April's Reading List

I didn't read a lot in March. In fact, I am not sure that I finished even one book, but I sure made up for that in April.

Sarah and I read:

Sarah and I are currently reading: 

Great book so far!

Here are the books I read in the month of April:

A close friend recommended this book, and although I think we have different book preferences this is definitely one that we share. It was unlike most of the books I read, but was a good one. I would venture to say that this is a book I would read again. 

Loved this book. This is the second book I have read by Jeannette Walls. Her stories captivate me. No doubt I will read this one again. 

This book was recommended to me by a friend from high school. I definitely finished it with many a page highlighted. And although I am not sure I will read it again in its entirety I will certainly re-read the highlighted sections. 

This book is beloved by a cherished Las Cruces homeschooling mama I met. It was upon her recommendation that I read this book, and while I did get something out of it it definitely wasn't on my favorites list. 

This is another re-read. Cannot go wrong with Michael Pollan. Ever. 

This is the second time I have read through this book, and it did not disappoint. I love this book, and will most likely read it again in the future.


My current read:

Holy Cow! Loving this book. It caught my eye when I was in Powell's Book Store this weekend. Will re-read it for sure when I am done. It is so, so good. 

Love/Like/Loathe

I would be remiss to only spew out how much I disliked living here. There was good here. Otherwise, I would not have made it this long. I would broken months and months ago. So, I thought I would write a list of things I loved, liked, and loathed about living in Portland.

Things I Loved About Living in Portland (in no particular order)

1.) The Columbia River Gorge
2.) Mount Hood
3.) The Pacific Ocean
4.) Hood River
5.) Tillamook National Forest
6.) Olympic National Park
7.) Sequoia National Park
8.) The Columbia River
9.) The Willamette River
10.) Skyview Horse Ranch
11.) Three Pools
12.) Access to abundant U Pick farms
13.) Powell's Books
14.) McMenamins
15.) Great public transportation
16.) IKEA!!!!
17.) No mosquitos
18.) No humidity
19.) Mild winters

Things I Liked About Living in Portland

1.) Access to multiple sports teams (both professionally and for my kids)
2.) Farmers markets
3.) Gardens/Parks (inside and outside of the city)
4.) Abundant walking trails
5.) Abundant good restaurants/bars/eateries
6.) Tons of concerts
7.) (Seemingly) Every store you can imagine within driving distance
8.) Roads were always kept in great repair - no potholes, etc...

Things I Loathed About Living in Portland

1.) Cost of living
2.) Traffic
3.) The people -  snobby, uninviting, unfriendly, selfish, unthoughtful, unconnected,  etc...(not everyone fit this bill, but you would be shocked at how many people did.)
4.) Fall/Winter/Spring Cloudy Weather
5.) Mercedes, BMW's, Jaguars, Range Rovers - basically any luxury car I would be happy to not see for the rest of my life. They seem to be the vehicles of choice around here, and I have come to associate those cars with certain types of people. (I know, I know, not every person who drives a fancy car is a pompous jerk, but I won't be able to feel this way again until I have removed myself from this place.)


When I first started writing this post I thought my list of  'loves' would be the shortest and my list of 'loathes' would be the longest. As I look over this list I guess what I have just learned is that the most important things to me aren't nature - like I thought - but rather quality of life. Are people kind, inviting, regular average people? Can a family afford to have a parent stay home on a single budget? Is the weather good? Maybe, just maybe, I can find beauty anywhere, but what I really need is a tribe of my own - something I was sorely lacking here. It is beautiful here. Truly it is. But after looking at this list, and knowing how miserable I was here, clearly beauty isn't enough for me. I need people. Much more than I ever thought.

Picking Up The Broken Pieces

I cannot tell you enough how this move is so welcome in our family. I cannot tell you how I know that life in Indiana is going to be good for us - I just know. And I cannot tell you specifically why life here was so bad and hard for these last two years. It just was.

Now that we are coming through the other side of such a dark period of our lives I feel I can finally talk about how bad it really was. I can tell you that our family fell apart and we broke into countless little pieces. That instead of standing strong we cracked one at a time, and broke away to deal with our own misery by ourselves. That the kids and I were all drowning in our own pools of brokenness that did not allow us to reach out and help the other.

