Giving It Up (Again)

 I took the steps of deactivating my Facebook and Instagram accounts...again. I seem to have a love/hate relationship with social media. I think I participate in both because most people do and I feel left out sometimes when I am not using them. Plus, they keep me entertained when I am bored.

But the truth is that both Facebook and Instagram don't always have a positive influence on my life. In fact, I would argue that more often than not they have a pretty negative influence. Why do I willingly subject myself to something that regularly makes me feel frustrated, angry, and hopeless (courtesy of family/friends political posts on Facebook) or leave me feeling as if my own life is less than (courtesy of the beautiful, skinny, rich, moms of many I follow on Instagram)? 

I am an intelligent person. (At least I would like to think that I am.) Why, when I have the choice to not participate in something that makes me feel worse about my life rather than better, would I continue to subject myself to something like that?! If I am being completely honest, I do get an ego boost from 'likes' on my posts and I do notice that my readership goes up when I post the links to my blog on Facebook, but do either of those things really ad true value in my life? Do I really need you to 'like' an Instagram picture of mine or read these words after I have posted them to Facebook? The real answer is: no. Those that want to follow my life's journey will do so regardless of whether or not I post the link on Facebook. And I can put all of the pictures on this space that I would have put on Instagram as well. 

Moreover, what kind of example am I setting for my teenage children? If I want them to have healthy online habits, I need to be modeling them. When I am on Facebook and Instagram I find that (over time) I end up not doing so. Just yesterday, I was on my phone (on Instagram) when my daughter asked me a question THAT I GAVE AN ANSWER TO that I had no idea happened because I was so absorbed in my phone when she was talking to me that I wasn't even conscious of the conversation!!! When I got off of my phone and asked her why she was doing what she was doing she filled me in on our dialogue. I don't even remember it happening!!! How many times has that happened? How freaking crazy and scary. The insanity needs to stop. Now.

 The decision has been rattling around in my brain for a week or so, but now that I have actually done the deed I feel much lighter. (I always do.) And I know that the feeling of release will only feel sweeter the longer I am away from the influence I allow those social media sites to have over me. (It always does.)

A Very Unexpected, Wonderful Surprise

 I knew at least a year before she began high school that Sarah wanted to attend public school and receive a public school diploma. She strongly felt that homeschooling was no longer serving her needs and she wanted to head out into the "normal" world. I felt in my heart like I had failed her. I also felt like I would never have the privilege of teaching her from home again.

 I don't necessarily blame her for having these thoughts. As I have said in the past, things got pretty hairy in Portland and life was not good for us on so many levels. As I was treading water while trying to keep myself from drowning out there I was bringing my kids down with me.I couldn't see this at the time, I was too busy trying to save myself that I couldn't see much above the waterline, let alone look towards those I love the most to see how they were doing.  It was an awful time in our lives that I can look back now and reflect on without feeling an inkling of anxiety (which is something that has taken two and a half years to do). 

Sarah did really well educationally at public school her first 9 months. The teachers and staff fell in love with her and her resilient spirit. She earned straight 'A's in all of her classes the whole year and ended her Freshman year with a 4.1 gpa. Being around other kids her age and the routine of school was good for her. And even though it wore her out every day she was so glad with her decision to go back.

To be honest, I enjoyed the break too. I felt that I was failing her in a million different ways while she was home with me. I felt like I  wasn't helping her to be the successful person she (and the rest of the six of us) envisioned for her future self. It was nice for someone else to be responsible for her education and the "extras" that are needed to teach someone who is abled differently and blind. I was nervous about how the kids would react to her, but I knew that the school district as a whole was an amazing place for her to go and so my worries for her were at a minimum. 

And then COVID came...

Much like everyone else, Sarah came home in March and participated in e-learning to finish out the year.  As the new school year approached I consulted Sarah's neurologist at the Cleveland Clinic to get her thoughts on Sarah returning to school in person. After getting her opinion and talking with the school district it was determined that Sarah would begin this year as a homebound student. She would receive the work that the students were getting in class and be expected to get her assignments done in a timely manner. All of her teachers were incredibly flexible and helpful, but it was still a lot for Sarah and I to navigate especially since Sarah is trying to earn an Honors Diploma which means she has Honors and AP classes on her schedule.

