right. The easy thing is to leave. The hard thing is to stay. And so I will stay. Because I can do hard things. Even when they are painfully hard.

Yes, he is many good things. And as time ebbs and flows those good qualities become more or less important based on what is needed at the time.  If I am being honest, if it weren't for him I would have walked away from this life we created. Times have been just that tough.

But he? He is the glue that binds. And right now that is making all of the difference in our world. Someday I will look back and I will thank him for sticking it out and keeping us together. For now? I am just holding on with every thing I've got, and working to climb out of this rut we are in. For better or for worse.