These last two years were harder on us than the first couple of years of Sarah's disease because at least then we fell apart together. But here? We fell apart alone.

 Until that ray of light opened up the gray skies and shined down upon us I couldn't see just how bad things were. Until the Indiana opportunity was more than just an opportunity, but rather a reality I was more in the dark on the kids situations than I ever realized.

The guilt I feel for not seeing what they needed me to see is horrendous. It is an awful feeling to know that I am co-captain of this family and captain of our home life, and I could not see my shipmates were drowning too.

Don't get me wrong. I had glimpses here and there, and I did the best I could with the resources and the parenting capacity that I had at the time situations arose. But the things that I thought I was fixing I was just putting a band aid on. The wounds were still there.

And now I see. I see all the damage of two years worth of falling apart. I see two years of loneliness and two years of pain. I see two years of hardship that has worn us all down as only twenty year of time can.

But God didn't make me the co-captain of this family for nothing. And he didn't provide me with strong female role models for nothing. And he didn't make me stubborn and strong-willed for nothing. And didn't make me unique and unusual and an outside-of-the-box thinker for nothing. He didn't make me a fighter for nothing.

Now I will use all of those skills to pick up the pieces of my broken family. And I will piece us back together one bit at a time. It will take time for sure. But it can be done.

I feel my strength returning to me. I feel ready to fight.

I am so deeply thankful that God moved us out of here just in time. I am thankful that the right opportunity presented itself and the right people helped us out.

I know we will make it through this.

Life going forward might look a bit different. Living here has left its mark on all of us. But I know that my favorite things in life aren't the perfect looking ones. They are the things that are a bit banged up and imperfect - which makes them all the more beautiful and right.

So, here's to moving forward. Here's to new beginnings and a new life. I am so excited to share our journey with you again. I am so excited to feel joy and happiness again. I am excited for my children to bloom again.

Picking up the broken pieces and putting us back together will not be easy. But I cannot think of a more important job.

Coincidence or God's Doing?

Having animals I knew that once we arrived in Portland I would need to find a vet for annual checkups and shots. There just happened to be a vet's office located within walking distance to our townhouse, so I thought I would give them a try first. I figured if the vet wasn't a good fit for our family I would just move on until I found someone who fit our needs.  I scheduled an appointment for Sammy and Lily for their annual check up, and off they went. Now it turns out that this particular veterinarian's office has (I think) three vets that work there - I met with one vet, and although she was nice and kind it just wasn't as good of a fit as I would have liked. As the dogs next annual visit was coming up I knew they had to be taken in, but I wasn't sure where. And then our sweet boy got sick and I took him back to the original vet on an emergency basis. That was where we met the best vet I have ever been around - Dr. B. Doctor B was so sweet and loving with Sammy while she tried to figure out why he was so sick and why he would not stop bleeding from his nose. She ran only the most pertinent and necessary tests because she knew that we weren't gazillionares, but was also good about running tests that she knew that the ER vet she was going to send us to would charge us more for if they were done in their facility. Based on the information she could glean from the tests she had run she believed (correctly) that Sammy had cancer. After sending us to the ER vet where we all know the outcome of that story, Dr. B followed up while he was in the hospital with a quick note letting us know that she was in touch with the ER facility where he was and knew what his outcome looked liked and just wanted to let us know she was thinking of us. She followed up again the day after we put Sammy down. She followed up a third time weeks after he passed just to let us know that she was still thinking of us. She also sent us a heartfelt card that she and her staff all signed and personalized. Putting Sammy down was such a hard time of our family's life. It crushed my kids. It crushed me. It crushed Bob. And here was this woman who had so many other patients and clients and people she could have been devoting her time to - following up with us over and over again to see how we were doing. She shared her own stories of heartbreak with me. She was so sweet and loving and kind. I raved about this woman to Bob and how she was such an amazing vet.  I couldn't believe we were so lucky to find her.