After six weeks of stress Sarah determined that she would rather come home as a traditionally homeschooled student than to participate in public school as a homebound student. I withdrew her from public school last Thursday. Sarah's plan is to go back and finish out her junior and senior year at the high school. 

I was completely shocked by Sarah's decision. Personally, I prefer homeschooling over public school. While there are things that my kids can get at public school that they cannot get when they are learning from home I think that the overall advantages of homeschooling outweigh the disadvantages. I am HUGE advocate of homeschooling. 

That being said, I also believe that my children should have a say in their own future's especially when it is something as big of a decision as whether or not to homeschool in high school. I definitely put my two cents in and try and explain why I feel the way I do, but the final decision ultimately rests with my kids. The decision for Sarah to come home was entirely hers. 

I am E-C-S-T-A-T-I-C she came home. What lacked those couple of years when times were rough (and even prior to that) is confidence. I have that now. (It also makes it easier knowing that I successfully homeschooled two kids into college.) It's funny how much knowing you can do something and having the confidence to do it affects how successful you actually are at that thing.

What I am looking at now is what does Sarah (and Elizabeth) need long term to be a successful, independent adult? What skills does she need? What do I need to do to provide those skills for her? 

As I mentioned above, right now the plan is to homschool Sarah this year, and then have her return to the public school realm after this year is over. This is the plan that she has chosen, but who knows that what will happen between now and then? Sarah may decide that she loves homeschooling so much she wants to finish out her schooling days at home. She may decide that going back is best for her. The final decision lies with her. All I know that I am so happy I get to have her home with me for the next 10 months. I plan on enjoying the hell out of this unexpected gift. It was an opportunity that I never thought I'd have again. Now that it is here I don't plan on taking it for granted. My heart is so happy and so full. 

A Medical Scare

 For a long time, Andy has been complaining of feeling "foggy".  A really long time. As in years. (Yes, TOTAL Mom fail.) I have always taken Andy's concern and brushed it off to him being spacey. He has always had a wandering mind and has had trouble remembering things. I think the phrase, "Get your head out of the clouds", was created for people like Andy. I don't consider this to necessarily be a bad trait. Andy has one of the best imaginations I know (Elizabeth is a close second).  He is creative and brilliant in his own way. I sometimes wish I could escape to the worlds he can (and always has been able to) with the ease he seems to. I admire that about him. 

But as time has gone on his fogginess has increased. It began to scare him, I think. He tried diet and exercise with limited success. He tried different things to get a better night's sleep, also to no avail. He was hoping that his memory issues and foggy feeling were lifestyle related. I wanted to believe that too. Very badly. 

The medical issues all came front and center when Andy had a seizure on August 29th. We were on date, it was the first time in a while that just he and I had a chance to get out. We were at the Olive Garden (which was the first time I had been to a restaurant before COVID) and I noticed as our conversation progressed through lunch that something was not right with Andy. He seemed to space out more and more. He was having trouble keeping up with our conversation and had trouble forming words to answer questions that I had. And then all of a sudden, just like with Sarah, the essence of Andy was no longer there. I was looking at his body, but he was not there. I was trying not to attract too much attention to ourselves. The tables were spaced very far apart, so I feel like, at first anyway, I was able to keep what what happening a secret. Once Andy's left arm began to shake though and repeated attempts to bring him back to me by calmly calling his name, I knew we were in trouble. Our waitress called 911 for us and paramedics brought Andy to the ER. 

He had come to by the time the paramedics arrived, but still could not form sentences or answer any of their questions other than his first name. I was not able to go back and see Andy right away in the hospital. After what seemed like an eternity, I was finally released from the sectioned off waiting room to go back to him. A CAT scan and blood work were drawn. His blood sugar levels were tested and came back good. He was drug tested (negative). He had an x-ray just to make sure that his lungs were okay. (He punctured the same lung twice in the last 18 months). Finally, we were sent home with no diagnosis other than being told that sometimes seizures just happen (I am not buying that) and that he should go see a neurologist to have an MRI and EEG given our family history to make sure that it is not something more serious. 

