Thoughts

 There is a youngish tree that grows in our front yard, I don't know if it is a Maple or an Oak tree, I guess I could find out if I really wanted to, but I don't really care to put in the energy to do so. Over the past two and a half years of living in this house I have watched this tree grow; I have watched the cycle of growing and shedding leaves (this time being the beginning of the third cycle) and seen it getting taller with each passing year. I have seen bird nests come and go. 

I have loved watching this tree as time as passed. While the world seems to be standing still this tree is a reminder that indeed it really is not. Mother Nature is still pressing on in spite of deadly viruses that are causing discord and unrest across the world and US elections that are causing fissures between friends and family alike. 

I am in awe of the chaos our country is in. I have read enough history books to know that this is not the first time that most things seem turned upside down, but this is the first time I feel that I have really felt the affects of this chaos. 

As the numbers of COVID cases rise our family has decided to go into strict lock-down again. Friends and family are off limits. Store visits are down to the essential things only. This lock down feels especially hard because we were all really looking forward to getting together with family this holiday season. We do not have the luxury of assuming that all would be fine if we contracted COVID though, not with Sarah among us, and I am sometimes jealous of those who feel that the risk of living a semi-normal life is one worth living in spite of the risks of catching a virus we do not yet fully understand. When Bob and I shared the news with our kids that we were self-quarantining again they were all understanding of why. My kids have been through the trenches with Sarah medically (and all ways, really) and they know that the monster that lives inside her is not one to joke around with or not take seriously.  It has been shown that COVID kills those with weakened immune systems; they know that this blanket statement includes their sister, and as much as their lives are inconvenienced by this family mandate, they would rather protect their sister as much as they can rather than potentially risk her life. I am grateful for their understanding, and I know that they would do anything to keep her (and each other) safe. 

I know that one of the side affects of this long term seclusion is mental fatigue, and we certainly have not been immune from this. Sometimes I feel like a firefighter bouncing back and forth between each child trying to help him/her extinguish the internal mental fires that burn within from long term isolation. I am desperately trying to balance that with my own inner strife and anxieties; Some days I feel like I have won the battle with the infernos, other days not-so-much. What keeps me anchored is that I know that this will not last forever and that there are always lessons to be learned in any situation one faces. I also hold on to the fact that tomorrow is a new day full of new promises and new opportunities. 

When we look back on this time I want my children to see that they can do hard things. I want them to be able to reflect on this time and use it to propel them forward in future times when their lives get hard. There is always a Light at the end of the tunnel. There is always Hope where you believe it exists, even if you cannot yet see it.