Fast forward 6 months later - a new addition has been added to our family. A special new addition that we all NEVER thought we would have - a kitten. I knew Moose needed to be fixed and given his shots, so it was a no brainer that I would be taking Moose to see Dr. B again to handle all of his health needs. Now, I hadn't talked to Dr. B in the months after Sammy's passing. She went on with her life and I went on with mine, but one of the first things she mentioned to me when she saw me was that she recognized my name on the patient list when she saw I was bringing Moose in because she remembered that I was Sammy's family. Maybe to most people that wouldn't mean very much, but to me, it meant a lot. Again, here is this woman who sees how many patients day in and day out, week after week, month after month, and she still remembered our family? She still remember our beloved Sammy?  How cool. I knew that for as long as we lived in Portland, Dr. B would always be my family's vet. She was somebody special. 

Now, stay with me here because I am going to jump topics for a second, but it will all make sense in just a moment. 

In my opinion, Bob has been really blessed with some great bosses. Almost all of his bosses have really looked out for him and tried to help guide him and allow him to grow in a way that will help him meet his career goals. Just great people. But for me, one of them stands out among the rest. This boss I trusted (and still very much do)  100%. I knew that he was (and is) always looking out for Bob's career. He was vested in Bob (and still is) and even after we left Las Cruces this gentleman still followed up with Bob to see how he was doing, to offer advice when it was needed, and to mentor Bob to help him meet his career aspirations.  Bob's Las Cruces boss has literally hundreds of people below him that he is responsible for. He has so many day to day responsibilities,  and yet he would still follow up with Bob on his own accord. He was STILL vested in Bob even though Bob was no longer a direct report of his.  This boss's character was (and is) outstanding. He was (and is) a great example of what a leader should look like. He was/is open, honest, funny, moral, kind, etc...This man is truly one of a kind. 

On top of this - this Las Cruces boss had a wife that I just fell in love with when I first met her. She is beautiful to begin with - stunning blue eyes - but more importantly she is just so warm and welcoming. I felt some sort of connection with her from the moment I met her. And although I didn't follow up on that connection when I lived in Las Cruces I did reach out to her a couple of months ago when I began to be at my whit's end with some things here and she was able to guide me through some pretty rough waters. She is every bit as amazing as her husband is. 

Now bear with me...

I've written about how I've felt like I have been drowning while living here. I think another analogy could be that I have felt like I have been wandering through the desert alone, parched with no water and no one in sight. I have felt more alone here than I have ever felt in my whole life. And it has been awful. Most importantly, I have felt deserted by God. I have never felt more close to Him than I did when I lived in Las Cruces. I felt his presence there. And it was powerful and real and beautiful. Then we moved here and I could feel Him no more. I would cry out to Him and pray to Him and beg Him. And nothing. Silence. I would seek him out in all of the usual places and the most I would get is a glimpse of a shadow of where He just was, but no longer is. And I began to question God's goodness. My faith faltered, my anxiety skyrocketed, and my need to control every aspect of my life rose exponentially because I felt that if God wasn't there then I needed to handle it all. 

And then He shined his Light on me, and we got the Indy job. And it made me question God as to why he would leave me in this desert for so long. Alone. Without Him. What was the lesson? Was I being punished? WHAT WAS IT?! 

And then yesterday, a miracle happened. Some might call it a coincidence, but me? I know it was God. It was God teaching me a lesson to never, ever, ever doubt him. That He is always with me. Even when I cannot feel Him - especially when I cannot feel him. I have spent these two years feeling alone, scared, frustrated, stressed out, with anxiety out of this world. I was feeling like such a fool that we left Las Cruces. That is was such a big mistake. I missed New Mexico with an ache I never thought would go away. All that I loved about New Mexico - the landscape and the people were gone. So far away from me. Alone. But...you know what? God brought a connection of sorts from New Mexico. He knew how much I missed it and loved it. And he knew as we were leaving that amazing state that I would feel the way I did (before even I knew I would feel that way.) And so he guided our decisions here. I am absolutely sure of that now.  I was never really alone. But I didn't have faith enough to believe it. And so, God had to show me - me of little faith....