We believe that there is a connection with the fogginess he feels and his memory issues and the seizure he had. We aren't sure what that connection is, but we feel that there is definitely something going on other than a random seizure. (Oh, and he has been complaining for a while that his sense of smell is lost. Before you  think COVID - he been mentioning this for years as well.) 

We went to see his regular doctor to have a ton of blood work drawn and are waiting to see the neurologist on the 30th of September. He was tested for Celiac Disease, food allergies, diabetes, kidney function, liver function. He had his iron, B12, B6 levels checked as well. All came back clean/good. To be honest, we were disappointed in this because we were hoping that whatever is going on with him would be discovered in his blood work so that we can work on fixing it. For now, we have to wait and see what the neurologist says. 

In the meantime, we are following normal seizure protocol. No driving for Andy, no baths, and if he feels "off" to have him take a break until he feels right again. He has also been keeping a log of his sleep habits, diet habits, and exercise. He notes when he feels an increase in his fogginess in hopes that this journal will reveal something to the neurologist. 

For now, we are just waiting for answers. 

14

 

Elizabeth turned 14 on August 17th. All she wanted to do was have a "chill day hangin' with the fam". And so that is just what we did. Bob and I rented a pontoon boat as part of her birthday gift and we spent the afternoon having a great time out on Lake Monroe. 

 My in-laws and parents came out to celebrate Elizabeth so that was nice for her. The extra love and attention just on her is what she needs right now. 

My favorite thing in this whole wide world is to be with my kids and Bob. As my kids grow and life gets busier for them I appreciate our time together even more. They are my favorite people to create memories with. I love us. I hope we always love hanging out like we do now. It is truly the greatest gift. 

She is such a little daredevil. I am a big scaredy-cat and would never even attempt half of the things she does. That quality is something I admire in Elizabeth. 

I don't think that flip turned out quite like Andy wanted it to...

Elizabeth and her Nana. Elizabeth and my mom are pretty tight. I am so glad that she has my mom. 

Sarah taking the helm with my father-in-law. 

She is psyching herself up to perform a back flip off the deck area of the boat. 

This sweet girl decided to wear a life vest because she was afraid that if she had a seizure in the water she would drown. 

My loves.  

My handsome and sweet boys. 

This was right before Sarah decided to wear her life vest. She didn't feel safe without it. 

Always the showman.

He jumped right into the water right beside Elizabeth which did not make her too happy. 

Her brothers were daring her to do something, and Elizabeth is not one to back down from a challenge her brothers give. 

My girls

Holliday Park

In an effort to keep exploring, Bob found a park in downtown Indianapolis for us to explore. I always think its neat when there are natural places hidden among a city landscape. There were several places in Portland like this and I always took pleasure in knowing that nature had not been completely tamed - especially in places where it seemed it had been. 

Holliday Park was cool to visit. I am not sure I would go there again, but I am glad that we went once. Any time spent in the woods is a good time to me. 

I didn't look too far into these ruins, but I don't think they are authentic. I believe (though I could be completely wrong) that they are an artists rendering of what ruins would look/feel like. 

I always love when places we visit have things for Sarah to feel and see with her hands.

I thought the graffiti was cool. I liked how colorful it was. I liked that it made the concrete seem less stark and cold among the greenery. 

Can you tell how happy Elizabeth is that we dragged her to this destination? Especially after we got lost and had to backtrack our way back to the car? 

I have always loved trees, but ever since I visited Redwood National Forest a few years back I am always looking for bigger than normal trees (for the area I am in). There is something so majestic about these larger than life trees. This one definitely fit the bill. 

Just an FYI - we all had masks that we brought with us. The spaces that we were in were empty with the exception of the large lawn at the beginning of the photo in which it was sparsely populated. I am a crazy lady when it comes to masking in public, but in this case it was not warranted (even though we were prepared to in the event we needed to).