All of this time that I thought I was alone - all of this time that I thought I had no connection to where my heart and soul is - Las Cruces - I did. You see, yesterday, I found out that that vet of ours? That sweet, thoughtful, kind soul? She is the daughter of Bob's Las Cruces boss. So, all of this time when I felt alone - God had an angel looking out for me. And I didn't even know it. For the last two years I have been visiting the office where Bob's Las Cruces boss's daughter works. And for the last year - I have been visiting with Dr. B - his daughter. In all this world, in all the cities we could have chosen to live in, in all of the vet offices we could have chosen to go, in all of the apartments/townhomes/houses we could have chosen to rent - we chose this town, this townhouse, this vet's office to go to. Coincidence? I don't think so...I think it was God's way of making sure that there was someone watching over me. That my connection to the place I love was still here. Even if it was hidden from me.  He was making sure that in a place I felt all alone that I really wasn't. He was showing me that although I doubt his faith over and over again, day in and day out, that I needn't do so. That He is always with me. Even when I cannot hear him. Even when I doubt him. Sometimes, he is shows Himself to me on the top of a mountain. Other times, he shows himself in canyon. But sometimes? Sometimes, he shows himself as the sweet face of a veterinarian. 

I have not been alone. Oh, quite the contrary. May I always remember this powerful lesson. May I always remember that even on my darkest days I am never alone. 

Because God is good. May I never doubt that again.

P.S. Do you want to know something even sweeter? It was Bob's boss and his wife who introduced us to Sammy as they both are involved in an El Paso Golden Retriever rescue group. Because of them we adopted Sammy and made him ours. You could say that they brought him into our family.  And unbeknownst to us at the time - it was their daughter who helped us end Sammy's suffering and send him to heaven. A full circle complete. 

The Places We Will Be

We are in the midst of house hunting right now. We have decided to rent again instead of buying. After our experience here in Portland I need an easy exit if the town we choose isn't the right fit. Buying won't allow us that flexibility if we choose wrong.

It's a bit surreal - our lives - at times like this. Right now I am avidly looking online on a daily basis trying to gather as much information as I can about the various towns and villages surrounding Indianapolis as well as Indy itself. Bob is doing double the work I am when he comes home from work and early in the mornings before he leaves for work.

We chose wrong here. This particular neighborhood and part of the city weren't right for us. And I know that we are both very afraid of choosing wrong again because we know how devastating it can be to do so. And we are trying not to make the same mistakes twice.

We have about three weeks left before we move. Actually, 19 days, if the relocation company can get the movers to our house on the date we have chosen to move. It will take Bob and I about 5 days to drive the 2300 miles from here to Indianapolis. I am looking forward to that journey - just he and I - for so many reasons.

It is weird to look online at all of the information one can gather on each potential place we might call home. It is surreal to look at grocery store information, parks, schools, etc... and know that those may be the places that our family actually uses and becomes a part of our every day lives. These unfamiliar landscapes that will become part of the fabric of our lives. It is cool to look at neighborhoods and to think that there are some children/teenagers who live in these homes that will become my children's friends.

Between Sarah wrapping up her horse therapy, Andy wrapping up his job, Josh & Elizabeth wrapping up their soccer seasons, there is no time for Bob and I to actually take a trip out to Indy ourselves before we move. We are trusting the internet to glean as much information as we can and provide us with a landing spot. This may seem crazy to most people, but this is our 3rd move in almost 4 years. We have a general idea of what we are looking for and what we aren't looking for. It is easy to spot some of those things using general websites like googlemaps, wikipedia, city data, trulia, zillow, etc...

I love imagining our life in Indy. I love thinking about the places we will be. I love imagining holidays with loved ones. I love the idea of Midwestern hospitality becoming an every day part of my life again. I love having hope again.

Right now is such a cool time in our lives. And I plan to savor each moment. Each unknown part of our journey - the house we settle in, the town we choose, the people who will become our tribe, will soon become known to us.

All of the places we will be have yet to unfold, but I am so looking forward to that journey.

New Beginnings

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I had dream - a nightmare actually - that we weren't really moving. It took me several days to be able to begin to absorb this blessing. And in fact, I don't know that I have actually absorbed this news fully.

I cannot tell you why I hated living Portland. Hated it with all of my being. I mean, I could tell you that I didn't like the traffic, the cost of living, the wealth in the area that we lived in, the weather, and the general overall lack of warmth of the people here - not very inclusive and not very welcoming to outsiders. But one could also argue that the  things that we could change - like the area we lived in and looking for inclusive & welcoming people could have changed the way we felt about living here. 

And maybe that is true. Maybe if we had moved to a more rural part of the area or if we tried to seek out one group of people after another to become part of our tribe we would have felt differently. But I don't think so. 

As you all know, I am a feelings person. And I can specifically remember, Bob and I sitting on the balcony of our townhouse the first week we moved to Portland and having this feeling sink into the bottom of my gut that we made a wrong move. I knew within the first few days that this place was not for us, and that I was in deep trouble. 

Being the stubborn person I am though, I tried for a really long time to prove myself wrong. After our family tried to get settled I assumed that my tribe would formulate. In Ohio and New Mexico my tribe was my soccer family and my homeschooling peeps. I assumed that this would be the case here too. Boy, was I wrong. Neither of these groups of people panned out for us. I got a job at a retailer to get out of the house a day or two week and also to try and meet new people who might have families that I could make connections with. And although I did meet some really great people, few of them had kiddos and those that did had just one or two who were babies/toddlers. 

On top of all of this was the fact that I know that just about everybody loves Portland. With the exception of one young lady I met on a plane ride back to Cleveland who had moved to Portland to work for Nike, and said that she didn't like living here, it seems like everyone everywhere believes that Portland is the mecca for happy living. Which made me wonder (and compounded the problem even more deeply) what the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't even like living here let alone love it? I would really berate myself over this because I felt ungrateful - there is so much beauty here and so many things to do and so many opportunities - why couldn't I just allow those things to take over my psyche and allow me to like being here?! After all everyone loves it here both those that actually live here and those that wish they lived here.)

But I couldn't. 

And the more I would try and the more I would beat myself up for not being like everyone else and loving it here, the deeper I would sink. It has been awful. I feel like I have been drowning for almost two years. Despite friends and family all over this amazing country that I could have reached out to at any moment for help - I have never felt more alone. 

These past two years have been harder on me than even the couple of years that Sarah was really sick. I know that the tone of this space has taken on tone of a woman desperately trying to hold on, but I don't think I ever was really able to express just how thin the string I was holding on to got. I know that I took this space to some pretty dark places. Thank you for staying with me. 

I feel fragile right now. I feel weak. Living here has taken a toll on every part of me. But I also feel more hopeful than ever. I feel a light shining on me and within me that I wasn't sure that I would ever feel again. 

Just like Las Cruces was the perfect place for our family in that chapter of our lives, I just know that Indianapolis is just what we need at this time. I know it with a sureness I cannot explain. When Bob came home from work to let me know the Indy opportunity was out there there were two other opportunities as well on the table. Both of those opportunities would have kept us out west where I thought I never wanted to leave. But as soon as Bob mentioned the Indy job I knew that this was meant for us. It was where we were supposed to be. And so we left those other opportunities on the table. We pulled out of one of them and left the other one sitting untouched. Bob knows that my intuition kicks in that he should follow it. It has never led us wrong before. Never. 

I know that Indy will not be perfect. There will be hardships and annoyances. I will get aggravated with certain things for sure. But Las Cruces wasn't perfect either. I could rattle off 5 things right now that drove me absolutely crazy about that city. No, Las Cruces wasn't perfect, and neither will Indy be, but it will be perfectly right for our family. 

It is the new beginning we so desperately need. I, for one, cannot wait to share this journey with you. I am so excited. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. I want to savor each moment of this process. I feel myself coming alive again after hibernating for so long. I just want to shout at the top of the mountain that I am back. I am back!!!!!!!!

So, here's to new beginnings. 

The Post I Have Been Waiting Almost Two Years To Write

Last Friday , Bob and I received the best damn news that I have heard in the last two years.  I wanted to tell you all right away, but promised Bob that I would allow the proper work notification be sent out to all parties affected just in case someone got wind of something on Facebook and shared it before it became "work official". We are being transferred and are moving!!!!

I still I cannot believe that we are moving. After I first heard the news I was in shock. I woke up the next morning after having a dream the night before that our moving had been a practical joke. I was afraid to be happy because I was so afraid that something would fall through.

But a start date in Bob's new office has been set. His last day of work in his current office has been set. Emails have gone out. Acceptance letters received. And the relocation company has been notified of our pending move (almost) across the country. We will be hearing from them in within the next 48 hours.

So, where are we moving to?

I'll give you a hint. The city looks like this:




Here are some other clues:

1.) It is in the Midwest.
2.) It has a football team that starred my most favorite football player of all time: #18 Peyton Manning.
3.) It hosts a pretty famous Nascar race every year.

Still don't know? Okay, I'll tell you.

The Gregg family is moving to Indianapolis, Indiana.

Yep.

And you know what? I couldn't be more excited.

I never thought I'd want to live in the Midwest again. I thought I'd been there and done that. And then God moved us to Portland, Oregon and showed us how awful it is to live in some parts of this country. The Midwest has never looked so darn good. Friendly people? Check. Within driving distance to family and friends? Check. Sunnier weather than Portland? Check. Affordable cost of living? Check. Not Portland? Check. Check. Check.

My kids and I screamed out loud with joy when Bob came home from work and told us that the job was his. I cried. And I have been crying on and off for the last week when I think about moving because I was drowning. For two years I have been drowning. And I didn't think our family was going to make it out of here intact. But Bob has made some amazing connections with his employer (and one of those connections comes with an amazing wife whom I have been able to reach out to in the last few months) and when he finally understood what was at stake personally with our staying in Portland he reached out to those connections who helped him make a move for the sake of our family.  Bob is super excited about his new job. He will be under amazing leadership. And will be working with a great team of people. But he also likes his current job and loves his employees and co-workers. He made this move because of me and the kids. And although this is not the path either of us thought we would be on. It is exactly the path that we need to be on. I can feel it in my gut.

When Bob came home and mentioned that this position was open in Indy I knew right away that he had to post for it. I felt it. It was like a bolt of electricity surged through me and I knew, just knew, that this job was meant for us. I felt it with the certainty that I felt when he applied for the job in Las Cruces. You all know how I felt (and still very much feel) about our family's experience in Las Cruces. That same certainty that I felt four years ago came back to me again. And so, even though I never in a million years thought I would be back in the Midwest I know that this move is going to be good. No, not good - GREAT.

You know what the even cooler part about this whole thing is? When Bob applied for Las Cruces four years ago he also applied for a job in Indianapolis simultaneously. During his final interview with the Las Cruces job his (going to be) boss asked him which job he wanted more - the Indy one or the Las Cruces one. His answer was a no brainer at the time and we moved to the place we knew we were meant to be. We are now coming full circle and moving to the city we could have started our adventures in, but knew that it wasn't the right city for us at that time. Now is the right time. And I couldn't be more thrilled.

They Are My Passion

Unless we die first we all get old. And for some of us getting old will not happen gracefully. It will be cruel and hard. We will lose our memories. We will lose our physical abilities. We will lose varying degrees of our independence. 

Some of us will be cared for by loved ones in our homes. More of us will end up in facilities to care for us; retirement communities for those of us with most of our independence, assisted living for those of us with partial independence, and nursing homes/memory care units for those of us who have lost almost all of our ability to remember or care for ourselves. 

And while some of us will be fortunate enough to remain independent our whole lives and living in our own homes without the aid of others, the majority of us will end up in one of the situations above. 

Aging is not like the movies. For so many of us it will not look anything like we imagined it to. A lot of us will end up wearing depends because our bladders can no longer be controlled. Some of us will end up with walkers or wheel chairs to get around. Some of us will lose mobility on one side of our bodies and will require assistance using the rest room or bathing. Others of us will need this assistance because we no longer can remember that bathing and toileting are important functions of daily living. 

In most of our cases, if we end up in places such as this, it will not be loved ones caring for us. It will be strangers. It will be people who are paid very little for helping us to maintain basic dignity like eating, wearing clean clothes, keeping our rooms clean, washing our clothes, etc...every day functions that you and I do daily, and take for granted, we will be dependent upon someone else. 

And while there will be an uncaring person or two who takes no time to treat us with dignity and love and respect that we deserve there will also be a person like me. Someone who is passionate about the work I do. Someone who will respect you, and love you, and ask you about your life. Someone who will listen to your stories over and over again, and  will not make you feel embarrassed that this is the same story you told me 10 minutes ago, yesterday, and last week. Someone who will wash your body with care. Who will wipe your bottom gently.  Who will make sure that your clothes are on properly and that you look presentable to those you will come in contact with. And while you may develop a reputation for being a difficult resident you will not be so with people like me because you will know that I love being with you, and you will look forward to my help and my visits. 

For a long time I had no idea what I was passionate about. I had no direction outside of being a mother, but I also knew that I needed something else outside of that sacred title to help me to feel fulfilled. I also knew that I am not the type of person who could easily do all that I do at home while maintaining any sort of employment outside of the home. And so the years passed and my kids have gotten bigger. And I realized my calling in that time, but knew that I would only pursue it when the time was right. 

About two months ago that time became right. I applied for a position as a caregiver in a local assisted living community. I knew that I only wanted to work part time, but they only had full positions available. Because my interview went so well a part time position was created for me. Three mornings a week from 6:30 - 10:30  I am caring for the geriatric population. I am helping them to use the restroom. I am showering them. I am lotioning them. And helping with makeup. I am taking care of soiled sheets and clothing.  I am making beds, and taking them to their meals. I getting them dressed and undressing them. And I do all of this with love. Outside of being a mother - THIS is what I was put on earth to do. I am passionate about my work. I love working with my residents. One day I would love to run an assisted living community - not just care for a few of the residents. I want to care for them all. 

None of these residents are happy that they have lost so much of their independence. They all want to be doing these things for themselves, but they realize that this is no longer a possibility, and so they resign themselves to the fact that this is their life now. 

And I come in and I help them to maintain their dignity. I don't treat them as babies. These are wise people who deserve my respect and my love. They deserve my compassion. And so while I am with them, addressing their needs, I ask them about their lives. I hear their stories and I get to know them better. And I fall in love with them all the more. All of them - the cranky ones, the kind ones, the shy ones, the forgetful ones.

And they can feel my love in my words and my questions. They can feel my love in my gentleness with them. They can feel my love in the way I care for them. I treat them the way that I would want my grandparents to be treated. 

I feel as a society, we throw away our old people when they become a burden or are no longer useful. This is crazy to me because we will all someday be old. Do we not realize that by doing this we are also throwing away our future selves? The residents that I care for give me so much in return. So much! One of my residents doesn't talk, but the way she smiles at me and pats my hand after I have taken care of her means more to me than a thousand words. The resident who tells me the same stories over and over shift after shift smiles at me and tells me I am as good to her as her daughter is. This is the highest compliment in her society that she can bestow upon someone. I could tell you story after story.  I get so much from these residents. In fact, I feel that they give me more than I give them. 

This is my passion. These residents. This age group. Loving them and caring for them is what I was put on earth to do. I know it is not for everyone. In fact, it is not for a lot of people. Not many could do what I do. That makes me feel all the more honored that I can. I have found my gift. I have found my calling. I have found my purpose in life. 

 

A Note To Sarah's Donors From Skyview

My name is Hannah Swayze and I am honored to have recently joined the ranks of people who know Sarah. She entered the busy activity of Sky View just under a year ago and my life has never been the same. She is an incredible woman and I am honored to get to work with her. Over the year she has gotten to a point that she is so skilled with horses that I forget she's blind. She has shown courage, bravery, tenacity and moxie in all that she has done and is more capable than many of the sighted children that come to our Ranch. I am honored to be the one who gets to put her on a horse and help her hone her skill. Her joy despite the challenges of living has been humbling and amazing to work with. I treasure the time with her.

I want to thank you for investing in her and also in our Ranch. The gift you gave through Sarah was so incredibly special to us at Sky View. I'm thrilled to see the people who stand behind Sarah and get to read the notes of her support group, thank you for your role in her life. Also thank you for investing in what we are doing with kids at Sky View. I pray that you are blessed as you have blessed us! I wish I could sit down and write you a each a personal note, but I just had surgery on my right hand and writing the left-handed would be challenging. Thank you again and again and again for your support and thank you for sharing your amazing Sarah with me I am blessed beyond words to know her.

Hannah Swayze 

Director of Ministry

Sky View Horse Ranch

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"The words she had spoken were not her own, oh, they had come from her own mouth and even her own mind, but her spirit had handed them off to her mind." Thunder of Heaven